“I was. I needed more healing than anyone there. I was so in love with him. I would have done anything for him.” Her voice turned thoughtful, with just a touch of bitterness. “Young women in love, girls, can be so stupid.”
Rahl just listened. Had he taken advantage of Jienela in the same way? He tightened his lips. He had. He’d never thought of it in the way Deybri had put it.
“Rahl? You look so distant. What is it?”
“I was thinking. You must have heard how I ended up in Nylan, didn’t you?”
“Not really. Leyla said that you’d gotten in trouble with a magister and used order in ways you shouldn’t have.”
“I did.” Rahl didn’t want to say more, but he had to be honest, especially after what Deybri had told him. “I also got a girl with child. I didn’t mean to, but it was…I didn’t want to consort her, but I agreed that I would if she and her parents insisted. It never came to that. Her brothers attacked me—they were much older, and then, I didn’t even know I was an ordermage. Magister Puvort actually used some sort of order to lower their self-control. Taryl thinks he did that because he didn’t want to deal with a natural ordermage.” Rahl forced himself to look squarely at Deybri. “In some ways, maybe I’m not any better than Bhulyr.”
“Do you regret what you did? Honestly?”
“I am sorry I led Jienela on. Even though it was as much her doing as mine, it wasn’t fair to her.” And after what Deybri had said, and what he had sensed, he was even more regretful than he had been before. “I can’t say I’m sorry about defending myself against her brothers or hurting them. I was trying to explain that we’d already arranged to talk to her parents. They didn’t listen.”
“Rahl…Bhulyr was never sorry. He wasn’t capable of regret. He couldn’t understand someone else’s pain.” Deybri put both her hands around Rahl’s. “I could see what you felt just from my words. I didn’t know why until you told me. So long as you feel like that, you’ll never be like one of them.”
“I…how can…” Rahl wasn’t sure what to say. He had been one of them. He hadn’t meant to be, but…
“Rahl…do you remember what I said to you when we first met…about your being almost a pretty boy?”
He could hear the quiver in her voice as well as feel the uncertainty and the anguish, and it tore at him. He nodded slowly, unwilling to trust his voice.
“I was so…surprised…taken aback…by what I felt in seeing you…that…I said what I felt. After Bhulyr, I’d been so cautious. I never thought I’d ever again see anyone who attracted me, and then to see you…and realize how much younger you were, I wasn’t thinking, and I couldn’t believe what I’d said.” Her eyes dropped for a moment. “I just tried to pass it off. You knew better, and that frightened me. I’m supposed to be a grown healer, but, maybe, someplace deep inside, we’re all still barely grown girls and boys.”
“Maybe we are.” He managed a smile. “Maybe we could still grow up together.”
Her laugh was shaky, but it was a laugh, and he lifted his other hand to take both of hers in his.
LXXXV
Oneday morning was far more like a spring day than winter, although winter had several eightdays yet to run, with a warm and gentle breeze flowing through the open windows of the administrator’s study. Taryl did look more rested, finally, and the deep circles under his eyes had disappeared, but he was more angular than he once had been—and Taryl had never carried any fat.
“…and the patrollers will just have to put some of the troublemakers and cutpurses in one of the station gaols until one of the mage-guards can question them,” Rahl concluded his summary of the mage-guard/patroller situation in Nubyat.
“Once the younger mage-guards get more experience, Chewyrt can change that.”
Rahl nodded. “What can you tell me about Prince Golyat and the rebels?”
“As for the situation with regard to the rebels…” Taryl coughed, then continued, “Shuchyl should be in control of Elmari by now, but we haven’t gotten any dispatches yet, either from the fleet offshore or from Shuchyl himself.”
“If he has, when will we move on Sastak?” asked Rahl.
“Shortly,” replied Taryl. “I expect we’ll be able to begin mobilizing within a few days.”
Taryl was waiting for something. That was clear. But what? And why? “I’ve certainly appreciated the time here, but I almost feel guilty, ser, just waiting.”
