by Ron Hubbard
“Brilliant,” said Heller. And, in fact, he was impressed. “Then we kind of own this little piece of the planet.”
“Pretty much,” I said.
“I wish you controlled some of the Caucasus,” he said. “I’d really like to look it over.”
He was hopeless. I smiled indulgently. “Well, tonight we’ll be groundside and you can catch a ride into Afyon and look over our little empire anyway.” I wanted to really test those bugs that Prahd had implanted in him.
“Good,” he said. “Thanks for the conducted tour. I really appreciate it.”
We almost parted friends. On his side, anyway. The poor sap. He might be an expert in his own field. But not in mine. I really had him where I wanted him, over a score of light-years from home and friends and into an area we controlled. He had no Fleet pals here! And I had friends by the thousands!
He might as well get used to Earth. He would never leave it, even if I let him live!
Chapter 6
We slipped down secretly through the darkness toward our base on Planet Earth. I had formulated my instructions. I had them all ready to issue the moment we landed.
That afternoon, I had taken time to think it all over and review policy.
It is a sound maxim in covert operations that when you find you are acting on the orders of an insane person, you take complete stock of your own position in the mess. I had found that, without any slightest doubt, Lom-bar Hisst was a paranoid schizophrenic, compounded by pronounced megalomania, confirmed by aural hallucinations, complicated by probable heroin addiction and consolidated with a consumption of amphetamines: in other words, stark, staring mad. Nuts. Executing any of his commands could be very dangerous.
So I did a little resume of position. I even did it in the proper resume form. I wrote:
RESUME OF POSITION
1. Lombar Hisst needed drugs on Voltar to undermine and overthrow the Voltar government and take power.
1-a. Blito-P3 was the only known source of such drugs.
1-b. The Earth base existed to keep the drugs coming.
2. Delbert John Rockecenter, by nominee, ownership and other means, controlled the pharmaceutical companies of the planet.
2-a. Delbert John Rockecenter, through his banks and another means, controlled, amongst the rest, the Government of Turkey.
2-b. Delbert John Rockecenter’s wealth depended upon oil and the control of all Earth’s energy sources.
2-c. Delbert John Rockecenter could go broke if anyone monkeyed with his energy monopoly.
2-d. Conclusion of 2: If the pharmaceutical monopoly passed into other, less criminal hands, we could be out on our stinking ear!
3. From the viewpoint of Earth, Jettero Heller’s presence here would be extremely beneficial.
3-a. Earth would have cheap and abundant fuel.
3-b. As economic stresses are caused by scarce fuel, then Heller’s technical assistance would, as a side benefit, abruptly end the raging inflation and bring about wide prosperity.
3-c. If Heller changed the fuel type, the air would clean up.
3-d. If Heller did not succeed, the planet would be liable to self-destruct from pollution.
3-e. If word got to the Grand Council that Heller had failed, it would launch an immediate and bloody invasion, costly to Voltar and fatal to Earth, just to prevent the present inhabitants from rendering the target worthless with their filthy housekeeping.
3-f. If Heller succeeded, the threatened invasion would go back on schedule to be undertaken a hundred years from now per the original Invasion Timetable.
3-g. In a hundred years, during which it had abundant and practical fuel, the planet could probably raise itself to a higher technological level and the type of “invasion” Earth would experience then is known as a “PC Type Invasion,” meaning “Peaceful Cooperation” wherein Voltar would just want some bases and would minimally interfere in the planet’s internal affairs. There would be no blood or destruction and everybody would be happy.
3-h. Jettero Heller’s presence on Earth was a Godsend both to Earth and Voltar.
4. Soltan Gris had evidence that Lombar Hisst had put an unknown assassin close to one Soltan Gris.
4-a. If said Soltan Gris did not carry out the orders of said Lombar Hisst, said assassin would emphatically terminate the life of said Soltan Gris with malice aforethought and ferocity!
CONCLUSION: Carry out the exact orders of Lombar Hisst cleverly, painstakingly and with enormous care! And with no questions whatever!
