His brow furrows. He shifts in his seat and looks back. The side of his face that I can see pales, and he loosens his grip on my hand. “Kate?”
“Can we talk?” she says. She smiles at him as if to disarm, but there’s a plaintive desperation beneath.
Alarm bells go off in my head.
No. Don’t ruin this. Whoever you are, leave. Don’t take away the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Jaeger faces me again, his gaze fixed on the table. He glances up, his expression haunted before his mouth turns up in a semblance of a smile. “I’ll be right back, okay?”
I nod stiffly. He grips my hand one last time before letting go and following the woman to the entrance of the restaurant, where Jaeger’s sister stands with the maître d’.
Why is Kerstin here?
I pound my water and wait for Jaeger to return. Twenty minutes pass before he walks down the aisle to our table, rubbing his brow. He looks up, his eyes serious. “I’m sorry.” He swallows, his gaze distracted. “There’s a family emergency. We’ll have to do this another time.”
“Is everything okay?” Obviously not, but what do I say without sounding like I’m prying, which is exactly what I’m doing. Who is this woman? And why is he ditching me for her?
I stand and grab my purse.
Jaeger walks me out of the restaurant before answering. “That was Kate. My ex-girlfriend.” He opens the passenger door and helps me into his truck, sagging against the frame of the cab as if he needs the support to help him stand.
“Which ex-girlfriend?” Maybe there were a bunch and this one is some random, innocuous ex who happened to be at the same restaurant. Ex-girlfriend and innocuous don’t exactly go together, but it could happen. I’m in full denial mode.
“Cali, you’re the only girlfriend I’ve had in four years. Kate’s my ex. The ex. The one who dropped me after my accident.”
Of course his ex would show up after he’s moved on. That’s Murphy’s Law. But he moved on with me, and I’m pretty damn happy with him. I don’t want to consider how happy, because it will probably break me if it ends.
“She said—” He pushes off the cab and straightens, though he looks about to topple. “She said she had a kid. That the girl’s mine. She wants us to be a family.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
My mind goes utterly blank, and then a riotous array of facts and questions, mixed with a few expletives, clamor to get out.
How could this happen? She can’t have him. I—I … like him. A lot. A real lot. Why did she wait until now to tell him? It doesn’t make sense. She dumped him, and he was in and out of physical rehabilitation for a year. He said he never saw her again … he wouldn’t have known if she was pregnant.
Fuck. Just—fuck.
I don’t remember the drive to my place. It passes in a flash, and then Jaeger is walking me to the front door. “Let me find out what’s going on.” He breathes in shakily. “What really happened … I don’t trust her. There were rumors after we split that she was unfaithful. I’ll find out the truth, then I’ll call, okay?” He pecks me on the cheek and walks to the truck.
This is not how I envisioned our night ending. How could something so right go so terribly wrong? Am I jinxed?
Jaeger looks up from inside the truck, a pained expression on his face, before he turns the ignition and eases out of the driveway.
I swallow the knot forming in my throat and open the door to the chalet. Gen’s banging around in the kitchen while Tyler sprawls on the couch.
He sits up. “What happened? Why are you back so soon?”
I slump on the blue recliner, staring straight ahead, attempting to process what I don’t want to believe. “Jaeger’s ex interrupted our date.” I wave my hand, a crazed sensation rising in my chest. “Just showed up in the middle of the restaurant. Told him she had a kid—and it was his.”
Tyler’s eyes bug out. “What?”
Gen walks into the living room, an oven mitt on her hand. She doesn’t cook, so the image is absurd. Just like the rest of this evening.
I drop my face into my hands and squeeze my eyes closed. “Can we not talk about this?” After a second, I realize hanging my head allows gravity to pull the tears closer to the surface. I look up and swallow, blinking several times.
Gen looks to Tyler, widening her eyes pointedly.
His mouth is still open. He sees her expression and nods. Pulling out his phone, he starts feverishly tapping out a text.
