by Susan Ward
Rene said it was just one of those things girls do after a painful breakup, but I don’t know. I think I just wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with someone other than Alan. It was weird. Not bad, just weird.
Rene had a readymade answer for that during my morning after of indifference over the entire experience: That’s the curse of having your first time be with a guy who cared about you, Chrissie. Once you’ve gone to bed with a guy who cares, it pretty much ruins every other type of sex.
Cared: past tense. Rene didn’t mean it that way, but it still hurt. I don’t like to admit it, but even after seven months I’m still emotionally, if not physically, involved with Alan. After the one night stand I called it quits on guys. I’m just not there yet, in the past tense emotionally with Alan, ready to start something with someone new, and since Berkeley I haven’t even tried the guy thing. Shit, I hardly go out.
I shake my head. It makes it so much stranger and confusing that I just went off with Neil today. I wonder why I did that. We didn’t exactly end as friends after our one night in Santa Barbara last spring and he’s definitely not my type. Still, I did have fun with him today, even though we traded verbal insults most of the time. He’s really cute.
I toss the TV remote away, climb from the bed, and begin to undress for the night.
Maybe I went to coffee with Neil because he isn’t my type and I’m not emotionally done with Alan, even if Alan is emotionally done with me. I knew when I left New York we were over. Still, I wasn’t prepared to open a newspaper in August to learn that Alan had married Nia. Nope, I didn’t expected that one or that our ending would be such a clean ending. Seven months. Not one call from Alan. No letter. Not even a token gift sent. Just over.
I rummage through my drawers and lift out Alan’s t-shirt, the one I took the last day we were together. For some reason, I want to wear it tonight. I pull it over my head, shut off the TV, and climb into bed.
So much has changed and it’s only been half a year since spring break. Neil Stanton became a janitor. Alan Manzone married Nia. Rene studies more nights than she parties. And I’m lost and alone at Berkeley.
It seems life pushes us all onto roads we never expect.
CHAPTER TWO
I collapse back onto my bed. It’s finally Friday. I’ve made it through another week here. God, how pathetic is that? I make a mental note of each week of class I’ve survived at Cal.
I roll over and check the clock on my nightstand. Where’s Rene? It’s after five p.m., her classes ended at one today, and she’s always here at the condo when I get home from my theater class. I go to the kitchen to see if she left a note. Nothing.
I grab the wine from the fridge. I stare at the bottle, then roll my eyes. Rene and her little fancy frou-frou ways. She thinks drinking only white wine makes her look more sophisticated. We drink one day a week because her biology program is really intense, for all that I give her crap over her turbo-focused, nonstop studying. We only drink on Fridays, and she calls it California Chardonnay Friday. She can be so pretentious at times.
Well, I guess I’m going to have Chardonnay Friday alone tonight. I pour myself a glass and go into the living room, settling on the couch. I grab the TV remote and start clicking through channels. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I stop. An entertainment news magazine show. That’ll work.
I reach for my wine and the phone rings. Good. Maybe it’s Rene. She can tell me what’s up with the disappearing act, and why she ditched me on a Friday night.
“Hello,” I say into the receiver.
“How’s everything going with you, Chrissie?”
Jack. I smile. “Great, Daddy. Just finished my midterms and I’m just chilling out tonight.”
“Well, see that you don’t have too much fun. You still have a lot of school left before the end of the semester. Pace yourself.”
I roll my eyes. Jack definitely worries a lot more about me since New York than he did before Alan.
I take a sip from my glass of wine. “I won’t have too much fun. I told you I’m staying in tonight. What are you up to?”
“Doing a little work. I’m driving up next weekend. I have a thing in the city. I thought I’d stop by and see my girl. How does that sound to you?”
“Sounds great,” I say.
“I’ll cook dinner for you, unless you want to go out.”
Out with Jack. It’s always such a hassle going out with Jack. It’s not his fault. He doesn’t do anything. It pisses me off, and that makes me angry because it’s not his fault.