“Every tactics manual cautions against both unnecessary delay and impatience, but none of them define either one except in generalities, Rahl. That’s because the terms can only be defined in context of the particular situation. Right now, both supplies and tempers are getting short in Sastak.”
“We’re blockading the port, but we’re not cutting off their access to the surrounding land.”
“You’re right, and the land is fertile,” Taryl pointed out. “It’s one of the breadbaskets of Merowey and Hamor.”
Rahl frowned.
“All their surplus grain and tubers were shipped out for hard coin after last fall’s harvest. It is every year. There’s not enough left for both the port and the troopers and their mounts.”
Rahl wasn’t certain that was the only reason for delay, but Taryl wasn’t about to say more. “What will you be having me do?”
“Third Company will be utilized as it was in the attack on Nubyat.”
“Standing by until needed, or until I figure out what to do, later than I should?”
“Something like that,” Taryl said amiably. “Your abilities and the support Third Company provides are still largely unrecognized.”
“After the wall?”
“Anyone on the rebel side who understood what you did is dead. Those on our side who know you did it won’t be able to explain how it could have been your doing in any fashion that is believable to those who were not there. Thus, the credit, if one can call it that, will go to me or be attributed to someone of greater experience who is currently elsewhere, but who will be rumored to have been here.” Taryl laughed, a sound that combined humor with a sardonic cynicism without being cold. “Feats of great and stupid strength are always attributed to the young, and those of skill and devastation to the old because that is what all, except the young, wish to believe.” He stood, signifying that it was time for Rahl to head out on his daily duties.
Rahl rose quickly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, ser, unless there’s something urgent.”
“Let’s hope there isn’t.”
After offering a smile, Rahl left the study. He had only taken three or four long strides away from the study door and from Falyka and her ledgers and neat stacks of papers when he saw Deybri coming down the long corridor. He smiled and kept walking toward her. “Good morning.” He stopped short, just looking into her golden brown eyes.
“Good morning, Rahl.” An amused smile played around her lips, but beneath it was both warmth, and preoccupation.
“You have some problems? Besides me, that is?”
“Some of the troopers are getting something like a chaos-flux. It’s not too bad, but when it gets warmer…more of them will start getting it. They really should be in real barracks.”
“They’ll probably be moving out before too long. That might help.”
“It might.”
“You could help my chaos, too,” Rahl bantered, offering a grin he hoped was disarming. “You could accept my offer to consort you.”
“Did you actually propose?” Her smile was amused, but he could sense the worry behind it.
“Several times, as I recall, if not exactly in those words.” He paused. “You’re worried about my proposal?”
She sighed. “A woman can’t keep many secrets from you.”
“I can sense how you feel, but not necessarily why,” he pointed out.
“You know how I feel. I can’t hide that from you. Much as I want you, I still worry that your loins are playing a larger part than your head or heart.” She leaned forward and kissed his lips,
gently. “It’s all very strange. In some ways, we’ve known each other our entire lives, even from before the first time we met. In others, we don’t know each other at all…”
“If that’s so…why did you come here?”
“Rahl…isn’t it better to look for your heart’s desire than to turn your back on it? I think and feel that you are, that our spirits could become one, but I want to know it, and I want you to know that as well.”
“That’s why I wrote you…and gave you the letters I never had a chance to post…the letters I wrote hoping I could send…”
“I’ve read them, and they help…They help a great deal.” Her eyes were bright again.
He took her hands. “I’m sorry. You are my heart’s desire—and far more than that.” He swallowed. “I won’t press you again, not because I don’t want you for my consort, but because you know what I want, and I’ll wait for your decision.”
“Rahl…don’t…don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“You know what.”
He offered a contrite smile. “I’m sorry.”
“How do I know? You’re so self-contained.”
Rahl just looked at Deybri, then dropped all his shields, letting her sense everything—the longing, the love, the fear that she would reject him—even the desire.
