So on Thursday, Pasquini told me I’d run junior varsity this Saturday. Told me I’d run behind Aaron and Tor during the race. That’s when Aaron told me not to see Carolina last night. I invited her to the race to make up for canceling our Friday night plans. She understood. She always understood. We video chatted and texted the whole night. Maybe Aaron was right, I would have gotten tired kissing her like we usually do. I got tired just wanting to kiss her.
But now that I was at the starting line, waiting for them to fire the gun, I wished I hadn’t invited Carolina. I’d forgotten how dorky these uniforms were. I could see her holding Lily’s hand and waving at me, but she must have been thinking she wished I played football. Football uniforms are cool. Football players are cool. What high school movie ever had the cool hero run around in big circles for three miles? Even though I was starting to like cross-country, maybe even really like it, maybe I should quit. Carolina was too great to have a boyfriend who was a dorky cross-country runner.
Bam.
Starter fired the gun. Brain went simple. Found the back of Aaron, looked at his shoulder, and ran. Ran. Ran. Didn’t notice anything else. Trees, I guess. Grass, then sidewalk, then grass, more grass, dirt, grass again. But really I just hung behind Aaron. Lingered, remember? That’s what I did. Carolina’s face painted itself on the insides of my eyeballs. So that was there. That would always be there, wouldn’t it? It would. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Thought it every breath. Twice. Breathed it in, breathed it out.
Aaron was slowing. I didn’t feel a thing. Not pain even. I felt like we had just started.
“Go, Pain, go,” Aaron said to me. “The kid from York, get in behind him.” So I moved around Aaron to the right, didn’t even see Tor—he must have fallen off a long time ago without me noticing. There was a thirty-yard gap between Aaron and the lead pack of five kids. Kid from York was in the back. I kicked it to catch them. The space was empty and foreign. Free but lonely. That’s when my legs whined. I liked it. Liked that I could still feel pain. Carolina. Carolina. Carolina. Caught the lead pack quick. Settled in. Waited. I would see her soon. Couldn’t stop seeing her in my head. Never wanted to stop seeing her in reality or fantasy.
Everyone rounded between two planted flags. A long straight stretch came into view. The finish was there. Was she waiting? Was she cheering for me? Go, Pain, go. Kicked in a second time. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, I went by four kids from the lead pack within twenty strides. The kid at the front had started his kick before I realized a kick could be started. He was skinny but strong, with perfect form, and could probably run another fifty miles. But I only needed to make it another two hundred meters. Go, Pain, go.
Kicked harder, toes clawed into the ground. Catching him. Catching him. Carolina. Pain. Catch him. Carolina. Go. Pain. Go. Carolina. Get him. Get her.
Got him.
Won.
Outkicked them all.
Fell hard. Couldn’t breathe. Coach Pasquini fell on his knees beside me, held up my head, and said, “You special son of a bitch,” then let my head drop back down into the dirt. He left as Lily fell in his place by my side. She was crying.
“Is he hurt? Are you hurt, Trevor?” Lily was screaming. Then I saw Carolina behind her, then down on the ground beside her. Beside me. Her knees were touching my legs. I could feel it everywhere. Carolina was grabbing my hand, squeezing it.
She said, “He’s not hurt, Lily. He’s just tired because he ran the most amazing race ever.”
“He won! Trevor, you won!” Lily started slapping my chest.
I said, “I had to, you were watching.”
Carolina squeezed my hand again.
39
Carolina panic Googles
When the Santoses dropped me back off at my house after the race, I went to my computer and typed into Google “How do I make sure my boyfriend loves me forever?” All the answers were terrible. Either about feeding him or making sure you were good in bed. The smartest answers basically said, “You can’t,” but that didn’t help me right now! My boyfriend was going to be a model and an Olympian and the most amazing person in history. I needed to make sure I kept him happy and loving me for the rest of eternity STARTING NOW!
“How was the race?” my dad said after knocking on my door.
