I started crying. Gosh, I cried so much. I screamed out, “Mom, he’s your son!”
“Carrie, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Heath said. So calm. He was always so calm and wise. He guided me off his lap, back to my chair, and then took both my mom’s hands in his. “Mom…”
“Oh, honey, I love you so much,” she said, crying more than me. So much that I stopped.
“I know,” he said.
“I just want you to not get hurt by people.”
“I know.”
“Or made fun of or anything bad. Is there any way you can like girls?”
“No,” Heath said, and laughed.
“But—”
“Mom, I’ll be okay.”
“He’ll be better than okay,” my dad said.
“Dad, not now,” Heath said.
“She needs to know her son is perfect the way he is.”
“She knows.” Heath kept holding on to my mom’s hands.
“She needs to know—” my dad started.
But Heath interrupted and shot his words back, “She needs not to get a lecture from you right now.”
Gosh was Heath amazing. But I couldn’t believe he was gay. And then, I guess, I believed it.
* * *
My mom eventually stopped crying and apologized one thousand times. You could tell she was still scared, like terrified, but also that she wasn’t anti-gay or anything. Just anti her son having to endure anti-gay people. But Heath was really smart and explained that the world was different than when she was his age. He said that every day someone openhearted was born to replace someone closed-minded who died. (My brother should be a writer, don’t you think?)
Later, after my mom had gone to work and Heath had left to meet some friends, I asked my dad how long he had known Heath was gay.
“Probably since he was eight or so.”
“How could you tell?” I asked.
“If you pay attention, almost everyone will tell you who they are without saying a word. And it’s your job, as their parent or sister or friend, to embrace whoever that person wants to be,” he said. My dad did lecture too much, but he was also brilliant, so I didn’t really mind at a moment like this.
56
Trevor puts it closer and closer
After we got home from my grandmother’s Christmas night, Carolina came over. She said hello to my parents and good night to Lily and then we went into the basement.
“Guess what?” she said. “I think we should go on a double date with Art and Bryan.”
“I don’t think they’re a couple,” I said.
“Everyone says they’re a couple. It doesn’t even matter. I just think we should be supportive of the gay community.”
“Okay.” She wasn’t making a whole lot of sense.
“Guess what else?”
“What?”
“My brother’s gay,” she said.
“That’s cool,” I said. What else should I say? I had gay friends back in California. It wasn’t a big deal. But I guess it was a bigger deal here.
“I mean, I just found out.”
“Oh. How do you feel?”
“Good. I’m really happy for him.”
“So you’re happy for him for being who he is?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Cool. I’m happy for you that you are who you are, then.” I tickled her just because.
“I’m serious, Trevor.”
“I am too.”
“I don’t want anyone to pretend they aren’t themselves.”
“Me either.”
“So if you were gay, I would totally still love you,” she said.
“Are you being serious?”
“I’m just saying, I love you for whoever you are.”
“I like girls, Carolina. Well, one girl. See?” And I grabbed her hand and put it on my penis. Which was hard. It almost always was when we went into the basement. I wasn’t even embarrassed about it anymore.
But Carolina didn’t keep her hand there. She pulled it back and got sad. “Trevor, I want you to know everything about me.”
Oh, crap. Was she about to tell me she liked girls? No. No … right? No. But … what?
She said, “My parents almost got divorced. My dad cheated on my mom. They’re better now. They’re more in love than ever. But I want you to know that I don’t come from this perfect family. My brother’s perfect. I’m not saying we’re not perfect because he’s gay. I’m saying we’re not perfect because my dad and mom almost got divorced.”
I didn’t know what to say. I should have told her about my mom. About her trying to kill herself. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t say it. Parents got divorced all the time. Who cares? But someone trying to kill herself was so much worse. So much harder to understand.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?” she asked.
“I don’t think anyone is perfect, Carolina. Besides you.” I tried to smile.
“So you don’t think I’m damaged now because of my parents?”
“I think you are even more awesome because you are who you are despite their crap,” I said.
Carolina hugged me, then kept her head against my chest. Then she said, “So you would tell me anything I don’t know about you, right?”
Crap. “I will,” I said, which didn’t feel like such a lie because “I will” could mean I would tell her about future stuff but also about past stuff in the future.
* * *
Carolina and I spent almost every night of Christmas break together. We studied a little for the finals that would happen a couple weeks later, but mostly we watched movies and got naked and did all sorts of sex stuff besides actual sex. I went and kissed her down there, which she liked and moaned and giggled. But she didn’t orgasm. It drove me nuts that I couldn’t make Carolina orgasm. I mean, I want to be a good boyfriend. I want to be able to make her happy! She said she was. She said how good she felt. She repeated how the internet said it was rare for girls to come with boys at first. But that didn’t make me feel any better. It just made me feel like I wasn’t even a unique failure, just an average one.
