Victor turned and strode into the house, leaving Matías with a string of latitude and longitude. A key. He’d just been given what he needed to turn this whole thing over to the DEA—and leave. Be free.
chapter Fifteen
“I can’t feel my hands.” Raven shook out her fingers and palms, now free of the cuffs. She could still feel the leather, as though it still bound her wrists.
“Well, you were yanking on them pretty hard. Give them to me.” Kyle took Raven’s hands in hers and rubbed them between her palms, massaging her fingers.
“Do you want something to drink? Or maybe sit down?” Poppy asked.
“I… don’t know.” Raven stared at the blonde woman. Her words barely penetrated the fog around her brain.
“Dude, she subspaced hard. She’s not going to be able to answer your questions.” Kyle shook her head. “Come on, babe, let’s sit you down. Poppy, do you have your blanket with you?”
“Yup. Right here.”
Kyle guided Raven to a small sofa and urged her to sit, while Poppy wrapped Raven in a fluffy, pink blanket. Words slipped through Raven’s mind, too insubstantial to grasp. She felt good, sore, wonderful, happy, peaceful and restless all at once. The only thing not in complete harmony was that it wasn’t Matías who’d been doing it with her. And Kyle hadn’t let her forget who it was wielding the variety of toys in her arsenal. Not that it had been a bad experience playing with a woman—just different.
The sexual aspect wasn’t there for her, though Kyle had disclosed before they played that she was bisexual. Raven hadn’t felt an inkling of attraction, though she had found herself wondering what some toys might feel like in Matías’ hand.
“How ya doing, girlie?” Kyle knelt by her, peering up at her face. “You okay?”
Raven nodded. Her jaw hurt, her tongue felt too big for her mouth and her throat was dry.
“Drink this.” Poppy shoved a bottle of water in her face.
The water was cold going down through her chest. The extreme temperature was enough to shock her out of her daze a bit. She glanced around, but the landscape of the room had changed. The lights were dimmer, the crowd was evenly dispersed among the equipment, and at the far side of the room—the cluster of people was gone.
Matías had left.
Had the mission taken him somewhere else? Would he leave her in Chicago?
Raven sucked down a deep breath as the idea of Matías leaving stabbed her in the heart. She rubbed her chest as pain pricked her eyes. She loved him. It was crazy and stupid and totally the wrong time, but she loved him. And he might never be able to forgive her.
“I don’t do tears,” Kyle said, backing up.
“Oh, honey, go on,” Poppy murmured to her, rubbing her back.
Raven’s chest shuddered.
“Sometimes, when we play, it brings strong emotions to the forefront. It’s totally okay to cry.” Poppy continued to stroke her hair and be a comforting presence next to her.
Raven had never found comfort in tears. If Matías left her because of her deception, she’d deserve it. She might not like it, it would break her heart, but she would know what not to do again.
She drank deeply from the bottle, staring blankly at nothing.
She got it.
Lillian’s words made sense, but only in the emotional fog of Raven’s over-stimulated mind.
Playing with Kyle was different, and not at all. Raven wasn’t sure what it all meant.
“Raven.”
She focused on the tips of two shiny shoes against the paler marble.
The back of her mind noted his tone, that it bespoke of danger, and yet…she didn’t care.
Matías cupped her chin, tipping her head up.
“She went under hard,” Poppy said, one hand on Raven’s shoulder.
“I can see that.” Matías knelt and lifted her bottle of water to her lips. “Take another drink?”
She wasn’t thirsty, but his tone was softer. Kinder.
“How’d it go?” she asked.
“Good.”
“Good. I think I’d like to go upstairs now.” Away from the eyes, from the audience and where she could unpack her thoughts. Even if it meant facing Matías and the reality of what they were.
Matías escorted Raven into their suite, neither speaking. Even once he shut the door, she still walked away.
Raven strode past him into the bedroom. They’d paused by the play space long enough to grab her shoes and dress, but she hadn’t put either on. He followed in her wake as she dumped them into her suitcase and then stood there in that thin black slip and a little streak of mascara on her cheek.
He wanted to grab a wash cloth and clean her face off. If she cried, he wanted it to be from the pleasure he gave her. The tears didn’t offend him, but they were a mark against him.
She’d given herself to another, if only in play.
It wasn’t a rule they’d agreed on, so it wasn’t a transgression worthy of punishing her. He had no right to be upset or territorial. She’d tried to clarify their relationship earlier and he’d put her off. That was on him, and he wouldn’t make that mistake again. He was…possessive of what was his. And where she was concerned, he wasn’t rational.
“Raven—”
“I think I should sleep somewhere else tonight.” She dropped her hands to her sides, facing him but staring at the bed.
“What? No. Why?” He gaped at her, shock slapping him in the face.
“Because…Lillian loved you.” She lifted her gaze to his. There was so much emotion there, he couldn’t sift through it to understand what had happened. “She didn’t say it, but I could tell. She loved you, and you left her. Did you even say goodbye?”
“We didn’t have that kind of relationship.”
