“I don’t know.” Wrong answer. “I mean, I care about him. He’s my friend. But am I in love with him? I just don’t know.”
I fought to maintain steady eye contact with him. It was near impossible. He stared into me, and I felt like he was seeing parts of me I couldn’t even access.
A few steps brought Arys painfully close to me. “If you were in love with him, you’d know. So either you’re deluding yourself from your true feelings, or you’re using him. It makes sense. He shares your weakness, your pain. It unites you. And, for a few minutes, that brings you peace.”
White noise roared in my ears. Images flashed through my mind of Kale’s agony and his need when he took me outside The Kiss. I’d shared it, every emotion. Together we had sought escape. Maybe Arys was right.
I sat down hard on the couch, spilling my coffee again. I stared at the splash of creamy brown liquid on the back of my hand, wondering when everything had gotten so complicated.
“It won’t happen again.” It couldn’t. Kale was in love with me, and whatever it was that I felt for him, it could never be what he needed.
With an exasperated sigh, Arys picked up a photo from the mantel and put it back down. He was restless. The photo was of me. Shaz had taken it the summer before, when I wasn’t looking. It was a profile shot with the sun setting in the background. It had been taken at Kylarai’s.
“It will.” Arys sat on the opposite end of the couch. He didn’t glance my way. “I understand what you’re going through, Alexa, the bloodlust and the power. It’s so much to handle. But, I’m not where you are. Not anymore. I can only do so much to help you. But please, give me the chance to try.”
“Arys, I do need help.” My voice cracked with emotion. I willed him to look at me. “Things are changing. I’m changing. I’ll never get through it without you. Please, don’t let me self-destruct.”
Reaching across the center cushion that separated us, he took my hand. That small gesture meant a lot. “Ah, my wolf. If only it were that easy. Self destruction is a choice one makes. I’d assumed you’d be a vampire before it got this bad. I was wrong.”
“I don’t think anything goes the way we expect it to. Not in our world.” I abandoned what was left of my coffee on the glass top table beside the couch. Caffeine wouldn’t help me now.
“Certainly not as far as you’re concerned.” He laughed dryly. The sound was hollow. “You can’t make yourself a victim to the weaknesses anymore. It’s time to take control.”
“I know.” Fighting the bloodlust and its urges was taking a toll on me. I couldn’t keep doing it. “Resisting just makes it so much worse.”
“If you weren’t so damn stubborn, you wouldn’t suffer the way you do. Feeding on life, it’s what we do. Look at the rest of the world. Everyone is feeding off each other in this big, sordid mass of broken energy and fragmented souls. What makes us any worse than the rest of them?”
He wasn’t wrong. The line between black and white had long since blurred to grey. Good and evil danced together, each unable to truly exist without the other. Humans had proven themselves to be just as evil as any of us. Still, the need to know I wasn’t like the vampires burned in me. I was surrounded by creatures that thrived on the lives of others, and I couldn’t accept that I was one of them. Not entirely.
“I feel like every night is a fight. All I want to do is give in, but I feel like letting myself is admitting defeat.” Sharing this inner truth with Arys lifted the weight of it. I didn’t want to constantly feel like I was fighting a losing battle. I just wanted to be.
“The only way to control it is to stop fighting. Otherwise, you risk driving yourself mad.” His expression was haunted.
I remembered enough of his early memories to know Arys had put up the same fight I had. That side of him ceased to exist. He was all vampire now and more than happy to be. Would I, too, one day look back at this and be glad I was rid of this part of myself? The thought was overwhelming.
“I hate Raoul.” The admission came unbidden as I sought a source to blame. “If he hadn’t attacked me, if I’d never been anything other than human …”
Arys released my hand, but he moved closer, his action demanding my attention. “You wouldn’t be here with me right now. Nor would you have anyone or anything you now hold dear to you. Don’t play the ‘what if’ game, Alexa. Life was never meant to be any way other than how it is. That’s one thing I promise will be proven in time. Living in regret is not living at all.”