If I do say so myself, it was a brilliant resume of the situation. It covered not only the essentials but every salient point of any importance. A masterpiece!
So down we slid, undetected by the crude surveillance equipment of the primitive planet’s military forces. They have what we call “bow and arrow”-type radar. Easily nullified.
We went through the electronic illusion of the mountaintop right on target. And I will say this, pirate or not, Captain Stabb was a good spaceship handler. We came down on the trundle dolly with only a severe jolt.
The ship vibrated as the trundle dolly moved us over to the side, into a bay within the mountain, clearing the landing target for other arrivals and take-offs.
I patted Captain Stabb on the back. We were fast friends now. “A good groundfall,” I said. “Couldn’t have done it better myself.”
He beamed at me.
“Now, what I want you to do,” I said, “is warn, as a friend, any Apparatus people you meet, that this bird we’re carrying is actually a Crown agent armed with secret orders to execute anybody he finds anything out about. Just tip them off they’d take their life in their hands if they talked to him.”
Oh, Captain Stabb went for that! The moment the airlock was opened, all three hundred pounds of him were down the landing ladder like an earthquake to spread the word while he pretended to be concerned only with clearing us in. A real jewel.
A door swung open down the passageway and Heller climbed up the rungs. “Any objection if I wander around?”
“None, none,” I said cheerfully. “You can even absorb some local color. Here’s a slip so they’ll hand you appropriate clothes at the Garb Section, right down that passageway over there. And why not take a spin around town? It’s early yet. Here’s a transport authorization slip: you can hook on to one of the trucks. Lots of people speak English in Turkey, so that’s okay. You haven’t any papers yet, but nobody will bother you. Just say you’re a new technician at the satellite tracking station. Feel free, have fun, live it up!” I added in commercial English with a gay laugh.
I watched him as he went smoothly down the ladder and disappeared into the Garb Section tunnel. He was just a stupid baby at this game, but after all, I had been a professional for a long time.
My baggage was all ready. I barked for a hangar handler and in minutes I had a motor dolly loaded up and was on my way.
There is one flaw in the Blito-P3 hangar. Earthquakes are common and severe in Turkey and this big of a space disintegrated out of solid rock needs an awful lot of pressure-beam supports. They turn off the cone ones when ships arrive and depart and then they turn them on again. I had not been down here for nearly a year and I had forgotten about them. I was right in the path of one when they were turned back on and it almost knocked me flat. Perhaps this made me a little more exacting and severe than I would have been, for truthfully, I was awfully glad to be out of that (bleeped) tug!
I stopped by the Officers’ Section and grabbed me a trench coat.
Using the exit through the “archaeological workman’s barracks,” I ordered up a “taxi,” piled in my baggage and had the Apparatus driver take me directly to the base commander’s office. It is in a mud hut near the International Agricultural Training Center for Peasants. It seems to be accepted that he is its superintendent. That excuses all the traffic in and out of his place, for peasants come there to be trained — in how to raise a lot more opium for a lot less price.
The Turks
are actually Mongols. The word Turk is really a corruption of their original name, “the T’u-Kin,” which is Chinese. They invaded Asia Minor in about the tenth century, Earth time. But they don’t look Chinese and they invaded and commingled in an area that already had hundreds of other racial types, so it is very simple to find, in the Voltar Confederacy of a hundred and ten planets, vast numbers of people who can pass for Turks.
The base commander was one of these. His real name was Faht, so he calls himself Faht Bey — the Turks put “Bey” after their names for some reason. He had grown pretty plump on his easy post. He had a fat wife and an oversized old Chevy car and western-style over-stuffed furniture that would take his weight and he was pretty comfortable. He was wanted for a mass murder on Flisten and any thought of being relieved as base commander scared him into waves of shaking fat.
Obviously, the sudden news of my arrival, of which he had had no warning word, had perspired ten pounds off him in the last hour since the ship had called in for permission to land.
He was at the door when I came in. He was mopping his face with a huge silk handkerchief and bowing and trying to open the door wider and quivering all at the same time.
Ah, the joys of being an officer from headquarters! It scares the daylights out of people!
