by Emma Miller
“Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse. I know Gavin wishes I’d find a real job. Maybe he’s worried I’ll fall into a bad crowd again, but I’m a different person than I was then. And singing makes me happy.”
Evie paused, processing the words. “Actually, that was one of the first things he said about you, that you were a singer.”
Her brows rose and she seemed pleasantly surprised.
“Bye, Evie!” Sean ran up and threw his arms around her waist. “And thanks for the snow!”
This surprised a laugh out of her. “What can I say? It was just for you.” Apparently, she was now in charge of the weather. She hoped he liked snow. A lot.
The handle of the door was chilly to the touch. Evie knew it was going to be a deadly cold night. The snow swirled around her as she stepped onto the sidewalk. It felt like ice was melting in the pit of her stomach as she wondered how many new babies would show up at the hospitals and walk-in clinics tonight.
The street was pleasantly deserted, just a few people walking quickly, heads down through the falling snow. She wished that this was all there was to her city. Coffee shops and parks and mayors holding sledding parties for the kids. But it wasn’t. There were so many people in need, and some of them were too scared to ask for help.
As she drove back to her apartment, Evie went over and over Allison’s words.
Her throat tightened and she fought to focus on the slick road filled with downtown traffic. Allison said that she was tired of hiding, and Evie knew just what she meant. There just weren’t enough ways to make up for what she’d done. But that was where the similarity ended. If Gavin’s sister was the girl she’d photographed with Senator McHale, then Evie had come out miles ahead. She sold those pictures for enough money to buy a whole paper. And what did Allison get? Disowned by her family, shunned publically.
The old VW heater finally kicked to life and Evie tugged off her scarf. She felt as if her limbs had been filled with lead. Fear had sucked the energy from her, localizing it near her frantically beating heart. Lord, I will do what You want me to do. Even if it meant ruining her good-girl reputation, even if it meant destroying this new thing that was growing between her and Gavin Sawyer.
Chapter Nine
“You look tired. You’re not sleeping.”
These weren’t questions, and Gavin knew better than to argue with his grandma. She handed him a plate piled high with spaghetti covered in homemade sauce and juicy, fragrant meatballs. Allison had wanted to put Sean to bed early and was already gone to the little apartment they had found on the other side of town. She’d taken with her a container filled with enough spaghetti to feed them for a week. The dining room, cozy and calming, had always been the perfect antidote to whatever was giving him stress. But not tonight. He was a bundle of nerves and couldn’t seem to concentrate.
“The kids are going to make me run laps if you don’t stop feeding me like this.” So it wasn’t very funny, but he didn’t want to get into the exact reason he tossed and turned all night.
Fixing her brown eyes on him, she cocked her head like a bright little bird. He tried to ignore her, focusing with grim determination on his spaghetti. Finally, he sighed and put down his fork.
“I already know what you’re going to say.”
She smiled brightly, her lined face creasing into tens more wrinkles. Some women paid top dollar for face cream, but Grandma Lili said she was proud of every one of her laugh lines and every one of her wiry gray hairs. Fifty-five years of marriage to a cigar-smoking cab driver who worked around the clock could have given her reason to complain. But she wasn’t that sort.
“Then I’ll just keep my mouth shut when you’re all done telling me about those dark circles. Women don’t find that look very attractive on such a young man, let me remind you.”
Evie’s face popped into his mind, but he brushed it away. It didn’t matter what women liked right now. It mattered that the city was under a pertussis epidemic, his prodigal sister had returned and the woman he found incredibly alluring was his best friend’s sister. That was enough to give anybody sleep deprivation.
“You know the whooping cough has hit the city hard this year.”
“Of course. I’ve never been prouder of you.” She reached over the table and patted his hand.
For some reason those few words made his shoulders sag. He took a deep breath, but she spoke first.
“You can’t be held responsible for a whole city, dear.”
“But I can. It’s my job to make sure people are aware of the booster shots, that pregnant women are aware of the need to get vaccinated again and that we keep on top of any cases. Something went wrong. And now there are very sick babies suffering.” He lifted his face to hers, mouth tight. “It is my job, and I failed.” It was an old feeling, from all the way back when Patrick died.
Grandma Lili let out a laugh that was part chuckle and part snort. “Sweetie, I think you’re part superhero, don’t get me wrong. To come out the way you did, so serious and calm, when all the rest of the family is a group of hot heads... Well, it’s impressive. But you can’t run the world.”
Gavin stared in disbelief. “I’m not trying to run the world.”
“Then you’re trying to take responsibility for it. Do the best you can. Commit the rest to God.”
Gavin pushed a meatball around his plate. “It’s more than the epidemic.”
Grandma Lili said nothing. She waited, bright eyes fixed on Gavin’s face.
“I’m glad Allison is finally here, with Sean. But she’s changed. Just in the last few weeks she seems intent on being as transparent as possible.”
She leaned back in her chair, tapping the long slim fingers of one hand against the tablecloth. Gavin wasn’t sure if this was the moment she’d promised not to say anything, or if she was just thinking.
