by Bry Ann
“Nix,” she says quietly, awe in her voice.
“Hey, kid. How are you?” I look over and see Nix standing there in an orange logo tee and oversized cargo pants, with a stack of bracelets on his wrist. Lacey’s hands twitch like she wants to hug him, but won’t allow herself.
“I missed you,” she whispers.
“I’m sorry I’ve had to stay away,” Nix says, looking sad. He hasn’t been here since Rose’s funeral. Doing the burial without the body was hard on everyone. His father released Sage right after Rose’s death. Nix disappeared after that. This is the first time he’s been back since then. I get it, but it was a dick move not to keep in touch with Lacey. I can see by the look on his face that he knows it.
“How have you been?”
“Oh, you know…” Lacey says, looking at her feet and twisting back and forth.
“No. Sorry, kid, I don’t know.”
She looks up at him and smiles meekly. His playful mood always lightens her up. It’s why he has clearance to this place.
“Just training and…” She looks over to me. Nix follows her gaze and nods a greeting.
“How are you?”
“Good,” I reply smoothly. He looks between the two of us.
“You two still good?” “Yes,” Lacey says softly.
Nix looks her up and down. I forget his girlfriend has PTSD from going through something just as traumatic as Lacey has.
He can read her.
“Wanna go do something, kid? Catch up.” Lacey’s eyes go wide, like she can’t believe he just asked her that. She looks straight at me like she needs my permission. My dark side wants to keep her here safe, not trust anyone, but she’s not my prisoner and she needs to begin to understand the extent of her freedom.
“Up to you,” I say, faking a casual shrug. Her eyes soften in a way I can’t understand. She needs this. Bad. She needs to see she’s not repulsive or a freak. After the way Kevin looked at her today, she desperately needs it. And I know Nix respects the hell out of Lacey. He’ll take care of her.
“If you’re sure…”
“Kid, I missed you. Of course I’m sure.”
She looks up at him, double checking to make sure he’s sure. Like it’s insane he’d want to hang out with her. He nods. A small smile slips across her lips. She walks over to me. She doesn’t touch me, and she flinches when I try to touch her. I frown. My eyes harden. I try to hide it from her, but if that happens again, we will be talking about it.
“Thank you,” she whispers.
With that, she runs away from me. I glance over her shoulder and give Nix a look. Protect her. And more importantly, help her. He nods back. He jiggles the keys on his way out. I watch them disappear down the hallway. I let out a deep breath. This had better help her.
I grab my phone.
“Gioele!” I snap into the speaker.
“Yes, Boss.”
“Have Frances deal with the order. I want you to look into Kevin Martin. Focus on his relationship with Rose and what went down in that office. I want what he told the cops and I want what really went down in there. I need this information yesterday. You are pulled from everything else until then. Don’t disappoint me.”
I don’t wait for his reply. I click off.
This has gotten out of control.
I hate messes.
Lacey
Nix runs around the car and opens the door for me. My cheeks heat. I don’t know what to say to that.
“Thank you,” I mumble.
I look around, wide-eyed. We’re at some sort of outdoor shopping center. I remember them, but, honestly, other than the few times Boss has dragged me and going to see Kev, I haven’t left the house. I don’t trust the world anymore. My therapist wants to work on it, but if I’m happy and safe in the house, why do I have to leave it?
I feel Nix staring at me.
“You’re safe with me, kid.”
“I’m fine.” His gaze flickers over to me. “It’s okay to admit you’re scared.”
No it is absolutely not. Weakness invites predators.
“Okay.”
He chuckles. “Okay, but if you get scared… I’m here.”
“Thank you,” I say after a pause.
He nods. We walk around for a while, talk, window shop, watch kids play in the water. My thoughts immediately flicker over to Jamie. Does Adam really know where he is? Should I see him? Can I?
Voices everywhere. So many voices. I reach for my throat. Breathing is becoming harder. I can’t breathe. I step backwards, trying to hide, trying to get air in my lungs. Jamie.