His wife got through the door with a tray bearing both tea and coffee and almost spilled them. Faht Bey was trying to wipe off a seat for me with his handkerchief — which only greased the chair up.
“Officer Gris,” he quavered in a high-pitched voice. “I mean Sultan Bey,” he quickly added, using my Turkish name. “I am delighted to see you. I trust you are well, that you have been well, that you will be well and that everything is all right!” (By the last he really meant, “Am I still base commander or are you carrying orders to have me disposed of?”)
I put his mind at ease at once. I threw down my orders. “I have been appointed Inspector General Overlord of all operations related to Blito-P3 — I mean Earth! At the slightest hint that you are not doing your job, cooperating and obeying me implicitly, I will have you disposed of.”
He sat down so hard in his overstuffed office chair, it almost collapsed. He looked at the orders. He was ordinarily quite swarthy. Now he was gray. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.
“We can dispense with formalities,” I said. “Get on your phone. Make three calls into Afyon right away. Your usual contacts, the cafe bartenders. Tell them that you have just received a secret tip that a young man, about six feet two in height, blond hair and passing himself off as a satellite technician, is actually an agent of the United States Drug Enforcement Agency, the DEA, and that he is here prying around and not to talk to him.”
Faht Bey was on that phone like a shot.
The local natives are very friendly with us. They overlook everything. They cooperate one hundred percent. They, and even the commander of the local army barracks, think we are really the Mafia. It puts us in all the way.
Faht Bey finished and looked up like an obedient dog,
“Now,” I said, “call two local toughs, give them the description and tell them to find him and beat him up.”
Faht Bey tried to protest. “But the DEA is always friendly with us! We have every agent they got in Turkey on our payroll! And, Sultan Bey, we don’t want no dead bodies in any alleys in Afyon! The police might hear of it and they’d have to go to work and they wouldn’t like that!”
I could see why they needed an Inspector General Overlord!
But Faht Bey was just quavering right on. “If you want somebody killed, why don’t you just do the usual and take him up to the archaeological dig…”
I had to shout at him. “I didn’t say kill him! I just said to beat him up. He’s got to learn it’s an unfriendly place!”
That was different. “Oh, he ain’t really a DEA man!”
“No, you idiot. He’s a Crown agent! If he learns anything, it could be your head!”
Oh, that really was different! Worse. But he made the call.
When he finished, he nervously drank both the tea and the coffee his wife had set out for me. It was nice to know how thoroughly I could upset him. I gloated. It was so different from Voltar!
“Now, are my old quarters ready?”
This upset him further. I finally got it out of him. “That dancing girl you had there got to playing around with anybody and she gave the (bleep) to four guards and stole some of your clothes and ran off.”
Well, women always were unfaithful. And factually, there aren’t any real dancing girls left in Turkey. They’ve all emigrated elsewhere and what remains are just the bawds in the big city, not real belly dancers. “Get on that phone to our contact in the Istanbul Sirkeci quarter and have him ship one in on the morning plane.”
Faht Bey’s wife came in with some more tea and coffee. Now that important things were cared for, I sat down and drank some of the coffee. It was as thick as syrup to begin with and the heaps of sugar in it made it almost solid.
The base commander was through so I said, “Are Raht and Terb here?”
He bobbed his head. “Raht is. Terb is in New York.”
I produced Lombar’s now-sealed orders to Raht. “Give these to Raht. Have him on the morning plane to the U.S. Give him plenty of expense money as he’s going to Virginia to get something ready.”
“I don’t know if I can get him a seat,” said Faht Bey. “Turkish airlines…”
“You’ll get him a seat,” I said.
He bobbed his head. Yes, he would get him a seat.
“Now,” I said, “speaking of money, here is an order.” I threw it on the desk. It was a pretty good order. I had typed it myself on the tug’s administrative machine. It said:
KNOW ALL:
The Inspector General Overlord must be advanced any and all funds he asks for any time he asks for them without any such (bleeped) fool things as signatures and receipts. It is up to the Inspector General Overlord how he spends them. And that’s that!