“Trevor won. He beat everyone. He told me it was just the junior varsity race, but he’s only a freshman, and he was the best, and he’s going to be famous and I probably have to be famous to make sure he stays my boyfriend.”
My dad laughed.
“It’s not funny, Dad!” I called him Dad. Gosh. I must be super stressed.
He sat on my bed next to my desk. “Kiddo, that’s great that Trevor won. Hopefully he does become a great, famous runner. Which will be good because when you are a famous soccer player and doctor—”
“I don’t want to be a doctor anymore! I just want to be with him!”
“Carolina,” he said, grabbing my hand. “Healthy relationships require people to have passions outside of the relationship.”
“Can you just leave me alone?” I said because I didn’t want ANY advice about healthy relationships from him.
“Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine. I just love him so much.”
“Have you told him that?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“BECAUSE HE HASN’T SAID IT TO ME! You are making it so much worse!”
“Okay. I’m sorry. I love you, you know that?”
“You have to. You’re my dad. He doesn’t have to love me. And when a million other girls love him, why would he love just me?” Oh boy, I think I started crying. Why did I cry about everything?
“Carolina,” my dad said, laughing again. Laughing! My dad found my future broken heart funny! “I bet right now, Trevor is thinking, ‘Carolina looked so pretty at the race. That’s why I had to win. So she would love me. So she would think I was worthy of her love.’ I bet he’s thinking that.”
“He is not!”
“Call him.”
“I’ll text him.” So I did.
ME
I can’t stop thinking about how
amazing you were today.
And then I waited. Forevvver. But my dad stayed and waited with me, so it must not have been that long. Then my phone beeped and it said:
TREVOR
I can’t stop thinking about how
amazing you are EVERY day.
“Oh my God! Dad! See! See how he’s the greatest person in the world? See why I love him? See why I can’t ever lose him?”
“Was I right?”
“Yeah, I guess, SORT OF,” I said, because he wasn’t one hundred percent right. Maybe he was. But Trevor’s amazing text didn’t prove it totally. Just mostly.
“I was right. You know it. Which means your dad is the wisest person on the planet. Which means you have to trust me when I say: That boy is the luckiest boy in the world to have you and he knows it.”
“Oh, Dad…”
“I know, kiddo.”
“I love you,” I said, which I had not said for a looong time, even before I kicked him out. He smiled. I could tell it made him feel so good. It was nice to make him feel good after he did basically the best thing he had ever done for me. Ever.
* * *
My mom drove me over to Trevor’s at five. She asked, “Why don’t you two ever come to our house?”
“Because they have a basement where we can be by ourselves.”
“Your dad and I can go to the kitchen or our bedroom.”
“Mom, that’s, like, three feet from the living room. You would hear everything.”
“Carolina, you’re not having sex, are you?”
“Mom! No! We just talk!”
“You don’t just talk. I’m not an idiot.”
“We kiss! Okay. Gosh.”
“All you do is kiss?” she said. She didn’t believe
me. I mean, yes, we went up each other’s shirts and we kind of caressed each other over our jeans and stuff, but it was really just kissing—I mean, not really just kissing, but it wasn’t sex or anything like that, so I said, “Yes! Just kissing! You think I’m a ho? I’m not a ho, Mom!”
“Ho? I’ve never heard you use that word before.”
“Other kids use it. I never do because I’ve always done everything you want. And I still do, but you make me feel bad about myself.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, and her face grew very still, like she had been slapped. I hate when I make my mom feel hurt.
“Mom, I’m growing up, but I’ll be okay, I promise, okay?”
“Okay.”
“You are the greatest mom. You give me lots of good advice. I promise. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said. She was too sad to talk anymore. Only my dad and I could make her like this. My brother was always so nice to her. He never hurt her feelings like this. But I couldn’t stress about both making my mom feel better AND making Trevor love me forever, so I just drove with her in silence until she dropped me off.
