by C. A. Harms
Kole climbed my body leaving lustful kisses until he was hovered over me suspended looking down at me. I reached up to grip his shoulders…he sank his body to meet mine. His mouth found my ear kissing the tender spot right below on my neck, “So…so sweet.” He unhooked my bra removing my last piece of clothing. His hands began to massage my breast as he pinched each swollen peek lightly sucking each one into his mouth. I felt that familiar flip of metal, “Mm yes.” He looked up at me and smiled, “Does it feel good Lex?” I brought my hands up to run my fingers through his hair before I answered, “Yes, this is perfect…all of it.”
The feeling of his hands tracing my side directly over the words pulled at my heart a little as I thought of everything he knew but he still wanted me. He reached for the condom that was in the nightstand. He held it between his fingers as he watched me. I bit down on my lower lip and nodded my head. I heard the tear of the package and the excitement ran through me. I fought the nervous feeling and anxiety that continued to threaten. I just kept telling myself that this was Kole and I was safe.
Kole kissed me slowly and I felt him resting against me leg. He gripped his hardness and I suddenly felt him at my entrance. He slowly began to slide into me as we kissed. The feeling was amazing. I wanted to remember every single minute of this…every sensation. I had so many feelings rushing through me as he reached the point where he could go no further. I heard a low moan rumble deep within his chest, “Lexi…you feel so good baby,” he kissed me slowly.
Kole slowly began to move out and then back in as his movement picked up. Every inch of him felt as if it set every possible nerve on a frenzy of pleasure. Feeling his muscles tighten under my fingers as he thrust into me. Kole traced kisses along my neck and across my chest. For the first time I wasn’t scared…I felt completely safe and desired. I wanted to remember every moment of this closeness.
The familiar feeling was building in me as I released a pleasured moan. My fingers dug into his shoulders and I arched into him and accepted the vibration that rippled through me, “Damn…Lex,” he moaned in return. Kole continued to rotate his hips and stroke himself with my body. “Baby I’m close…so close,” he kissed me hard and pushed into me with one hard thrust as his body shook and he buried his face into my neck. He left light kisses on my neck whispering into my ear, “That was so… (He let out a low steading breath)…really sexy. Sorry I can’t think of the words to use.”
He smiled and kissed me once more as he slowly withdrew from me. Once he was out of me I missed him. He removed the condom and placed it into the tissue I gave him tossing it into the garbage can. He grabbed my hips and pulled me into him forming his body to mine from behind. He brushed my hair back and kissed my shoulder. Wrapping his arms securely and protectively around my waist, “This feels good…being here with you like this. I love having you here this close…Are you okay baby?” I was more than okay for the first time in so long I felt like I might just be able to be me. I felt like the pain I still felt from what happened to me was slowing beginning to heal. I knew that Kole was responsible for giving me that hope. “I’m great Kole…I’m perfect. Thanks for being so great because I don’t think I could take it if you weren’t.” He kissed my neck, “Baby I have my faults but I am trying okay…because this with you feels right.”
I could feel his chest rise and fall against my back. We fell asleep together as he held me close.
Twenty Four
(Kole)
Things with Lexi were changing. She was happy and she smiled. I could get her to laugh and that sound…that sound was like a beautiful song to my ears. She was so comfortable around me and our time together just felt natural…peaceful. I convinced her to sing for me and when she broke out her guitar I tried not to appear shocked. I had no idea she could play. I knew this was a big step for her.
“You can’t laugh…even if you hate it and it hurts your ears…just lie!” She really was so fucking cute, “Well I am not gonna hate it…did you forget I have already heard you sing even though you told me to forget all about it I didn’t. I know you sound good so I don’t have to lie.” I stole a kiss and she took a deep breath…
When she began strumming the guitar my heart raced and my chest tightened…
I don't need whiskey to drown out the pain
Or some old umbrella to hold off the rain
Don't have to cross over a river of tears
All that I need is right here…
Holding you, holds me together
When holding on gets just a little too hard
When this tight rope I travel begins to unravel
And I feel like I'm falling apart
Holding you, holds me together…
You know life's a freight liner on a runaway track
And I'll take the ride knowing that you'll bring me back
No faith too uncertain, no distance too far
As long as you're here in my arms…
Holding you, holds me together
When holding on gets just a little too hard
When this tight rope I travel begins to unravel
And I feel like I'm falling apart
Holding you, holds me together…
Whenever I hold you tight this crazy world of mine
Falls right in place
Whatever the trouble is you find a way to give back what it takes…
When this tight rope I travel begins to unravel
And I feel like I'm falling apart
Holding you, holds me together…
Holding you, holds me together.
I felt like my heart was in my throat. She kept her head down like she was afraid to look at me…maybe embarrassed or nervous. I reached for her guitar and placed it on the floor. I knelt down in front of her. I tilted her chin up and brought my lips to hers. I knew what I was feeling for her was something I never bothered with before. Lexi had so many amazing qualities but she hides them. With time she was allowing me in and I had to say each time she stole another little piece of my heart.
