I didn’t know the minister who was conducting the service. Hattie had taken everything in her stride after Grandad’s death and we were grateful to her. It let Granny have a rest.
Granny … I looked over to where she was standing with Hattie, Dad and Rosie. Although I knew she had shed tears over Grandad’s death, today she was dry-eyed and standing very straight. Only the sadness of her face belied her widowhood. She was from the old school that taught stiff-backed dignity in all matters and I marvelled at her resolve.
It was a stiflingly hot day and I couldn’t help but recall how Mum had died on a day such as this. Her funeral, however, had been held during a thunderstorm but there were no ominous black clouds today. The sky was bright blue with tiny wisps of white cloud scoring the vast expanse of sky. I felt the heat of the sun beat down on my head.
Kit and George stood beside Nellie and Rita, our old neighbours, and I wondered if they too were remembering Mum’s death. They had been such a great help to us then and I was glad to see they were looking smarter and better nourished than during the bad old days of unemployment.
Ma Ryan was missing but I didn’t expect her to be here although she had sent us a letter of sympathy. I looked over at Granny again. Would I be able to be like her in these circumstances? I doubted it.
The minister’s words sounded like the drone of some dozy insect and his solemn words seemed to hang in the stillness of the air. There was a strong perfume coming from the many flowers which had been placed on some nearby graves and I felt almost drugged with the heat and the scent. I also felt as if I was on the outside looking in. Beyond sadness. Never to see Grandad ever again or laugh at his many antics. I was bereft and it was as if I had lost an arm or a leg, the pain was so intense.
Even Hattie looked shattered. Hattie, who always looked so self-reliant and confident, was now weeping silently, a white handkerchief held against her mouth.
But all things pass and, when the funeral was over, we all made our way to Hattie’s house. I thought Dad may have been annoyed at her making all the funeral arrangements but he had said she wanted to do this last thing for her father. It was cathartic, she said, as if it had cleansed her soul. We all knew what she meant. Although deeply fond of her mother and father, she had, over the past few years, lived a totally different life from them but now she was coming home.
Graham wasn’t at the funeral or at the house. Hattie said he would be there later as he had an important appointment with a client in Glasgow. He was hoping to catch an early-evening train back to Dundee.
Then, to my dismay, I saw the Borlands, Greg’s parents, coming in the door. Maddie gave me a warning glance but I took a few deep breaths and went over to see them.
Barbara Borland gave me a hug while her husband said, ‘We’re so sorry about your grandad, Ann.’
‘Thank you for coming all this way – it’s such a long journey.’ I was kicking myself for being so formal but I was dreading hearing any news of Greg – news like his engagement to his new girlfriend or, even worse, his marriage. ‘How did you manage to get away from the farm?’
Barbara said, ‘We’ve got a neighbour to feed the animals but we’ll catch an early train back to Struan so we won’t be gone for too long.’
I knew their farm was run mostly by themselves except for some extra help at lambing time or during the harvest and it was really very kind of them to come to see us on this sad day.
I took them over to meet Maddie and went to get them some tea and sandwiches. When I returned, I noticed Lily had joined them.
‘You’ll all be devastated about your grandad, Ann – he was such a big part of your lives,’ said Barbara.
I nodded, unable to speak.
Lily said, ‘How is Paddy?’ Paddy was their collie dog and Lily had loved going up the hill with him.
Dave Borland smiled. ‘Still running up the hill and chasing the sheep, Lily. You must come and see us soon as Paddy misses you.’
I threw her a warning glance but she didn’t notice it. ‘Oh, that’ll be lovely.’ She turned to me. ‘Can we go and visit Paddy soon, Ann?’
‘Of course, Lily, but we’ll have to stay with Granny for a while. She’ll need us.’
Lily’s face became sad and I was furious with myself for making her feel like this. What was wrong with me? Just because a man had dumped me it was not an excuse to snub his parents or make my own sister feel sad like this.
I tried to smile warmly. ‘Of course we’ll visit you soon, won’t we, Lily?’
