by Susan Ward
“Not nearly,” he breathes.
“I want you there. Very much.”
I sniff back the drips from my nose that came with my tears, covering the mouthpiece so he can’t hear. “Why are you going through so much hassle to be with me for two days, Alan?”
“I told you. Missing you. Thinking of you. Nasty thoughts.”
He says it succinctly like he’s reading a grocery list and I smile.
“And I lied,” he says, low and raspy. “There are no nice thoughts. They’re pretty much always nasty these days.”
“Me, too.”
“I’m sorry I can’t be with you for Christmas. With the travel time and the short hops, it’s not possible.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s OK.”
“I would be there if I could, Chrissie.”
“I know.” I take a moment to reign in my emotions and then I say, “I’m going home for Christmas, so you’d be pretty much out of luck if you were here.”
Alan laughs. “I would even eat Mexican food on the patio with Jack if it got me back to you.” Silence, and I can hear his breaths followed by a long exhale. “I’m tired of the road, baby. I’m tired of missing you.”
Everything starts to run loose and frantic through me. I need to hang up the phone quickly. I don’t want to get upset with Alan since it makes the long hours between the calls miserable for me.
“I’ve got to run, Alan.”
“Are you OK, Chrissie?”
I hold the tips of my fingers to my nose, pressing in, almost until it hurts, to keep the emotion from surfacing.
“I’m more than OK. I can’t wait for January. I want you here. Now.”
I click off the phone before he can answer me. As anxiously as I wait for each call from Alan, sometimes hearing his voice is too hard for me.
~~~
Neil comes into the bedroom three hours later, and flips on the lights.
I look up. “You guys done playing with each other?”
He gives me a revolted, pained expression. “Very funny. A disgusting thought, playing with Rene, but funny.”
I smile and he sinks down on the floor beside me.
“So why are you sitting here in the dark alone?” Neil asks.
“Just thinking.”
He brushes the hair back from my face and says, “You thinking in the dark. That’s never good. What’s wrong, Chrissie?”
I take a moment to collect my thoughts and try to figure out the best way to do this.
“You’re back on the road again next week for another four months. Aren’t you?” I ask.
His gaze fixes on my face and there’s just enough hint of alarm in his eyes that I tense. I wonder what slipped into my voice just then.
His eyes are now searching my face, more alert and less smiling. “Yes. I told you that already. Four months this time. Ernie has actually booked some pretty good venues.”
I can’t bear to look at him so I stare off into a vacant space in the room.
“I think we should give us a rest for a while. Take some time off. I graduate in a few months. I’m leaving Berkeley. You live in Seattle when you’re not on the road. I thought we might want to take a break.”
Silence, and it pushes in on me until I look at him. Then, Neil’s posture changes from loose limbs into a tense, alarmed sort of arrangement.
“A break?” Neil says. “I thought after graduation, you might go on the road with me for a while. We can spend more time together. Make this better for you. I know it hasn’t been everything you want it to be, but I thought with you out of school, we could try to make it work better for the both of us.”
“I don’t think that would be good for either of us.”
“Fuck, Chrissie. What are you saying?”
I don’t answer him.
“Are you saying we’re over? You want to end us?”
That’s the door I’ve been fumbling to get to and for some reason the fact that Neil said it makes it something I’m afraid to walk through. I stare at my hands and say nothing. Crap, what’s wrong with me? We’re here, finally in a moment together where we can let go of each other, and I can’t will myself to be the one to bring us through it.
I run a hand through my hair. “We’re practically never together. You must have something else going on. Have you ever…” The look in his eyes trap the words in my throat.
Neil stares. “Have I what?”
“It’s not like we’re a couple or anything. Fulltime. Exclusive,” I say.
Those warm green eyes grow opaque in a way I’ve never seen before.
“You’re out on the road a lot of the time,” I continue. “You’re a hot guy. There must girls all over you. You must be sleeping with someone else.”