“Listen to you and your centuries old wisdom.” I gave him a playful shove. “I don’t want to be like this, Arys, a slave to the power and bloodlust. I don’t want it to tear apart my sanity or my relationships with the people I love.”
“It’s a drug.” Arys nodded knowingly, reaching to touch a dreadlocked chunk of my disastrous hair. “As long as you resist the call, it will make you its slave. It’s only when you finally accept that it’s a part of you that you realize it’s really not so bad.”
Spoken like a true junkie. Arys had long since made his peace with it. I had yet to do the same.
“I’m not ready to let it become part of me yet.” My voice had dropped to a whisper. Constantly fighting the many hungers I possessed was draining. I needed to escape, if only for a while.
“It already is. It’s too late for that.” Arys turned the matted lock of blonde hair over in his hand, but his eyes were on me. “You’re stronger than you think you are. Nobody can help you – you can’t even help yourself – until you believe that.”
The urge to crawl into his lap and find comfort in his embrace was strong. I didn’t do it. I feared his rejection. Fatigue began to set in as the previous evening caught up with me. I longed for sleep, the only place where I might find a brief reprieve.
Arys’s touch was gentle when he pulled me close and pressed his lips to my temple. “Go home, Alexa. Get some rest. There’s nothing more to say right now.” When I gazed up at him, wide-eyed and fearful, he brushed a soft kiss across my lips. “I love you.”
Stepping out of the comforting darkness of Arys’s small bungalow into the bright morning sun was disorienting. It burned my eyes, and I reached for the sunglasses that should have been perched atop my head but found none. I must have left them in the car. Scatterbrained and exhausted, I avoided home and instead headed for Kylarai’s side of town.
I needed to be alone in the comfort of the forest. I needed to be wolf. Sometimes I went there and believed everything would be right with the world if I never left. This was one of those times.
Chapter Fourteen
Despite the craziness of the previous night, I woke up at sunset in the mood to kick some ass. I needed to burn off the pent-up frustration and aggression. The approach of the full moon was causing my wolf to stir restlessly. It was less than a week away, and I could feel it singing in my blood.
Avoiding Shaz was harder than I’d anticipated. I knew I had to come clean with him about Kale. I wasn’t ready yet. During a brief phone call I told him I was spending the night prowling for something ugly to kill. I needed to pay Jez a visit as well. I felt relief when he said he was going to run with Kylarai. He’d be safe with her in our small town instead of in the city where assholes like Claire and Maxwell were waiting for the right opportunity to cause more chaos.
After spending the day in the forest, a hot shower felt like heaven. I tied my hair back in a ponytail and dressed for a hunt in leggings and a black top that said, “Suck it.” I was hoping to find a vampire or other big nasty up to no good. I was eager to try out the Dragon Claw, and a good kill was just the therapy I needed.
Veryl would have been an ideal target. I contemplated it many times during the short drive from Stony to Edmonton. It didn’t feel right though. Not tonight. I wasn’t in the right head space for him. Tonight I wanted a mindless kill, something I could just have fun with. Veryl was different. With him, it was personal.
The bloodlust lurked, rising up to claw at my insides before slipping
back into the recesses of my mind. Eventually I’d have to accept that it would always be with me. Ignoring it had proven to be careless and stupid. Sating the bloodlust was going to have to wait, though. The need to kill something that could fight back was dominant.
Finding vampires had grown easier since blood bonding with Arys. If I concentrated, I could feel them like a blinking beacon in my mind. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact location of every vampire in the city, but I could get pretty close. The Wicked Kiss lit up like the Las Vegas Strip when I tuned into the energy that way. It was mentally blinding, crawling with vampires.
Did Claire know I could do that? Anyone who did would be smart enough to cloak their presence. I thought about Maxwell’s blast of power, hoping to feel it out there. Nothing. Their time was coming. Claire and Maxwell would make their next move, and Arys and I would be ready.
