She said, “Dad?” And that’s all she had time for before I picked up Lily, grabbed Carolina by the hand, and started speed walking away from our two lying, cheating, destroying parents as fast as possible.
75
Carolina takes a shower
I didn’t fight Trevor as he pulled me away from my dad and his mom. I didn’t know why I didn’t fight or why I should fight, but then, as we got in the cab, I realized. My dad was cheating again. Not just cheating. Cheating with Trevor’s mom.
I threw up. It was white. Chunky. I think it was some roasted peanuts we had gotten on the street. I didn’t know. Maybe egg salad. But I didn’t remember eating egg salad. Lily asked if I was okay, but I don’t think I said yes or no. I looked down. I could see throw-up on my clothes. In my lap. Trevor was using our new Gap sweaters to wipe it up. The taxi driver was yelling at us. Trevor yelled back at him. The cab pulled over and ordered us out. We got out.
I said, “Trevor?”
He said, “Let’s just get home. Okay?”
I nodded. He was so calm. How was he so calm? Trevor finished wiping the throw-up off of me, threw the new sweaters away in a garbage can, and got us into a second cab. Trevor said to the driver, “Can you drive us to Riverbend?”
“It will be, like, eighty dollars,” the driver said.
“I have a credit card,” Trevor said.
“Okay,” the driver said, and then we drove. We got on the Kennedy Expressway and just drove. For so long. Lily kept asking why my dad was with their mom in Chicago, and Trevor kept saying they became friends because of us. Trevor was trying to lie to Lily to protect her. But it was also the truth, right? Because of us my parents’ marriage would probably end for real this time. I thought my falling in love with Trevor was saving my mom and dad but really, because of us, I’d just made it a million times worse.
We went directly to their house, leaving Trevor’s dad’s car at the train station. We went inside. I smelled so gross. I almost threw up again just smelling myself.
“She isn’t talking,” Lily said about me.
“She’s sick.”
“Should we go to the hospital?”
“She needs to rest.”
“She can rest in my room,” Lily said.
“I’ll have her rest in my room,” Trevor said.
“But you’re a boy,” she said back, her eyes holding steady on us. How much did she not understand and how much did she pretend not to understand?
“We’re in love, so it’s okay. Okay, Lily?”
“Okay, Trevor. I think I’ll rest too.”
“Okay, Lily.”
* * *
Trevor led me to his room, locked the door behind us, and started taking off my clothes. I thought he wanted to have sex, which felt like the grossest thing I could ever imagine right now, so I twisted hard away from him and said, “No…”
“A shower, Carolina. You should take a shower.”
I stopped fighting and let him undress me. He led me to his bathroom, turned on the shower, and let me step inside. A few seconds later, he was under the water next to me, naked. He kissed me. Not a sex kiss. But a nice kiss. I could see in his eyes he just wanted to take care of me. Just make sure I was okay. Trevor was the kindest person in history. I don’t think my parents have ever taken a shower together, but we were. Because our love was real. Unlike theirs.
After the shower, he wrapped me in a huge towel. Now I was shivering. I couldn’t stop. He led me to his bed, pulled back the covers, let me lie down even though I was still dripping water and the wet towel was still wrapped around me. Then he pulled the covers over me. I fell asleep within, like, two seconds.
When I woke up, Trevor was taking the towel off of me. “I don’t want to have sex,” I said.
“I know. But you should put some clothes on so you don’t get sick.” Then he put a T-shirt over my head and slid his boy boxers up to my waist. I loved Trevor more right now than ever. He was right. Adults are no smarter than we are. They’re worse. Because they pretend they can tell us stuff. Like all those things my dad said to me, all those things I thought were so smart about love and my brother and life. It was all a lie. He was just a big fake who liked to talk. I’m never going to talk to him again. I’m not. I have Trevor. I don’t need my dad anymore. That’s what I was thinking when I fell asleep a second time.