“You could make enchiladas and show me how,” I say. “I miss Maria’s cooking.”
“Then I’ll make enchiladas and show you how.” I can hear the smile in his voice.
“Good then, it’s settled,” I say.
“I’ll have Maria call you with a shopping list and, this time, no substitutions. If you can’t find it, ask.”
I roll my eyes and make a face at the phone.
“I’ve got to run, Chrissie. But I’m looking forward to seeing you next Saturday. It’s a one hour flight. You could come home once in a while.”
“I’m just trying to get settled into a routine here. I’ll be home all winter break.”
“Really? I expected you to have something going on over the break.”
“Nope. I’m spending it in Santa Barbara.”
A pause. There’s going to be a click soon.
Quickly, I say, “Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
Another pause. Short. “I love you too, baby girl.”
I stare at the receiver for a long time before I hang it up. I wasn’t the only one who came back from New York different. Jack came back different too.
I go to the kitchen for more wine. The phone rings again. Jeez, it’s like Grand Central Station tonight. I never get two calls in the same night. It’s probably just Rene, calling to tell me why she blew me off tonight.
I race to the couch, climbing over the back. I reach for the cordless phone and sink down on the seat.
“Hello,” I say into the receiver, trying to wipe the wine I spilled off of the seat cushion.
“Hey, Chrissie. What you doing tonight?” The voice is overly animated, overly chirrupy.
I frown. The voice is familiar, but I don’t know who the girl is.
“Just watching TV,” I answer carefully. “What’s up with you?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. We were going to have coffee today, but things got crazy and I forgot.”
Oh, yeah. Teri from Lambert’s class. I’d forgotten I’d given her my phone number.
“It’s OK,” I say, and it really is OK. I don’t know if I want her to be the first friend I make at Berkeley. She’s sweet, but there’s something about her that is a little pushy and irritating. “You got plans for tonight?”
“That’s why I’m calling.”
She sounds excited.
“Yeah. What you got going on?” I ask.
I take a sip of my wine.
“We’re all going into the city to this club we know, down on the waterfront. Live music. Hot guys. You should come with us. Like, everyone is going to be at The Palms tonight.”
“Sounds fun,” I say, noncommittal. “What time are you guys heading out?”
“We’re all meeting in my dorm room at Sterns Hall around nine,” she says. “It’s a lot of fun. Come, Chrissie.”
“I don’t know. I’m waiting for my roommate. We’re supposed to do something, but if I can come, I’ll meet you at Sterns around nine.”
“Cool. See you at nine.”
I click off the phone and toss it on the coffee table. I have no intention of going out tonight with my new, wannabe friend. The city. Teri. A club. Sounds too much all at once to cope with.
I slouch down, staring at the TV. Three hours later, I’m still on the couch, flicking through channels for about the twentieth time this evening. Rene is not home yet, and I’m starting to get pissed
at her. She could have called. She can be so thoughtless sometimes.
I turn up the volume on the set. MTV. A music video. I love REM. I’m feeling uncomfortable from sitting so long. I lie on my side, stretching out of the couch. Maybe I’ll just go to sleep. My lids start to droop.
The video on TV changes, and so does the volume level. It amplifies all on its own. There is a voice in the room. Low. Raspy. Just enough raspy that it brings my senses alive. Alan. I jerk up, pushing the hair from my face. Fuck, that’s all I need tonight. How do you get over a guy when he’s everywhere? I can’t make it through a single day without seeing his face, hearing his voice somewhere.
I fight not to focus on the video and find myself doing exactly that. Why does he have to look so good? He’s singing a new song. He must be recording again. I haven’t heard it before. I hate it. It sounds angry. It’s angry, mean Alan. God, even angry, mean Alan is beautiful.
I take a large swallow of my wine. Why can’t I just forget Alan? I recall his burning, black stare and the intensity in the air just from being in a room with him. The way he looks in the morning, drowsy from sleep. The expression in his eyes after we have sex. How it feels to have those callused fingers brushing my skin with velvet care. The taste of him. The touch of him. The smell…
Crap. I grab the remote and click off the TV. Everything inside me is suddenly running loose and frantic. I go from nearly emotionally-together to splintered with just one look at Alan.
