But now all Donetta could feel was severe discomfort. “Urrrghh,” she moaned as she held one hand over her vagina and the other over her lower abdomen to help stifle the pain. Slowly, she tiptoed back to the kitchen and wet several paper towels in the sink. She whimpered and gritted her teeth as she bent down and cleaned up the small specks of blood she’d hemorrhaged onto the floor. “I can’t believe this is happening,” she moaned. She was starting to feel dizzy, and sadly, she had a feeling it was about to get worse. She grabbed her phone off the counter and headed to the bedroom. With slow and measured steps, she eased past the bed and was relieved to see that Phillip was still sound asleep, snoring on his back. Another sharp pain hit her as she limped into the bathroom and quietly closed the door behind her. She knew exactly what she needed to do, so she opened the closet where she kept her medications.
She pushed the bottle of Percocet to the side in search of the high-octane painkiller she’d hoped she’d never have to take again. “There it is,” she whispered, grabbing the bottle of Dilaudid.
Donetta put one of the powerful pills in her mouth and limped over to the sink. She cupped her hands under the running water and gulped until the painkiller slid down her throat. “Lord, please let this work fast.” She felt as if she’d run a marathon, and now when she looked at herself in the mirror she could no longer see the sexy, bright-eyed woman who’d stared back at her just moments ago. Large beads of sweat dotted her forehead, her eyes looked red and tired, and her skin looked flushed. She practically staggered over to her marble soaker tub and plopped down on the edge. The pain was so great she began to feel hot and nauseated. “Lord, please let everything be all right with me. Please.” Donetta dialed the number to the clinic where she’d been going for the past several years, and waited for someone to answer.
When she was finally patched through to one of the nurses on duty, Donetta could barely speak, but she gathered the strength to explain in detail what had happened to her. “I was fine during sex last night,” she whispered.
“Was it moderate or rigorous?”
“Rigorous . . . and good.”
The nurse cleared her throat. “Okay.”
“I felt fine when I woke up this morning. I even talked on the phone with my best friend for a while. I was about to make breakfast when all of a sudden my lower pelvic area started hurting, and then my vagina felt like it was on fire. I looked down and saw blood. I’m still bleeding now. I’m hot, nauseated, and I feel terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The nurse explained that even though it had been a full year since her surgery, bleeding could still occur if this was the first time she’d had rigorous intercourse. The nurse instructed her to take her temperature while they were on the phone. When Donetta removed the digital thermometer from under her tongue, she was grateful to see that it was normal.
“You’re sore and you’re in pain,” the nurse continued, “and that can cause the headache, nausea, and fatigue that you’re experiencing. You need to drink plenty of fluids and monitor your temperature. If it rises, that means you have an infection and you’ll need to get in here right away.”
“How long will this last?” Donetta asked.
“It’s hard to say. You could feel better in just a few hours, or it might take a few days, depending upon how quickly your body heals. Most likely you’ll have some residual discomfort due to the intercourse you described, but that will get better over time. The most important thing for you to do is to stay calm and listen to your body.”
“Okay, I’m just so scared.”
“Anxiety will only worsen your symptoms and elevate your blood pressure. The Dilaudid you took should start working pretty soon, and that will immediately help to ease your pain and calm your body. In the meantime, get plenty of rest and monitor your temperature throughout the day because as I mentioned, that will be a direct indicator of infection. Also, make sure you douche this morning and dilate later tonight.”
Donetta hung up the phone and wanted to cry. The thought of putting anything inside her right now made her feel weaker than she already was, and took her mind back to the hell she’d suffered after her surgery.
She’d experienced a range of emotions the morning of her surgery, vacillating between whether to go through with it or not. She’d always been sure that it was what she’d wanted to do, because she’d felt it was the final step in making her outside match up with who she was on the inside. But when she’d been lying in the prep room, waiting to be wheeled into the OR, her fears about the pain she would experience dominated her mind. She’d done years of research and had thoroughly discussed the procedure with her surgeon. She’d talked to as many trans women as she could who’d had the surgery, she’d watched hundreds of YouTube videos and read equally as many blogs of women who’d chronicled their experiences before and after surgery. Some had recovered without a single problem, while others had been plagued with one catastrophe after another, sometimes resulting in the need for additional surgical procedures. But no matter their individual experiences, one thing rang true with every testimonial that Donetta had heard, seen, or read, and that was the fact that there would be no getting around some amount of pain.
Donetta had been beyond thankful to have Geneva there by her side, holding her hand each step of the way. She knew if it hadn’t been for her best friend, and her beloved grandma Winnie’s spirit praying over her from above, she couldn’t have made it through. When she’d awoken in her hospital bed after surgery, Geneva’s determined and caring face had been the first thing she’d seen, and it had made Donetta smile, but that was the last time she would smile for several weeks.
