He waited for her to say something. He was panting like a thirsty dog. Rabid animals got thirsty, she remembered hearing somewhere. He was looking at her out of pained, angry eyes, and suddenly she felt sorry for him.
When she didn’t respond he balled the receipt tightly and threw it at her like it was a rock. It hit her below the eye, and she was surprised at how much it hurt. She flinched, her hand flying to her face. He’d thrown it with all his strength, and she knew at the moment Pete wanted to hurt her, and she felt a prickle of alarm.
He turned around and grabbed a pair of shoes from the floor. They were Rachel’s only decent pair of dress shoes, with four inch stiletto heels. The kind of shoes that accentuated the line of legs. Shoes made for wearing out, perhaps if you were meeting somebody in a restaurant.
‘Did you wear these, Rachel?’
He leaned towards her, his eyes bulging and flecks of spittle spraying from his mouth then he hurled them at a painting Rachel bought years ago. They hit with such force the heel of one of the shoes broke off.
‘Who’d you wear them for, Rachel?’ he demanded.
The question alarmed her. ‘Pete ...’
‘I SAID WHO DID YOU FUCKING WEAR THEM FOR!’
He yelled right into her face and it frightened her. She suddenly saw something that she ought to have seen before. He’d lost a little of his mind. He was literally slightly mad. She was glad the kids weren’t at home.
She got up. ‘I know you’re upset but you have to calm down. We have to talk ...’
‘You didn’t answer my question! A hundred and thirty five dollars on a dress.’ He spun away from her and paced the room. The tendons in his neck bulged and he clenched his fists at his side. Fury came off in him in waves. ‘You’re always talking about how we don’t have any money! Nagging at me if I buy a goddamned beer!’
‘It doesn’t matter about the dress,’ Rachel said, trying to calm him down. ‘I can take it back.’
He stopped pacing and stared at her. She had never seen him look at her that way. It was like he wanted to hit her. To smash her into oblivion. He took a step towards her and she backed away.
‘I want to know who you bought the dress for, Rachel.’
He seized her arm and dragged her across the room and then he bent down and picked up a pair of her panties and shoved them in her face.
‘Did you wear these for him?’
She opened her mouth, struggling to get away, but he shoved them down her throat until she gagged. She was terrified he was going to choke her, and she struggled harder and managed to tear herself away and pulled the panties out of her mouth. At the same time she registered what he said. Did you wear these for him? With a sinking feeling she realized that he knew. Somehow Pete knew she was with Michael that night.
‘Listen to me, Pete, it isn’t what you think. Nothing like that happened.’
He shook his head. ‘Put them on.’
‘What?’
‘I said PUT THEM ON!’
He backed her into a corner and ripped the panties from her hand and held them out in front of her. ‘I want to see them on you. I bet they make you feel good don’t they? Sexy.’
‘Pete…’
‘Put them on.’
He was scaring her. He stopped yelling at her, but there was something chilling and cold about his manner now, and she knew what he was going to do. ‘Don’t do this,’ Rachel said. ‘Don’t do it.’
‘Put them on or I’ll do it for you.’
He meant it. Rachel glanced towards the door, wondering if she made a run for it…
His hand shot out so fast she didn’t have time to move and the sound of him hitting her face was shockingly loud. Light exploded in her head and the force of the blow snapped her head around. Tears sprang to her eyes and she tasted blood in her mouth.
‘Last chance,’ he said.
Slowly she undressed. She fumbled with the strap on her bra. He watched every move. There was nothing sexual in his gaze, only anger. She felt humiliated, and caught sight of herself in the mirror, her hair disheveled and blood on her lip. Finally she put the panties on and stood before him with her arms across her breasts.
He came towards her, and Rachel knew she wasn’t strong enough to stop him. Something died inside her, and when he pushed her back on the bed she turned her head away so she wouldn’t have to look at him. She endured him raping her and tried to separate her mind from her body.
‘Is this how it felt, Rachel? Is this what it was like? Did you want him? Did you tell him how good it was?’
His words washed over her like an obscene tide. She didn’t respond. She didn’t move or utter a sound, only lay there like a corpse, and as he moved she shut out his smell and the feel of him, and told herself that in the morning she would leave him, and afterwards she would never feel anything but contempt for him.
Eventually it was over. He lay still on the bed beside her, his anger spent. When he got up she didn’t look at him, though she could sense him watching her and trying to find some way to get past what he’d done. But there was no way.
She heard him leave the room and go downstairs, and then she heard the door and the sound of his truck, the engine fading.
Only then did she allow the tears to come.
CHAPTER 35
Coop had been gone for an hour. The hotel was emptying out and there were fewer people dancing. Susan caught Linda’s eye across the table.
‘I think I’m going to leave soon.’
‘Isn’t Coop coming back?’
‘Maybe he got caught up. If you see him can you tell him I’m feeling tired?’
Outside she paused by the door. She wrapped her coat around herself and took a deep breath of icy air and looked up at a clear sky. Coop had been distracted, she thought, like there was something on his mind. She wondered why he wanted her to go outside earlier.
