“I’d love to stay, but I have some work to do,” he said.
She wasn’t surprised by his statement. He had already said so on the way home. She felt relieved he hadn’t decided it could wait until tomorrow. She didn’t think she could handle being alone with him right now. Natalie wasn’t due back from Tahoe until Wednesday.
After Brandon was gone, she tried to keep busy. Unpacking her suitcase and starting a load of laundry, she returned to the pile by the door to grab Tommy’s bag when she noticed her mail sitting on top of it. Taking the small stack, she flipped through the letters and pulled out two Christmas cards.
Setting the rest of the mail on the table, she opened the first red envelope and took the card out. It was from Gina. She smiled when she saw the way the card had been signed: Greg, Gina, and ?. Gina had told her last week that she was pregnant.
A folded letter dropped out of the second card when she pulled it from the envelope. She bent down to pick it up and glanced inside the card at the same time, freezing midway.
It was from Mark. Slowly sinking into a chair, she opened the letter and began reading the words he had written:
Dear Josie,
I’m writing this while rain falls gently outside my window. Winter has arrived in northern California, bringing cooler temperatures, overcast skies, and a good rain storm or two, reminding me of Oregon and all those walks we used to take under that big blue umbrella of yours.
I’m happy here, Josie. I like having my own practice, working with my dad, and being settled in this familiar small town, but one thing is missing: You. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m over you, but I’m not. I was an idiot to come here without you. I wish I would have stayed, taken that job at the hospital, and waited until you were ready.
As much as I’d love to change the past, I know I can’t, so I’ll do the next best thing: Ask you again. I still love you, and I want you here with me. You and Tommy.
If you still feel the same way as you did back in August, I’ll understand, but I have to take a shot at getting you back. I will be a good husband to you, Josie, and a good father for Tommy. I love you both very much. I don’t expect you to pick up the phone as soon as you receive this and give me your answer. Think about it for a week or two, or three, or however long you need. I’d love to fly up and see you some weekend if you want to give me your answer in person, or you can call or drop me a note, whatever you prefer.
Love, with all my heart,
Mark
Josie stared at the letter in her hand, unsure of what she felt. After Mark left town four months ago, she had missed him for a time, and more than once she had reconsidered her decision and thought about calling him. But since she had been dating Brandon, she hadn’t. Not even once. She had wondered how he was doing and if he enjoyed having his own practice; if he had met someone else; if he ever thought about her; but she never expected him to call or write a letter saying he was still in love with her, nor had she wanted him to.
And yet as she read Mark’s words once more before returning the letter and card to the envelope, she couldn’t help but think she had possibly made a mistake in rejecting his proposal. Yes, she loved Brandon more than she had ever loved Mark. She knew that. But she had cared for Mark and knew he would make a good husband and father. Perhaps she had been wrong to turn away such a good man simply because she wasn’t head-over-heels in love with him.
Last night before she went to sleep, she had asked God to give her direction in the coming weeks and show her whether or not she was meant to be with Brandon. She couldn’t help but think this was God’s answer, bringing Mark back into the picture. When she had let him go in August, she hadn’t totally dismissed the possibility of them getting back together. If Brandon hadn’t come along, she might be missing Mark by now, and this letter would be all she needed to go running back into his arms.
As the days slowly passed, a new year came, and she returned to work, she began to feel more and more disturbed that she hadn’t been satisfied with Mark. Maybe the reason for her decision hadn’t been about him. Maybe it had been about her inability to be content. If she had married Mark and gone to California, she never would have met Brandon. Who was she to ask for anything more than what Mark could give her? Who was she to even think about marrying the man of her dreams, as if this were a fairy-tale instead of real life?
And yet in the midst of her doubts and confusion, she could not bring herself to tell Brandon any of what she was feeling. Brandon continued to drive her to work, come over for dinner, take Tommy swimming, and spend as much time with her as their schedules allowed. To the eyes of others, even Brandon’s, they were a happy couple in love. And she wanted that, but something was keeping her from giving herself over to it completely.
One afternoon in mid January she took the CD Brandon had given her and listened to the song they had danced to the night he had proposed. One of the lines in the song said, You’re a gift from God to me. She hadn’t remembered hearing that before, and with more determination than ever she knew what she had to do: Shatter Brandon’s inaccurate perception of her.
She was not a gift from God to him! He deserved more, and she was not going to let him settle for her. Even if she had to lie to him, she was going to push him out of her life. He would get over her soon enough, and he would eventually find and marry the woman God really had for him.
That same evening after dinner, Josie kissed Tommy and gave him a quick squeeze. “I have to go to work, honey. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Bye, Mommy.”
Following Brandon out the door, she walked beside him down the hallway. He took her hand as always, and while they waited for the elevator to arrive, Brandon pulled her close to his side and kissed her tenderly.
“What’s wrong, love?” Brandon asked, not missing her lack of affection in return.