But everything Carolina did for me was amazing. She started keeping lotion in her purse, which was a lot better than just her dry hand. And she would kiss it if I asked. (I didn’t ask every night or else she would think I was selfish.) We also tried a bunch of other stuff, like putting me between her breasts (which were getting bigger I think) and between her butt cheeks. (Not in her butt. But sliding … Forget it.) It was all good. But just for something different. Her mouth was still the best. But even then, I wished I could kiss her while she was kissing it. Which I supposed was why people had sex. We were going to wait. But then we started putting “me” near “her.” Just touching. Except we never put it in. Never. And we wouldn’t talk about it either. I promised I was going to talk about it. But I didn’t. It was too scary to talk about. So we just kept getting closer and closer and I didn’t know which one of us was going to stop when the next step closer was actual sex.
57
Carolina gets a New Year’s text
For New Year’s Eve, Trevor and I went to a party at his sophomore friend Aaron’s house. His family was rich. Richer than Trevor’s. How do people get so much money? I don’t understand. Anyway. They had a big indoor pool so we all brought our swimsuits even though it was cold outside. There was lots of good food and loud music but his parents were there so there was no alcohol. I didn’t drink, and didn’t want to drink, but parties seemed more fun when other people were drinking. Does that make me sound dumb? Maybe. I don’t know. It was a great party, but it felt like a junior high party not a high school one, even though almost everyone there was older than me.
We all swam together at first. I wore a bikini and everyone said it looked nice but some of the older girls had much more developed boobs so I didn’t feel that sexy. After twenty minutes where the couples sort of made out and flirted in the pool, which was cute, all the boys started showing off and
doing flips and playing rough so it got boring and I got out and watched. That’s when I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize:
UNKNOWN
happy new year’s, freshman
I almost for sure knew who it was, but I still texted back:
ME
Who IS this?
Then he texted back:
UNKNOWN
you know
Annoying! Gosh! Yes, I knew it was Alexander Taylor. The weirdo junior who wore ties and thought dirty thoughts in his eyes.
ME
Maybe I do
Then:
ALEXANDER TAYLOR
where are you? i’ll come pick you up
WAIT A MINUTE! He thought I would just let him come get me? Was he crazy? Was he insane? I was with Trevor! I would never leave Trevor to go with him! I didn’t know him at all! THEN WHY WAS I WISHING I COULD SAY YES? Because I’m not a good person. I’m not. I pretend I am. But I’m not. I’m such a jerk. I had the greatest boyfriend ever and I was texting some psycho junior who would probably murder me. But probably not. We probably would just drive around and talk and he would have interesting things to say and it would be weird but it would be so different. And he would try to kiss me and I wouldn’t let him because I’m in love with Trevor, but I would like that he tried.
Another text:
ALEXANDER TAYLOR
i need an address, freshman
My heart was racing so fast I thought it would burst out of my chest and leap into the pool and Trevor would scream and I would die and he would look at my phone and see that I was text cheating on him.
“Who are you texting, babe?” Trevor said, and I quickly erased the conversation and looked up and saw that Trevor was out of the pool—I hadn’t even noticed!—and drying off.
“Kendra,” I said. I lied. Gosh, I should be punished for being such a liar.
“Why don’t you invite her?” Trevor said.
“She never wants to come to parties, but okay,” I said, and texted her just because it made it look like I’d already been texting her. Kendra asked if there was drinking and I said no and so she said she would come. My phone kept buzzing with texts as I waited for Kendra to arrive, but I knew it was Alexander Taylor not Kendra, so I pretended I wasn’t dying to know what he was texting and just left it in my purse.
After Kendra arrived, I forgot about Alexander Taylor’s texts, which was a relief, and remembered how nice it was to talk to real girlfriends outside school since I hadn’t in so long. But then these two sophomore boys started flirting with Kendra, and Trevor was back in the pool being silly. So I was alone. No one flirted with me because Trevor and I were going to spend forever together and no boy flirts with a girl who’s already promised to spend forever with another boy.
I went to the bathroom so I could look at the texts from Alexander without anyone noticing. I should be arrested. I know. But it also made me really excited, so I did it anyway. There were like a hundred texts, including:
ALEXANDER TAYLOR
answer me, freshman
don’t be a tease, freshman
send me a picture
send me a sexy picture
don’t be a freshman, freshman
i know you’re thinking about me
That was the worst. Because it was true. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about him? It was so dumb and so wrong and I wished I could think about anything besides Alexander Taylor and what it would be like to be with him somewhere, anywhere, instead of here with Trevor.
I didn’t text Alexander back anything. I erased what he sent and hoped he didn’t send me any more, but then I hoped he’d send me another text that very second. I’m a crazy person, aren’t I? I went back out to the pool and found all the girls were back in the water, even Kendra, and Trevor was picking up and throwing this sophomore girl named Jamie, who was super short and heavy but had a pretty face and super, super, super-big boobs and I could see Trevor’s eyes watch her boobs every time she jumped up after the splash. HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO ME? But then I remembered my texts with Alexander and stopped being mad, sort of, and then I jumped into the water and made sure I was the only girl Trevor picked up the rest of the party.