I climb from the couch and wander into the kitchen. Dammit, Rene, why did you have to disappear on me tonight?
I check the clock. It’s only eight-thirty. What am I going to do for the rest of the night? I’m wide awake, and more than a little internally messy.
Maybe I should just go to the city with my new friend Teri.
I start to compile a list of things to do that would be smarter than going clubbing with Teri. I go to my bedroom and open my closet. I start rummaging through my clothes. I don’t know what to wear to a club in San Francisco. Two months and I haven’t been to the city. Even Rene hasn’t done the SF club scene.
I pull on a pair of jeans. I grab a black, silk shirt with a halter tie and my sneakers. I plop down on my bed to put on my Chucks. I go to the bathroom and do my hair and makeup in record time. I tuck my license, my fake ID, the keys, a credit card, and some cash into my pocket. On my way to the front door, I debate whether or not to leave Rene a note.
Nope, forget her. She ditched me again.
~~~
I lean against the concrete wall outside the club, my hands shoved deep into my denim jacket. God, why is it always so cold in San Francisco at night regardless of the time of year? I stare at the line of bodies in front of me. The line waiting to get into the club is really long. We’ll never get in.
“I’m glad you decided to come, Chrissie,” Teri says. She shakes her head. She does an angry exhale of breath. “I don’t know what happened to the rest of my friends. I so didn’t want to stay in the dorms tonight. I’m really glad you decided to do this.”
I smile at Teri. “Me too.”
It’s the truth, I’m sort of glad I decided to join her. When I got to her dorm room at Sterns Hall, Teri was the only one there. It made me feel a little sad for her and happy I decided to go out tonight. Even though going out was all about Alan and not wanting to be alone thinking of him, and not at all about her.
I stare at the line. This looks like it’s going to be a bust tonight. We haven’t moved in half an hour, and the upstairs bar is packed. Still, it’s better than sitting home alone.
I bounce against the wall. Finally. We get to move an inch.
“Where are you from?” Teri asks.
“Santa Barbara.”
Her eyes round, excited. “I’m from Ojai. We’re practically neighbors. Maybe when we drive home we can share rides.”
I smile. “Maybe.”
Jeez, I hope the entire night isn’t going to be boring small talk like this. No wonder her friends ditched her.
“Chrissie!”
I push off the wall and look down the street to see where my name is being called from. My eyes widen in surprise. Neil. I never expected to see him here and…crap…I never expected to see him looking so hot. He’s just wearing jeans, flip-flops and a black t-shirt, but I don’t know what it is; there’s something different in how he looks tonight.
I’m unsure what he wants me to do, so I wave.
Neil shakes his head, as if exasperated, and waves me to come to him. When I don’t immediately move out of line, his look of exasperation intensifies.
I tap Teri on the arm. “Come on.”
“What?”
“There’s a friend of mine at the front of the line. I think he’s going to help us crash the club.”
“Really?” she says, ridiculously excited and hopeful. “God, usually I wait in this line until after midnight. It’s always so crowded here. Do you want me to wait here in case he can’t get us in? I’d hate to lose our place in line.”
“Come on,” I say. “If he can’t get us in, we’ll go someplace else.”
Teri gives me a slightly extreme look. “I don’t want to go someplace else. There is a band performing here tonight I really want to see. And everyone is here.”
I refrain from visibly rolling my eyes. “Then we’ll get back in line if he can’t help us.” I tap the girl in line in front of me and ask if she’ll hold our place.
I step out of line with Teri reluctantly following me. We’re almost to Neil when Teri grabs my arm, stopping me. I turn to look at her.
“You know the super-hot janitor?” she asks, amazed and definitely too loudly. “He never talks to anyone. How do you know him?”
I stare. This is definitely intense and definitely weird. “His name is Neil Stanton. He’s from my hometown.”
