by Ruby Madden
Grace looked away and out the window. She was trying to decide if she should tell him. She’d always been hesitant to share such personal things about herself.
“I freaked. We were kissing and I was loving it, but then it got really passionate, really fast. When he got more hands-on, it triggered a… flashback. I slapped him.”
Sebastian’s eyebrows rose. “Was he getting fresh with you too soon?”
“No, he was a total gentleman. It’s not him, Sebastian. It’s me. I’m… I’m damaged goods.” Grace stammered.
Sebastian took a step back, a look of consternation on his face. “Grace, what do you mean sweetie?”
Grace got quiet again and sat down, with a sigh, into her chair. “I have a hard time, with men. When it comes to intimacy, I’m scared.”
Sebastian clued in to what Grace was sharing with him. He leaned forward and took her hand. “Sweetie, there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world you could tell me that would change my opinion of you unless you’re a baby puppy killer, which I know you aren’t. You can tell me. I’m here to listen.”
Grace bit her bottom lip, worried she might cry. This entire experience was proving how vulnerable she felt most of the time.
“I don’t have much experience to pull from and what experience I do have is mostly bad. I got scared and so I slapped him. And then I was so mortified at what I’d done that I ran off. I ran off like the man was trying to rape me… or something. Who does that?” She explained, her voice faltering.
Sebastian noted the sad look in her eyes. He knew what she was saying without saying it. “Grace, I’m so sorry that whatever has happened to you ever did. But don’t let it ruin your chance at some happiness with finding a man, a lover, a partner – whatever you want. You deserve to be loved and desired. Serious.”
Grace nodded the smallest of nods. “I know.” She said quietly.
“Surely there was something he said that might help you find him?” Sebastian asked.
Grace shook her head, “That’s just it, I’ve been racking my brain trying to remember our interaction, the conversation in my mind. Hard to believe that you can spend nearly an entire day with someone and not have enough to find them with, in this day and age?”
“Hmmmm…” Sebastian sighed. “Well then, trust in the universe Gracie. Ask it to provide another chance for you two meet again. Ask for serendipity to come play with you.”
Grace looked into Sebastian’s glittering eyes, noting that his sensitive self felt something for her and her situation. “Serendipity?”
“Yup. Serendipity. It brought you two together once, it’ll bring you together again. Trust in it. It’s like magic, you have to believe in it to make it work.” Sebastian winked at her as he walked away. “I’ve got to get back to my menu for tonight dear-heart. Come visit me later if you still want to talk.”
Grace nodded and smiled at him as he walked away. She took a sip of the delicious mocha he’d made for her and sighed.
Time to get back to work.
{ CLAY }
Clay needed to run.
He needed to work-out to get some of the stress out of his system. His preferred form of exercise was equally his most therapeutic way to spend part of the day when life was getting to be a bit much.
The news at work that his manager was leaving the company to work for a local competitor had taken its toll on him as Clay had worked long and hard to garner the favor of his boss. Having that hard-won alliance move on would mean that Clay would have to work that much harder to gain the favor of his new manager. A man that few in the organization respected but who got promoted nonetheless.
Equally pressing on his mind was the recent news that his Father had cancer and would be starting treatment soon. How in the world was he going to find the time in his schedule to fly out and see his Father? He had to, he had no choice. He knew his Father needed him now. Clay’s Father was an early widow as Clay’s Mother had passed five years earlier. Sadly, from the same disease.
Then there was the matter of Grace.
Clay still couldn’t believe his huge blunder of not securing her digits at some point during that glorious day they had met. Him, a paid salesman, where all he ever does all day long is secure new contacts, create new relationships and establish ways of connecting with potential buyers and new markets. His most gifted skill had failed him utterly that day. How could he have not gotten her number? Or her last name for the matter?
In an era where all the world was just a click away on the Internet, all he had to go by was the following phrases: Long, blonde curls, curvy body, lovely face and the sweetest disposition. Not surprisingly, his Google search had turned up no results. He knew he was foolish to even try, but hey – he’d been drunk when he made the search.
The department admin assistant peeked into his office, her cute personality irritating him further.
“Hey Clay, I’m gonna get lunch. Would you like it if I brought you back something?”
He took one look at Hannah and had to stifle a groan. Like most, exercise-obsessed women in the company, she was decked in her sports-gear which told him she would work out before getting her lunch. It’d be at least an hour and a half before she got back to her desk. He appreciated the offer, but already knew she was just fishing for a way to engage with him, finding any excuse to interact with him.
“Thanks Hannah, I’m good. I brought my lunch today. Too much work to get through.” He lied.
“Ok, see you later!” Hannah left just as quickly as she arrived, her perky petite ass walking away.
Half of the men in the department had had a piece of her ass and this, he especially disliked. He was all for women’s liberation, equal rights, and the lessening of sexual repression for all – but he was still old school in that he liked knowing the women he was with hadn’t also been with his friends and work colleagues. Life was complicated enough, why add that to the mix?