“Rahl…please.” Her face had gone white.
“You wanted to know.” Rahl eased his shields back into place. “How else could I tell you?”
The smallest of tears oozed from the corners of her eyes. “It’s hard, Rahl. Being around you is like either being in pitch-darkness or blinded by the sun. With your shields in place, I don’t sense anything about how you feel. Without them in place, what you feel overwhelms me.”
What could he say? Finally, he just took her hand and squeezed it gently. His own eyes burned, and he swallowed.
She squeezed his hand back. “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. You try so hard. It’s me, not you. Please…I do love you. Please?”
He nodded.
“I should go. I have to tell Taryl what we need before he starts meeting with all the commanders.”
Rahl released her hand, then turned and watched her as she walked past Falyka and into the administrator’s study. After a moment, he made his way to the stairs, then to the stable.
After saddling the gelding, Rahl gathered his three troopers and went through his morning rounds, then made his way to the harbor to see if Chewyrt had anything to report. He hadn’t even reined up outside the mage-guard station when Pemyla, one of the junior mage-guards, hurried toward him.
“Big cruiser coming in, ser,” offered Pemyla. “It’s flying banners, the Triad banners, it looks like.”
“It is? I need to see.” Rahl urged the gelding past the younger mage-guard and toward pier two. “If it is, the overcommander will need to know immediately.”
After reining up at the seaward end of the pier, Rahl studied the banners, then turned and rode back to the waiting mage-guard and his three-trooper escort.
“Sovarth, you ride back and find Captain Drakeyt. Tell him that we’ll need a squad to act as an honor guard for the Triads. And we’ll need a carriage or a fancy wagon. Faslyn, you ride to the Administrator’s Residence and tell his aide that both the High Command Triad and the Mage-Guard Triad are aboard the cruiser.”
“Yes, ser!”
Rahl turned to Pemyla. “You need to inform Undercaptain Chewyrt immediately. Tell him that I’ve taken steps to inform the overcommander.”
“Yes, ser.”
Once Pemyla had hurried off, Rahl looked back at the cruiser, with its dark hull and white superstructure. Two Triads in Nubyat? That worried him.
He didn’t like the idea of meeting the Triads personally, but someone had to, and he dismounted and handed the gelding’s reins to Naimyl, the remaining trooper. “Go and tell whoever’s on duty at the mage-guard station that we’ll probably need a wagon for baggage or cargo and to have one ready. After that, just stand by where you’re out of the way but can see when I’ll need you. I’ll wait here at the end of the pier for now.”
“Yes, ser.”
As Naimyl rode toward the mage-guard station, Rahl looked back at the incoming cruiser again, then shook his head.
Drakeyt arrived with first and second squads just as the Ryalthmer was doubling up the lines to the bollards on the pier. “The Triads?”
“Two of the three,” Rahl replied.
“The administrator’s carriage isn’t far behind.”
“Good…and thank you.”
“I always did want to see the Triads. That way I can tell everyone that they pull on their boots one foot at a time. We’ll form up here at the foot of the pier, one squad on each side. That will leave space for the administrator’s coach at the end of the squads.”
“And I can greet them and lead them to the coach.”
“You sound most enthusiastic, Majer.”
“I will be by the time I greet them.” Rahl turned and hurried toward the cruiser.
He stood waiting until the gangway was swung into place. Then he waited some more until the two Triads appeared on the quarterdeck. Behind them were other mage-guards, aides of some sort, predominantly women, Rahl noted.
Finally, Fieryn strode down the gangway, followed by Dhoryk.
Rahl bowed his head politely. “Triad Fieryn, Triad Dhoryk, welcome to Nubyat.” He let nervousness play across the surface of the shields he was trying to keep hidden, as well as some worry. “As soon as we saw your banners we sent word to the overcommander and acting administrator.”
“Taryl is handling three positions, again, then?”
“I beg your pardon, ser?” Rahl projected the slightest bit of confusion.
