by Bry Ann
“I do. Thank you, Cut.”
He grunts and stands, acknowledging me but over this conversation. I’ve been around these men long enough to know when they are done. Men just shut off when they are over emotional conversations. It’s weird.
I feel him staring at me, but I can’t look back.“You’re not unlovable,” I whisper.
It’s like all the air in the room gets sucked up. Frozen. Tainted. Pain fills the room. Pain and anger.
“Time to train,” he barks.
I don’t care if he’s mad, and he is, because he’s not unlovable.
Someday, someone will love him, and he’ll love them, too, and he’ll learn that skin is skin, but the heart speaks volumes. It’s unchangeable and all knowing. I won’t let him go through life alone and feeling unworthy. Not after all he’s done for me. Not after he just showed his heart to me just now.
A heart that big deserves a home.
Sven
I twirl the spoon around my finger. Boss and I, Gioele, Frances, and some random men who haven’t earned the right to their names are all here at this private luxury bar several miles outside of town. It’s quickly becoming Boss’s favorite place to meet. I have no fucking clue why.
“Roman’s handled,” Boss says smoothly.
There’s something in his eyes today. Something almost… joyous. It’s dark and disarming coming from him. No one will stand in his way when he’s like this. He’s protective. This whole meeting has been about security and protection and I have no fucking clue where it’s coming from. The one person I cared about dying already did, so I’m only half-heartedly listening.
“Sven!” I hear loudly. I glance up and see Boss glaring at me. “Care to explain?” I take a glance around the table. Everyone’s gone. Whoops.
“Probably not, no.”
“Smart. I wanted to discuss something with you. Privately.”“Alright.” Despite getting a private room, Boss glances all around, checking the door, windows, scanning for cameras. When he seems satisfied, he turns back to me, running his fingers over his jaw. He scrutinizes me.“You’re a drunk.”
“Yet still effective.”
He almost smirks.
“I don’t see a point in keeping you if I can’t trust you.”
“Know that.”
“If this gets out, I will make you suffer every way I know how.”
That doesn’t sound enjoyable, but there’s no way he can make me hurt more than I already do. I nod.
“Got it.”
“Sven, I’m not fucking around here.”
His tone is vicious.
“I understand.”
He looks down. The eyes that look back at me are just a man, not Boss, not a crime lord. A man with real feelings.
“Lacey’s pregnant.”
Oh, fuck! No way.
“Pregnant, pregnant?”
“Yes. I don’t want this getting out yet. It’s early and I need time to….” He sighs. “I need time to figure this out.”
“You’re fucked.”
“Thank you. Any other wise advice you want to impart?”
“No, fucked about sums it up.”
Boss laughs and shakes his head.
“We’ll be fine.”
“Lacey will make sure of it.”
“She’d leave me before she let something happen to that baby.”
“And she seems to be about the only one capable of doing that.”
He nods slowly.
“I will not fuck this up.” He pauses. “I also wanted to give you a heads up.”
“Oh?”
“Lacey’s insistent that this baby is a girl. She’s sure of it, and knowing Lacey, she’s probably right.”
“Okay,” I say as I feel all the blood rush to my ears, knowing exactly where this is going.
“She wants to name her Rose, Sven.”
I want to scream and tell him no. I want to beg them not to do that to me. Fuck them. But I don’t. Why? Because Rose would be over the fucking moon knowing that someone named a child after her, her friend especially.
“Okay.”
“You’re okay with this?” Boss cocks an eyebrow.
“Do I have a choice?”
“No, but that’s never stopped you before.”
“She’d be happy about it,” I mumble.
“Didn’t know her well, but agreed.”
“That’s all then.”
“That’s all,” Boss says, with a hint of sadness in his voice. He knows I just want to go home and get drunk.“Wait,” Boss calls casually as I start to walk out.
“What?”
He levels me with a glare but doesn’t comment on my tone.
“How’s the therapist?”
