“Uh yeah, I’m here,” he replied. “But I need to get going. It was nice talking to the both of you.”
“Wait. Uh…I don’t really feel like we talked about anything. I mean we did but…”
“Maybe another time, Taryn. I gotta go. Take care, all right? Goodbye.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
When he hung up the silence was unsettling. I wanted to keep talking to him; I didn’t want there to be a goodbye. Things with him felt so uncomfortable, and I wasn’t sure what to do.
An hour later I was putting Maggie to bed and I suddenly realized that I never called Jared back. I’d been so busy worrying about Zack while Maggie took a bath and brushed her teeth that it completely slipped my mind. The weird thing was that I was also thinking about Jared the entire time.
If I didn’t come up with something else to think about besides the two of them, I was sure to go crazy.
My mom read Maggie a bedtime story that night, so while I had the chance, I called Jared. I apologized right away for taking so long to call him back, and he assured me it was no big deal. He wanted to tell Maggie goodnight, but I informed him that I already got her into bed and grandma was reading her a book. He mentioned something about me having my hands full enough and that I didn’t need to worry about getting back to him; he said he’d been trying to be patient.
I felt terrible that he thought I was apologizing for flaking on the phone call, but deep down I knew guilt was the real reason why I felt so bad.
I knew I had to come clean—I owed him that much. I told him the real reason that I needed to call him back—because Zack had called—and he didn’t say anything at first.
“I haven’t talked to him for a while, so I felt like I should take the call,” I added.
“I understand,” he finally replied. “You could have just said so.”
“I just…wasn’t sure if I was going to talk to him at first and…
“Well what did he say? Is he back?”
“From Switzerland? Uh, no he’s not. But the call didn’t go very well anyways. We just ended up making each other mad.”
It took a few seconds but he replied, “Well the funny thing about that anger emotion… It doesn’t always mean bad things.” I contemplated that silently. I was trying to decide what he really meant by it when he added, “Taryn? What kind of ‘mad’ are you? Like frustrated mad because you miss him and you’re still hurt that he left?”
“Jared, I don’t know if I can…” I sighed.
“Don’t know if you can what? Taryn, you can talk to me about it. You promised me that you’d be completely honest, remember? Just—can you tell me what he said?”
I did recount my phone call with Zack, with as much detail as I could remember. I did admit that I still felt hurt, and that I didn’t understand Zack’s motives or what he meant when he said certain things. I felt like I was confiding in my best friend, but I was thankful that I was able to do it over the phone instead of in person. Jared was easy to read and I feared that he would be disappointed with me. But even though he seemed accepting of my feelings over the phone, I still wondered if he was bothered by it. I decided to ask him about it outright; I wasn’t sure if I wanted to wonder.
“Well, I understand all of it,” he replied. “I mean I knew from the start I was in for a battle, so it’s not surprising. Do I wish things were different? Yeah, of course. But you have the right to feel however you want, Taryn. I’m in no position to question it.”
“What do you mean question it?”
“Well…”
“Honest answers, Jared.”
“I know. I’m getting there. I was going to ask if you love him. Are you in love with Zack?”
Naturally I had to pause. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an answer, but it was more a matter of how to answer.
“I do love Zack,” I finally said. “I really care about him a lot. But I don’t know if he’s the right person for me. There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.”
“And you love him but you’re not in love with him?”
“Exactly. Right now he and I—”
“Taryn, I don’t feel good,” Maggie said as she opened my door.
I’d been so focused on my conversation with Jared that she’d startled me. “You don’t?” I asked, motioning her over. “What’s the matter?”
“My throat hurts.”
I almost groaned out loud. Maggie had a history of sore throats, and the doctor last said that she should have her tonsils taken out if the problem continued.
“Jared, I need to go,” I said into the phone.
“Yeah, sure, of course. Tell Maggie I’m sorry she feels bad.”
“Do you want to talk to her yourself?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’d love to. If that’s okay?”
I gave Maggie the phone and she listened to Jared talk. I liked seeing her smile at least, despite having a sore throat. She seemed a little more relaxed after that and even went back to bed without any medicine.
I climbed into bed early that night, but it still took me two hours to fall asleep. I was feeling sorry for myself as I stressed out over the things that were burdening me. I didn’t know what decisions I was going to make, and I hated feeling so unsure of my life.
I spent a total of ten days with my family in California—until the day after New Year’s—and even though Maggie and I had a great time, I really missed Jared. I talked to him on the phone every day; he actually got to know my family quite well this way because of certain things going on in the house, or stories I would tell him. And of course it was hard to shake my brother whenever he knew Jared was on the phone. I think he stuck close to me more than he ever had in his entire life. Jared got a kick out of him, especially when Braden would facetiously tell him stuff about me, or flat out lie by saying things like, “Taryn kisses her pillow whenever you play your guitar over the phone.”
That made me roll my eyes, and when Jared later asked, “So…you really replaced me with a pillow?” I had to reply, “No, I kiss the posters of you in my brother’s room.”