* * *
After we ate Indian food with Lily on the main floor (Trevor’s parents had gone out to dinner and left us to babysit), we watched Finding Nemo on DVD with her and then Trevor told her it was time for bed.
“Okay, I’ll go to bed,” Lily said, “but, Carolina, can you please tuck me in?”
“Of course,” I said, and she took me by the hand upstairs to her bedroom. Her room was a hundred times bigger than mine with new fancy furniture and for a second I was jealous, but then I didn’t want to be jealous so I stopped. After Lily got into her pajamas, she leaped onto the bed, flung up the covers, and slid inside.
“You’re my favorite girl in the world,” Lily said.
“You’re my favorite too,” I said, which was true. I think.
“Are you going to marry Trevor so we can be best friends when we are grown-up?”
“Maybe. We are only freshmen.” I couldn’t possibly tell her that I wanted to MARRY HIM TOMORROW.
“I know. You’re right. I’m so hilarious,” she said. “It’s just that Trevor was so sad before he met you. All the time. And now he’s happy, and I want him to be happy forever.”
“He makes me so happy too,” I said. I wanted to ask why he was sad before me, but I couldn’t say the words. I don’t even know why. Maybe I didn’t want to know? Why wouldn’t I want to know?
“I love you, Carolina. Good night.” Lily hugged me and then flopped down onto the bed.
“I love you too.” I then patted down the covers and turned off the light.
By the time I got down to the basement, Trevor had fallen asleep. At first I was upset because I thought it meant he didn’t want to spend time with me. But then I remembered he’d had a big day and I liked that he could rest with me there. We were so close he could sleep in front of me. It made me feel so mature. I watched him sleeping for a long time, maybe a minute, and thought about how much I loved him, and then I wanted to be near him and not just watch him. I lifted his arm up so I could snuggle next to him. Except that woke him up. He jerked up, embarrassed.
“I’m so sorry, I…”
“You look cute when you sleep,” I said as I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around him.
“Thank you for being so great with Lily,” he said.
“I love her,” I said, which felt weird to say to him. We hadn’t told each other “I love you,” but I was saying I loved his sister? And while I was thinking about this, he kissed me. Oh gosh, I loved kissing Trevor. But tonight I was going to do more than kissing.
40
Trevor has a talk with his mom
After the race, my parents took Carolina and Lily home. I had to stay and watch the varsity meet and take the bus home with the team. Todd Kishkin got third in the varsity race. His time was better than mine by over a minute, but I still won and he finished third. I didn’t say anything except in my own head. Both varsity and junior varsity teams finished second out of twelve teams. On the drive back, Pasquini told us it was the best our school had ever done at the invitational in the thirty-two years we had been going.
Back at school, my mom was waiting for me in her Infiniti. By herself. No Dad, no Lily, no Carolina.
“Where’s Carolina?” I asked.
“We dropped her off at her house. You’ll get to see her tonight.”
“Where’s Dad and Lily?”
“I wanted to talk to you alone,” she said. Fantastic. My mother wanted to “talk.” Alone. I didn’t even know what that meant to her.
“What about?”
“It’s not a bad thing, Trevor. I … just wanted to talk about some stuff I know your dad won’t talk to you about.” Now I was getting frustrated.
“Like what?” She made everything so goddamn difficult.
“Can you please not be so defensive? I’m trying to be a good mom. But also … a mom that’s not clueless.”
“Fine. Let’s talk. Talk.”
“Let’s get something to eat. What do you want?”
“A roast beef sandwich.”
“Great.” My mom then drove us to a deli in Northbrook that we had never been to before. After we ordered at the counter, we waited in silence until they handed us my sandwich and two drinks, then we sat in a corner booth away from the windows. I didn’t want anyone seeing me having lunch with my mom. I don’t know why, I just didn’t.
“Are you ready?” my mom said, breathing in deep and laughing at the same time. She was so freaky!
“Just talk.”
“Carolina…” she began, then stopped.
“Yeah?” If she tells me to not date Carolina, I might never speak to her again.