* * *
When I woke up again, I could hear talking downstairs. It was still dark outside, but an early morning dark. I looked at my phone. It said 4:17 a.m. Trevor was getting dressed by the door to his bedroom.
“Who is that?” I asked.
“Stay here,” he said, then left. But I got up and followed him downstairs. In the front foyer, my dad was standing by the door. Trevor’s mom was standing by the living room couch. They looked like strangers. Like he was just my dad, picking me up, and she was just Trevor’s mom, meeting him for the first time.
But Trevor started talking. “She wants to stay here. You two should leave us alone.”
“She needs to go home,” his mom said.
“She wants to stay,” Trevor said again.
“I want to stay,” I said, then put my arm through Trevor’s and laid my head on his shoulder. It was us against them. It was our love against their disgustingness.
“Carrie—we need to go home. I told your mom you were here, but she’d like you home. You can call Trevor tomorrow.”
“No,” I said to him, to Scott, even though I’d promised to never speak to him again. I knew I would never call him Dad again. Ever. Ever. Ever.
“Carolina, I’m sorry,” Trevor’s mom said, “this is a bad situation, and we can’t deal with it right now in this way. Go with your dad. He needs to talk to you. I need to talk to Trevor.”
“No,” Trevor said, holding me tighter.
“Trevor?” a voice came from atop the stairs. We all turned to find Lily. Trevor looked at me. We both knew what the right thing to do was now that Lily was there.
“Do you have a big coat?” I asked. He nodded, fetched one from the front closet, kissed me on the lips, and then opened the door for me. I walked out to my dad’s car. I was freezing, but I didn’t care. I got in the passenger seat. My dad got in next to me.
76
Trevor buys Lily pancakes
After I watched Carolina and her dad pull out of our driveway and disappear down the street, I closed the door, looked at my mom—where I was standing, Lily couldn’t see me—and mouthed I fucking hate you.
She said, “That’s your right.” What did that even mean?
I walked back upstairs, led Lily to her room, closing and locking the door behind us.
“Why’d you lock the door, Trevor?”
“Because Mom needs to be by herself for a while.”
“She might need our help,” Lily said. Seven years old. More concerned about her mom than her mom was about her.
“Get in bed,” I said. “I’m going to sleep on the floor. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said.
“I love you, Lily.”
“I’m worried about Mom.”
“She’ll be okay.”
“What if she hurts herself? We have to save her.”
“She won’t.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do,” I said. But I didn’t know. I just didn’t care.
* * *
In the morning, I told Lily to get dressed in warm clothes. I did the same. Then we walked toward the train station.
“But we should check on Mom,” she said as we walked outside.
“Mom will be fine. We need to eat.” I wasn’t even hungry, but I just had to be outside of that house until my dad’s plane landed in the afternoon.
We got into my dad’s BMW at the station, and I drove us to Roth’s Diner. We ordered strawberry crepes and chocolate pancakes and shared them both.
“Trevor,” Lily said after she took a big bite of chocolate pancakes. Her face was smeared with it.
> “Yeah?” I said.
“I know I’m only seven, but I’m smart.”
“I know,” I said.
“You think I don’t know things, but I do.”
“I know,” I said.
“But maybe it’s better if we don’t talk about it.”
“Okay.”
“Isn’t it funny how we don’t talk about the most important things?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s hilarious,” she said, then took another bite. And, poof, it was like her brain wiped clean any bad thoughts. Nodding her head blissfully to the cheesy restaurant music. I wish I could do that. Maybe I could when I was seven. Maybe my parents’ crap was just as bad back then but I wiped it clean because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to live with either of them. You have to when you’re seven. You can’t feed yourself or go anywhere by yourself. Not really. But I was old now. Maybe I couldn’t wipe it clean anymore because I knew I could take care of myself. If I really needed to, I could go get a job or hunt deer or at least go live in a shelter or something. Maybe that’s it. Maybe as soon as you’re old enough to survive without your parents, you’re old enough to see your parents for who they really are.