“Leave him alone, Tyler,” I say. “He’s trying to figure out what’s going on. He doesn’t know, either.”
Tyler fingers continue flying over his iPhone.
I stand and walk to the bathroom. “I’m going to bed.” I remove my makeup, then change in the bedroom, hanging up the pretty blue blouse I wasted my money on. I lie down, but I can’t sleep. My chest hurts.
The sounds of Gen and Tyler chatting quietly in the living room filter beneath the door. That’s when the first tear rolls down my cheek.
I won’t do it. I won’t cry over another guy this summer. It’s pathetic.
More tears roll, landing on the collar of my homely flannel pajamas.
Okay, I’ll cry tonight, but that’s it. No more after tonight, unless … please don’t let there be an unless. Please let this be a big, horrible mistake.
Jaeger hasn’t called in two days. I’m dying.
I’ve gone from staring at my phone, to spending hours sketching beneath the trees, to walking aimlessly around the neighborhood until I wind up at the lake. On the plus side, my arms are getting ripped from all the rocks I’m cathartically hurling into the water.
Every time I pick up the phone to call Jaeger, I remember he said he’d call when he had things figured out. He’s never hesitated to get in touch in the past. I can only assume he’s still dealing with his ex. Or getting back together with her. It’s difficult not to think the worst, but a part of me hangs on to the hope that this will all turn out to be some ginormous mistake.
I’ve scoured online job listings for South Lake Tahoe and have sent out resumes and online applications. The waiting around is driving me crazy; job hunting kills time and distracts me.
My classes don’t start for a few more days. If I work at least thirty hours as a waitress or a dealer at another casino, I can swing living expenses and costs for community college. The student fees aren’t astronomical like they are at Harvard and other programs. With new classes, a new job—basically a new life—I might survive getting my heart crushed.
Maybe.
Okay, I’m not sure. Jaeger snuck up on me and now I have all these feelings I’ve never experienced before. It’s going to break my heart if he ends our relationship. Oddly, running off to a law program far, far away would be easier than sticking around to watch the guy I’ve fallen in love with torn from my arms.
In love? Okay, that’s enough introspection for one morning.
I walk inside the chalet—the patio has become my office and art sanctuary.
“Where’s Gen?” I ask my brother, who is sitting at the kitchen table, typing on his computer.
“Said she was going out.”
“Did she say where?” Our talk helped heal some of the distance between us, but we haven’t had time to catch up on everything. These past few weeks, I figured Gen was hanging out with Nessa, but now I wonder.
Tyler pauses and takes a gulp from his coffee mug, the words World’s Best Cat Mom scrawled across the front. Either he’s less choosy about his mugs than either me or Gen, or he’s being ironic.
“Nope. Hey, what do you think of that Nessa girl? She available?”
Okay, that came out of left field.
I walk into the kitchen and pull out ingredients for a sandwich. I have an interview this afternoon with the casino across from Blue. It’s a smaller establishment, and I’m being interviewed by the head of Gaming. I have anxiety over this, considering the last head of Gaming fired me, but these people don’t seem to put on t
he same airs as the management at Blue. Maybe talking to upper management at their casino is a good sign.
“I don’t know if Nessa’s available. What happened to Gen setting you up with a Blue waitress?”
Tyler’s face contorts. “Shit, Cali. That girl was crazy. She got hammered and crawled on my lap. In the restaurant. I felt like a virgin preserving my virtue.”
“You have virtue?”
“I guess I do,” he says proudly.
I chuckle, inadvertently inhaling a piece of bread I had popped in my mouth. I hack until it comes back up.
“Easy there, girl. Don’t kill yourself. It wasn’t that funny.”
“I wish I could have been there.”
“No, you don’t. She was a damned piranha.”
“A man-eater? Are you serious?”
“She tried to unbutton my pants!” Astonishment fills his voice.
“You’re such a hot babe, Tyler. How do you manage?”