The pain that Donetta had experienced had been so excruciating that she hadn’t wished it on her worst enemy—not even Johnny, from the grave—and that had been saying a lot because she’d despised him. She’d lain on her back in pain for five days before her surgeon removed the packing inside her new body part. She’d tried to think positive about what was about to happen, and she had focused her mind on the women who’d described the feeling as liberating, once they’d been unpacked. Unfortunately for Donetta, it had been so painful and uncomfortable that she’d had to ask for another dose of Dilaudid just to get through the procedure. It had taken several minutes to remove what had felt like miles of gauze from the new space between her legs. And if she’d thought the unpacking had been bad, the dilating had been downright torture. Just as she’d done research about the surgery, she’d educated herself as much as she could about dilating, especially because it was something she’d have to do for the rest of her life.
Donetta still remembered the sharp pain she’d felt when her surgeon had inserted the long, hard plastic dildo inside her immediately after removing the packing. In retrospect she’d realized later that he’d actually been as gentle as a lamb, but at the time she’d been so swollen and sore that it had felt as though he’d jammed hot coals inside her.
“Dilation is a lifelong commitment, and something you must continue from this moment forward,” Donetta’s surgeon had told her in a calm, steady voice as he pushed the dildo farther and farther inside her. “If you do not dilate on schedule, it will result in a shortening of your vaginal depth, and once you lose depth you can never get it back.” One of the trans women in Donetta’s support group had explained it in more basic terms. “It’s like getting your ears pierced. If you don’t wear your earrings, your hole will close up.”
For the first eight weeks after surgery, Donetta had had to dilate five times a day for twenty minutes each time. From week eight to week twenty-four, she’d gone down to three times per day. From week twenty-five to fifty-two, it had dropped to once a day. And now, she only had to dilate once a week. In the beginning, Donetta had felt as though her entire life centered around the exhaustive exercise and the extreme amount of time it took to lube up, dilate, and then clean herself, as well as the dilator, after each session. She’d gotten to a point that she’d planned her days around her dilation. For
tunately, it got better over time, and now dilating was as normal and easy for her as brushing her teeth. But not this morning.
Donetta grimaced when a hot burst of pain shot through her lower body as she leaned against the back of the commode, inserted the douche nozzle, and squeezed. She closed her eyes and saw bright lights and stars. “Sweet mother of Jesus,” she called out in pain. At this point she didn’t care whether Phillip woke up or not, and as a matter of fact, if he did she would ask him to douse her lower body with a bucket of ice.
Slowly, Donetta rose to her feet and ran cool water over a washcloth. She gently pressed it between her legs and held it there, praying for the Dilaudid to kick in. She wiped away more blood and then reached into her cabinet and pulled out a box of Always with wings. Suddenly, she felt light-headed, and she knew her prayer had been answered—the medicine was taking effect. “Thank You, Lord.”
From past experience, Donetta knew she only had a few minutes before the powerful drug would begin to make her feel loopy, because once it kicked in, it took her down for the count. Back in the bedroom Donetta walked gingerly to her dresser and removed a pair of cotton panties. She was about to walk back to into her bathroom to insert her pad while she was still coherent enough to do it, but when she turned around she saw Phillip sitting up on his elbows, staring at her.
Donetta was holding her panties in one hand and her pad in the other. She didn’t have the energy to explain anything to Phillip, so she stood where she was without saying a word. She watched him as he tossed his long, muscular legs over the side of the bed and reached down to pull on his boxer briefs. Even in her dizzy state, Donetta could still see that his body was a thing of beauty. He walked over to her, gently embraced her, and kissed the top of her forehead.
“Good morning,” he said.
She did her best to smile. “Good morning.”
Phillip looked down at her hands. “Come on.” He led her to the edge of the bed and helped her sit down. He took the panties from her hand, lifted her feet, and pulled the underwear up her legs. He placed the pad in the center of her panties. “I’m not sure how this works, but if you guide me, I can help.”
Donetta burst into a flood of tears. She didn’t know if it was because of the throbbing pain between her legs, the ringing she felt in her head, or the gentle way Phillip had just treated her, but what she did know was that she felt completely safe and loved. “I’m sorry, Phillip,” Donetta sobbed.
“Shhhh.” He put his finger to her lips. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. It’s okay, I’m here for you.”
Donetta pulled herself together long enough to secure her pad in place, then Phillip helped her get back in bed. He tucked the comforter around her body and kissed her forehead again. “Do you need to take anything?”
Donetta shook her head. “I already took some medicine . . . and it’s starting to make me feel drowsy.”
“Close your eyes and rest. I’m going to get dressed and head out because I have to pick my sister up from the airport this morning.”
The last thing Donetta remembered was Phillip telling her to rest. She closed her eyes and was sound asleep within seconds.
Chapter 17
PHILLIP
At first Phillip didn’t know what to think when he saw Donetta standing in front of her dresser looking as if she’d just finished a long day at work. He’d been sleeping soundly until he’d heard her crying out in the bathroom. It had taken him a minute to gather himself, and by the time he’d propped himself up on his elbows, Donetta was walking out of the bathroom. Right away he’d known something was wrong. The gate of her stride was different, her straight shoulders were hunched, and her back was bent. He watched in silence as she reached into her dresser drawer and pulled out a pair of panties. But when he looked at her other hand and saw what he knew was a sanitary pad, he realized that she’d come on her period.