“Hey, hey, hey, I’m here. It’s just me. Nix. Can you breathe for me?” I gasp.
“Okay, close. Just breathe in.” He waits. “Nice. Out.”
He repeats this several times until I get my bearings.
“I… I…” I look at him, wide-eyed.
“You,” he says with a wink and a point, “are completely fine. Come on, let’s get coffee.”
Completely humiliated, I follow meekly behind him. I’m always a mess. And my skin is horrific. Kev’s face when he saw me...
I follow Nix into a small coffee shop.
“Okay,” he says, turning to me, no trace of judgement on his face, “I know you’re planning to get a small black coffee and not be a bother and all that, but it’s fall. You are obligated to get a pumpkin spice latte.”I scrunch my nose.
“What’s that?”
He gasps and places a mocking hand over his heart.
“You and Sage have been truly wronged. To not know what a pumpkin spice latte is!” He shakes his head, and I can’t help it. I start laughing. He’s being so ridiculous.
“I’m getting you one, but if you don’t like it, I’ll get you something else. Deal?”
I nod, still trying not to laugh. He smiles warmly at me, but I see the sadness hidden in his eyes. I wonder what he’s been up to? How he’s been coping? He swore to protect her, and if there’s anything I’ve learned about men like him, it’s that they keep their word. They protect what is theirs. And Rose was his family.
“I’m sure I’ll like it.”
“But if you don’t, I’ll get you a new one.”
“Okay, Nix.”
He smiles. I see him move to nudge my shoulder, but he pulls away, unsure of how I’ll take the sudden touch. I love him for that.
“Find us a seat, yeah?”
“Sure.” I start to run off when Nix’s voice stops me.
“It’s good to see you, Lacey.” “I really missed you, Nix.”
I try to swallow my feelings, but I’m failing terribly, so I run off to find a seat. Nix doesn’t say anything. He gets it. I find a seat outside, overlooking the play area. Water shoots up from the ground and kids are jumping around, squealing as the water shoots up and catches them. I watch them longingly. Their innocence. Playfulness. I was that way once. I remember that girl. I was playful and silly and I baked cookies and got cookie dough all over the place. I played card games with Jamie. I was literally just a girl. My heart hurts for everything I lost as I watch these kids. I want to wrap them up and hide them from the world so no one can hurt them like I was hurt.
“Lacey?”
I look up to see Nix holding out a cup of coffee, his eyes following my gaze. When he sees what I’m watching, he looks down at me softly. He places the coffee in my hand and takes a seat across from me.“It makes Sage sad, too,” he says after a long silence.
I turn to face him. “What?” He gestures to the kids.
“Seeing their innocence after hers was stolen.”
I swallow and pick at the cardboard holding my cup.
“Yeah.”
“Anyway,” Nix says, purposefully perking up his voice, “fill me in. You look good. I hear you’re training.”
I didn’t realize how much I had to say until Nix asked me that question. I talk non-stop for over thirty minutes. I didn’t even know I was capable of that. Some was easy, some harder, but I do
just what he said. I fill him in. I let him in. I talk about training with Cut, my time with Adam, and lastly, all I’ve been doing to get justice for Rose. Nix listens the whole time, pretending to be super interested, not interrupting me once.
“I’m so happy you enjoy training. I hear you’re good.”
I blush. “I’ve come a long way. I was really weak when I started.”
“That’s amazing. Look, kid, I don’t do heavy, the world has enough of it, but… “ He adjusts his bracelet and looks back at me. “Lacey, Rose would want you out there living your life. I’m not pretendin’ to know her well, or be brother of the year. Hell, I was a criminal. Am one. Who knows? But from what I do know of her, and after seeing you two together, talking about you with her...” Pain crosses his features. “Kid, she’d want you out there living your life, not dwelling on her death.”
I feel anger and panic swell through me.
“Not you, too,” I whisper, barely keeping it together. “I won’t give up on her!”
“Hey,” Nix says calmly, “I’m not asking you to. I’m not. As much as I want justice for Rose, and I know you are fully capable of getting it, I want you happy, too.”