Lily nodded happily.
Barbara leaned forward and said quietly, ‘We do understand, Ann, but, as always, you’re both very welcome to come and stay any time.’
Maybe Lily was, I thought sourly, but surely I wasn’t popular with them, having strung along their only son on so-called false promises.
Maddie saved the situation. ‘I had an aunt who stayed at Struan. She had a small holiday cottage there before the war but she’s given up the lease because of all the restrictions on travel and also because she’s getting older.’
The Borlands said they knew Maddie’s aunt and I left them chatting about mutual acquaintances.
Thankful to escape, I went to sit beside Granny and Bella. They were praising Hattie’s sandwiches. ‘She’s aye been good with pieces,’ said Bella, pushing the last morsel of a dainty sandwich into her mouth. I also noticed she had a large glass of sherry.
Granny looked so tired and I was suddenly worried about her. She’d had so much worry during the past few months but she assured me she was fine when I asked her.
‘It was so good of Hattie to deal with everything, Ann. It’s a big load off my mind, I can tell you. I can just sit here and remember your grandad and all the braw years we had together. I keep telling myself how lucky I’ve been to have had such a good man by my side and I’ve got lots and lots of happy memories to keep me going.’
‘Oh, Granny, I’m so happy you feel like that,’ I blurted out. I also had loads of happy memories but that wouldn’t make up for the loss of Grandad. In fact, I didn’t know how I would cope with the thought of never seeing him again.
Kit and George came over with their condolences. Afterwards Kit said to me, ‘We’ve had some good news, Ann.’
‘Is it Kathleen?’
Kit shook her head. ‘No she’s still working and living above the studio and Maggie is still going berserk. No, my good news is about Patty. He’s been exempted from the forces because of his asthma and also because of his job at the shipyard. His apprenticeship’s finished now and we were worried that he would be called up but seemingly miners, farmers and some other workers are looked on as doing war work and the shipyard jobs fall into that category.’
I was so pleased for them and I said so.
The Borlands came over to say their goodbyes to Granny. I knew it would be bad manners to move away so I tried to compose my face into a smile although my mind was seething with emotions. I saw them to the door and thanked them again for coming.
Barbara turned and took my hand. ‘I know how you’re feeling, Ann. You’ve lost your beloved grandad and we also know that you’ve split up from Greg. We were really very sorry to hear that because we always thought that …’ She hesitated. ‘Well, you know what I mean?’
Yes, I did know what she meant but they probably would soon have a daughter-in-law – only it wasn’t going to be me.
‘Greg is going to write to you – he didn’t realise your grandad was as ill as he was. Also will you consider coming to visit us with Lily?’
‘Aye, I will, Barbara. I’ll drop you a note when we can get away.’
She gave me a searching look. ‘You promise?’
I nodded. ‘I promise.’
I felt terrible afterwards when I walked home with Maddie. ‘I promised to go and see them and I’ve no intention of going. What a fraud I’m turning into!’
Maddie was sympathetic. ‘You’re not a fraud, Ann. You’ve just had too much to do for most of your life
and now you’re tired of it. Greg obviously didn’t realise how much your family means to you or how much they’ve always relied on you. Which is a great pity because you have always divided yourself into little pieces for everyone and he should have been happy to share you.’
As I walked back along the streets which were still warm from the earlier heat, dark clouds hovered above me. They matched my mood. I thought about Maddie’s words but was too tired to analyse them. Greg had either loved me or he hadn’t. It was as simple as that. Or was it?
I was almost at the Overgate when the rain came – heavy thundery rain that streamed from the sky and, within a few moments, I was totally soaked. I had my head down and was running as hard as I could when a familiar voice called my name. Looking up, I saw Graham walking towards me and he was carrying a big black umbrella. He held it over my head and we hurried up Tay Street. He spoke about the funeral and said he was sorry he couldn’t manage to put his client off. I glanced at his face and was dismayed to see it had a tired and strained look. A small nervous tic flickered at his eye and his mouth looked tense.