“Annoying as fuck.”
“Guess she’s good, then. I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“No, it’s supposed to help.”
“All good things take time. Keep going, Sven.”
It wasn’t a request this time; it was an order. I storm out. He knows I’ll go. He knows I won’t disobey an order. Not for years to come, possibly not ever. He’s earned my respect. My compliance. Being broken helps, too.As soon as I get home, I continue with tradition, pulling out my notepad and pen.
Rose-
Congratulations, you got a kid named after you.
Congratu-fucking-lations.
You’re torturing me, even from up there. Do you really think I haven’t paid the price for what I’ve done? You’re brutal. Maybe even worse than me.
I’m really fucking alone down here. Didn’t realize it ‘til you. I hate you for that. I swore I’d never be this person again. After I lost Savannah, I swore it’d never happen.
Guess you had other plans.
-Sven
Lacey
I’m so, so tired. These past few days couldn’t have been any longer. Not if I tried. My body feels stiff and sore. I haven’t been recovering properly, which really needs to change. I’ve been through the whole range of emotions. Still, I have stuff to do. Life doesn’t stop when I’m tired. It keeps going. Spinning on and on, an endless cycle. I’ll miss it if I don’t get up. Not just now, but every day.
“What are you doing?” I hear Adam grumble. His head rolls over. “It’s five in the morning, Lacey.”
“I have stuff to do,” I whisper, trying not to wake him to the point that he can’t fall back asleep.
His hand snakes and grabs my thigh. I’m pulled back. So I don’t end up fully straddled from him pulling on my leg, I lean back. He pushes me back onto the bed when I’m close and pulls me closer to his side. His tired eyes open slightly and look into mine. He pulls the covers over us. He’s so beautiful. Not in a feminine way, just perfect. Just like this. Messed up hair, tired eyes, gruff voice, prickly stubble.
His hand reaches under the covers to find my stomach, even though there’s not much to feel yet. We both know what’s there.
“What are you doing?” He whispers.
It’s moments like this when it feels like nothing can touch us. Not in these secure walls. But I know better. I know better than anyone that they can.
“I have to get stuff ready for when I talk to Kevin today.”
Instantly, he’s up, tired eyes gone. How does he do that? I still feel like I’m dragging.
He jumps off the bed, and cages me in with his arms, leaning down over my face.“Absolutely not, you’re not going back there.”
I feel anger swell in my chest.
“Get off me, and don’t tell me what to do.” He leans down and kisses me. Hard. I shove him away. He’s not fazed. He brushes a piece of my hair back.
“Let me come with you. Please.”
“You’ll—”
“Do nothing. I won’t hurt some kid, even if he pisses me off. I promise,” he whispers seductively. “I just want to be there for you. Last time you went there, you…”
He shakes his head and runs his fingers over the stitches on my stomach. His touc
h sends tingles up my spine.
“I gotta go alone.”
“Let me handle this. I’ll find out everything.”
“She’s my friend!” I scream at the top of my lungs. “Mine! I won’t hand her over to be someone else’s problem!”
Tears threaten to fall. Adam continues to stare at me softly. He reaches out and brushes my hair back.
“I wish you’d let me handle this. It’s eating you up.”
“It deserves to.” His head cocks back and a serious expression laces his face. “This isn’t your fault, Lacey.”
“Yes, it is. I told her to…” I look away quickly. He gently pushes my face back to face him. “You didn’t send her there. She didn’t ask to be killed. That’s what murder is, babe. It’s cruel and unfair. She was murdered. Nothing else.”I tuck my head into his shoulder. He switches to his side and lets me curl into him.
“It’s okay. I’m not sure what my religion is, but I’m sure she’s happy now. You’ve seen Harry Potter, right? Do not pity the dead. Pity the living.”
“Did you just quote Harry Potter? You’ve seen Harry Potter?!” No way.
“No, but I’m aware of it. That does not leave this room.”