I parked in the seedy section of town. Typical, new vampires would come here for an easy kill. The place was littered with drug dealers, prostitutes and random homeless people. Easy pickings. When I considered what went on here, the activity at The Wicked Kiss didn’t seem quite so bad. At least there, the victims usually enjoyed it.
Striding down the street with the Dragon Claw clutched firmly in hand, I let all other thought blow away on the warm night air. Unfortunately, the dagger was far too big to safely secure it anywhere. The curved blade made it hard to fit to a sheath. I’d have to find a way to conceal it for future outings. A jacket could always help with that.
Two vampires lurked a few blocks ahead. I could sense their high-strung energy and hunger. They couldn’t be very old. Cloaking my presence, I clung to the shadows as I silently approached. They were following a prostitute.
I saw her before I saw them. She dragged on a cigarette while ambling along as if she had no real destination in mind. A car sped by, slowing long enough for the occupants to shout something derogatory at her as they passed. She gave them the finger and continued on. I tried to imagine living her life and couldn’t. Some would feel the same about my life. Funny how that worked. The grass really wasn’t always greener on the other side.
The vampires didn’t stalk her as I would have. Instead they callously leaped out at her from between two buildings as she passed. Like starving dogs, they were on her with little thought or tact. I was glad I’d decided to come out tonight.
I sprang into action, excitement thrilling through me. With a perfectly timed body check, I knocked one of them off his feet. Their victim shrieked and flailed wildly as she fought back. Everything happened so fast that it took a moment for the vampires to realize I’d crashed their party.
The one I’d knocked down was already on his feet, and I was ready for him. I swung the dagger, narrowly missing when he dodged the blow. He counter attacked, but I was ready for it and easily avoided contact. I could feel their lack of real power. All they had was inhuman strength.
Their victim was momentarily forgotten as they made the unspoken decision to tag team me. She’d already been bitten, but she was conscious and able to run as fast as her stiletto heels would carry her. My attention was on the vampire closest to me. He was circling me, trying to get me moving so my back would become unprotected at some point. I trapped his buddy in a circle, smirking at his sudden outrage.
“It’s you. Goddamn werewolf bitch.” My target snarled at me as I advanced on him. A newbie who’d heard of me? Interesting.
“Am I ruining your evening?” I smiled, revealing wolf fangs. “I get bored sometimes. This should give me a minute or two of excitement.”
He looked uncertain, his gaze darting from the dagger in my hand to his buddy trapped in my circle. I could see it in his eyes. He was thinking about running. What a damn coward. Every step I took toward him had him dancing backward like a boxer. He had no way out of this, and he knew it. I quickly grew frustrated and without a second thought, flung the dagger so it spun end over end as it sliced through the air.
It struck him in the chest. Pity. I’d been aiming for his neck. The blade plunged through his flesh, and no sooner had blood burst forth than he dropped into a pile of dust. The Dragon Claw clattered to the asphalt with a sharp, metallic sound. I quickly retrieved it before dropping the circle that held the other vampire.
“Look, I don’t want to tangle with you. Ok?” His hands were held up in surrender as he backed away slowly.
“Are you kidding me?” I stood in the middle of the quiet street, watching him flee. Disappointment filled me.
I was more than satisfied with the dagger. It did exactly what Lilah had promised. However, this was a failed attempt at working off some aggression and angst. Newborn vampires didn’t have what I wanted. My thoughts strayed to Shya. Working for him could be incredibly dangerous and maybe even stupid. But, it might be just what I needed.
I quickly lost interest in the lesser vampires creeping the night. The dagger test was a success. It had killed that vamp without piercing the heart. Uncanny. It would taste Veryl’s blood soon. I was eager for it.
After storing the dagger safely in the trunk of my car, I headed for a late night grocery store to buy a few things for Jez. She was a huge fan of chocolate, making it easy to find something she’d like. As an afterthought I grabbed a tub of cookie dough ice cream. It couldn’t hurt.