“If fewer people cared about their own happiness, maybe Rose would be alive!”
I feel my hands start to shake, the familiar, cruel anger rising inside my chest.
“Where were you? You’re her brother! Where were you always, and why did you care about Sage more than her?”
I hate myself so much. Nix doesn’t deserve this. Sage deserves to have someone care, but I can’t think. I can only feel. Why does everyone all of a sudden care if I’m out living my life? My best friend needs justice!
“I understand why you’re angry, Lacey. It’s not that I cared about Sage more. I loved them both equally, and I was put in a position where I had to essentially choose. I didn’t choose Sage over Rose. I was trying to help Sage when it happened, Lacey.” Nix’s face shows bone-deep pain. “I never thought he’d kill her. Mess with her head, maybe, yeah. But kill her, never.”
He runs his hand over his face. I can tell it’s so he doesn’t cry.
“What would you know about what he’d do? That was a huge gamble! One you took on the sister you were never there for!”
I can’t stop myself. For the first time since I met Nix in that tiny cabin, I see the criminal lurking in his eyes. He glares at me. Hard. Enough to send my arms wrapping around my waist, and my body instinctively leaning back into the chair.
“I know plenty about him. Don’t doubt that, Lacey.”
“Okay,” I squeak, digging my feet into the concrete, wishing I could curl up in the chair and hide.
“Fuck,” Nix hisses. “Lacey, it’s okay, alright? Come on. I’m not mad at you.”
“Who are you mad at?” I ask, slowly unraveling. Nix’s lip twitches. “You’re too curious, kid. Let us handle this.”
“Let who handle it? The men? Fuck that. I’m just as capable! Men have given me no reason to trust them.”
Nix looks about as surprised as I am with what I just said.
“I don’t mean men, Lacey. I mean people who have been doing this shit virtually their entire lives. Let your boyfriend help you. I’ll help, too, just stay out of it for a bit. I don’t want to see you get hurt, physically or emotionally. Just focus on healing, kid. That’s enough of a burden.”
“You don’t help!” I scream, bursting out of my chair, tears leaking from my eyes. “No one will help! I don’t trust you. I don’t trust any of you to help with this! Not with Rose. She’s too important!” A kid squeals in the water and I practically fly back, heart racing. I lean over and try to take deep breaths when I realize what the sound actually was.
“Hey, I think we should go,” Nix says quietly, from right beside me.
“Please,” I squeak. I’m shaking all over. Too much adrenaline. Too many feelings.
“I’m gonna touch you, yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Okay, kid, let’s go.”
Nix grabs my arm and leads me out of there. I’m just trying to get a hold of myself. It’s too much. We walk for a few minutes before Nix’s fingers uncurl. I look up at him through my hair.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking down at my feet to hide my tears. “That was so mean. I… didn’t mean it. I just…”
“Hey. You don’t think I’ve heard worse?”
I look up at him. He winks.
“Good to hear ya stating what you think. I’m not bothered.”
He opens the door for me and I crawl in. Nix gets in to my left and looks over.
“Seriously, don’t even think about it.”
How can I not? I can tell he’s bothered. I choose to stay quiet. Nix, being Nix, incredible and amazing, doesn’t let that faze him.
“So I hear you like to cook?”
“You’ve been keeping up with me that much?”
That makes my heart feel good. Even though he stayed away, he thought about me.
“Yes. What’s your favorite thing to eat?”
“I love to cook breakfast cookies. Healthy ones. Boss would never eat anything with sugar in it. It’s the first thing I made… um, free, so they mean a lot to me.”
He nods. “Still call him Boss?”
I let out a wry smile. “Around you.”
He laughs. “You really are perfect for him, aren’t you?”
I shrug. I feel giddy until I remember the way Kev looked at my body with pure disgust and horror. How could Adam stand me? Is he with me out of some weird guilt thing? I feel bile rise in my throat, only to be saved by the temporary phone I snuck and bought when I was at the store with Adam and some of his men.