“Well, she did. And you were her Dominant. You talk about how you take care of your partners, and then you left her. I don’t want to be Lillian. I don’t want to fall in love with you, with this, and be left with a broken heart…I think…I think it’s best if we pull back and put some space between us.”
“No.”
Raven’s eyes widened.
Matías stalked around the bed. She tracked him with her gaze, turning to face him, as if he were some dangerous animal after her. A small voice in the back of his head screamed to put the brakes on, give her the space she was telling him she wanted, while that primal half of him that recognized her as his took over. His fingers itched to touch her, but she flinched when he reached for her. He dropped his hands to his side, wanting to hold her, to make her understand, but the words and ability to communicate such a thing—he didn’t know how.
“I don’t think—”
“What about what I think?” he asked with more force than he intended.
She opened and closed her mouth.
“You get to decide what’s going on and that’s it? No discussions? Just you?” He curled his hands into fists. How he felt didn’t count? Her eyes were open wide, but she made no reply. Least none he could hear. “That’s unfair. Lillian and I had an agreement. She knew we were only play partners. I told her not to expect anything more from me. I knew she had feelings for me, which is why I stopped seeing her, because things changed from what we agreed they would be. Maybe it wasn’t the gentlest way to fix things, but I wasn’t in a place to let her down easy. I could barely take care of myself, much less her.” He pushed his hands through his hair.
During his recovery, he’d suffered flashbacks of the atrocities he’d experienced, and along the way, he’d truly lost himself. He’d been adrift without an anchor, and Lillian just kept pushing him out to the ocean, wanting things from him he hadn’t been able to give her.
“Fuck, I could barely handle myself and my own shit without having to be this fake version of myself around her. It got to a point that I had to become someone else just to be with her.” He stared deep into her eyes, wanting to upload everything in his head to her, to make her understand what he couldn’t say. “That’s w
hat’s different about you. I can be myself with you. You don’t push me to be someone else.”
You are mine. I love you.
“How long does this last, then? Tonight? A week? Until this thing with Victor is done? I can’t—this whole thing we’re doing—it isn’t me. I don’t fit.” Raven’s expression hadn’t softened. If anything, her shields were up.
He edged closer, and this time when he reached for her, she swayed toward him. Matías pulled her to his chest, squeezing her tight.
“But you fit me,” he said.
“Not funny.” She snorted and pushed at his chest.
“I’m not being a dude, but yeah, we fit that way, too. I mean—you get me. We fit, like a lock and key, like two puzzle pieces, like I don’t know how else to say it.”
“Stop saying that.” Her voice cracked and it broke his heart.
Matías stepped back and tipped her chin up with his fingers.
“What’s wrong?” He’d move mountains to make her stop crying.
“You can’t say stuff like that.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks with the backs of her hands.
“Why not? It’s the truth.”
“Yeah, but if I were—I don’t know—falling for you, and you kept saying that stuff. It wouldn’t help.”
He stared at her studiously not looking at him.
This crazy strong, amazing, independent woman not only submitted to him, but she was falling in love with him? He licked his lips and reminded his lungs to breathe. Another tear slid down her cheek. He brushed it aside and kissed the damp track.
“I would say, keep falling. I’ll catch you.”
Matías kissed the corners of her mouth and her lips. Raven stared at him, those big, brown eyes muddling through what neither of them were saying. He scooped her up and sat on the bed with her cradled on his lap, leaning against the headboard. She rested her head on his shoulder, hand splayed over his heart.
Could she feel it breaking?
The idea of her leaving him was enough to shatter the pieces of himself he’d reclaimed. He knew that this was dangerous, that for a man with his lifestyle, any person who mattered more than himself was a liability. But life wasn’t worth living without people in it, and he’d been alone for far too long. Sure, she’d lied to him out of a sense of need he understood, and there would probably come a time when she’d lie to him again, but hopefully it was about small things. Like, surprise parties and coming home early.
“I can’t do this if you’re going to leave me,” Raven said.
“I have no intention of leaving you anywhere. Ever.” He stroked his hand through her hair. “Victor wants me to meet him in Columbia tomorrow to show me the factory. Once I know where it is, I come back, the DEA and Columbian army go in, shut it down, and it’s over. After tomorrow and some paperwork, I’m done. This is done, and we can go anywhere we want. How’d you like to go to Texas? We can get you some of those peaches. There’s a lot of cotton farming there. I bet a good crop duster could earn a living nicely in that area.”
If they went to El Paso, he’d have a lot of time to make up for with his mother and brothers. He’d kept his distance to protect them, and they knew it. There’d be the guilt trip about not calling more often, but then they’d throw back a beer and it would be like old times. Hell, Raven wouldn’t have to work for a while, if she didn’t want to. He had enough saved up over the years to sit back and relax for a bit. Maybe they could travel, do the tourist thing. It was a beautiful dream—that required her participation.
“What do you think?” he asked around the lump in his throat.
“I think I’d like that a lot.”
“Let’s do it, then. Me, you and Níłch’i.”
“Where is he?” Raven sat up, glancing around for her dog.
“Yamamoto said he was going to have someone take him out. I bet he’s being spoiled rotten.” He twirled a lock of her hair around his finger. “Can we talk about tonight? Earlier?”