‘Are you feeling all right, Graham?’ I asked, hoping another worry wasn’t looming large.
He gave me a startled look and tried to smile but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Just a bit of a headache, Ann. I’ve had a tiring day and a long frustrating journey but seeing Hattie will soon cheer me up.’
So it was love, I told myself. Well, good for them!
He insisted I stay under the umbrella until I reached Granny’s close. As I ran up the entrance, he said, ‘I’ll be round to see your gran later, Ann. Will you tell her?’
This bit of news pleased Granny. ‘Och, he’s a really fine man. I just hope Hattie is happy because she deserves to be.’
Lily was listening to the wireless. A sad look was on her face. ‘Do you ever get tired of listening to all this news of the war, Granny?’ She fiddled around with the dial and suddenly some cheery music blared out. Glancing quickly at Granny, she turned it off.
‘Switch it back on, Lily. You listen to your cheery music and enjoy it because your grandad wouldn’t want to see moping and sad faces, now, would he?’
Lily switched it back on. Granny’s words made her feel less sad. She had always been Grandad’s special wee girl and she would always remember that.
I had decided to stay at the Overgate as long as Granny needed me. I didn’t want her living on her own but to my astonishment she said it was time for Lily and me to go back to Roseangle. ‘You’ve done enough here, Ann – not just for Grandad but over all these years and now it’s time to get your life back together.’
I knew she was referring to Greg. I hadn’t told her about the broken engagement but I planned to tell both her and Lily sometime – just not at this moment.
I tried to protest but she was firm. ‘No, Ann. I’ll have Alice in and out for our usual gossip and Hattie and Graham are coming over later so I’ll be fine. Now don’t you worry about me.’
I was still not sure but she was adamant. I said I would continue to come over to do the heavy washing and chores and this seemed to please her so, after our tea, Lily and I headed for the flat.
It had an unlived in feeling and I realised we had been absent for a few months. I soon had a fire going. Not that it was cold but I felt it cheered the room up, especially since the rain was still heavy. Even though it was twilight, we drew the blackout curtains. We listened to some dance band music on the wireless. Later, as we lay in our settee, I listened to the steady rhythm of Lily’s breathing and thought I would never sleep again, such were the conflicting emotions going round in my head.
It had been a terrible day of sadness and loss – not to mention meeting the Borlands and leaving Granny on her own. Then there had been that feeling of foreboding I had felt when meeting Graham. Was he ill? I sincerely hoped not. Yes, it had been some day. Meanwhile, Lily slept like an innocent baby – a sleep that was deep and free from worry but that was as it should be.
I made a mental note to go and see Connie the next morning. There was no reason now why I couldn’t do my usual hours and I also wanted to thank both her and Joe for coming to the funeral. They had been at the cemetery but, as they hadn’t come back to the house, I didn’t get a chance to talk to them. I also wanted to see Nellie and Rita and planned to see them when I visited the Hilltown.
I was just dropping off to sleep when Graham’s face came to mind with its tense, strained look and the nervous tic. A headache? Well, it could have been, I suppose. I had the impression he looked haunted. I mentally scolded myself. What was I turning into? Some kind of fool who made a drama out of everything?
The next morning, before Lily and I could go and see Connie, a letter arrived from Greg. My heart started to pound and I wished Lily had been at school instead of it being the long summer holiday. I tried to look casual. ‘Lily, will you run down for a newspaper please?’
She set off cheerfully. I gave her one of my sweetie coupons to buy some sweets if they were available because sometimes they weren’t. Anyhow, she would be gone long enough for me to read the letter in private. Greg’s letter was full of sympathy:
Mum and Dad have written to tell me about your grandad’s death, Ann, and I can’t begin to say how sorry I am to hear this awful news. Hattie wrote to them to let them know and I hope they managed to go to the funeral. I’m sorry I wrote that letter to you but it was done more in annoyance than in reason and I didn’t know your grandad was so ill. Please forgive me.