“He’s always overworking himself and those around him.” Fieryn’s words carried amusement and condescension. “I’m amazed that there was even a senior mage-guard here to greet us.” He glanced to the end of the pier. “And an honor guard as well.”
“All Triads merit an honor guard, ser, as they should.” Behind his shields, Rahl hoped he was treading the line between simple conscientiousness and worry in his projected feelings while not revealing how much he was concealing.
“That is something a few others should remember.” Fieryn paused. “I’ve met you. You’re Rahl, the one from the ironworks.”
“Yes, ser.”
“You’ve been in most of the battles, have you not?”
“Yes, ser.”
“As Taryl’s assistant, or with the troopers?”
“With Third Company, ser.”
Fieryn’s eyes dropped to the overlong truncheon at Rahl’s belt. “That’s right. An order mage-guard with skill in arms.” He looked up. “Ah…I see that the administrator and his coach have arrived.”
“For Taryl, that is positively punctual,” murmured Dhoryk.
Rahl decided against commenting. “If I could escort you…”
“Lead on, Mage-Guard Rahl.”
Rahl turned and set out to cover the two-hundred-plus cubits at a measured pace.
Taryl had indeed accompanied the coach, and he stood beside it, waiting as Rahl led the way through the honor guard and to the coach. Taryl glanced at Rahl. “Thank you, Rahl. Report as usual before dinner.”
“Yes, ser.” Rahl stepped back.
“Greetings, Fieryn, and you, Dhoryk. You do us great honor in coming to Merowey…”
Rahl slipped away and back toward the Ryalthmer. Nor was he looking forward to dealing with either Triad’s aides.
LXXXVI
With some relief, Rahl did discover that the aides to Fieryn and Dhoryk seemed to have no overt agendas but did insist on a greater briefing on the situation in Merowey than Rahl had expected. After dealing with them, he had to hurry through the rest of the day, trying to deal with the usual—the fact that no matter what he and Taryl had done, it never seemed to be enough. Even so, he did manage to return to Taryl’s study well before dinner.
That need had been clear from Taryl’s words on the pier, since Rahl often did not report in the evening.
“Did either Fieryn or Dhoryk say anything of interest?” Those were Taryl’s first words when Rahl entered the chamber.
“Fieryn asked if you were handling three positions. I asked what he meant, politely, but naively, and he replied that you overworked yourself, with the implication that you overworked everyone else as well. He said he was surprised that there was even a senior mage-guard on the pier. Dhoryk murmured something about your lack of punctuality, and Fieryn asked if I’d been in the battles, then remembered that I came from the ironworks and promptly seemed to lose interest in me. That was all.”
“You didn’t ever relax your shields?”
“No, ser.” Rahl didn’t mention that he wouldn’t have dared after all of Taryl’s emphasis on keeping them solid around older and more experienced mage-guards.
Taryl fingered his chin, then glanced out the window at the early evening clouds gathering out over the ocean to the west. “After Thalye, you asked a question. Do you remember it?”
Rahl managed to conceal a frown. What had it been? Oh, he’d asked if Taryl had been dissatisfied, and Taryl had told him that he had a lesson to learn, one that could not be taught. “Yes, ser.” His words were polite.
“Good.” Taryl continued to glance out the window.
“Did the Triads reveal anything new?” Rahl finally asked, knowing that Taryl did not intend to say more about that lesson but wondering why Taryl had brought the issue up now.
“Scarcely,” replied Taryl. “We only talked in the coach, and they were more interested in finding out the situation here. They were pleased that you recognized the requirements of their status but suggested that Nubyat does need a permanent honor guard, among other things.” The overcommander laughed.
“That would not be the highest of my priorities, ser.”
“Nor mine, as you well know.” After another pause, Taryl went on, “You handled the shields well enough. Neither of them realized that you actually had shields. But don’t get too confident. They had other things on their minds, and had they really been concerned about you, they would have sensed more.”
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