That made him laugh.
My mom and dad convinced me to let Maggie stay with them for a while longer. I wouldn’t have agreed to it if Maggie hadn’t wanted to, but she did, so I thought it would probably be good for her. In a way I was glad because I had a couple of jobs to do that week, and I really wanted to get a little further on getting our things ready to move. The next trip to my parents’ house was going to be by U-Haul, so I decided it was best to get what I could packed up.
Jared was an amazing help, and he even got the house sold for me while we were gone. I had four weeks to be out, but I decided to be entirely moved by the time I returned for Maggie. Once I got back to California, it was going to be for good.
I knew Jared was still a little unsettled about the move and so was I, to be perfectly honest. I still didn’t know what I wanted at that point, but I did know that I wasn’t comfortable living in Rachel’s house anymore. I’d wanted out of there the week she died, but I was afraid of uprooting Maggie too quickly. I guess she was either pretty adaptable or too young to care, but she wasn’t affected by it at all. I was pretty sure her willingness to go along with anything had come from being bounced around to different places while Rachel was career bound. I suppose in a way it made her adjust to change easily.
Myself on the other hand… I’d been looking for stability ever since I arrived in Washington. Six weeks ago I saw Zack as a permanent figure in my life, and I even imagined that the three of us—Zack, Maggie, and me—would become a permanent situation. I would have moved in with him had he asked, and I definitely would have said that I loved him if he had ever said the words first.
Okay, so that’s a complete lie. The truth is that I had no idea I wanted all of that. Yes, I had thought about it, but I was so set on taking things slow and casual with him that anything else didn’t even seem like a possibility. Now I didn’t have anything with h
im, and I felt like I’d lost everything we had.
Every day I thought about what I did wrong when it came to Zack. I guess it all started when Jared spent Halloween with us. That was the one thing that Maggie couldn’t stop talking about when it came to Jared, and I was sure that it was probably hard for Zack to hear—especially because he’d wanted to be there with us. I guess in a way I blamed myself. My relationship with him was definitely exclusive at the time, even though we both tooted the “casual” horn. I suppose that was my way of protecting myself from getting hurt, just in case. I wished we could at least still be friends, but that wasn’t looking very likely.
I sighed as I taped shut the very last box of the kitchen stuff. The house was definitely empty—most all of the boxes were stacked in the garage, ready to ship off. Jared came from the garage that very moment to collect the last two boxes and haul them out, and he returned to find me sitting on the kitchen counter.
He approached slowly, and I could tell he was trying to read my mood.
“It’s just strange,” I confessed. “I feel…displaced. It’s like closing the book but feeling like it’s not finished.”
“It’s not,” he said, standing in front of me. He placed his hands on my knees and added, “You’re just starting a new one. Or maybe the sequel.”
I smiled and nodded my head. “I suppose. But maybe it all feels so odd because I don’t know if this is right. What if I’m making a huge mistake?”
“And what mistake would that be?”
“I don’t know.”
He thought for a few seconds before he asked, “You already know you don’t want to live in this house, right? I mean we’ve already established that?”
I nodded my head.
“So that decision is the right one, and we’ve just made it happen. Next would be to decide where you want to live. Usually that comes before a person moves out,” he smiled, “but you’ve decided to move to California with your parents. Is that the decision you’re worried about?”
“Sort of,” I nodded. “I don’t see anything wrong with that decision at this time but…I just don’t want to mess up anything else.”
He studied me carefully for a few seconds. “I wish that meant me.”
“What? Yes it means you.”
“Then why would you have to worry about it? I already offered you options, Taryn. You definitely don’t have to worry about losing me because I’m yours and I’m only interested in you and Maggie. But the ball is in your court, babe. I can’t make those kinds of decisions for you.”
“I’m not sure about moving in with you just yet,” I said.
“I understand that. But if you did, I promise you can have the house and I would just be the sucker on the couch with the dog.”
I laughed and lightly shoved him. “Whatever. I’m not going to take over your house.”
He smiled and pulled out a key from his pocket. “Well in any case, I want you to have a house key. You know the code to the security alarm so you’re welcome to come and go anytime you want. If you and Maggie want a vacation in Washington, or your family, just help yourselves.”
“Jared, that’s really generous of you, but you don’t have to do that. I wouldn’t want to be there without you anyways.”
“Well, maybe there will be a time that we’ll be meeting each other there—you’re coming from one place, I’m coming from another; or maybe you’ll need it if you come up for something that has to do with the investigation—but just keep it, okay? I don’t know what’s in the future, but I know that I want you in it.”