“Don’t mock, Calzone. You can’t see it because you’re my sister, but I am a commodity.”
Complaining about that horrific nickname results in increased usage, so I bite my lip. “If that’s the case, why did you need to be set up?”
He shrugs. “Gen offered, and I thought I’d give it a try.” He wags his head slowly. “Never again, Cali. Never. Again.”
I laugh and walk into the bedroom to change and get ready for my first casino interview.
Paul something-or-other, the head of Gaming at the casino across from Blue, looks at his notes, his mouth pinched. “Ah, yes, Cali.” He drums his fingers on the desk and stops when he realizes he’s doing it. “My assistant just reached your previous employer. I apologize for having you come all this way, but it seems … well, it seems we can’t offer you a position.”
What? A fly could land on my tongue and I wouldn’t be able to close my mouth. With my experience at Blue, I’m a shoo-in for the dealer position.
An uncomfortably long pause ensues, while I attempt to process what he said. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand.” The interview has barely started. I haven’t had a chance to screw up his questions.
Paul nods, his hands clasped together. The tic near his eye does not bode well. He doesn’t come from the same cold stock as the gaming manager at Blue. He can’t hide his discomfort.
“Because you came all this way, I’ll tell you that Human Resources confirmed your employment at Blue, then transferred the call to a manager. The manager didn’t go into specifics, but said he would not hire you again. I apologize for the inconvenience, but that’s reason enough for us to eliminate you from consideration.”
“But—but—”
I was told before I left Blue that the dissolution of my position wouldn’t reflect poorly considering it was an issue of fit, as long as I wrote a letter of resignation. Which I did.
Paul stands and extends his hand. “I wish you the best, Ms. Morgan.”
My legs lift me, slowly and hesitantly as if they, too, can’t believe this. I shake my interviewer’s hand and smooth my navy skirt with trembling fingers. Face burning, I pass the receptionist at the end of the hall and press the elevator button to the bottom floor.
How will I find work if Blue doesn’t give me a decent reference? My other experience, working at a florist shop and as a tutor, won’t help me find a casino job that pays well enough. I got the position at Blue through a friend of my mom’s. I need the Blue reference as a stepping stone.
The next day, two more casinos call and cancel interviews. The last place asked a couple of questions and told me they’d call after my references had been checked. I haven’t heard back.
A restaurant—I’m getting desperate and put in a call to a friend of a friend—said the same thing the first hiring manager did. That they spoke to someone at Blue who couldn’t recommend my work.
I didn’t even do anything wrong at Blue—except piss off Drake.
Is he blackballing me? That would be just excellent.
I have no job, I’m running out of money, and my future is tenuous. Add to that the fact I haven’t heard from my boyfriend in the four days since his baby-momma came back into town, and I’m ready to pitch a tent near the ice cream aisle.
I broke down and called Jaeger this afternoon. I told myself I’d wait until he called, but he hasn’t and I couldn’t hold out any longer. Am I being dumped? Again?
Jaeger didn’t answer, so I left a message. He hasn’t called back.
Four days. Four days since Kate interrupted our date at Tao, and no word from Jaeger. Any normal human being would assume it’s over. I should have learned after Eric, but I can’t wrap my head around it. Everything with Jaeger was different. I knew it was over with Eric when he didn’t call. With Jaeger, I’m not sure I can believe it’s over until I hear it from him.
I’ve signed up for classes, but I have no way to pay for them. I refuse to mooch off my mom after she spent years financing college. I’m not even sure she could afford to help me, now that she has a mortgage. A crazed desperation drives me these days.
I work through the second pint of butter pecan and ponder the fact I might end up attending law school after all. At least at Harvard I have a loan established that will cover living and tuition. And isn’t that ironic? All this introspection and reinvention to end up right where I started—miserable, but surviving. There’s got to be more to life than this.
The front door bolt scrapes and Gen walks in. It’s after one in the morning and she’s dressed in tight jeans and a slinky tank. Tyler’s still out with one of his buddies.