That was a weird day. Adam never goes to the store himself. I didn’t even want to know what he was getting, so I went off on my own. I knew I wanted a cell phone, so I snuck and bought one with a bit of money I stole from him a year ago. The rest, I left for Rose and Nix. I don’t know or care where it is now.
“Excuse me,” I whisper, pulling out the clunky phone.
Nix waves his hand as if to say of course, but I feel him eyeing my phone.
“Um, hello, this is Lacey,” I say quietly. Answering phones scares me, but I know that almost no one has my number, so I try to stay calm about it. "Try" being the operative word here. I feel myself shaking. I’m all messed up.
“Hello, Lacey, how are you today?”
I breathe out a sigh of relief. It’s my doctor.
“I’m good. How are you, doctor?”
“I’m good. Lacey, we should probably talk in person. Do you want me to set up a time at the house through the Boss, or… Lacey, this has to be in person.”
Everything in me goes on high alert, right down to the little hairs on the back of my neck.
“Um…” I glance over at Nix. I could probably have him take me to meet the doctor somewhere, but after losing his sister, I’m not gonna have him be there if I get a devastating diagnosis. Who knows what’s wrong with my body?
“Um, yeah. Schedule with Boss. You know I’m free.”
“What should I say to him, Lacey? You know he’s going to want to know why I’m coming back so soon.”
“Tell him that I wanted to talk to you about medication for depression.”
“Get his hopes up?”
Adam’s been asking me to medicate all year, but everything I’ve tried has made me feel like a dead woman walking. I am just starting to feel alive; I don’t want to go back. He insists it will help in time, but I don’t believe him. Trust is earned, and in some ways I just still don’t trust him. I love him, but trust is hard.
“Yes.”
He sighs. “Alright, Lacey. This once. I’m not making this a habit.”
“I understand.”
“You better make good on your promise that he won’t kill me.”
And for once, he doesn’t sound like he’s joking, so for once, neither I am. I reply furiously.
“He won’t.�
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“Have a good day. I’ll see you soon, Lacey. Take care of yourself.”
The way he says that sends chills down my spine.
“Yes, doctor.”
I stare at the dashboard, listening to my heartbeat.
“What was that all about?” Nix interrupts.
“Nothing.”
He furrows his eyebrows.
“Okay, it’s something, but I don’t want to tell you.”
He chuckles. “Fair.”
Within twenty minutes, I am dropped off inside the gates of the all too familiar estate. It’s dark now, and it’s been a really long day. Nix parks. Both of us sit in awkward silence again.
“Will I see you again?” I whisper.
“Yes, kid. I’m sorry I stayed away for so long. It’s just hard. Sage can’t be around these people and I hate leaving her.”
“I get it. She’s lucky.”
“The last thing Sage is is lucky.”
I nod as I throw my door open. “I get that more than you know. Bye, Nix.”
“Bye, Lacey. See ya soon.”
I climb out of the car to find Adam waiting, arms crossed over his chest in the doorway. My heart pounds like a kick drum. I’m nervous. Not in the typical way; I’m not scared. He just makes me nervous. He takes up all the air in the room. He’s so powerful. Two of his men stand beside him, and I feel like a pathetic little girl approaching him in my outdated, oversized jacket and baggy jeans.
I keep my head down and my shoulders back. My parents were timid like me, but they cower. I may hide, but I’ll never cower. I try to show people I’m strong.
“Hi, Lacey.”
Adam walks down the steps, thank God. With him up there, I don’t think it was possible for me to feel any smaller.
“Hi.”
He goes to kiss me, but I turn my head. I feel his eyes narrow at me, but he lets it slide. He places his hand on my lower back and ushers me inside. I hate his hand there. I’m gross. I’m gross. I’m gross.
He leads us to the bedroom at a quick rate. I know he’s going to question me about my somewhat odd behavior. Sure enough, he rounds on me as soon as we enter our room. He grabs me behind the back and pulls me into him. I squirm, trying to get away.