She was alone when I arrived at her swanky apartment on the south side of town. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen Jez look so rough. She was beyond pale. Her skin was so white it appeared translucent. It caused her green eyes to stand out in startling contrast. Clad in soft flannel pajamas with hearts on them, she didn’t look anything like the bad-ass cat I was used to seeing.
“Go ahead and say it.” With a roll of her eyes, she took the bag of fattening food from me, going for the ice cream right away. “Yes, I do feel as bad as I look.”
I followed her through the small but impressive kitchen where she paused to grab two spoons before continuing to the living room beyond. For an apartment, the ceiling was especially high. The furniture was simple black leather, all of it matching. The sound of vehicles on the street below drifted in through the open balcony door. I took a seat beside her on the couch and glanced at the television. She was watching Jeopardy.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, Jez. I should have been able to. I tried, but I just couldn’t focus.” I accepted the spoon she held out to me. Drowning my recent worries in ice cream really paled in comparison to the booze and blood I’d rather be drowning them in.
“It’s ok, Lex. I’m fine. And, Kale is the one that tried to kill me. Don’t you go feeling all guilty about someone else’s mistake.” Jez shoveled a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth and sighed. “Thanks. I totally needed this.”
Jez needed a sugary treat, and I would have gladly traded it for warm, lively blood. I frowned as I turned that thought over in my mind. It made me feel like a monster. The irony was that she was the one who had never been human.
“Have you heard from him?” I hid a wince when I asked. I could only imagine what Jez was feeling toward Kale right now.
“He’s called. I’ve ignored those calls. I have nothing to say to him right now.” Crossing her legs and settling back into the corner of the couch, she met my gaze. “I just can’t believe he tried to kill me. Kale. Of all people. I get it: the guy has issues. But really? I would have expected it from you first. No offense.”
I took a bite of ice cream, finding that my stomach instantly rejected the sweet substance. “None taken. How did it happen?”
“I walked into the office, and he was there. I knew he was a mess just from the looks of him. It all happened pretty fast.” Emotion swam behind her eyes. She must have relived it so many times already. “How many people did he hurt after that? Do you know?”
I nodded, suddenly finding it hard to maintain eye contact. “A few. It was bad. I tracked him down at The Wicked Kiss. We had a bit of a confrontation. I haven’t seen or heard from him since.”
Jez’s spoon stopped halfway
to the ice cream container. Staring at Jeopardy as if it was suddenly the most fascinating thing I’d ever seen did nothing to help me escape the moment. She might have been recovering from her dance with death, but the leopard was as sharp as ever.
“Alexa? Did you do something?” She studied me hard, and I shrank back until my back was pressed against the opposite side of the sofa. “You finally fucking did it. You screwed Kale. And, after what he did to me?”
“It wasn’t like that, Jez. I didn’t go after him with that kind of intention. You know that. Things got carried away. There was a confrontation. He hurt me. I hurt him. Something changed, and the next thing I knew …” It was hard to say it out loud. She gestured for me to spit it out. “The next thing I knew he had me up against the side of the building in the rain.”
“I can’t believe you fucked the guy after he tried to kill me. You’re lucky I love you so much, or I’d claw your damn eyes out.” She shook her head and mustered a glare. “Well, go on. You have to tell me about it.”
“What? Oh no. That’s not necessary. Besides, there’s nothing to tell.”
“Yes, there damn well is. Start talking. If you can do it, you can tell me about it.”
I found some relief in the fact that nobody in my life would ask for details except Jez. However, I wasn’t sure I was ready to relive the encounter with Kale. I’d done my best to shove it from my thoughts.
“It was sudden and out of control. We were idiots to let it happen. I can barely think about it.” I met her scrutinizing feline stare and felt like a mouse. With a sigh, I gave in and recounted the events of that night, omitting the really candid details that nobody but Kale and I needed to know.
When I finished, she wore a strange smile. “I knew it would happen. Gotta say, I think it’s only going to make you both crazier than you already are.”
Trina M. Lee Page 97