I start to giggle, and lean forward to kiss his cheek.
“Can we please watch Harry Potter one night and eat snacks? Unhealthy ones. Please. Please. We can do it in here. No one would know. Then our kids can watch Harry Potter and get in on the magic. We can even read them the books before they go to bed. They’ll be so smart, and their heads will be filled with dreams. Oh, please!”
He looks at me with so much love my heart feels like it might explode.
“Kids? Plural?”
Shoot.
“Oh, well...um… just if we have multiple… I….”
He kisses my cheek. “I’d love to have kids with you.”
“And I had no idea you were such a Harry Potter fan. I learn more and more about you every day.”
“That’s ‘cause I don’t remember until you bring it out of me. So, can we, please?”
“I’m open to negotiation.”
His lip twitches, knowing I will bargain with him. It’s not in my DNA to turn down some good deal making.
“I don’t have anything to bargain with.”
“Want my help?”
“Fine.”
He chuckles. “All the Harry Potter loving you want, as long as I’m not working, if you let me go to Kevin’s with you today.”
“I have a compromise.”
He laughs. “Okay.”
“I’ll call him. I won’t go there. I’ll get all the information I need via phone, and you watch Harry Potter with me and be an awesome Harry Potter loving dad.”
“What phone?”
Shit.
Panic swells inside me like a drug. The feelings of fear all come rushing back. I pull away from him and lean against the headboard, wrapping my arms around my legs. Adam sits up, too, and faces me, concern etched across his face. He touches my knee. Involuntarily, I leap back with a small shriek. Guilt swells when I see him close his eyes and take a sad, deep breath. Guilt. Both of us, so guilty. Will the past ever go away?
When Adam opens his eyes again, they’re soft.
“Whatever it is, it’s alright, Lacey.”
“When we were at the store, I sort of snuck and bought a phone. Just one of those cheap ones, a prepaid phone.”
His lips twitch again. “With what money?”
“Uh, the money I stole when I ran away with….”
Feelings. They crash into me like a wrecking ball. Adam senses it immediately. Before I can blink, his arms are around me.
“I know,” he whispers. “It’s alright.”
“I miss her. I feel so bad living, being happy, when she’ll never get the chance.” “It’s life, little dove. That’s just life. Don’t give any piece of yours up for what is natural.”
“Natural to you. Cruel and unjust to me.”
“Alright.”
He rocks me for a little while, then leans down to whisper in my ear.
“Can I get you a real phone? One with an actual phone plan?”
“Really?” Excitement dwells inside me beside the sadness. I’d tried not to be, but for the last several months I’ve been really jealous of people’s phones.
“All you had to do was ask.”
“Okay, can I have a phone?”
“Oh, I love you,” he laughs as he rolls out of bed. “We have a deal. You call Kev instead of seeing him in person, and I’ll eat junk and watch Harry Potter with you. When Rose is born, I’ll become a “Harry Potter dad,” as you so eloquently put it.
I don’t know what comes over me, but something in me swells too big to contain.
“I love you so much. You just made me the happiest girl alive.” “Jesus Christ, I would have watched Harry Potter with you a long time ago had I known what it would mean to you.”I run over and kiss him before grabbing some clothes to wear. Cut’s talk helped so much. In fact, last night I slept in my cotton undergarments, which have been my staple for the past year. Except for the couple days after my interaction with Kev. I’ll never be the girl to wear fancy lingerie. It makes me uncomfortable and I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with it. If Adam really does find me beautiful, I don’t understand why, but I’m done fighting it. If, one day, he changes his mind and decides I’m hideous, I’ll deal with it then. Besides, this isn’t just my body anymore.
When I get to the closet, I look down at my stomach and place my hand there. There’s a life in there. A life I will protect, like I wasn’t protected.
I’m distracted, not paying attention, when I feel a large hand wrap over mine.
“We’ll keep her safe. I promise, Lacey.”