Neil stomps out his cigarette. I can tell by his expression he heard Teri’s booming super-hot janitor comment. He looks as if he wishes he hadn’t called me out of line.
He stares down at me. “What are you doing waiting in line? Did you leave your pretty-girl magic at home?”
I give him a face, tilting my head. “Ha. Ha. Ha. Hello to you too, Neil.” I nod toward Teri. “This is my girlfriend, Teri. Teri, this is Neil.”
Teri blushes. She gives him a dewy-eyed look. Oh my… the girl looks overwhelmed and it’s just Neil Stanton.
“Hello, Neil,” she gushes.
Neil does a slight nod her direction with his chin. I frown at him. Jeez, that was rude.
“What are you doing down here?” I ask.
Neil shrugs. “Just hanging out. I’m going to play a few songs next set with the band. Keeps my edge up.”
My eyes round. So he’s still working on his music. I don’t know why, but that surprises me. I kind of thought it was bullshit, the way he talked about why he’s living in Berkeley now. I guess I was wrong.
“Well, maybe I’ll get to hear you if I can get inside tonight,” I tease.
He doesn’t take the hint. He looks like he’s debating with himself about something. I stare at him.
Neil lets loose a sigh. “Come on. I’ve got to get back inside anyway.” He crosses the sidewalk towards the entrance. He nods toward the bouncer. “Hey Vince, this is Chrissie. She’s with me.”
It doesn’t escape my notice that he doesn’t mention Teri to the bouncer. What’s up with that? We get our hands stamped and are waved through without paying cover, or even having our fake IDs checked.
I follow behind Neil on the stairs to the upstairs bar.
“Got a little pull here, huh?” I ask.
He stops, turns, and looks at me. “I play here sometimes. That’s all.”
Upstairs is a packed, smoky cave of brick and glass, high ceiling with open beams, and wall to wall college students. The crowd is so thick, I can’t even see the band, but I can hear them. They’re a thundering loud rock band.
“So what now?” Teri shouts over the noise.
I shrug. “I guess we find someplace to sit.”
“The band has a table up by the stage,” Neil says. “You can hang out there if you want, Chrissie.”
I look at Teri. Her expression says she’s more than eager to accept Neil’s offer. We follow behind him as he cuts his way through the bar. She tugs on my jacket.
“Are you dating him?” she whispers.
My eyes widen. “Neil? No. I just know him from home.”
“He’s really cute. Do you… I mean, would it be OK…what I want to know is, if he tries to hit on me are you cool with that? Can I give him my number? You won’t be pissed, right?”
She can hardly string a sentence together and is more rambling than usual. Over Neil!
“Sure. No problem,” I repeat, but for some reason this entire exchange is irritating as hell. “We’re just friends.”
Teri’s eyes are sparkly, really excited. “Good. He’s freaking hot.”
I turn back around and Neil is nowhere to be seen. Crap, I’ve lost him in the crowd. I start to cut my way through the bodies toward the stage. At the edge of the dance floor, I search the room. I find him standing beside a table.
I skirt along the edge of the dance floor until I reach him. I lean close in to say into his ear, “Thanks a lot for just leaving me back there.”
I make a face at him.
He ignores it. Abruptly, he says, “I’ve got to cut out.”
I watch Neil walk away, wondering what’s up with him. He’s more weird than usual tonight. I pull off my jacket and hang it on the back of the chair.
I’m surprised when a waitress descends on our table after a short wait. “Hi sweeties, what will you have?” she asks.
Teri looks at me eagerly. “What do you think, Chrissie? Pitcher of beer or margaritas?”
“I’ll have a sparkling water with lime,” I say, fishing for my cash from my back pocket.
The waitress waves me off. “Neil sent me over. The drinks are on him.”
Teri’s smile shifts in a flash to beaming. I guess she thinks this generosity means it’s going to go well for her tonight with Neil.
I shove my money back into my pocket. It was nice of Neil to send a waitress to our table and offer to pick up the tab.