“She’s great.”
“I know she’s great, Mom.”
“You’re speaking so coldly to me.”
“You’re being really strange!”
“I’m sorry. We don’t talk much. I’m bad at it. And I know you think I’m a pathetic person.”
“I don’t.”
“You do. It’s okay. I’d hate me too if I was you.”
“I don’t hate you.” Which was true. I just didn’t … trust her.
“Trevor … you’re getting older now. I can see it. You’re smart. Different smart than most kids. Like me. Like I was in high school—”
I wanted to say, I’m nothing like you, but now I didn’t want to say anything to her.
She continued, “So I feel like we can have more mature conversations. No one ever treated me like an adult when I was in high school, so I acted even more adult than I should have to prove I was an adult. Does that make sense?”
Not at all. But I just shrugged.
“Okay. Let me start over. Carolina … She loves you.”
“She likes me, she hasn’t said—”
“She loves you. I can see it. She is so in love with you, she can hardly function.”
“I love her, Mom! And I’m not going to stop!” Why was I yelling?
“I know. I know. I’m not saying you should. I’m saying let’s talk about what’s happening.”
“She’s my girlfriend.”
“I know, Trevor. I meant, let’s talk about what’s happening emotionally and … sexually.”
Crapping fucking crap, this was a “sex talk”? My mom is so goddamn awkward I want to punch myself in the face.
She continued, because I sure as hell wasn’t saying a word. “Trevor, your dad thinks you know better. He thinks when he says, ‘be careful,’ to you, that is all you need to hear so you’ll wait until you’re married to have sex.”
“We’re not having sex!” I yelled but in a whisper.
“Okay, okay. That’s good. It has only been a month. That’s good. But you’re not going to wait until you’re married either, are you?”
“Mom, crap. God, can we not talk about this?”
“Let me be more direct. You’re definitely not going to wait until you’
re married. Your dad doesn’t really think you will either. I was making a point. He thinks you’ll wait until college like he did. But that was a different era, and he’s a different person. His parents were very religious and he grew up in a very poor neighborhood, so he had to do whatever he needed to do to get out. That meant not even thinking about girls until he got to college. Your dad is also different from you. He thinks because you are both boys that you’re the same, and that Lily is like me. But Lily is her father’s daughter. Very linear and measured. You and I are … creative … and passionate.…”
“Mom,” I started even though I didn’t have anything else to say. I just wanted her to stop. My brain was filling with anger and images too quickly for me to control. I had to stop eating. I felt nauseated. I was going to puke all over the table.
“I got a boyfriend my first month of freshman year too. His name was Mark. He was a senior. I thought I was so special. Too special for anyone my age. Plus Mark was the captain of the basketball team, student council vice president. It made so many girls jealous. Which I loved. My parents thought he was great. His parents were very well-off. So my mom and dad thought I was suddenly so grown-up. Which I also loved. But Mark wasn’t very nice to me when we were alone. He’d tell me I was stupid. That I wasn’t pretty. That I was immature. Especially if I didn’t do what he wanted.”
“Mom…” I said, again not really knowing what else to say. Then I did. “Did he…?”
“Oh … not … that. No. He didn’t force me … physically. But we had sex on our third date. He had made me feel that if I didn’t, I would be worthless without him. It was painful and I cried when I got home that night. He never cared how I felt. Never cared about if it was pleasurable for me. We must have had sex a hundred times my freshman year, and I hated it every time. I loved him. I told myself I did. A girl has to love the boy she’s having sex with or she’ll hate herself. Mark dumped me before he went to college. I cried, but even then I don’t think I was sad about being dumped. Just sad about everything. After Mark, I’d either date boys who were so boring and weak I could control them or I’d date ‘cool’ boys who treated me like garbage. I was dating college boys by the time I was sixteen and thirty-year-olds by the time I was in college. But it didn’t matter how old they were, they would either bore me or hurt me.”
Forever for a Year Page 16