“Which earlier?”
“I want to talk about playing with Kyle.”
“What about it?”
He rolled the knee-jerk reaction around in his head, but it still rang true.
“I don’t want to share. Not with a friend. Even a chick.”
She was silent a moment before replying. “I’m okay with that, but the same goes for you.”
“I’m not much into dudes.”
“Whatever, you know what I mean. I’m—jealous.”
“I like you being the jealous type. I like knowing you want me.”
“I’m pretty sure wanting you hasn’t been an issue.”
“Was it love at first sight?”
“Lust, maybe.” Raven laughed.
“I do like those jeans of yours, the ones with the hole in the seat?” He cupped her bottom and wiggled his finger in an estimation of where the hole rested.
“I just got those. I’m a little bitter about it.”
He smiled at her, and she smiled back, all the turmoil, heartbreak and pain gone. She seemed content, happy, just how he wanted her.
“What did you and Kyle do? I couldn’t tell from across the room, and I had to leave before you guys were done.” He might not like that she’d played with someone else, but Kyle was a good Top.
“She showed me her toy bag, and then we played Guess That Toy. I started out pretty good, but about halfway through I couldn’t get it right to save my life.”
“Did she mark you?”
“Not really. At least I don’t think she did. Do you not want to talk about this? I mean, if you don’t like that we played together…”
Matías took a deep breath and tamped down on his jealousy. It wasn’t as if Raven had shown any sign of being into chicks.
“I’m fine that it happened with a friend, better that it was a chick. I’m more talking about in the future.” He was a little proud of not going all caveman on her over this. Look at him being rational when he’d much prefer to toss her on the bed.
“Poppy says Damien lets her play with other people.”
“He lets her play with chicks. Friends. People he knows, and he sits in on the negotiations and watches them play. They have a very specific arrangement because Poppy is a submissive switch.” Oh shit… “Do you want to switch?”
“No.”
“Good.” He breathed a sigh of relief. If she had wanted to switch, they’d have figured something out, but he wouldn’t have liked it. Damien as a better man than he was. “Show me your marks.”
Raven slid off his lap onto the mattress and knelt with her back toward him. She pulled the hem of her slip up to reveal the red and black lace panties. A few thin, red lines crisscrossed her thighs, and there were several spots of color, but Kyle had left her relatively unmarked.
He pulled his hand back and slapped the curve of her ass. Raven yelped and fell forward on her hands and knees, glaring over her shoulder at him.
“Hey, you stuck it out there.” He grinned and her glare narrowed.
“Ass.”
“Is that any way to talk to your Dominant?”
“Is that what you are? My Dom?” She sat down, twisting to face him.
“Yeah, wasn’t that what we were talking about?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know the language and rules of all this stuff. You have to spell it out for me.”
“Okay, let’s be clear then.” He crossed his legs and reached for her hands. “I want to be your Dominant. Yours. No one else’s. That means what I say goes. And if you don’t like it—we talk about it.”
“That sounds like a relationship.”
“It is. It’s a D/s, power exchange, relationship. It’s what I do.”
“So you aren’t my boyfriend, then?”
“If that’s what you want to call me, sure. I want to take you on dates, get to know more about you, go out and do things with you, but now isn’t the time.”
“I get that, I just…I guess I need to know what to call this, so I know how to
feel about it.”
“Feel however you want to. I’m here to catch you.” He squeezed her hands.
This was it, then, they were together. What had begun as a cover to protect her was now real. He wouldn’t scare her by telling her he loved her. Not yet. Even if they both felt that way. She needed time, and he needed to get out of the DEA so he could take her on those dates.
“If I wanted to do something, would we negotiate that?” Raven’s smile took on an impish cast.
“Depends on what you want.”
“Never mind. It’s stupid.”
“No, no. Tell me.”
“What if…what if I wanted you to tie me up, like totally immobile, and have sex that way?”
“I’d say that sounds pretty hot.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Any reason why?”
“It was just this idea I had tonight. She had my wrists up above me, and I’d pull on them, but in my head I couldn’t get away. I just thought…about you. And that it would be really, I don’t know, sexy.” She shrugged.
“It sounds fucking hot.” He grinned.
Oh the ideas he had…
chapter Sixteen
Raven turned in a slow circle, taking in the upper dungeon. It had a name Matías had mentioned, but by then she had been in awe of the setup and not listening.
The north and eastern walls were floor-to-ceiling glass. Starlight lit the landscape, and she could make out trees, other houses in the distance—and the lake. It was breathtakingly beautiful.
Matías turned on a few lights, keeping it dim.
It was strange, knowing they were here to fulfill her desire. She’d never had a sexual fantasy she wanted to make come true, and here he treated it as if it were the most natural thing to bring it to reality. There was an odd sense of anticipation fluttering in her stomach, as if she wanted and dreaded this experience at the same time. Would it be what she’d imagined? If it was better, where did they go from there? Did Matías have a similar fantasy?
“Come here.” Matías stood at a wooden frame, the mysterious bag that had just appeared in their room at his side.
Entrusted: A Drug of Desire Novel Page 22