77
Carolina gets into a Toyota 4Runner
As he drove me from Trevor’s, my dad kept saying, “Can we talk?” But I didn’t say anything back. I didn’t look at him. Trevor’s coat was big and long, but underneath I had on only a T-shirt and boxers. Underneath I was so cold. Underneath I was numb. So, so, so numb. But not numb enough, you know?
When my dad parked in our driveway, I said, “Don’t you ever come inside, ever, ever again.” I ran out of the car and took out my key, but my mom was awake and opening the front door for me.
“Are you okay?” she asked. No, I wasn’t. Oh my gosh, I would never be okay again. Okay? Okay? But then I thought my mom already knew. That’s why she had been so sad. I should have said, Are you okay, Mom? and hugged her or said nothing and hugged her or even just said nothing, but instead I said, “You picked the worst husband in history,” and went to my room. So mean. I shouldn’t be mean to my mom. She has a husband who’s mean to her, so her daughter should be nice. But she had let him back in our life. She had let him hurt us all over again. I would never let a man hurt me like that. Never.
* * *
I crawled into my own bed. I didn’t even take Trevor’s coat off. My phone buzzed. It was Trevor. Asking if I was okay. But I pretended I didn’t see it. Why was I pretending things to myself? I don’t know. Trevor was amazing. More amazing than ever. But … I don’t know.
Wait a minute.
Oh. My. Gosh.
He knew.
The whole night flashed back through my brain. He wasn’t even mad when he saw them. Saw his mom and my dad together. Because he knew. I could see his face in my memory as he took my hand and led us away. He hated them. But he was focused. He was prepared. Because he knew.
He knew.
How could he not tell me? HOW COULD HE NOT TELL ME?
I picked up my phone, wanting to ask how long he had known. Wanting to ask why he hadn’t told me.
Except I saw Alexander Taylor’s birthday text five messages down. I had never written anything back. Because I was a good girlfriend. I was. I had lied that once, but I was an amazing girlfriend. I had given Trevor my heart and sex and my time and gotten bad grades and lost friends and changed my whole life forever. All for him.
And he hadn’t told me about my dad and his mom. I almost got sick again. Except nothing came up. Just gross air. Empty gross air. Nothing was left in my stomach to throw up. Nothing was left in my insides at all.
So I texted:
ME
Hi, junior.
It wasn’t to Trevor. Duh. As soon as I pressed send, I wished I hadn’t. I mean, it was not even five a.m. Alexander wouldn’t be up for a hundred hours, and I’d have to wait and feel bad about text cheating again and feel bad without even the excitement of actual texting from Alexander. But as I was thinking all this, my phone buzzed.
It was from Alexander:
ALEXANDER TAYLOR
it’s early, freshman
And because this is what I really felt, I responded:
ME
I don’t care.
ALEXANDER TAYLOR
i’m going back to bed. i’ll pick you up
at 10 for breakfast. text me your
address. wear something interesting.
No way would I go to breakfast with him. No way would I text him my address. But then I did text him my stupid address. And then I sat in bed for the next four hours and thought about how I should cancel the breakfast and thought about my dad and thought about Trevor and thought that I had never liked my life less than at this exact moment and then I also thought about what I would wear. And then I thought about everything again but in a different order.
So at nine I took a shower and I put on a skirt and tall boots and a turtleneck and I put Trevor’s coat under my bed so I wouldn’t have to look at it. I put on makeup. I had never put on makeup on Sunday morning, and it felt so weird. Then I sat by my window and stared out at my driveway, waiting for Alexander Taylor to pick me up and make everything better by just making me think about something besides everything.
As soon as he pulled into the driveway, Alexander honked. He drove a big black Toyota 4Runner. It was an older model with tinted windows and a dented rear door. It looked like a truck no girl should get into unless she wanted to die. But I ran out through my house, ignored my mom’s yelling from the kitchen, and jumped right into his scary truck.
