by George Mikes
‘This tank, the A.22,’ Churchill replied a little later, ‘was ordered off the drawing board, and large numbers went into production very quickly. As might be expected it had many defects and teething troubles, and when these became apparent, the tank was appropriately rechristened Churchill.’
There was a brief, polite laughter. He continued: ‘The defects have now been largely overcome. I am sure that this tank will prove, in the end, a powerful, massive and serviceable weapon of war.’
A. P. Herbert, himself a Member of Parliament at the time, comments: ‘At that, I remember, we laughed as if we had never laughed before. Some have said that the little joke, turned against himself, but yet obliquely an answer to the whole attack, took the sting and strength out of it.’ Then he adds: ‘… the world seemed suddenly a better place, Rommel a menace no more, and Churchill the only man.’
Perhaps better jokes have been made by many a politician. But never by a Prime Minister, during a war, and fighting for his political life. And this joke could not have been made by the Prime Minister of any other country – the whole scene is typically British. What is being said is important on all occasions; but not half as important as when, how and by whom. The wittiest remark in the world may in another age become a dud; a mediocre music-hall joke may (as we saw earlier) make history.
When Churchill paid his first war-time visit to President Roosevelt, he stayed in the White House. Roosevelt was always a little suspicious of Churchill, thinking him too clever by half and suspecting that Churchill wanted to use America to save the British Empire; which, of course, he did. On this occasion the two leaders were talking well into the night. Churchill returned to his own quarters, when Roosevelt had an afterthought – there was something else he wanted to add to the discussion – and wheeled himself into Churchill’s suite. Churchill had already had a shower and came out stark naked to meet the President. Roosevelt was a shy and somewhat prudish man, obviously quite embarrassed. Churchill noticed this and reassured him: ‘The Prime Minister of Great Britain has nothing to conceal from the President of the United States.’
And finally, just one more anecdote, showing Churchill’s wit, wickedness and charm. Joe Kennedy, the later and late President John Kennedy’s father, was US Ambassador to Britain during the war. At a ceremonial dinner Mrs Kennedy sat next to Churchill. She had innumerable children and grandchildren and believed in a curious theory: that she could never fail to interest anyone she met because at least one of her many offspring must fascinate him. On this occasion the Prime Minister had been talking to his other neighbour for a long time. It was towards the end of dinner that he turned to Mrs Kennedy, who said to him: ‘I don’t think, Mr Churchill, that I have told you anything about my grandchildren.’
To which Churchill replied: ‘For which, Madam, I am infinitely grateful.’
ELEGY IN A COUNTRY CHURCHYARD
G. K. Chesterton
The men that worked for England
They have their graves at home:
And bees and birds of England
About the cross can roam.
But they that fought for England,
Following a falling star,
Alas, alas for England
They have their graves afar.
And they that rule in England,
In stately conclave met,
Alas, alas for England
They have no graves as yet.
THE ENGLISHMAN
G. K. Chesterton
St George he was for England,
And before he killed the dragon
He drank a pint of English ale
Out of an English flagon.
For though he fast right readily
In hair-shirt or in mail,
It isn’t safe to give him cakes
Unless you give him ale.
St George he was for England,
And right gallantly set free
The lady left for dragon’s meat
And tied up to a tree;
But since he stood for England
And knew what England means,
Unless you give him bacon
You mustn’t give him beans.
St George he is for England,
And shall wear the shield he wore
When we go out in armour
With the battle-cross before.
But though he is jolly company
And very pleased to dine,
It isn’t safe to give him nuts
Unless you give him wine.
TO MAURICE BARING
From Hilaire Belloc
KING’S LAND
August 8th, 1921
I have begun to make a new sort of Rhymes for little Children. Zita Benson who is here and works for the Catholic Truth Society says I ought to publish the rhymes with them.
Here are some.
The Wasp
Oh! Look! Mamma, a wasp is here!
It buzzes and it comes so near
I’m sure ’twill sting me by and by!
God-damn the Bloody Wasp say I!
The Game of Cricket
I wish you’d speak to Mary, Nurse,
She’s really getting worse and worse.
Just now when Tommy gave her out
She cried and then began to pout
And then she tried to take the ball
Although she cannot bowl at all.
And now she’s standing on the pitch,
The miserable little Bitch!
Grandmamma’s Birthday
Dear Grandmamma, with what we give,
We humbly pray that you may live
For many, many happy years:
Although you bore us all to tears.
Like all Lyric Verse of the Epigrammatic type these will need ceaseless revision before they are exact: but even rough and early versions will give you an idea of the new method.
HENRY KING
Who chewed bits of String, and was early cut off in Dreadful Agonies.
Hilaire Belloc
The Chief Defect of Henry King
Was chewing little bits of String.
At last he swallowed some which tied
Itself in ugly Knots inside.
Physicians of the Utmost Fame
Were called at once; but when they came
They answered, as they took their Fees,
‘There is no Cure for this Disease.
Henry will very soon be dead.’
His Parents stood about his Bed
Lamenting his Untimely Death,
When Henry, with his Latest Breath,
Cried—‘Oh, my Friends, be warned by me,
That Breakfast, Dinner, Lunch, and Tea
Are all the Human Frame requires …’
With that, the Wretched Child expires.
THE RUM TUM TUGGER
T. S. Eliot
The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat:
If you offer him pheasant he would rather have grouse.