“That was beautiful Lexi…don’t hide your face. Hearing you sing and play your guitar I got to be honest with you…it turns me on…it’s hot as hell,” the giggle that escaped from her made me smile in return. I crawled up the bed and brought myself over the top of her body. She felt so small beneath me…but she felt right. Things started to heat up quickly between us and our comfort with one another was a little shocking. I knew she trusted me completely and she should because protecting her was all I wanted. When I felt her hands slide up the back of my shirt I let out a moan. Lexi’s hands are so delicate and she can undo me every time with the smallest touch.
Keys rattled the door and we both groaned in disappointment. “Okay you two can stop dry humping each other…I am home now,” Megan complained as she dropped her bag to the floor and flopped onto her bed. I kissed Lexi once more and climbed off of her to quickly adjust myself, “Thanks for the cock block Megan.” Both the girls laughed, “I’m gonna take off baby, I’ll see ya later,” she pouted a little but stood to give me one more kiss before I left them alone.
I asked Lexi to come home with me for Thanksgiving I knew she wouldn’t but I wanted to offer anyway. I couldn’t help the disappointment I felt when she said no. Matt wouldn’t be there which was a really good thing because I knew the next time I seen him I wouldn’t be able to control my anger. I knew I would have to beat the shit out of the fucking punk. There was no way I could not defend Lexi.
I didn’t want here spending the holiday alone. I felt horrible that she had no plans. I couldn’t believe that she and her mother were no longer close. It made me feel a little better that Megan would be staying here too since her parents had gone on a cruise.
I convinced Lexi to spend the night with me on Wednesday night before I left for home. When she showed up at the house I was in the shower and the fact that she found Hope walk through the kitchen in her bra and panties just pissed her off. When I walked into my room and found her sitting on m
y bed with the death glare I knew something happened. “Is it a normal gesture to walk around half naked in a house full of Frat guys?” I knew at that point who she was talking about because Hope got under Lexi skin badly. “It is if your sleazy and looking for attention…don’t worry about her okay.” I could tell she was cranky and I didn’t want tonight to be about this. I tried to soothe her but she didn’t want that so I sat back and let her complain and vent about Hope…
I got everything loaded in my car early Thursday before I woke her up. I ran my hand over her arm. She hated mornings, “Wake up baby…It’s time for me to leave.”
She groaned and buried her face in the pillow, “Lexi…I could just carry you to my car and kidnap you…if you woke up and I was over halfway home you would have a choice would you?”
I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face, “If you weren’t so damn good looking I would hurt you for waking me up,” she groaned into my chest. I laughed lightly, “Well then I am really glad I am so sexy.” Lexi reached out and pushed my arm…this girl had me wrapped around her finger and she didn’t even know it.
I was hoping she would change her mind at the last minute but when I pulled up in front of her dorm and she got out I knew that wasn’t going to happen. “I am going to miss you baby…you sure I can’t convince you to come with me?” I knew it was a long shot but I desperately wished she would just give in. When I had told my mom who I was dating she was shocked… ‘Little Lexi?’ Well she’s all grown up now.
“I can’t go Kole but I really appreciate the offer. It was really sweet of you.” She rose up onto her toes and kissed me so lightly allowing her kips to linger for a few seconds before lowering herself back down. It was crazy but this girl had my stomach in knots…and it was not a bad thing just a really unfamiliar thing. I held her close a few minutes longer, “I guess I better get going.” We had been together every free moment over the last few weeks and I was not going to be seeing her for four days. It was going to be a long weekend.
We exchanged a few more kisses before I got into my car and drove toward home. I immediately missed her…I have turned into such a pussy.
I turned my radio up to drown out my thoughts of Lexi. The ride seemed to go by fairly quickly. Pulling into the driveway I got out stretching my legs. My phone chimed from the passenger seat notifying me of an incoming message.
Lexi---I miss you like crazy
She has no idea what she has done to me…how much I think about her. How when I hear her voice it seems to make a bad day great. I never wanted the girlfriend thing. I enjoyed my freedom and the random parties with no string attached sex.
There was something about Lexi that drew me in. Yeah the fact that I knew her when she was younger and how much she had changed was the initial attraction. I mean she is hot and she has that sexy appeal that I have to admit now felt like it clawed at me every time I seen her. My first attraction was definitely physical I wanted to be with her so badly. It became a flirting game and her bitchy attitude just made me want her more. Every time she pushed away well it made me try harder until I started noticing the signs…the heartache. Things changed and I found myself looking at her differently. I wanted to know her…and protect her. I wanted to be that guy that could make her smile and laugh.
I wanted to call her…I wanted to hear her voice.
I stood in my parent’s driveway and dialed her number. She answered after the third ring…
‘Hi’ damn she sounded so sweet.