He always said the sweetest things, and that made me feel really good. I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around his neck to kiss him. We enjoyed that for a while until he pulled back to study me for a moment, even running his thumb across my cheek as he seemed to decide on voicing a thought. But I could tell he changed his mind by the way his expression changed, and he went for something more casual.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I hired a moving company to do the move and the drive for you,” he said, stepping back to hold my hands. “I don’t want you hauling all of that stuff that far on your own. I wish I could go with you, but I gotta be in L.A. by tomorrow evening…”
“You hired a moving company?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry if I overstepped my bounds, but you can always send them away and do it your own way. I just thought it would be easier on you, and you could just drive your car without having to haul it too. I’m sure that would be a lot easier. Or if you want, send the car with the moving truck and I’ll get you a flight instead.”
I was so grateful that I didn’t know what to say, so I just kissed him for a very long time. I’d been worrying about the move, and I really didn’t want to drive a U-Haul that far by myself, towing my car behind it. A huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders, and I was so happy that I barely heard the knock at the door.
“You expecting someone?” Jared asked as he turned to answer it.
“No,” I replied, sliding off the counter.
I followed him to the door and was surprised to see Jason and Melissa on the front porch. Melissa was all smiles at first, until she looked into the house at just the two couches and said, “You’re already packed up? We came to help.”
“Really?” I asked. “Uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”
“I heard you were going to be packing up the next few days.”
That didn’t surprise me, being that I’d talked to Zack’s stepmom when she’d called to see if Maggie could play with Ashlyn the week before. I was still without Maggie and ended up informing Mariah that we were also going to be moving.
“I figured the sooner the better,” I replied. “I was afraid to wait any longer, just in case I fell behind. I didn’t want to still be moving out when the new people move in. I stress out about stuff like that.”
“Oh, I understand that,” she smiled.
There was an awkward few seconds since I didn’t know what to say, and then I realized how rude I was by not introducing everyone.
“Well jeez, come on in,” I said, motioning them inside. As they entered I added, “Jared, this is Jason, Zack’s brother, and his wife Melissa.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Jared said, shaking both of their hands.
Jason didn’t enter as he looked him over for a second and said, “Ah, so you’re Jared, huh?”
“Uh, yes, I am,” he replied, eyeing him cautiously. It made me uncomfortable because even though I wasn’t a guy, I could read their distrust of each other loud and clear.
Melissa was on the same page I was when she cheerfully said, “Well, is there anything we can do for you, even though everything looks pretty much done?”
“Uh, no I think I’m good to go. Thank you so much for coming though. I’m really grateful.”
“Zack wanted to stick around to help you out,” Jason added, eyeing Jared again. “But he had to get back. He wanted me to arrange for a moving company that can get everything done for you. You know, load it all and haul it to, uh, wherever,” he finished, glancing at Jared another time.
“He did?” I asked, completely surprised. “I mean I already have it taken care of, but…well, thank you.”
“Thank Zack. He was the one that didn’t want you to worry about anything.”
I could read between the lines pretty well, and I didn’t blame Jason for wanting to stick up for his brother, but it was uncomfortable nonetheless. However, there was something that struck me all of a sudden and I asked, “What do you mean he had to get back?”
Jason looked at me with confusion and answered, “I thought you knew he was in Switzerland.”
“I did know that, but get back to where?”
“To Switzerland.”
I guess I didn’t understand at first until Jared asked, “He was here for Christmas?”
I stared at Jason and Melissa, completely stunned. They too looked a little confused but Melissa said, “You didn’t know that he cam
e back for the holidays? He left a week ago.”
I returned to Washington two weeks ago. My surprise turned into anger, but I tried to keep myself composed. He didn’t even have the decency to come and see me? I was furious.
“Oh jeez,” Melissa murmured.
“He said you didn’t want to see him,” Jason said defensively.
“What? I didn’t even know he was here! He didn’t even tell me he was coming back for Christmas.”
“Well he did,” Jason almost growled. “And he even stuck around a few days longer, hoping to see you.”
“Hey, watch your tone,” Jared warned him. “She’s not to blame for anything.”
Jason glared at him and said, “Don’t even get me started.”
“Jason,” Melissa warned.
“What is going on here?” I exclaimed. “Give me a break! He was the one that left and…”
I couldn’t even finish the sentence. I didn’t understand how they could be mad at me! At the same time, Ben and Curtis came up the walkway, sensing that there was some sort of disagreement going on. Protecting their boss was their top priority, and I was grateful for that, but it made me uncomfortable. Jared motioned for them to keep their distance, but Jason’s obvious disdain of the need for bodyguards made him scoff with resentment.
“I’m done here,” Jason said to his wife. He brushed past Ben and Curtis and found his way to the car.
“I am so sorry,” Melissa said. “I just…I don’t understand…”
“It’s okay,” I told her. “I don’t understand either. Well I understand his hostility,” I added, in reference to Jason. “He’s only looking out for his brother.”
“No, I understand that too,” she said. “I just don’t understand Zack…”
She glanced at Jared and I could tell she felt uneasy. I wasn’t sure if it had to do with the fact that he was my new boyfriend, or if there was something she wanted to say without him there. But ultimately she said her goodbyes, gave me a quick hug, and joined her husband in the car.
I didn’t even know what to say at that point.
Love Today Page 20