He would follow Hannah’s lead and head to the gym to change and go out for a run. Lunch could come afterwards. His mind was so distracted and he needed to get focused. There was something about running that freed him from all of his worries, concerns and cares. He’d come back to the office and be able to finish the workday.
{ GRACE }
Warm water rolled over her body. Grace was taking a shower, the first one in three days. Her body comfortably pressed against the yellow tiled wall, she listened to the water. Felt it trickle over and down her body. Every part of her. Soothing droplets pulling her frustration and anxiety down into the drain.
This happened sometimes, when she just felt so lonesome that the only place she could take comfort in was where there was water. A swim at the pool, a long bath, or a short, hot shower. At the moment, this was the best she could do. She’d just spent two days hiding out in her apartment, moping and keeping to herself. It was her Monday. She’d need to go to work soon.
Grace inhaled deeply. Ever since meeting Clay, her desire had been running high. Right off the charts. This wasn’t just a need between her legs. No, this was a need to connect, to commit, to feel...
This was passion. Desire. A want to love. A chance to be, with someone.
Grace had gotten so good at stuffing down her needs, wants and desires that it surprised her at the strength of herself. As if the weight of it was bearing down on her, pressing her inside out.
Clay had awoken something in her. She’d been fine, ignoring the male sex and her own erotic drive. Then Mr. Charm appeared in her life. Only for her to ruin it. To run away.
She slammed her fist against the wall. “Fuck!”
Grabbing a washcloth, she soaped it up and began to scrub her soft body. Grace was notorious for talking to herself. She cringed to think what anyone might think if anyone ever heard her and wondered. Her grandMother claimed that most people talked to theirselves when alone. Grace wondered if that was true?
“It’s normal, Grace. This is normal. Most people want
what you want. Most people have the need to be in a relationship. You’re the one who is abnormal, hiding away from the world like this…” She murmured to herself, thinking about her plight. Trying to understand herself. This impossible situation.
Clean and feeling better, Grace stepped out of the shower and began to dry herself off. Her cell phone rang and she dashed into her living room to answer it, dripping a bit on the hardwood floor.
“Hey Sis! How are you?”
“Max! Doing ok, how goes it?”
“Mom asked me to check in on you, she says you’re being avoidant. What’s going on little sista?” Max asked affectionately.
Grace smiled. Despite the fact that she was older than Max, due to his football-like size and stature, they had an inside joke between them that Grace was his ‘lil sista’.
“She did, did she? Well, I’m okay. Just a bit love-sick.”
“Love sick? For reals? Glad to hear it! It’s about damned time.” Max teased.
Grace sighed. “I know, right?”
“Spill, I want to hear all about it.”
Grace paused, both hesitant and embarrassed. “Not now, big bro. I’m actually getting ready for work. Just hopped outta the shower. Another day?”
“Sure, sure. I know how you are. It’s cool, you just jingle me when you’re ready to talk about it. Or not. I’m always here for you, you know that.”
“I do, thanks Max. I love you. Sorry for being such a stranger of late. I’ll call soon, promise.”
“K, then. Til next time. Love ya lil sis.”
They hung up and Grace sat down on her sofa. She hated lying to Max. She could have talked, she had time. She didn’t need to leave for work for another two hours since she was doing a swing shift. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to talk about this, just yet, with her family.
Grace took in a deep breath. She thought back to that night when the police called her parent’s home. How her Mother dropped the phone in shock and her Father picked it up to finish the call. The police were calling to inform them that Max was in custody. In custody for beating Phillip Stanton to the point that he was in the E.R.
Grace’s family was stunned. Stunned because despite being a large young man at his age, Max was a gentle giant. Very kind and thoughtful, not one to harm others. Certainly not violent or aggressive.
Grace recollected the awful feeling in her gut that night. How she came to find out that one of her friends, the only person she’d confided in about being raped, had told her terrible secret to her younger brother out of concern for Grace. Max had taken it on himself to find Phillip, Grace’s rapist and take justice in his own hands.
Thankfully, due to Max being underage and Grace coming forward about the rape, charges were dropped. Phillip Stanton, despite his rich family’s money and lawyers, found himself in jail once he’d recovered from the beating Max had given him.
Grace hated that the burden of what had happened to her had to befall on members of her family. It was the main reason she’d kept it a secret from them to begin with. Thankfully, they’d provided her the right amount of loving support, a protective stance and a sensible amount of sensitivity to allow her therapist to help her.
Grace was getting chilly, clothed only in her towel, lost in reverie of her flashback memory. Her cell phone rang again. This time, it was her therapist’s assistant calling to confirm her appointment. They always did as a courtesy.
“Hi Cheryl, how are you today?” Grace answered the call.
“Hi Grace, I’m good, thank you. Just a quick courtesy call to confirm your appointment tomorrow.”
“Yes, thank you. I’ll be there.”
“See you tomorrow, Grace. Have a good day.”
“Thanks Cheryl.” Grace said and then ended the call on her cell.