If you put him in a house he would much prefer a flat,
If you put him in a flat then he’d rather have a house.
If you set him on a mouse then he only wants a rat,
If you set him on a rat then he’d rather chase a mouse.
Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat –
And there isn’t any call for me to shout it:
For he will do
As he do do
And there’s no doing anything about it!
The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:
When you let him in, then he wants to be out;
He’s always on the wrong side of every door,
And as soon as he’s at home, then he’d like to get about.
He likes to lie in the bureau drawer,
But he makes such a fuss if he can’t get out.
Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat –
And it isn’t any use for you to doubt it:
For he will do
As he do do
And ther
e’s no doing anything about it!
The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast:
His disobliging ways are a matter of habit.
If you offer him fish then he always wants a feast;
When there isn’t any fish then he won’t eat rabbit.
If you offer him cream then he sniffs and sneers,
For he only likes what he finds for himself;
So you’ll catch him in it right up to the ears,
If you put it away on the larder shelf.
The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing,
The Rum Tum Tugger doesn’t care for a cuddle;
But he’ll leap on your lap in the middle of your sewing,
For there’s nothing he enjoys like a horrible muddle.
Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat –
And there isn’t any need for me to spout it:
For he will do
As he do do
And there’s no doing anything about it!
Farewell to English Humour
A short while ago I published a book, called How to be Decadent,* which ended with these words: ‘Thirty years ago I admired the English enormously but did not like them very much; today I admire them much less but love them much more.’ I also said that in England the ruling class did not rule, the working class did not work and the middle class was not in the middle. ‘If you are a worker you are not to work, if you are a solicitor you are not to solicit, if you are a street walker you are not to walk the streets, if you are the Lord Privy Seal you are not a Lord and if you are the Black Rod you most certainly are not black (nor, for that matter, are you a rod). This aspect of England seems to be unchanging and unchangeable. Quite recently the British have brought in a new holiday (the one and only Socialist act of a Socialist government): the First of May. This year (1979) the First of May was celebrated on the Sixth of May. Quaint. Queer. Endearing.’
But is it? Is it not time to be a little less queer and a shade less endearing? I said earlier in this book that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit to Israel. That is a good thing because the new state of Israel needs very different qualities from the self-effacing, self-mocking attitudes of East European Jewry. Circumstances in Britain have also changed, just as drastically as the circumstances of the Jews, and Britain, too, needs new qualities and a new spirit. Instead of being the Good Losers the British ought to become the Nasty Winners; instead of sophisticated self-mockery they ought to learn repulsive competitiveness; instead of the endearing understatement they must get into the habit of wild exaggeration; instead of the enchanting ability of laughing at themselves they ought to learn taking themselves seriously. And what about a few lessons in kicking the man who is down? When all these things are learnt, Britain will certainly be a less pleasant place to live in but it will have a chance to survive. Once we have risen again to the high living standards of East Germany, we may start regaining our tolerance, our self-mocking understatement and our inimitable ability of laughing at ourselves.
The English sense of humour is the most wonderful thing any nation can boast of; if Britain wants to survive as a leading industrial nation it must get rid of it without delay.
THE BEGINNING
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PENGUIN BOOKS
UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia
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Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
First published by André Deutsch Limited 1980
Published by Unwin Paperbacks 1983
This edition first published in Penguin Books 2016
Copyright © George Mikes, 1980
Illustrations copyright © Walter Goetz, 1980
Grateful acknowledgement is made for permission to quote from ‘The Rum Tum Tugger’ by T. S. Eliot, reproduced with permission of Faber & Faber; and from the letter to Maurice Baring and ‘Henry King’ by Hilaire Belloc, reproduced with permission of Peters Fraser & Dunlop
The moral right of the copyright holders has been asserted
ISBN: 978-0-241-97855-9
* Eight Humorists, with drawings by David Langdon, Wingate, 1954 and Humour in Memoriam, Routledge & Kegan Paul and André Deutsch, 1970.
* The English Sense of Humour, by Harold Nicolson, Constable, 1956.
* See a more detailed reasoning on this in my book Humour in Memoriam, Routledge & Kegan Paul and André Deutsch, 1970.
* The same subject is treated at greater length in my book Humour in Memoriam, Routledge & Kegan Paul and André Deutsch, 1970.
* Extremely unlikely. Lear himself was crushed to death thirty years before Czechoslovakia was born.
* In improvised translation: We all die twice. (A thought that makes me queasy.)
To cease being loved or cease to love –
Save me from that, oh Heavens above!
But to cease to live? That’s easy.
* These two jokes and one or two further down are quoted from the Big Red Joke Book by Greg Benton and Graham Loomes, Pluto Press, London, 1976.
* How to be Decadent, André Deutsch, 1977.
* Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Jonathan Cape, 1969.
* Emery Kelen: Mr Nonsense: A Life of Edward Lear, Macdonald & Janes, 1973.
* The last quotes come from Roger Lancelyn Green’s Lewis Carroll, The Bodley Head, 1960.
* In Derek Hudson’s Lewis Carroll, Constable, 1954.
* Hesketh Pearson: Gilbert, His Life and Strife, Methuen, 1957.
* G. Legman: The Limerick, Volume I, Panther Books, 1976.
* Churchill, edited by Charles Eade, Hutchinson, 1953.
* André Deutsch, 1977.