She began to walk back toward her car and as she drew closer she could see there was some kind of commotion at Clancy’s Bar. A small knot of people were milling about outside and someone was clearing up broken glass. Whatever had happened appeared to be all over now. As she crossed the street a figure came from the other direction and for a moment their eyes met. It was Michael. She remembered the night outside his house and flushed with humiliation.
‘Hi,’ she said awkwardly.
He noted her dress and looked across at the hotel. ‘How was the dance?’
‘It was fine. I was with Coop, but he had to leave,’ she added, though she wasn’t sure why.
The people outside the bar were dispersing. Coop would probably be coming back to find her soon, but she didn’t want to go back to the hotel and she didn’t want Coop to offer to drive her home. She thought again about the way he’d been acting and how he wanted her to go outside with him earlier. Whatever he wanted to talk to her about she couldn’t face it right then. She was tired. ‘Look, I should go,’ she said.
‘Wait a second. There’s something I want to say… About the night you were outside my house.’
Blood rushed to Susan’s cheeks again. She didn’t want to be reminded of that night.
‘The person you saw… She was just a friend.’
‘Look, you don’t have to explain anything to me,’ Susan said. She just wanted to get in her car and drive.
‘I wanted you to know.’
‘Why?’ she asked. ‘What difference does it make? You’re leaving anyway.’ Even as she spoke, Susan knew it wasn’t what she wanted to say. It implied something unintended. ‘What I mean is… we don’t have to have this conversation. I had a few glasses of wine that night and Jamie wasn’t there, and I was feeling sorry for myself, okay? I felt like company, that was all. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that you might not be alone, but there you are. So now we’ve cleared that up I’d rather not talk about it anymore.’
‘She was somebody I met who used to come into my dad’s store when I was young,’ Michael said, as if he hadn’t heard anything Sus
an had said. ‘She’s going through a rough time. She needed someone to talk to and I think I did too.’
‘I told you, you don’t have to explain anything to me. Anyway, why are you telling me this?’
‘I wanted to explain.’
‘Why?’
He made a helpless, gesture. ‘I don’t know exactly. I thought you should know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.’
‘I’m not….’ She broke off, wondering why she was denying what must be obvious. ‘I have to go,’ Susan said again and she hurried to her car. From behind the wheel she watched Michael in the mirror as he went to his own car. She thought about what he said, that the woman he was with needed someone to talk to.
‘We all do,’ she murmured aloud, and wondered if that was true, why was it so difficult?
***
As Susan drove off, Coop looked on from the shadows across the street. He wanted to step out and call out to her but he didn’t. Michael Somers got in his car and drove after her, and Coop wondered what they were talking about and where Somers was going. Something about the way they looked a minute ago when they were by Susan’s car tore a hole in him.
Coop knew he’d been kidding himself all along. Susan had never really felt the same way about him. But it might have worked out. Sometimes people get to love others slowly, and maybe that’s what would have happened if he’d had a chance. Jamie would have come around in time and she would have too. He wondered if Susan was so worried for Jamie that she was confusing her emotions.
He stayed hidden in the shadows until they were gone, and then without thinking about it he turned around and smashed his fist into the door behind him. He felt his knuckles crack and the skin split, and a flare of agony burst in his brain.
When Coop got back to the office, Miller looked up from his desk where he was writing out a report on the brawl that had broken out at Clancy’s.
‘Thought you were going back to the hotel?’
‘I changed my mind.’ Coop went to his desk and sat down. ‘Listen, it’s all quiet now, why don’t you go home?’
‘I was going to get this report done.’ He saw Coop’s fist, shredded skin and blood beneath a hastily wrapped handkerchief. ‘Shit, did that happen back there?’
‘Yeah,’ Coop said. ‘Listen, the report can wait. Go on, I’ll finish up here.’
Miller got up hesitantly. ‘Well, okay then. If you’re sure it’s okay?’
‘Go on. Go home.’
Miller shrugged and grabbed his coat. ‘See you in the morning,’ he said, but Coop didn’t answer.
When he was alone Coop went to a drawer where he kept a bottle of bourbon. He sat down and took the velvet box from his pocket and opened it. He stared at the ring while he poured a drink, then he put it down on the desk and swallowed a half-glass in one go. He poured another. There were reflected points of light like miniature stars in the diamond, winking in the dim light.
Coop snapped the case shut and threw it into the back of a drawer.
CHAPTER 36
Michael followed Susan’s car out of town, and as he drove he pondered their brief conversation outside the hotel. He wasn’t sure what he’d intended when he tried to explain what happened that night. Even when it was obvious that he was embarrassing her he kept talking.
What difference does it make? You’re leaving anyway.
He kept hearing the way she said it. You’re leaving anyway.
Ahead of him the brake lights flashed on Susan’s car as she neared the entrance to her property. She made the turn and as Michael drove past he saw headlights through the trees.
He reached the track to his own house. When he went inside the house, he checked on Cully. She was asleep on her perch in the utility room off the kitchen where he kept her now. Her crop was bulging. He’d been feeding her all she wanted for the last few days to give her a head start for when he released her in the morning.