“She says she won’t cover up her past, or the identity of Sean’s father. I don’t think it’s a good time to start being brutally honest.”
“It’s her choice.”
“You don’t think it will hurt Sean?”
She sighed and put her hand on his. “Gavin, Sean is a bright little boy. Let her judge how to approach this topic.”
His gaze slid to the framed black-and-white photos on the wall. His grandpa in a cabby station surrounded by men in suspenders and hats, Grandpa shaking hands with the mayor, Grandpa accepting an award of service, his grandparents in their wedding outfits and smiling into the sun.
“I wish he was here to tell us what to do.” He wanted to be strong, competent. But he missed the man who had held their family together. His parents were distant at the best of times. Now that they lived a few states away, enjoying retirement, he hardly ever heard from them.
Grandma Lili regarded him, her hand under her chin. “Gavin, he never told anybody what to do. He would say his piece then you had to make your own decisions. You’ve always been so driven, ready to take on the world. I love that. But sometimes I wish you would remember that other people want to take care of you, too. Allison didn’t move here just because she needed us. She knows we need to be near her and Sean, too.”
He wondered what Evie would think of Allison’s “history.” A typical journalist would jump at the chance of revealing such a big secret. Juicy gossip like that would sure sell a lot of papers. But she wasn’t that type. He had the feeling she wouldn’t be publishing that kind of story in The Chronicle. It might be the golden cow for a gossip rag, but she’d made it clear that those kinds of stories were repugnant to her.
“But it’s more than that, isn’t it?” Grandma Lili’s voice was soft, but her hand was softer as she laid it on her grandson’s arm.
He met her eyes and sighed. “There’s this girl. I mean, woman.” Heat flooded his face. “It’s nothing important, I just—”
The re
st of his sentence was lost as she started to laugh, one hand over her mouth, eyes crinkled in mirth. “No, go on. Sorry.”
But he could tell she wasn’t sorry, in fact was enjoying every moment of his embarrassment. “I thought you promised to listen.”
“No, that was when you were talking work trouble. But woman trouble, all bets are off. Sweetie, if I’ve seen that look once, I’ve seen it a hundred times.”
Gavin frowned. He didn’t want to know what look she meant. He sucked in a breath. “When I’m with her, everything seems possible. I feel like we can tackle all the problems of the world and win. My mouth starts running without my brain being engaged. Suddenly, I’m inviting her to a ski date when I should be holed up on the fifth floor with the lab guys.”
He studied his plate. “When she’s not around, I wonder what she’s up to. I worry about her advertisers, her workload. My phone rings and I hope she’s calling me, even though there’s no reason for her to call me. It snows and I hope she’s driving safely.” He rubbed his forehead. “I hate her car. It’s completely unsafe. It doesn’t even have airbags.”
Grandma Lili was silent, listening.
“I can’t help thinking that if the epidemic gets worse, and my office is blamed, she won’t want to be anywhere near the fallout.”
“She wouldn’t be the girl for you if she walked away because of that.”
“And then there’s Allison.”
His grandmother’s gaze was steel, her lips a thin line. “Gavin, her past is her own. She’s made peace with God. So it’s not anybody else’s business. If this girl is scared away by someone else’s mistakes, then she’s all wrong for you.”
Grandma Lili didn’t understand, but he couldn’t figure out how to explain. He was worried about what Evie might think, rather than about people who were desperately ill, and it made him crazy.
“It’s not a big deal. We’ve never even been on a date.” He smiled ruefully.
“Can you invite her to church tomorrow? I want to see this girl who makes my big, strong grandson lose sleep.”
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“She doesn’t go to church?” Her expression took on a hint of caution.
“No, no, she does. I think she even goes to St. James, at a later service. But you and all your friends might be a bit much.”
“You’re not painting a very attractive picture. She can’t handle trouble with your job. She can’t handle Allison or any family problems and can’t go to church with a group of harmless old ladies?” She ticked them off one by one, daring him to disagree.
“I know what you’re doing.”
Her eyes opened wide, innocence written large over her face. “If she’s really worth your time, it won’t be a problem. Call her. It’s not so late.”
Gavin paused, wondering. They had just seen each other that morning. Would it be too much? He reached for his phone, heart speeding up against his will. “If this goes badly, I’m blaming you.”
“I’m okay with that.” Grandma Lili winked and then took the bowl of salad to the kitchen so he could dial in peace.
* * *
Evie was parked in front of her apartment building, watching the snow drift down through the orange glow of the street lights. The glass-fronted condos were brightly lit, figures moving behind thin curtains. She didn’t know if she quite considered this her home, but no place else had felt right, either. Maybe she was doomed to exist in a sort of limbo, happy at work and filled with emptiness at home. Jack said she was overcompensating by working all the time but whenever she stopped to enjoy herself, the memories came flooding back. Evie laid her head on the steering wheel, closing her eyes. Allison might have been the girl she’d photographed; it was hard to say. She could go search Google for some images and try to tell for sure.