I nod and tighten my hand.
“I’m not kidding, Adam. She comes first, or…”
“I know, little dove. I know.”
Hours later, I’m pulling out my brand new phone that Adam had one of his men go get and set up. I can’t believe it’s mine. I don’t know what to do with all the buttons. Adam promised he would show me when he was done working.
I dial the number Kevin gave me and nervously listen to it ring. I’m pacing the bedroom and the hallways. Adam is gone, so I’m not worried about him hearing me.
“Hello, this is Kevin,” a weary voice answers.
“Who is it, Kev? Everything okay?” A female voice says. She seems nice and genuinely concerned for him, which is sweet.
“Hi… um, it’s Lacey. We spoke—”
“I remember. Hello, Lacey, how are you?”
“I’m okay,” I say quietly. I feel like I’m intruding on a life he’s just starting to rebuild.
“Good to hear. Let me go outside.”
“You don’t have to go outside, Kevin. I can handle it!” There’s silence, and when he gets back on the line, I know he’s outside anyway. He’s hurting, too.
“Look, I’m gonna make this quick, ‘cause…” his voice chokes.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. I feel terrible.
“It’s fine. I get it.”
“I…”
“Look, you’re not some punk trying to fulfill your curiosity. I don’t know what the hell Rose helped you with or got herself into, but it looked like a lot. I’m just gonna get this out, okay?”
“Yes, I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. It’s not your fault,” he says softly. I don’t respond.
“I knew they were trying to manipulate Rose into showing, but last I’d seen her, she was pinned against the wall by some ex-criminal asshole. I figured he was involved with her father, in which case she was already doomed, and if he wasn’t, I figured he’d have her wrapped up so tight she’d be safe. I was tied up and beaten; I couldn’t have warned her!” He shouts, suddenly defensive, like I’d chastised him.
“I know,” I whisper. “I get it.”
That seems to calm him.
“Anyway, the guy holdi
ng me— Rod, he said his name was,” I can almost feel him shiver from the other end of the phone. Rod. Rod. I will remember that. Probably forever. Rose’s tormentor. Her killer. “Rod, he really hurt me. I was pretty beat up. I feel bad for saying that to you, but…”
“Suffering is suffering,” I whisper. “It’s not a contest. One person’s suffering doesn’t negate the other’s.”
“You’re a sweet girl, Lacey. But yeah, I was hurting and disoriented and scared. Taunting me, Rod let slip what the hell was going on. Lacey, her dad did love her. Well, that’s what Rod said. I quote, “he didn’t want to have to kill her.” He said it “simply must be done.” Did you know Rose has a brother?”
Chills run down my spine. “Yes,” I breathe.
“Okay, well I didn’t. I was stunned. Rose has always been on her own.”
Pain seeps into his voice.
“It was about him. Nix apparently worked for this asshole. Nix has tried to pull away. Said he was done working for the old man. This was to show Nix what was at stake. Apparently, he’s in love with this girl and I guess they had her, too. She was going to be the one to die, instead of Rose. Rod said Nix’s "father" decided it’d break him too much. They’d free the girlfriend. Rose, on the other hand, although he’d always known of her existence from afar, he’d just gotten to know her. It was the “safer option.” Lacey...” Kev starts to choke. I know he’s crying. “I was a coward. I walked away from her back at Fallen Ridge. She begged me. Begged,” he cries. Pure anguish seeps from his voice. I feel tears slide down my cheeks. I close my eyes. Rose has no idea how many people she impacted. One of Adam’s men stares at me. I quickly avert my face. They are gonna think something important is wrong.
“She was my friend. If I’d…. This isn’t how my mother raised me. Oh god… What’d I do?”
He’s falling apart on the other end of the line. I can’t stop myself from crying and I can’t help him. I can’t take his pain away. I hear shuffling and then that same female voice, soothing him. The phone shuffles some more, then a woman is on the line. I try to get myself together enough to talk.
