* * *
The sandwiches arrived and he ate, and I looked at the sandwich and I looked at him and I could see he didn’t want to go to the party with me. So I said, “You go to the party.”
“I want to go with you.”
“I don’t want to go with you,” I said. Which was true. But only true because I knew he didn’t really want to go with me.
“Want me to drop you at home?”
“No.”
“You can’t stay here,” he said.
“Why not?”
“How will you get home?”
“I’ll walk,” I said.
“You can’t walk by yourself,” he said.
“Yes, I can.” And I tried to smile so I looked amazing.
* * *
He left. I didn’t think he would. I guess I hoped he wouldn’t. But it’s okay. I’ll be okay. I lost the greatest love of my life, but I’ll be okay. I’m really smart and strong. I forgot I was for a while because I was so in love. But I remember again.
I sat there in Uncle Josh’s for an hour, staring at my uneaten sandwich. I had nowhere to go. No person to go anywhere with. My mom was working. Kendra left for Nashville on a family vacation an hour ago. Peggy … oh, I don’t know … my best friend Peggy was back in junior high forever and high school Peggy was a stranger.
And then … my phone beeped. It was sitting on the table, just sitting there. I hadn’t even been looking at it. Who could text me? Who could I text? But then there was this beep, this text:
UNKNOWN NUMBER
Miss ya, rock star
Oh, oh, oh, oh, my eyes started watering. Oh, oh …
ME
Shannon?
SHANNON SHUNTON’S NEW NUMBER
Yep ;)
I wanted to ask a million things, like why and how and where, and then tell her all about Trevor, and I almost just started letting it all out, like the old Carolina would. But the new Carolina, the new, new Carolina with the broken heart, she just wanted to say:
ME
I miss you too
SHANNON SHUNTON’S NEW NUMBER
Sorry I disappeared. Just had to
make a big change so I could
breathe again
ME
I understand. I so understand.
You okay now?
SHANNON SHUNTON’S NEW NUMBER
Yeah, better. Still want to
be best friends?
ME
Yes :)
SHANNON SHUNTON’S NEW NUMBER
Cool ;)
And then we started texting back and forth like we had been best friends for years and not ten seconds. She told me after taking a train to New York by herself to meet a girl she’d met online, she was now down in Florida with her mom and sister. I told her about Trevor. Everything about Trevor and sex and everything. Even told Shannon about my dad and Trevor’s mom. She then texted, “Parents try to pretend they aren’t, but they’re just humans,” and as soon as I read that, I knew it was time for me to make a big change too.
So after Shannon and I stopped texting, I called him.
“Carolina?” he answered after one ring, saying my name right even.
“Hi, Dad.” Big breath. “Trevor broke up with me.” It was the first time I had called him or anything since I found out about his affair with Mrs. Santos. He had never come by the house. He had never tried to contact me.
He said, “Can I take you to dinner so we can talk about it?”
I said, “Okay.”
86
Trevor goes for frozen yogurt
When I got into my car after breaking up with Carolina, I thought I could fly. Seriously. As I was driving down the street, it felt like my car was a spaceship and I could blast off into space and visit other planets and stars and anywhere in the universe that I could imagine. I had never felt so free in my existence. Never.
After I parked at the party, I texted Betsy Kwon and she texted back before I even got to the front door. I felt a little slimy texting a new girl five minutes after breaking up with Carolina … but I still didn’t stop. I only stayed at the party for an hour. I was texting Betsy the whole time. She eventually texted:
BETSY KWON
I have a taste for froyo
That was a signal, wasn’t it? It was. Damn. She was aggressive. I liked it. I texted:
ME
me too
BETSY KWON
Pick me up?
ME
Okay ;)
And then she texted me five emoticons that made me laugh. Everything about Betsy Kwon made me smile and feel good. Well, everything except that I thought I was stabbing Carolina in the back. But we were broken up. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. We were broken up. I didn’t cheat. She did. Right. Yeah.
* * *
I picked up Betsy, we went and got frozen yogurt, and then we drove around and ate it in the car. Then we parked in the movie theater parking lot but didn’t go in. Then she got quiet. She looked at me very directly. Man. She wanted me to kiss her. She didn’t leave any doubt. So I kissed her.
And … I thought about Carolina the whole time.
* * *
We stopped after a bit. I think she would have done more stuff, but, I don’t know, I didn’t feel that horny. I know that’s … I just didn’t. So we drove around some more. It was a lot of fun. Betsy was such an awesome girl. So nice and funny. I know I’ve said this a lot. But, God, I just needed that. I didn’t need a soul mate or love or any heavy crap. I just wanted to laugh and not think too much about how serious life could get.
* * *
I dropped Betsy off pretty late and we made plans to go see a movie the next day. It felt so strange and weird to make plans with a different girl than Carolina, but I think it was good. I think if I didn’t make plans I would have called up Carolina and made plans with her. I’d probably think about Carolina during the movie with Betsy tomorrow. But that didn’t feel wrong. Not like when it was the opposite. Because I loved Carolina. Man. I did. But I didn’t want to go out with a girl I loved anymore; I wanted to go out with a girl I just liked.