Josie looked into Brandon’s concerned eyes and didn’t feel alarmed he had noticed her melancholy mood. She’d hid her feelings well concerning their relationship and the turmoil going on inside her, but tonight an additional stress was on her mind. They stepped onto the elevator before she responded.
“I had a patient last night I can’t stop thinking about,” she replied, pressing the button for the first floor.
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“She’s twenty-one, supposedly engaged, but her fiancé is in the Navy and got sent out to sea before they had a chance to get married. So, until he gets back on base and she can get herself and the baby down to San Diego, she’s all alone.”
“What about her family?”
“Her parents live in Washington, but she hasn’t told them about the baby.”
They reached the first floor and stepped into the corridor. “You mean they didn’t even know she was pregnant?”
Josie shook her head. The constant turnover of patients usually kept her from becoming emotionally attached, but something about Karly had touched her heart and made her want to help somehow. She couldn’t imagine Karly going home to an empty apartment and having no one to help her.
“I feel bad for her,” Josie said, feeling close to tears. “I know--” She couldn’t finish her thought. I know how scared she must be. That could have been me seven years ago.
They had reached the parking garage. Brandon took her into his arms. Josie knew they needed to go, but his comforting arms felt too good for her to step away.
“God will show you a way,” Brandon said, gently pressing his lips on her forehead. “He cares about her even more than you do, and you are His heart and hands up there. I’m sure it’s no accident that she is your patient.”
Some peace entered her heart. Brandon often set her at ease, reminding her of God’s constant presence and of the abilities He had given her. She didn’t have to try and help Karly on her own. God would be with her, giving her the words to say to the new mother in need of a friend.
On the drive across town, Brandon left her to her own thoughts. Her mind
wasn’t only on Karly though. Brandon was on his way to Eugene tonight to consult with some of his clients in the area and then spend the weekend helping his dad fix a leaky roof.
She had to work tonight. Tomorrow she would sleep while Tommy was at school, but on Thursday she was taking a morning flight to Sacramento to go visit Mark. She couldn’t go on pretending she could ever marry Brandon or that she would ever bring herself to have a rational conversation with him to end their relationship.
Whether she wanted to or not, she was going to have to do something drastic. She had it all worked out. She would go to see Mark, accept his proposal, and return as an engaged woman. Brandon would return on Monday, and she would tell him she was still in love with Mark and had just needed some time away from him to realize that. She had thought of the perfect way she could explain it to Brandon that he wouldn’t be able to argue with--and hopefully would cause him the least amount of pain:
“I was afraid to trust Mark completely, and I never opened my heart to him fully, but you’ve taught me how to do that. And I’m not afraid of loving him anymore. I know it hurts for me to tell you this, but there’s someone else for you, Brandon. Someone wonderful. You’ll see.”
She had made up her mind, and nothing was going to stop her from doing what she knew was best.
“I hope your trip goes well,” she said when he pulled in front of the hospital.
“I’ll be back on Monday afternoon,” he said, giving her a kiss good-bye. “I’ll miss you.”
This was it, the last tender moment she would ever have with him. The last kiss they would share. The last time he would look at her with such love in his eyes.
“I’ll miss you too,” she said but turned away quickly and got out of the truck, not wanting him to see the tears pooling in her eyes.
They were streaming down her face by the time she reached the hospital doors.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Karly was among Josie’s patients that evening, but she also had two women in labor who took most of her time. The busy night kept her mind off her own concerns. She checked on Karly at two a.m. and found her awake, attempting to feed her son. Karly looked frustrated.
Josie watched Karly attempt to get the baby to nurse. She had shown her the proper technique last night, but it usually took a few days for new moms to learn the way that worked best for them and their baby.
“Try holding his head a little higher and turn him sideways,” she suggested, helping Karly position the baby in her arms. Karly tried again, and after a few more attempts, the baby began to suck.
Josie stayed with her until the baby finished with the first side and successfully latched onto the second. She needed to get back to her patient in active labor but continued to check on Karly as much as possible. When she looked in on her at five a.m., she found Karly awake and feeding the baby once again.
“Looks like someone knows what she’s doing,” she said.
Karly smiled. “Well, it doesn’t always go this well, but I’m getting used to it. I hope I can do all this right when I go home.”
“I’m sure you’ll do fine. Although, it would be good if you had someone to help you. Are you sure there isn’t someone you can call? A friend, or a relative?”
Karly shook her head.
“I can give you the number of a pregnancy center near your apartment. They will be happy to help you with anything you need. And of course, you can always call us here day or night if you need advice on breast-feeding or anything else. Would you like me to give your name to the lactation specialist so she can call you over the next few days to see how you’re doing?”
“That’s probably a good idea. Thank you, Josie. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”
One of Josie’s patients had delivered, but the other had not. She returned to her and stayed by her side until she gave birth to a baby girl at six-thirty. Knowing she wanted to stay and talk to Karly more before she went home, Josie called Natalie and asked if she could get Tommy off to school.