Finance Office
COORDINATED INFORMATION APPARATUS, VOLTAR
I had even forged a signature and identoplate stamp nobody could read. It would never go back to Voltar. Voltar doesn’t even know these Blito-P3 funds exist. Clever.
It made him blink a bit. But he took it and put it in his files and then, because I was holding out my hand, went into the back room where he kept his safe.
“Ten thousand Turkish lira and ten thousand dollars United States will do for a start,” I called after him.
He brought them out and laid the wads in my hand and I stuffed them in the pocket of my trench coat.
“Now,” I said, “open that top drawer of your desk and take out the Colt .45 automatic you keep there and hand it over.”
“It’s my own gun!”
“Steal another off some Mafia hit man,” I said. “That’s where you got this one. You wouldn’t want me to violate Space Code Number a-36-544 M Section B, would you? Alien disclosure?”
He did as he was told. He even added two extra loaded clips. I checked the weapon out. I had seen the gun there a year ago when I was snooping in his desk looking for blackmail data. It was a U.S. Army 1911A1.
But a year ago I didn’t have the rank I had now. That he had taken it off the Mafia was pure guess. But sure enough, it had three notches filed into the butt plate.
I wanted to reassure him. No sense in making him too panicky. I cocked and spun the .45 expertly and pulled the trigger. There was no bullet under the firing pin, of course. And the barrel had wound up pointed at his stomach, not his head. The gun just went click. “Bull’s-eye!” I said in English, laughing.
He wasn’t laughing. “Timyjo Faht,” I said, using his Flisten police-blotter name, and speaking in a mixture of Voltarian and English, “you and I are going to get along just fine. So long, of course, as you do everything I tell you, break your (bleep) to see to my creature comforts and keep your nose clean. There’s nothing illegal you can do that I can�
��t do better. So what I want around here is respect.” He also speaks English. He also deals with the Mafia. So he got my point.
I gave the Colt .45 another twirl and put it in my trench coat pocket just like I’d seen an actor called Humphrey Bogart do in an old Earth film last year.
I went back to my waiting “taxi.” I got in. In American, I said, “Home, James, and step on it!”
For, in truth, I was home. This was my kind of country. Of all the places in the universe I’d been, this was the one place that really appreciated my type. Here, I was their kind of hero. And I loved it.
Chapter 7
I rode through the sultry night, the air like soft, black velvet on my face. To the right and left of me the sunflowers flashed along in the headlights. And beyond them, nicely obscured from the casual passing tourist, were the vast expanses of Papaver somniferum, the deadly opium poppies, the reason the Apparatus had settled here in the first place.
It is an interesting story as it sheds some insight on how the Apparatus works, and tonight, when we found ourselves held up by a procession of badly tail-lit carts, I went over it.
Long ago, an Apparatus cultural and technical survey crew, made up of a subofficer and three Apparatus peoplographers, had been interrupted by the outbreak of what they call, on Earth, World War I. They had missed their pickup ship, were unable to get to the rendezvous and thereafter had dodged across this border and that, taking advantage of the turmoils of war. They had gotten into Russia when it was writhing with revolution and had fallen south through the Caucasus and, from Armenia, had crossed the border into Turkey.
They had hidden out on the slopes of Buyuk Agri, a 16,946-foot peak known otherwise as Mount Ararat. They put their call-in signal there in the hopes that its steady radio beep and the prominence of the mountain would eventually bring an Apparatus search ship.
But the war came to an end and still no rescue ship, so, pretty chilled with altitude and privation, they slogged their way westward, vowing amongst them not to stop until they found warmer weather. It must have been a bitter trip as the high plateau of eastern Turkey is no garden spot. But they made it, assisted by the fact that Turkey, which had been in the war on the wrong side, was in the chaos of defeat and victor dismemberment. They came at length to Afyon. It was warmer. And before them they saw the remarkable tall black rock and fortress, Afyonkarahisar. They put their call-in signal up in the ruins and made shift to survive, hiding in the war-ripped countryside. They could actually speak Turkish by this time and the land abounded with deserters.