In a flash, he turns into angry Neil. I’ve never seen him get angry this fast.
“You think I’m screwing around on the road? Is that what this is about? Fuck, Chrissie. I love you. Why don’t you get that?”
“I just want to know, Neil,” I somehow manage to whisper, “It doesn’t have anything to do with anything. Not my decision, anyway. I’ve always sort of wondered so I’m asking. We’ve always had an agreement. When we’re not together, we’re not together. Whatever you’ve done. It doesn’t matter. I’ve never asked. I want to know. And I won’t get pissed.”
“Well, you’ve fucking pissed me off, Chrissie.”
“Most musicians would be happy if their girlfriend said it was OK to do what they want when they’re on the road,” I murmur, trying to get this to cool down.
It doesn’t work. His face swivels toward me. His eyes are cutting as they lock on me. “So, is that what you are? My girlfriend? You’ve finally figured out you’re my fucking girlfriend?”
He stands up.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I ask.
He stops beside the bed. He stares down at me. “We have been together for three years, Chrissie. What the fuck do you think we’re doing here? I haven’t been with anyone else. I know you haven’t been with anyone else. That makes us pretty fucking exclusive, everywhere in the world except in your head.”
My entire body is covered in a burn by the time he’s finished. I stare up at him. “You haven’t been with anyone else?” I whisper.
God, I wish he’d stop looking at me that way.
“No.” He says it firmly. Emotionally. His eyes round, heavy with meaning. A long pause where he does nothing but stare at me. A ragged breath leaves his chest. Then, “I don’t want to be with anyone but you.”
The look on his face rends my heart.
“I’m sorry, Neil. I just think we should take a break.”
~~~
What a miserable night. I stare at my ceiling wondering how I am going to make it through the morning.
The long hours awake in my bed felt just like they did Neil’s first night at the condo, with him on the couch and me in here. Uncomfortable and weird. It shouldn’t make me feel so internally messy, it’s the right thing for us both, but knowing he’s out there, no longer a part of my life, is a wretched thing anyway.
I climb from the bed and pad to the door. Opening it a crack, I peek out into the living. I can hear Neil breathing from the couch. He’s still asleep. It would have been better if he’d packed up and left early. It doesn’t matter. A few more hours we’ll both be out of here; Neil back to Seattle, and me, a few weeks in Santa Barbara and then Alan again.
I push Alan from my mind. Making it through the next few hours with Neil is enough for one day.
I quietly make my way to the kitchen. Rene is sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal.
“What happened last night?” she exclaims, her eyes fixed in a probing stare. They move with me as I grab a bowl before settling in the chair across from her. She sits back. “You and Neil have a fight?”
I fill my bowl. “Not really a fight. Not much of one.”
Rene studies me then frowns. “I heard you arguing, but it sounded like it ended quickly.
I thought it was all good. Then this morning I find Neil sleeping in the living room. It’s weird.”
She waits for me to explain and I don’t look at her. Last night was definitely weird. Neil didn’t stay angry very long. He just sort of slipped back into sweet Neil, and the rest of the night wasn’t terrible. That’s another strange thing I’m struggling with this morning. It hurt how easily Neil was him again. I don’t feel even close to normal today.
“What’s going on, Chrissie?”
“Rene, I don’t want to talk about it. Not now. Can’t we just wait? We’ll talk about it in the car on the way to Santa Barbara, OK?”
Rene’s eyes widen, and I move from the table to grab a cup of coffee. My hands are shaking as I try to add the creamer.
“Did you guys break up?” she asks.
I whirl from the counter and glare at her. “What part of I don’t want to talk about this do you not get?”
I slam down the creamer and hurry back to my bedroom. I should have just stayed in here. I sink on my bed and stare at the closed door. An hour later I hear Neil moving around. I can tell it’s him—slower, easy ambling steps, more quiet than Rene’s rapid motion thumping.