* * *
When I got home, my mom was sitting on the couch in the living room reading her Kindle.
“Where’s Dad?” I asked.
“Asleep.”
“Why are you up?”
“I like this book.”
“Okay.”
“How was your night?” she asked. Which was weird. She usually didn’t ask.
“Fine.”
“Why was it just fine?”
“Why are you asking questions?” I asked. Like, with attitude. My mom and I had ignored each other for months and now she was curious?
“I’m sorry,” she said. Which made me feel like crap. I’m an asshole.
“Carolina and I broke up.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Do you want to talk about it?” What the hell? Why was she being so nice and normal? I couldn’t say yes. I just couldn’t. It would have been too easy on her.
So I said, “Why’d you cheat?” because that question was anything but easy.
She put down her Kindle, looked right at me, didn’t say anything for a while but I could tell she was thinking some massive thoughts. So I waited. Then my mom finally said, “Sometimes you run to something new because it’s easier than sitting with something old.”
Man. Man. I mean, it’s like she knew everything, right? She, my mom, she basically just explained … Never mind. I just said, “Okay,” and nodded.
“Do you want to talk about it more?”
I said, “No,” because I just had to. But then I said, “Maybe tomorrow.” And then I started walking toward the stairs to go to bed.
“I’m proud of you, Trevor,” she said, which made me turn around.
“Why?” I said. With attitude.
“For being real.” And she smiled, then picked back up her Kindle. That was the goddamn best thing she had ever said to me. Crap. Just like I was tired of l
oving Carolina, maybe I was tired of hating my mom. Maybe.
87
Carolina doesn’t cry
I threw away the sandwich Trevor bought for me. It felt wasteful. I know. But I wanted to eat dinner with my dad, not eat a sandwich alone that my ex-boyfriend paid for. EX-BOYFRIEND. Oh my … but I didn’t cry. I just imagined I did. I think in a movie, the girl would cry. Then the audience would feel sorry for her. But this wasn’t a movie. It was just me, and I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself.
My dad picked me up at the sandwich shop, and we drove to a sushi restaurant in Northbrook. I told him everything that had happened from the time I told him I never wanted to see him again. (Well, I left out the sex stuff and almost being pregnant.) My dad listened better than he ever had. Then he said the best thing.
He said, “I don’t think the Carolina and Trevor story is over.”
“Really?” I said.
“My gut says it’s not.”
“Mine too,” I said. Except I didn’t know if that was my gut or my hope, and I didn’t know how I could tell the difference. Then I said, and I don’t even know why I said this, maybe because I wanted to say something nice to him, “I think Mom would take you back.”
“Do you want her to take me back?” he asked.
What a weirdly strange question. Right? I didn’t know. Kind of. I wanted my dad back in my life. But I didn’t want him to hurt my mom ever again. And now … now, after all I had gone through, I don’t know if he couldn’t. I understand love too much to think anything is easy. So instead I asked, “Why did you cheat on Mom?” I said it in a whisper so the other people at the restaurant couldn’t hear us.
“That answer is so complicated, Carolina.”
“I’m mature, Dad.”
“You are, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” I said, and I knew I was even though I was also still a kid.
“Okay … well. First of all. Your mom and I fell in love really fast. Almost as fast as you and Trevor. Except we were in our twenties, and people get married and have kids when they are in their twenties even if they don’t know a whole lot more than they did when they were teenagers. By the time I realized I didn’t want to be married, we were pregnant with Heath. I talked to your mom about it. She said we could get divorced. She’s always been practical. But then Heath was born and all I wanted to be was a dad. Until one day I wanted more again. But then your mom was pregnant with you. And then all I wanted to be was a dad again. And then when you were five or so, I got fired from Northwestern and realized I was a failure.…”
“You’re not a failure.” I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I don’t want my dad to think it’s true.
“Thanks, Carolina. But I thought I was going to do some pretty great things in life. And I haven’t done any. I helped make you guys. And you are the best things in the world. But I haven’t done anything that I dreamed of when I was your age. I’m not dead. There’s time. But I went through a phase where the only way I could feel good about myself was to … be with other women. It made me feel young. It made me feel special. Your mom is so on top of everything I never felt good enough around her. That’s not her fault. But … Is this too much, me telling you this?”
“No,” I said, though I wasn’t sure if I meant it.
My dad kept talking. He needed to say this, I think. “Your mom and I made you and your brother, and this is what all parents say, but it’s true—it’s the greatest choice I ever made. But your mom wanted someone a bit more stable, I believe, and I wanted someone a bit more crazy. We had you two, so we tried and we tried. I didn’t try as hard as her. But I tried. And when it worked, it mostly worked because of you. And when it didn’t work, it hurt you the most. So really, that means it doesn’t really work at all … so…” Then he stopped. But I knew.