“Hi, freshman,” he said as he put the 4Runner in reverse. The leather seats were cracked and cold against the bare of my legs. Why did I wear a skirt? He’d tricked me. He’d said, “Wear something interesting.” Why would he care what I wore? I mean, he’s a boy. He cared because he wanted me to look sexy. But why would he make it so obvious he cared? To trick me. I would have worn jeans if he hadn’t said that.
“Hi,” I said, wishing I could jump out. But maybe not. My whole body was prickly. A good prickly. An alive prickly. My breath was fast and my heart was faster.
“What are you running away from? Mom? Dad? Both? Boyfriend? All of the above?”
“I’m not,” I said. Such a lie.
“Yeah, right. It’s okay. I’m glad. I like that you’re running to me. I’m a good person to run away to.” Then he reached over and squeezed my naked knee. I jumped. I laughed. He thought it was a fun laugh so he did it again, except higher on my leg. I didn’t laugh this time. So he stopped. Why was I in this stupid truck?
* * *
When we parked at Roth’s Diner, I saw Trevor and Lily sitting in a booth by the window inside. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.
“I don’t want to go here,” I said.
“Are you making decisions now, freshman?”
“Please,” I said, slinking down into the seat to hide. Alexander looked up, through the windshield, seeing Trevor in the restaurant window.
“So I guess you’re not broken up?” He smirked.
“Please,” I said.
“If we go somewhere else, what do I get?”
I didn’t say anything.
“Do I get a kiss?”
“Okay,” I said. And then he backed out and drove away and I could breathe again.
* * *
We ate at Egg Harbor in Glenview. It was a far drive, but I felt much safer. No one would see us here. I didn’t know if he would pay and I only had five dollars so I just ordered oatmeal. I wasn’t that hungry. I mean, I was starving and my head felt dizzy, but I also felt sick so oatmeal was enough. I guess. He didn’t ask about Trevor. He mostly talked about himself. About books he had read and TV shows he liked. It wasn’t as interesting as I had always thought it would be. Alexander knew how to act like he’d be interesting but I was bored and it wasn’t even the middle of our first date. Oh my gosh, was this a date? It was. Maybe. I had told
him I would kiss him! How could I do that! I’d tell him I couldn’t. I’d tell him I would pay him back another way. He would understand.
At the end of breakfast, I offered my five dollars. He took it.
We got back in his truck and drove to a nearby Target. “Why are we going here?” I asked.
“Because we can park here,” he said, and parked on the side, facing out into an empty field. No other cars were parked anywhere close. It’s not like we were in the middle of nowhere, but it was still creepy. You know? I told myself I should get out. I should get out, go into Target, call my mom, and wait for her to pick me up.
“Freshman?” he said. I turned away from the window and toward him, only he was already leaning close to me. I pulled back. Oh my gosh, his breath smelled weird. Not bad. I guess not bad. But not like Trevor’s. Alexander said, “What about my kiss?”
“I can’t,” I said.
“You promised,” he said. And I tried to remember if I’d promised. I didn’t. I just said, “Okay.” But he leaned again and I didn’t move. His lips pressed into mine, and I closed my eyes and tried not to think about what was happening. He pushed his tongue into mine and moved it around but I didn’t move mine, and then he ran his tongue around my lips and bit my nose. Oh my gosh, why did he bite my nose? Like, scraped it with his teeth. Weirdo! And then I could feel his hand on my leg and he was reaching up my skirt. Oh my gosh, this is so gross. Say no. Stop him. Then he curled his fingers under my underwear and touched me. I was so dry. He tried to press one more time, but then I pinched my legs shut and he pulled away his hand. I never wanted another boy besides Trevor to touch me ever again. Then Alexander grabbed my right hand and put it on his jeans, where I could feel his penis. I left my hand there but I just let it lie there.
Alexander stopped kissing me, pulled away, and said, “I thought you would know what to do. You know. Be experienced.”
I didn’t say anything. I wished I had never left Trevor’s at four a.m. I should go find him and hug him and never leave him again.
Forever for a Year Page 26