“What are you still doing here?” Karly asked when she entered her room an hour later. “I thought you were off at seven.”
“I am,” she said. “You didn’t think I’d leave without saying good-bye, did you?”
Karly smiled and went back to eating her breakfast. Walking to the bassinet where the baby slept, Josie stroked his cheek.
“He’s beautiful,” she said. “Did you decide on a name yet?”
Karly nodded. “Joseph Daniel Williams.”
“Williams?”
“That’s Danny’s last name,” she said. “I talked to him yesterday. He cried over the phone and promised we’d get married and move me and the baby down as soon as possible.”
Josie smiled, hoping Karly’s fiancé meant it. “I’m glad.”
“I decided on Joseph because it was the closest boy-name to Josie I could think of.”
“Oh, Karly. That means a lot to me. Thank you.”
“Thank you, Josie. I’m never going to forget you and your kindness to me.”
Setting a stool beside the bed, Josie sat down, prepared to try one last thing to keep Karly from being alone.
“I had to stay late because I just finished with a delivery, but I also wanted to talk to you before I left, if that’s okay?”
“Sure,” Karly replied.
Josie began by telling Karly about her own pregnancy. Karly listened without comment.
“I didn’t want to tell my brother and his wife, but I did it anyway, figuring they would find out sooner or later. I thought they would turn me away, but they were the ones that ended up taking me in. I hate to think of where I would be now if I had kept them in the dark.
“I know you’re scared to tell your parents,” she said. “I don’t know them, and I can’t tell you what is best for you, but I want you to at least think about calling them before you leave here. Will you do that?”
Laying her napkin over her empty plate, Karly sighed and shook her head. “I can’t.”
Josie knew that some young women honestly couldn’t go home, for various reasons. But more often, she had heard that they didn’t think they could go home.
“May I ask why?”
Karly hesitated to tell her, but she went ahead and shared her thoughts. “I’m from a small town. My dad is the high school principal, my mom is a church secretary. My sister was valedictorian of her class last year. All I’ve ever been is a disappointment. I can’t embarrass them like this.”
“I know it’s hard,” Josie said, hearing nothing that sounded like a legitimate excuse. “But you need them. You can’t hide this forever. Please call them. If they reject you, you won’t be any more alone than you are now, but if they want to help, it could make all the difference.”
Karly looked away, gazing out the window for several long moments. When she looked back, she had tears streaming down her face.
“Will you stay with me while I call? My mom would be home now.”
Josie smiled. “I’d be happy to.”
***
On Thursday morning Josie took Tommy to meet the bus as usual. The temperature had dropped below freezing during the night, leaving ice crystals on the pavement and car windows. They walked carefully, avoiding any frozen patches, and Josie hoped the bus wouldn’t have any problems on the way to school.
She said a quick prayer for Tommy’s safety and returned to the apartment. Natalie had spent the previous evening packing all her camera gear and a small suitcase for a three-day trip to central Oregon. She had gotten an assignment to take some photographs for a travel agency, and since she had brought her car here after spending time in Tahoe with Daddy at Christmas, she was able to take it. Natalie’s trip and Brandon’s had coincided perfectly, giving her an opportunity to go see Mark without anyone trying to talk her out of it. She couldn’t help but think God had arranged it that way.
Her friend Lily would be taking care of Tommy while she was gone. Lily knew she was going to see Mark, but Lily
had respected her wishes to not tell her why for now. Josie felt a twinge of happiness at the thought of becoming Lily’s sister-in-law and knew Lily would feel the same.
Hearing Natalie in the shower when she returned, Josie scrambled some eggs for them and warmed some muffins, sitting down at the table to eat her portion as Natalie emerged from the bedroom.
“Wow! Scrambled eggs,” Natalie said, reaching for a plate. “This is a treat.”
“I thought I’d better send you off with a good breakfast.”
“Thanks. I’ll owe you one when I get back.”
If anyone else would be thrilled to hear her decision to marry Mark, she supposed it would be Natalie. Even though her sister had said she shouldn’t let Brandon get away, Natalie had also once said Mark was quite the catch. The town where Mark lived was less than two hours from Tahoe, so they’d finally be living in the same state on a permanent basis. The more she thought about it, the more she became convinced she was making the right decision. After all, how long had she been praying that she and Natalie could live near each other?
She suspected Natalie may want to remain in Portland until the fall, since her sister was having some success here. If she could put off her decision until later, she would. But she couldn’t. She had to do this now, not string Brandon along and keep Mark waiting for another six months.
After Natalie was gone, Josie packed a small suitcase and called a cab to take her to the airport. She found her departure gate easily and sat down in a chair to wait for boarding to begin, further convincing herself this was the right thing to do. She ignored the voice telling her to break things off with Brandon before flying off to get engaged to another guy. She knew he’d never let her go without a fight. She had gone over every possible scenario a hundred times. This is the way it had to be.
Baby's Breath (Garden of Love 2) Page 26