‘Hey baby, I wanted to call you and let you know I just made it home…I miss you too. I still say you should have come home with me. Mom would have loved to see you. She still can’t believe we are actually together.’ I was rambling. It was really weird that I felt nervous…why did I feel nervous?
‘Maybe next time…we’ll see. Tell her I said hi though.’ She sounded off really quiet.
‘Lex is everything okay? You sound off…’ she laughed but I could tell it was completely forced. I felt my stomach tighten as a million things ran through my mind.
‘I’m fine Kole…really. It is just really quiet here and I just wish you were here.’
So did I…
About that time the front door came open and I looked up to see my mother coming down the front steps walking straight for me. “Are you talking to Lexi?” I just nodded in response.
‘Hey Lex…I’m going to get my things inside and get settled and then I’ll call you…Are you sure you’re okay. I can’t help the feeling that you’re hiding something.’ I heard her take in a deep breath and the fact that my mother was now two feet from me with a concerned look was a little distracting.
“Tell Lexi I said Hi and she needs to come visit soon,” I never had to repeat it back to Lex she heard my mom and she responded.
‘Tell her I said hi and I’ll talk to you later Kole. Have a good weekend with you family really I am fine…bye’ She hung so quickly I couldn’t even say goodbye. I fought the urge to call her right back. Instead I hugged my mother and followed her into the house with a lump lodged in my throat.
Twenty Five
(Lexi)
I knew I did a horrible job at trying to act natural when I talked to Kole. It was the combination of missing him and being alone because Megan decided to go home with Radley which I refused to tell Kole. It would only make him feel horrible about me being here by myself. I knew I should have gone with him but it was too late now. The text messages started about two hours ago. I couldn’t take the chance of seeing Matt which is exactly the reason I turned down the invitation from Kole.
Matt had no idea that Kole and I were together. I just needed to turn my phone off but then Kole would wonder why I didn’t answer his calls and then of course it would lead to him thinking the worst. I should have changed my number but then I would have to admit to everyone that Matt was still harassing me. I hated how they all hovered over me treating me like a victim so I would just erase them like I always did.
I fell back onto my bed and let out a deep frustrated breath. “Chirp”, my cell phone was again indicating another incoming message.
‘You can’t cry rape if you willing went upstairs with me and you knew it was what I wanted…that is not rape. That is just regret for once again being a slut…it’s who you are Lex…A WHORE. You will fuck anyone with a dick. You’ll never change. I have heard about you from around town. You woke up in so many different beds with so many different guys. Hell you have been poked more than a pin cushion…you are dirty and anyone with sense wouldn’t want you. You’re used…and not worth the time.’
I hated that he was getting to me. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and I felt like the room was beginning to close in on me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I wanted a drink. I wanted to clear my head of the garbage. Matt was bringing back the images of how I felt about myself. I had been trying to fight it. Since I have been with Kole things have been easier to forget. He is a great distraction. But at the end of the day when I close my eyes and my mind begins to wonder…I see myself morning after morning waking up after a night of regret. Knowing what I had done but unable to remember the details…for that night I was able to tolerate a touch, a kiss…sex without feeling terrified.
I didn’t have to be numb to be with Kole…when he touched me I didn’t feel dirty or frightened. I actually felt safe and desired. I didn’t deserve the way he looked at me. I was dirty…and a slut.
The longer I sat there the harder it was to fight the urge to get drunk…just to go to nearest bar and lose myself. I had no one here to stop me and no one here to make me feel bad for it. I picked up my phone to call Megan but it went to her voicemail. I couldn’t call Kole again it hadn’t even been an hour since I last talked to him. I didn’t want to be the nagging girlfriend. He needed the time with his family without me interrupting him.
I tried to watch a movie but I couldn’t stop my mind from turning. I tried to eat something but my stomach was in knots. I slipped on m
y jeans and changed my shirt. After I paced my room for over twenty minutes I slowly slid on my shoes and grabbed for my keys.
Pulling up in front of a place called ‘Grubs’ I started to second guess my choice. It didn’t look busy so someone I know seeing me shouldn’t be a problem. Almost everyone had gone home for the weekend. Fuck it…I grabbed my fake ID and money then went inside.
I made my way to the bar and really didn’t pay attention to my surroundings. “What can I get ya sweetheart?” A middle aged guy from behind the bar asked as I sat down on the stool, “Tequila two and a bud light.” He nodded his head and turned to get my drinks. “Hey Russ I got that,” I heard someone say over my left shoulder. I turned to look behind me but he was already lowering himself onto the chair next to me. He was entirely to close and I felt my chest tighten. I had never seen this guy before. He appeared to be maybe in his mid to late twenties. He wasn’t bad looking with his shaggy hair and blue eyes…but he wasn’t Kole.
Kole had really ruined that for me. Now that I had him…no one else seemed to measure up. I found myself comparing every man to him…his height, his build…his dreamy eyes and perfect lips. The way his chest felt under my hands and his broad shoulders.