There was more of this sentiment before he signed it.
Well, that was one little mystery cleared up. I had wondered how his parents had heard about the death but it was Hattie who had written to them. She didn’t know the engagement was over so she thought she was doing the right thing.
I was sitting with the letter in my hand when I heard Lily’s footsteps on the stairs. Screwing it into a tight ball, I went over to the fireplace. The ashes were still in the grate from the night before and I had been in the process of cleaning it out when the postman called. After dropping Greg’s letter into the ash bucket, I then scooped three lots of grey ash on top of it.
Well, that is that, I thought. But, for some reason, instead of feeling triumphant, I was overwhelmed by a flood of sadness and tears weren’t far away. But I couldn’t cry – not in front of Lily.
10
At the end of the summer holiday, Lily and I set off for her new school. It was a dismally overcast and misty day, very still and mild but with a hint of autumn in the air, and the grey smoke from countless chimneys rose into the sky like an army of ghosts – a multitude of grey wraiths intent on departing from their earthly homes.
Rockwell School was a large building. Red-bricked and imposing, it was so different from the primary school. It was quite a long journey every morning from Roseangle but, because all of Lily’s classmates were going to this school, we decided the extra journey was justified. Another consideration was the fact that the flat wasn’t ours and I had a niggling feeling that I should start very soon to look for somewhere else to rent. When Danny returned, Maddie and Daniel would want to move back in right away to welcome him home.
According to Joe, the war was on the turn. The Allies were capturing more and more ground and the American Army had recently captured Palermo in the Sicily landings. Joe had been almost ecstatic with joy when it was announced that Mussolini, the Italian dictator, had been deposed and had been replaced with King Victor Emmanuel.
‘Aye, it’s just a matter of time before Hitler is deposed as well,’ he said to Connie.
Still, all this talk of war and the worry of looking for another flat was at the back of my mind as we stood beside the large entrance of this new school. Lily’s friend Janey was with us as her mother had been unable to come with her. Janey had started primary school on the same day as Lily and they had been great friends since those early days. She lived in Dallfield Walk and came from a large family. In fact, another baby had just been bor
n which was the reason she was with us.
Janey had chattered on as we walked to the school. ‘The baby is to be called Kenneth. It’s after my uncle Kenneth and he’s in the army fighting the Nazis,’ she informed us with a great deal of relish.
It was a well-known fact that Janey’s father hadn’t been passed fit for the army because he had a deformed foot. But Connie had said years ago that they were a very happy family and he managed to provide for his large brood, giving them a decent lifestyle from his rag-and-bone round. He was a familiar figure on the streets with his pony and cart, collecting old rags or scrap – in fact, anything that could be turned into money.
Janey and Lily looked with apprehensive eyes at their new school.
Janey said, ‘I didn’t think it would be as big as this, did you, Lily?’
Lily merely shook her head and looked at me. For a brief moment, I almost whisked them away back to the warm, familiar surroundings of their old school. Yet I realised I couldn’t protect Lily or Janey from the world forever.
We walked towards the gate. By now, groups of pupils were streaming through the entrance and into the very large playground.
I said, ‘Come on – you’ll be fine when you get used to the size of the place. Anyway, most of your class are here so you’ll not be on your own.’
Janey almost wailed, ‘But we’re no’ in the same class, Ann. I’m going into domestic science and Lily is going into French/ Commercial. We’ll be in different classes, won’t we Lily?’
Once again Lily nodded unhappily.
Faced with two unhappy twelve year olds who looked as if they were about to bolt into the blue yonder, I realised I had to make some sort of stand here. I said firmly, ‘You’ll still have one another at playtime and you’ll be arriving and leaving together so you’re not on your own, except for the short time during the lessons.’
This seemed to calm them down and I gently ushered them through the gates. They both turned before they reached the playground and the miserable look on their faces made me want to cry out loud. Instead I waved cheerfully and they turned hand in hand into a new episode in their lives.
The Sun Will Shine Tomorrow Page 12