Back in the living room he put some wood on the fire and poured a drink. He was tired, but didn’t feel like sleeping. He thought about Susan in the house next door. When was the moment when he first felt something for her without even being aware of it? Was it that night when he saw her in the woods, or was that only when the door in his subconscious opened? He made a decision. He put down his drink and fetched his coat. Outside it was still. The clearing was suffused with luminous light. He started towards the trees, not knowing what he would say when he reached her house, not knowing how she would receive him. Something moved ahead of him. It was Susan. They stared at one another.
Neither of them spoke. All at once Michael understood how lonely he had been. As he approached Susan, she moved inside his arms and they held each other. He thought of all the things he wanted to tell her so that she would understand who he was. He wondered where he would begin, but as he started to speak she put her fingers to his lips to stop him. He looked into her eyes and realized he didn’t need to explain anything, because she already knew.
***
It was dark in his room. Some huge swell of emotion welled up from deep within, and Susan felt tears run down her cheeks. She traced her fingers across Michael’s back feeling the contours and ridges of muscle and bone. She raised her face and they kissed. Their lips brushed, hesitant at first, and then their mouths molded and she felt the slow burn of their need for one another.
‘Wait.’ She stood back and undressed in front of him. She saw herself reflected in a mirror, the planes and hollows of her body cut with deep shadows. When she was naked he moved towards her, but she laid a restraining hand against his chest. She took off his shirt and unbuckled his belt. When he was naked too, she placed her hands against the sides of his head. She felt the texture of his hair and put her finger to his lips and then slid her hands across his chest and sides, feeling his ribs and muscle. She felt she was mapping his being, committing him to her memory. She touched every part of him, her hands caressing, leaving, caressing again. He shivered at her touch.
They lay down on the bed and Susan took his hands and held them to her breasts. She guided him, encouraging him to explore her body. He traced the nape of her neck and then bent to kiss her there and she wondered how long it had been since he had held a woman. She closed her eyes as he lowered his mouth to kiss her breasts, his lips and tongue teasing her nipples, arousing her. He trembled and she knew he would be tempted to rush, and she slowed him by taking his hand and holding it to her breast.
She whispered that they had all night and she wanted him to go slowly. He kissed her mouth, and then her eyes and her neck. He traced the delicate bones that ran from her neck to her shoulders, where the skin stretched tightly forming deep hollows beside her throat. Susan reached between them as warmth spread up through her body. She held his erection and he drew in his breath. She wanted him inside her. She rolled across him and lowered her body onto him. He gripped her hips and she moved slowly to prolong the sensation, though it had been too long for both of them. Within seconds he stiffened, and she bore her weight down against his raised pubic bone. The strength of her climax took her by surprise and she arched her back and groaned.
They lay in the dark, their skin touching in places, breathing softly, their eyes closed, together but awash with memories. Michael kissed her again, and when Susan responded he began to caress her and this time when he was inside her she kept him there for a long time. They moved slowly, then quickly, and then they rested until they could begin again. Susan felt tears on her cheek and wasn’t sure from which of them they came, or whether from both.
Eventually they slept, their arms around each other.
CHAPTER 37
A sound woke Michael in the morning, and he lay still for a few moments getting used to everything, wondering what it was. Through the window the sky was pale ice-blue. The sun was still low. He was lying on his side, and he could feel Susan curled up against his back. When he rolled over she mumbled something sleepily and draped her arm across his chest.
He thought he mi
ght have dreamed the feelings she had evoked in him. He kissed her. The scent of her hair and her skin lay over him. Her hand trailed across his belly making him shiver.
Outside the window he heard it again, the sound that woke him. A sharp crack against the roof and then a skittering noise.
‘What’s that?’ Susan opened her eyes and propped herself on one elbow.
Michael got up to look out of the window. ‘It’s Jamie. We’re taking Cully up to the mountains to let her go this morning.’
Jamie was standing outside throwing stones on to the roof. Without thinking, Susan went to the window, and when Jamie saw her his expression registered surprise, and then confusion. He turned away, scuffing his feet in the snow.
‘Shit,’ Susan groaned. She began hurriedly pulling on her clothes. ‘I better talk to him.’
Michael dressed and while Susan went outside he started making coffee. He could see them out of the window. Susan was crouched down, talking to Jamie at eye-level. He was avoiding her eye, refusing to respond. She brushed a strand of hair from her face and paused, frowning with consternation. Standing up she put one hand on his shoulder, and looking toward the house saw Michael at the window and shrugged hopelessly.
They drank their coffee while Jamie mooched about outside refusing to come in.
‘Don’t worry,’ Michael said.
Susan stared into her cup. ‘What do I tell him?’ They hadn’t talked about what they would do. All she knew was that Michael was leaving.
‘Listen, I’ll take Jamie with me, and when we get back we’ll decide what happens next, okay?’
‘Okay.’
Michael hesitated, knowing she needed more than that. ‘Last night meant something to me,’ he said and then corrected himself. ‘It means something. You mean something.’
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