Or she could ask her. The thought made her heart sink in her chest.
Her cell phone trilled and she jumped. Gavin. Evie stared at the display, fingers trembling, struggling to get it open. “Hello?” Her voice cracked on the last syllable.
There was a pause, and a terribly familiar voice sounded in her ear. “Are you all right?”
Was she? There wasn’t any good answer to that.
“Evie? It’s Gavin. You sound upset.”
She cleared her throat. “No, sorry. I’m just surprised.” She tried to force her face into a smile, knowing it could be heard in her voice.
There was another pause. “This is probably a bad time. But I was at my grandmother’s and she was wondering if you’d like to come with us to the early service tomorrow.”
Evie shook her head to clear it. She’d been wrapped up in memories of hiding in bushes and bribing lowlifes for information. She struggled back to the world where kind, handsome disease specialists called about church with their grandmothers. “I’d love that. There’s no way to pry Jack out of bed at that hour, but I’ll be there.”
“Would you like me to pick you up?”
For just a moment, Evie clutched the phone tighter. She wanted him to come here, right now, and tell her everything was going to be okay. She wanted to explain how she used to be someone very different but had grabbed on to the promise of grace. She wanted him to say that everyone made mistakes and she was only human.
“Evie?” She loved the way his voice sounded in her ear, so close.
“I’ll meet you there. And Gavin?”
“Yes?”
She didn’t know how to say any of what was rocketing around inside her head. “Thanks for inviting me.”
“Better wait until after you get grilled by the Granny Group.” But she could hear the smile in his voice before he disconnected.
Evie was still clutching the phone when it rang against her ear. She fumbled to answer it, wondering what Gavin had forgotten to say. Maybe he’d already changed his mind.
“Did you get home okay?” Jack’s tone was a bit accusatory. She always gave him a quick text when she hit the door.
“Sorry.” She gave the shorthand version of Gavin’s invitation.
“Church date? I didn’t think that was legal. Nobody pays attention to the sermon.”
“His grandmother suggested it.”
“And so it begins.”
Her stomach dropped. “Disaster?”
“Nope. I was thinking that he must be serious if he’s talking about you to his grandmother.”
“Maybe they were just talking about—”
“Pertussis articles? The Mission budget? And then she said he should ask you to church because that’s the logical next step.”
“Well, when you say it like that, it sounds weird.” So, that made two family members who knew about her. A warmth spread in her chest. She wanted to be someone important in his life, not just as an editor. “It’s just church. It’s not like they’re going to march us to the altar.”
“Your choice. But like I said, so it begins. Sleep well. Call me tomorrow after your church date.”
“Stop calling it that.”
She snapped the phone closed on his laughter and Evie rested her forehead on her palms and prayed, long and hard. Please help me know Your will for us. Because nothing else should really matter, especially not the feelings that had taken root in her heart and were threatening to push out any other concerns.
Evie took a deep, calming breath. She had plans, projects and a mission of her own. She didn’t want to lose sight of it. But when she was around Gavin her world seemed to shrink until it just included the two of them. How could she be sure that she wasn’t falling into that old trap, of thinking she knew best, no matter what God was telling her?
* * *
Adjusting his tie reflexively, Gavin hovered near the large double doors. Why did he ever think this was a good idea? Oh, right. It was Grandma Lili
who thought it would be nice to sit through a service with Evie. Knowing how he could hardly get through a conversation with all his brain intact, he just couldn’t see how he was going to focus on what Rev. Bright had to say today, especially if she sat beside him. Memories of the budget meeting flooded back. Every brush of her elbow made him lose his train of thought. Maybe he could get her to sit on Grandma’s other side.
No, then she’d be grilled mercilessly. Better he should sit between them. He yanked at his tie again, feeling less like going to church than he had in his life.
“Am I late?” Somehow she’d snuck up on him, and her cheery voice made him whirl around.
“Not at all. Just getting some air.” He glanced down at her, trying not to stare. A long, black skirt, dressy leather boots, gray wool coat, familiar blue mittens, dark hair sleek and shiny. She was so beautiful. No, that wasn’t it. She was vibrant. Her eyes were clear and bright, cheeks flushed. She looked so alive.
Evie checked her watch. “We should go in before there’s no place to sit.” Then she grinned. “Never mind. We’re at the early bird service. No fighting for pew space. That will be perk number one.”
His heart lifted. Perk number one, as if there were more. This wouldn’t be hard at all. Just two people going to church, not a big deal. “Let’s head on in before my grandmother sends out a search party.” He opened the door and followed her in, breathing in the familiar smell of the sanctuary space. It was a peaceful place, filled with good memories, and the gleaming pews beckoned to him. There wasn’t room for confusion and anxiety here, and suddenly, being with Evie seemed to fit right in.
He touched her elbow and whispered, “She’s up in the front, wearing light blue. Says she has trouble hearing. I think she just likes to sit behind that big family with all the little kids. Usually gets passed a baby by the middle of the service.”
Evie nodded and headed up the aisle.