“You’re getting divorced?”
My dad nodded.
Wait a minute. Gosh. I breathed in deep. Was I going to cry? I don’t think so. Maybe later. But not right now. Okay.
“Your mom said I should tell you because if she told you, you’d worry more about her than yourself. You do know your mom is probably the most mature, wisest person either of us will ever know, right?”
“I know.”
“You’re taking this awfully well, Carolina. It scares me a bit.”
“Dad,” I said—yeah, I called him Dad—“I’m really sad. But just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
* * *
We talked a lot more. We talked until they closed the restaurant. Then we went and got milk shakes at Sonic and he drove me home. I hugged him good-bye and told him I was glad he was my dad again. Because he’s a not a bad dad. He’s a bad husband. Gosh, yes. But maybe now that he doesn’t have to be a husband, he’ll be an even better dad. I don’t know what I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter.
When I got in my bed, I realized that Trevor and I broke up on the same day my parents got divorced. (That’s not literally true since they have to do paperwork and stuff. But it was the same day I found out, so that’s really my point. Okay?)
Anyway. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. But it probably does mean something.
Part Five
EXES FOR EVER
88
Trevor …
On the Sunday morning before sophomore year started, I was lying in bed, and I don’t know why—crap, really, I couldn’t explain why—but I just had to text her. Carolina. I hadn’t texted her the whole summer. I texted Betsy Kwon every day. But never Carolina. I thought about Carolina every day. Of course I did. I mean, every stupid day. Really. But I never, not once, texted her. But today … I just had to.
89
Carolina …
TREVOR
Hi.
That’s it. That’s all he texted me. I had been waiting the whole summer for him to text me. I knew he had been dating a sophomore girl. Wait a minute. I guess she was a junior now. Because I was a sophomore. So strange! Sophomore. Sounds so old. Anyway. I decided I wouldn’t text Trevor back until he texted me something more. Better. At least asked me a question.
Oh. No way could I wait. I didn’t love him anymore. Okay. I did. But it wasn’t like that. I had met a boy at soccer camp. His name’s Greg. He’s really nice. And really good at soccer and school. We’ve kissed a bunch of times but nothing else.
(Okay, well, one time after I drank my first beer Greg and I got, like, in our underwear and touched each other but nothing really finished, if you know what I mean. Yes, I drank a few times. I don’t know why. I don’t like it that much, but it’s nice not to be the only one who doesn’t. I hope Trevor never drinks. Nothing really happens to me. I just smile more. But for Trevor—it might make his darkness so much darker.)
Anyway. I just don’t want to have sex or do anything really with Greg. Kissing is much simpler. And it’s so easy to only kiss when I don’t love him. I did learn to, you know, do it to myself by myself but the only way I could have an orgasm was if I imagined Trevor. Maybe that’s why I was fine never doing anything more with Greg. I don’t know. Never mind.
* * *
So, anyway, the longest minute ever later, I texted him just because.
ME
Hi back.
TREVOR
Hi again ;)
Annoying! But also kind of cute. My heart was racing.
90
Trevor …
This is going so sound fucking stupid, but texts from Carolina felt like they were three-dimensional while texts from everyone else were just one dimension. Even Betsy’s. Betsy’s were funny and nice. But just … not like Carolina’s.
CAROLINA
Hi. Again. Back.
I could do this all day. I’m not kidding. I could sit here in my bed all day and just text one or two words to Carolina at a time. Cute, harmless stuff that made me think of her sitting there texting me. Man, that would actually be fun. It is the dumbest thing I’ve ever thought, but it’s true. But instead
of doing that, I did the dumbest thing I’ve ever done and texted:
ME
I miss you
91
Carolina …
He misses me. Oh. My. Gosh. My dad was right. Our story wasn’t over. It was just a chapter break. That was clever. I’m funny. Greg doesn’t think I’m funny. Greg doesn’t have my brain. Trevor has my brain. I miss him so much I want to die.
ME
I miss you. Back.
Maybe I shouldn’t have texted that so fast. I was winning. I had him saying he missed me, and I should have made him wait. I should have. But no. I’m glad I didn’t. Because I don’t want to play games with Trevor. Not any boy ever. But one hundred million percent never Trevor. I want to be better than that. I want to be amazing. Always.
TREVOR
Can I come pick you up?
ME
Yes.
92
Trevor …
I dressed so fricking fast I don’t think I breathed until I was out of the house and driving to Carolina. Entering her neighborhood was like entering a video from my past life. I couldn’t tell what was real and now and what was past and then I was parking. As I got out to go knock on her door, she was opening it up and there she was and—
93
Carolina …
He’s looking at me like he used to. Like I’m the only girl in the world. This is happening. My whole body is floating over the ground. That’s not true. But you know what I mean. I smiled at him. And I think my smile must have reminded him of all of who I was because Trevor just shook his head. A shake that said, “You are my soul mate.” I know this because I am. And he’s mine.
Forever for a Year Page 30