Grace swallowed hard. She wondered if the day would come that she could leave this painful part of her past behind her. She thought about how much she resented that this wound was such a large part of her identity. She disliked that the blemish of being sexually attacked was a part of who she was in the eyes of those who loved and cared for her.
She knew it wasn’t fair, but the world had a way of being either callous, suffocating or oblivious to the very private pain of a rape victim. Each handled it in their own way. The only thing Grace had ever wanted was to move on from it, in peace, with a bit of her dignity left intact and to no longer feel afraid of every man she met who expressed his interest in her, sexual or otherwise.
This, combined with her self-respect, a need to be heard, known and seen without this occurrence solely defining her. Then maybe, finally she could feel able to rejoin the human race as a participant instead of as solely an observer.
Grace finished readying herself for work, deciding to leave a bit early and walk instead of taking the streetcar. Thankfully it was a dry late fall day and the walk would help her clear through her thoughts and feelings before starting the work day.
At the very least, she’d walk off some of her sexual tension and frustration.
{ CLAY }
This guy is about the biggest douche I’ve ever met… Clay thought to himself.
Sitting across from him was Philip Stanton, the Account Manager for the chain of sporting goods stores that Steven had been working with. He’d flown in to finalize the contract between the two business parties.
Steven and Philip bantered casually, like the former frat guys they were, crudely discussing the strippers they’d watched the evening before at one of Portland’s famous strip clubs. Clay’s eyebrows went up a few times listening to their discussion before he finally decided to interrupt the conversation to get back on track with business.
“Philip, I’m glad you’ve had a good time in Portland. Steven loves to show our clients some of the more fun parts of the city.”
“That he does, that he does…” Philip smirked knowingly at Steven.
Clay decided to ignore the under-handed meaning and continue on with the meeting. “We’ve come to the decision that we’d like to move forward with the contract and there are a few terms I want to discuss a bit more.”
The smirk on Philip’s face changed to a cheeky smile. “Glad to hear it, this is a win-win for both of us. We’re thrilled to move product from your company.” He raised his glass for a cheer.
Glasses clinked and details about the contract were discussed. The luncheon meeting continued for another hour and all parties were happy about the business arrangement and their decision to move forward.
Somehow, despite Clay’s best efforts to keep the casual chit-chat about sports or TV, it kept crudely going back to the strippers at the strip club the night before. Steven nodded nervously, realizing that the guy banter was overstepping some sort of approved line in the sand.
Clay stayed mum, knowing better than to chastise a new client. He let Steven handle the douchebag and quietly ignored the moron.
When Philip looked away briefly to ogle a female server at the table one over, Clay and Steven passed glances. Steven gave him the ‘what the hell can I do?’ look. Clay shrugged knowingly. It was true, these types were always the same. They never had any respect for women. There was no point in contesting them. It was never going to change them anyways.
Clay was grateful that Steven was managing their new client, because quite frankly, he didn’t have the stomach to schmooze this ass-hat. Not in the least.
Thankfully, his cell started to buzz. It was an email from his boss. Grateful for an excuse to end their lunch meeting, he glanced at his phone while standing to shake hands with his new client.
“Good doing business with you Philip. I need to get going, more work calls for me. Safe travels home. We’ll be in touch.”
Clay exited, glad to be free and clear of him. The man was an ass-hat.
{ GRACE }
Grace sat on her bed, resting against her pillows and headboard, her laptop in her lap.
Romeo, Grace’s grey-he
aded lovebird, was perched on her shoulder, nibbling and playing with one of her long curls and earlobe. His sweet little nibbles were endearing to Grace. She’d reach up to give him a gentle scratch and rub his feathered head. He’d coo his appreciation and snuggle into her neck.
The rain patted against the bedroom window, a softer lullaby than the music she was listening to on her iTunes. She fidgeted with her ear-bud chords, twirling them in her hand.
Sipping on a cup of lukewarm tea, she paused when she saw how many names came up from her Google search.
How many Clays can there be in the city of Portland?! She thought to herself exasperatedly. How do I narrow this down?
She racked her brain for any other clues Clay may have given her. She kept replaying the conversation they had on the Portland Streetcar in her mind, when he was talking about his work, how he earned his living. She recollected that he was a Sales Manager but didn’t know what he sold or what company he worked for.
She began to click on each of the names, spending an hour searching before calling it quits.
Grace picked up one of the new books she’d bought from Powell’s that day she’d met Clay. She wanted to distract herself, get her thoughts off of him. She opened it and began to read.
Eventually, the story pulled her in, taking her thoughts off of Clay and her search to find him. After a couple of hours, she dozed off to sleep.
{ CLAY }
Clay felt silly doing it, but he had to. He was waiting in the checkout line at Powell’s Bookstore. He’d allowed a few other patrons to pass him over as he was specifically waiting for the salesclerk he needed to talk to, become available.
Angela called out “I can help the next customer down here.” She smiled big when he stepped up to the counter.
“Hi there.” She nearly sing-songed, pleased to see Clay.
“Hi. Angela is it?” Clay asked politely.
“Yes. Where is our lovely lady friend today?” She teased, beaming a big smile at him.