I raise an eyebrow. Gen doesn’t just look beautiful tonight, she looks hot. Like, trying to impress a guy hot. I’m instantly suspicious. “Where’ve you been? Did you go out with someone?”
For a moment she looks like a teenager slipping in after curfew. She sinks onto the couch, glaring at my ice cream. “How much of that have you eaten this week?”
I study the carton. “This week?”
She lets out a nervous laugh. “Cali …”
“Five pints?”
She pokes my belly. It’s stuffed with slushy goodness. “I think you need to cool it with that. Time for an intervention.”
That’s funny. I’m usually giving Gen interventions about the smutty books she’s addicted to—trashy TV I fully support—and her poor taste in men.
My, how things have changed.
I glare at her and reload my spoon, but I can’t bring it to my mouth. I am stuffed. I’ve eaten so much ice cream these last few days I’ve grown immune to the sugar high, like a junkie. “I don’t need an intervention. I need a job. I need a life.” My voice catches on that last bit.
“I know, hon.” She drapes her arm around my shoulders. “You’ve had some challenges, but it’s time to pick yourself up.”
“How?” I sink lower and curl into her. Being a loser sucks. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Yes you do. You’re an artist. You took all those fancy classes back in college, because it was easy for you and it’s what other people would have done if they had your brains. But now you need to think about how you want to live the rest of your life.”
Gen’s been dealing with the deep stuff while I’ve lived a relatively charmed existence. Finances were tight, but I had a smooth home life. Gen, meanwhile, mentioned a few of the trials she grew up with living with her mom, none of them good. It’s a wonder she came out normal. She’s stronger and wiser than she knows.
“I have, and it’s not working out. I should just go to law school,” I mumble stubbornly. “It’s not too late.”
Gen pinches my chin and lifts my head until she’s staring me down. “Don’t throw your life away because you’re scared.” There’s strength behind her words. She’s mentioned her fears before and how they crippled her. She’s speaking from experience.
I thought I had everything figured out, but it was artificial, shallow. I should have focused on my own life and left Gen to deal with hers. She’s doi
ng fine without me meddling.
Pity party is over. I squish the top of the carton back on the ice cream and set it on the floor.
Gen watches me approvingly. She shifts and taps her toe, her chin propped on her fist. She looks pretty and powerful. My BF has changed these last two months. She’s still her, just more confident. I thought I was confident, and maybe I am, but it was because others told me what I was doing was fantastic, not because it was what I wanted in life. When I get out of this, I’ll be stronger and it will be genuine. I’ll have confidence because I’m doing what makes me happy, not just what’s expected.
“I’d bet money Drake has something to do with Blue giving you poor references. You’ll have a hard time finding a job.”
“I know, and I’ve already considered he’s probably behind it.”
Gen’s eyes narrow as she gazes absently across the room. She nods as if she’s having a silent conversation with herself. “I’ve already put in a call to Nessa. I’ll follow up. We’ll find something.”
I close my eyes and let out a weighty sigh. It’s difficult to imagine there’s a job out there that doesn’t require references and still pays enough to cover my expenses. As much as the job situation upsets me, it’s not the thing hurting me the most right now.
Gen squeezes my hand. “I don’t know why he hasn’t called, Cali,” she says softly. “He’s dealing with stuff. Big stuff. Have you tried talking to your brother? Has he heard anything?”
“Jaeger’s off the grid. He’s not taking calls. He never returned Tyler’s texts.”
“Give him time. A few days isn’t long, considering what he’s dealing with. He’s one of the good guys.”
“I know.” My eyes bead up with tears. I shake my head. “This hurts worse.”
“Worse than Eric,” she says, understanding without me having to say it.
“Losing Eric was nothing compared to the pain of … My pride took a hit with Eric and I was sad, but this … this is like someone took an ice pick to my heart and punched a few thousand holes in it.” I buckle and lay my head in her lap.
Deep Blue Page 17