Growing up in a house with two women whom he was very close to, and having countless women in and out of his life, Phillip was well-acquainted with the discomfort, and in some cases, agony, that accompanied a women’s menstrual cycle. It was one of the reasons he was glad he was a man, because he didn’t think he could go through what he saw as torture every month.
He could see the pain on Donetta’s face, and all he’d wanted to do was take care of her. He’d helped her get situated as best he could before tucking her in bed. The next thing he knew she was fast asleep. He looked at the clock on Donetta’s nightstand and noted that he still had an hour before he needed to leave to pick Lauren up from the airport. He walked over to the other side of the bed and found his pants, shirt, and blazer lying on the floor where he’d left them. He smiled as he dressed, thinking about last night, or actually, early this morning.
After he’d kissed Donetta in the lobby at the hotel, he’d known right then that he was finally ready for what his mother had talked to him about earlier that day. He was ready for a real, committed, grownup relationship, and he wanted it with Donetta. He wanted to build something with her and watch it grow. Her lips had felt soft and perfect, and when he’d held her in his arms he’d known that was where she belonged, with him.
Twenty-five minutes later he’d found himself parking his rental car behind hers in her driveway and then he’d followed her into her house. The only light inside had come from a pendant in her kitchen, but even in the darkness he could tell that Donetta’s home was tastefully decorated. An aromatic smell filled the air and tickled his nose.
“Listen,” she’d said. “I know when you suggested that we get a room at the hotel I said we should come here, but don’t get it twisted.”
He smiled. “What is it that you don’t want me to twist?”
“Phillip, I’m serious. I don’t want you to think that I bring strange men over to my house when I first meet them.”
“I know that you don’t.”
“Good, because it’s the honest truth.”
“I know that the reason I’m here is because I’m different. I’m special.”
She shook her head and folded her arms. “And what makes you so sure?”
“Because you’re different, and special. What you and I are experiencing with each other is rare, and I’m glad we’re both open and honest enough to put our fears aside so we can deal with it.”
Donetta was silent.
“This is the first time I’ve ever talked to anyone the way I’m talking to you. Donetta, we have a real connection going on between us, and I’m ready to see where whatever is happening between us can go. That’s not a come-on, or a mack move, it’s the simple truth. And I promise you that as long as we’re together, I’ll always be honest with you.”
“Are you saying you want to have a relationship with me?”
Phillip didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“We just met.”
“Yet I’m here, standing inside your home in the wee hours of the morning, prepared to take a chance on wherever this goes.”
“This is happening so . . . so fast.”
“Yes, it is, and that’s why I know this is right for me. I’ve been cautious, taking my time with relationships my whole life. But I don’t have any reservations about pursuing one with you. Are you having reservations about pursuing a relationship with me?”
Donetta inhaled deeply. “Phillip, I’ve made so many terrible mistakes in my life.”
“I understand, and so have I. But for me, it’s not about what I’ve done or what has happened in my past, it’s about what I see right here, right now. I’m not some twenty-something dude who’s trying to live it up. I’m a man who wants more than I’ve ever had, and I’m willing to take a chance to get it.” Phillip had been amazed that he’d made himself so vulnerable to a woman he barely knew. In his experience it had usually been the other way around, but here he was, exposing his most intimate feelings, and it felt right.
He moved in close, pressing his hard body against her soft one. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulled
her in even closer, and kissed her as he’d done at the hotel. Their passionate kisses turned into soft caresses. Their soft caresses gave way to gentle moans. And their gentle moans led them to Donetta’s bedroom. Her blinds were still open, allowing the moon to fill the room with soft light. Phillip admired the sexy silhouette of her slender frame, and he counted himself lucky to be standing where he was, about to embark on what he knew was going to be an experience like no other.
“I’m a little nervous,” Donetta said.
“Please don’t be. I know you’ve been hurt deeply, and I know how much it means that I’m standing here. Donetta, I promise you, I won’t take that for granted and I won’t abuse the honor. Your home is where you feel safe, and I want you to know that you’re safe with me, too.”
She looked into his eyes and placed her arms around his neck, massaging his skin with her delicate fingers. Phillip loved the way it felt when she touched him, further proof to him that he was where he was supposed to be, doing exactly what he was doing. He tilted his head and kissed her slowly, rubbing his hands up and down her body. They took their time taking off each other’s clothes. He admired her long, lean frame and the soft curves that made her look like a centerfold model. When he cupped her perfectly shaped breasts, she’d fidgeted. “I um . . . I had them done a year and a half ago,” she said.
Phillip had been able to tell as soon as he’d unhooked her bra that she either had implants or some type of augmentation surgery because he’d been with a few women who’d had both. And while cosmetically altered breasts didn’t hold the same buoyancy and sensual jiggle that only Mother Nature could provide, they still served the same purpose as far as he was concerned, and he was looking forward to taking great pleasure in Donetta’s. He gently placed his hands over each of her breasts, slowly massaging them. “You’re beautiful in every way,” he told her.
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