I sit in my room, listening to the movements beyond the door. I can hear Rene talking with Neil, but their voices are too soft for me to make out their words. Thirty minutes later the slam of Rene’s bedroom door.
Cautiously, I go back into the living room. Neil is already dressed, sitting on the floor, sorting things as he occasionally shoves something into the pack he takes everywhere.
I curl on the couch and watch him.
“You doing OK, Chrissie?”
He doesn’t look at me.
“I’m OK. How are you?”
He shrugs, but his jaw tightens. “I’m almost packed up. Is it OK if I don’t take everything today? When I’m off the road end of April, I’ll come back, pack up the rest and send it to Santa Barbara.” He looks at me then. “If that’s OK with you, Chrissie.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Sure, Neil. It’s fine.”
He stares at me. “Hey, Chrissie, don’t forget we’re friends. You need anything, you call and I’ll be here. OK?”
I look away and I can tell by his voice it isn’t bullshit and he means it. God, why does Neil have to be such a great guy, in all moments, even this?
After I sit here for what feels like forever saying nothing, because I really don’t know what to say after that, he springs to his feet and starts stacking things atop a box. Once his pack is set there, he picks it up.
I stand up and cross the room to him.
“I’ll call when I get back to Seattle if that’s cool with you,” he says.
Tears sting behind my lids. “You can call anytime you want, Neil. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”
I stay standing close to him, expecting him to kiss me on the cheek or something, but neither of us move. Then he walks to the door.
I follow him with my gaze, frozen. Everything is less certain and more hard.
Neil looks at me and laughs. “Are you going to get the door for me, Chrissie?”
I sink my teeth into my lower lip to hold back the tears. “Sorry, that was stupid of me. Wasn’t it?”
I cross the room and open the door for him.
“See ya, Chrissie.”
“See ya, Neil.”
I stare into the hallway as Neil lugs his things toward the elevator. Ending it was right for the both of us and yet it still feels like I’ve done a really crummy thing.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I sit on the top step of the stairs built into the cliffs and stare at the ocean.
Even with the sea breeze, I am warm and uncomfortable today. Crap, it’s January. Why is it seventy-four degrees? Why is it always seventy-four degrees? Nothing ever changes in Santa Barbara. Life plods along in a slow pace, familiar, and even the good and bad are always the same.
Is that why Jack loves it here? Jeez, there are times it drives me crazy. How everything is always constant and never new and unexpected. The city, the people. Fuck, even the weather. Unchanging, always the same, like me.
Nearly four years at Cal and I’m exactly where I always end up; emotionally messy Chrissie alone on the cliffs, not even close to figuring out me. Ending it with Neil didn’t change a thing. I don’t feel any better inside, just different, and I still don’t know where I’m going to be in the spring after Berkeley.
This Christmas was definitely far from a Hallmark moment. Sure, I got my roses, but no call from Alan. I didn’t expect one since I was stupid enough to leave my mobile phone in Berkeley. And I definitely didn’t expect that Rene wouldn’t call because she’s pissed at me for dumping Neil. She hopped a plane to Bermuda with Patty without even giving me a ring. Neil called, though. It was awful, really strained at first, and then it started to gel and smooth. We hung up in a good place.
I stare at the water, shaking my head. I’ve had a miserable winter break, it felt melancholy not to be with Neil this year, and to top it off, there was last night, the night Jack didn’t come home for the first time in my life.
God that was awful in every way. Me sitting with Maria this morning, the two of us having a normal breakfast, and seeing her turn red and get all flustered when I asked where my dad went. Then, the rapid stream of English and Spanish, always instantly nerve jolting because it only happens when she’s in a panic about something she doesn’t want to discuss with me, the words too fast to translate clearly.
Jeez, I must have sat there ten minutes staring at her trying to figure out that one, until I picked out enough words to get lady friend and long term thing. At least I think that’s what she said, and I’m definitely going to leave it at that—coming face to face with the reality that Jack does go out to get laid. It’s not like I didn’t think so, but it’s unsettling to have it pushed in your face over a bowl of Cheerios. It hurts that Jack has had a long term thing and never mentioned it me.