58
Trevor doesn’t answer a call
I don’t know who Carolina was texting while I was in the pool, but it wasn’t Kendra. She had this look on her face. This smile. It looked so … interested. So that’s why I got out, to try to see. But then I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing, so I asked. And she lied. I know she did. My mom has lied to me enough so I know when someone lies. I always know. I wish I didn’t know when people lied. I hate being able to see the truth even when everyone else can’t.
But who could it have been? Peggy? But why would she have lied about Peggy? Was it another boy? What boy? I had never seen her flirt with or talk to any boy at school. But I wasn’t with Carolina all the time. Maybe I should follow her. Yep. Maybe I should spy on her in her classes. That sounds so creepy. Screw it. Screw it, okay? Yep. So then when she left the pool area, I started talking to this girl Jamie who I had no interest in whatsoever but was nice and clearly lonely because no other boys were talking to her. All the boys started throwing their girlfriends and dunking them so I did it to Jamie and it made her happy and … okay, I started looking at her chest, but only when she had her eyes closed from the water. I loved Carolina’s body, but Jamie’s boobs were so … bouncy. Is that creepy too? Carolina had come back when I wasn’t looking. Had she seen me looking at Jamie’s boobs? Who cares? She lied to me so I don’t care. Carolina jumped in and got all kissy and girlfriendy, so maybe she didn’t. And then I got horny and didn’t want to think about who she was texting, or fight about it, because I wanted to get naked with her later. Goddamn, I wish I didn’t get so excited every time Carolina kissed me with tongue. I’d be a much stronger person, and if I was a stronger person she’d probably never lie to me.
* * *
It always seemed like the world was going to end when it was a new year. I didn’t even know why I felt like that. Whatever. Was I getting negative again? What was wrong with me? I couldn’t even tell. It was just … something didn’t seem right anymore. Carolina lied to me, and I looked at another girl’s boobs. I guess that’s what wasn’t right. Maybe that would cause the world to end. That sounded stupid. But I didn’t fucking care.
We went back to school on Wednesday, January 2. Three days of classes, then finals the next week. What moron schedules finals after a two-week Christmas break? They expect us to remember all the crap they’ve been making us memorize for four months after not thinking about it for two weeks? Why was I complaining about this? Why did I feel like complaining about everything?
On Thursday night, my dad was out of town and my mom said she was seeing a play in Chicago with some girlfriends—lie!—so Lily and I ordered pizza and watched Netflix. She said, “You seem sad, Trevor.”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you and Carolina fighting?”
“No.” Which was true. We just weren’t … in last year anymore.
“You should tell her you’re sad.”
“I’m not sad, Lily!”
“You only yell at me when you’re sad!” Then Lily ran to her bedroom and locked the door. I didn’t care. Yes, I did. Lily always made me care.
“I’m texting Carolina!” I screamed super loud so Lily could hear me. Then I sent:
ME
I need to tell you something
Carolina texted me back a few minutes later. We hadn’t been texting “I love you” as much. Texts were always right to the point, so hers was:
CAROLINA
What?
Lily returned, standing in the archway to the family room as I texted:
ME
I’ll do it in person
One second later:
CAROLINA
Oh my gosh what’s wrong?! Are you
mad at me? Tell me now, Trevor!!!
But I didn’t even
know what I was going to tell her anymore. That I was sad? Screw that. About how I knew she lied on New Year’s Eve? I don’t know … maybe. But … I just felt dumb. I didn’t want to fight with her. I wanted her to love me forever. I couldn’t believe how cheesy I was. And weak. And stupid. While I was thinking what to text, Carolina called. Called. We never called. She was worried. Worried I was mad at her.
But I didn’t pick up.
“Why aren’t you answering, Trevor?” Lily asked. Except I still didn’t answer. I just looked at her name on my phone. I liked that Carolina was worried. I liked that she thought I was mad at her and it was making her call me. “She’s going to think something’s really wrong, Trevor!” Lily ran over and jumped on me, trying to answer the phone for me. But I leaped to my feet and held the phone out of her reach. Then it stopped ringing. And then it buzzed with a text and another and another—
CAROLINA
Trevor! Why aren’t you answering?
Trevor!
Talk to me!
Why are you mad?
What do you want to say to me?
I’m so worried!
I’m worried you hate me! Please!
Please please please please
I had never seen Carolina act like this. Never. I didn’t like that she was so scared. But I also did like it, you know? I hated that she was upset … but I was glad she cared enough about me to be upset. I’m so fucked up. I finally texted:
ME
Carolina. I love you. We just need to
talk about something. We can do it
tomorrow night.
CAROLINA
You promise promise promise
you are not mad at me?
I wasn’t mad at her, was I? I was sad. (Lily always knew.) But maybe I was mad that I was sad.
ME
I promise I’ll love you forever. I’m going
Forever for a Year Page 22