Why would Jack not tell me this? What is it about me that the people in my life can’t always be direct with me, not even my own father? And why am I never direct with them?
The sound of a door closing makes me turn and I spot Jack crossing the lawn toward me. Jack is smiling, his blue eyes twinkling, and he looks exactly the same as he always does with me, but for some reason my stomach knots.
Jack sinks down beside me on the step and sets a Diet Coke next to me. Sodas on the cliffs. Not good, Chrissie, not good. He wants to talk to me.
I force a smile to my face.
“What you doing out here, sitting all alone, baby girl?”
“Just thinking.”
Jack smiles, but I suddenly feel extremely awkward. It’s obvious we both know he wasn’t here last night. Is it weirder to ask or weirder not to?
I say, “I take off tomorrow.”
Jack pops open his can, frowning. “You do? I thought you were staying until the semester starts. That’s another week.”
“Nope. Heading out of here.”
“Going to Seattle?”
“Nope.”
Jack’s brow crinkles quizzically. “Was kind of a quiet Christmas this year, wasn’t it?” he asks.
“It was fine for me.”
Jack stares at the ocean. “Feels strange not having Neil here.”
I look at him trying to figure out where he’s going with this since I really don’t want to have a heart to heart with my dad about Neil.
“Neil’s always on the road. Nonstop. He’s practically never here during the holidays.”
Jack laughs. “He’s always here. If he’s not somewhere in this house with you, you’re on the phone with him. Just sort of noticed that the phone didn’t ring very much the last couple of weeks. What’s going on?”
I shrug and I don’t say anything.
“I kind of like Neil.” Jacks says after a moment of my silence. “He doesn’t seem like a dump and run kind of guy. He seems pretty hung up over you. You’ve been k
ind off since you got here. Preoccupied and quiet. Is it because you broke up with Neil?”
Oh fuck. Direct hit. Vulnerable spot in under five minutes. Maybe I should ask Jack how his fuck went? That would change this up a bit from our normal, completely not normal, father-daughter chats.
I lift my gaze to find Jack studying me and Neil was right. There are times when Jack stares at you it is unnerving and my cheeks have the bad manners to color profusely.
“We’re just taking a break. It’s no big deal, Daddy.”
Jack shakes his head in that I’m not buying it way he has when he’s trying to figure out something that’s worrying him about me.
“Are you pregnant?”
He says it so quietly I almost miss it and then everything shoots through my body at once. I can’t feel my arms, I can’t feel my legs, and I can’t believe Jack just asked me that.
“How could you ask me that, Daddy? Is that what you think?”
His blues meet mine directly. “Well. You’re upset, he’s gone. What should I think?”
“Well, you shouldn’t think that,” I exclaim, full irritation in my voice. “I broke up with him. Simple. End of story. Jesus Christ, I’m not pregnant. We’re both just trying to figure out shit. We both got our own shit to work through. School ends soon. I don’t have a fucking clue what I do then…”
I clamp my mouth shut. Why is he staring at me that way? Oh crap. Any hope this conversation would end in nothing just flew out the window.
Jack nods. “Just wanted to make sure you were OK.”
“There’s nothing wrong,” I say firmly. “I’m just quiet. I’ve got a lot on my mind. God, can’t you just cut me some slack and not overreact to every little thing?”
Jack turns until he’s facing me squarely. “I don’t feel like I’ve reacted to anything. You’re my daughter. I have a right to worry. I have a right to ask when I feel something is wrong.”
I spring to my feet. “There’s nothing wrong.”
Jack stares up to me. “Why don’t you just sit back down? I know something is going on with you, Chrissie. We can talk it through together.”
“Nothing is going on. I dumped my boyfriend. He’s on the road all the time. I graduate in the spring. It was time. It was the right thing.”
