There was plenty of good. But as it was, I had been biting my tongue so hard that I was leaving teeth marks. Each time he brought up a new point, started tugging at a new heartstring, I wanted to refute it. It took every last bit of my self-control to keep my mouth shut. I hoped the committee had noticed that two of the three examples he had given to demonstrate his selfless largess were about him saving black folks.
“I cannot tell you how many applications we got for the jobs that Bill and Valerie Brown now have. Hundreds upon hundreds of the very best doctors from across the country and the world. Bill and Valerie beat them all out, and not just because they’re a couple. They’re at the top of their game individually. Both are brilliant clinicians, and both maintain serious research projects. The work Bill is doing is going to revolutionize cardiovascular care. We did not sacrifice quality in getting them here. I begged them to come and told them that this was the place for them, professionally, personally, and socially.” He paused for effect and purposefully made eye contact with each of the committee members but me. “Let’s be honest. We’re not a very diverse community here—in this club, in this town. And we need to change that. Fast. The world is changing and progressing rapidly. And I don’t want us to be lagging behind, wondering what happened. And so for all these reasons, what happened last Sunday evening was truly horrifying. It shook me to my core. And it should have shaken you all as well. It was completely unacceptable.”
He finally turned to me. “Raj, I’m going to need you to do the right thing and apologize to the Browns. They don’t deserve what they got from us on Sunday evening. We trusted you to represent this club. We gave you that opportunity, and you abused it.”
“I’m happy to apologize to the Browns,” I said, looking right back at him. “I have every intention of doing so.”
Despite his confidence, Mark seemed surprised that his speech had been so effective. “I’m very happy to hear that.”
“You need to know that the second those words came out of my mouth during the interview, I wanted to find a moment with the Browns to say sorry. I was horrified. I’m not going to make any excuses for myself. The responsibility is on me. It’s certainly not who I am, and I feel particularly bad because I put the Browns in such a terrible position. They seem like a wonderful couple.” It was my turn to eye the other committee members. “But what made me so angry that evening, an anger that has only grown in the days since, was how quick most of you were to tell me how you thought I needed to handle the situation. As if I wouldn’t know that I had made a mistake myself. As if you were all infallible arbiters, when in fact there have been countless instances since I’ve joined this club when I have been on the receiving end of someone else’s stupidity, and I have never gotten an apology. It happens almost every time I come here—maybe even every time, and often more than once. So where’s my apology? I’d love an apology for the fact that this club is almost entirely white and none of you have really done anything to change that. That now that Mark has discovered diversity, your first move as a membership committee is to consider the expulsion of one of the club’s only brown members. Maybe an apology for every time I’ve been asked to teach people about India and Islam and everything in between. Or for every time a member has tried to connect with me by saying that they didn’t come to places like this when they were growing up, assuming that I didn’t either. For every time a guest has assumed that I work here, or that I’ve been told that Indian accents are cute, and then been asked if I could do one. I’d love an apology for every time someone has spoken to me in one way and the rest of you in another.” To their credit, everyone in the room, with the exception of Mark, was listening attentively. “Or for all of the times I’ve been followed here by a cop, because of course a brown guy in a shitty car headed to a tennis club is only interested in blowing it up. An apology that I can’t report that cop because I’m afraid that they won’t show up to my house the next time I need them in the middle of the night.” I took a deep inhale, nearing the finish line. “And I’d definitely like an apology for every time someone has called me Kumar and you’ve all stood by in silence.”
I felt like I was back in the bathroom, naked, facing down my mole of mortality. “Listen, I like you all. You’re my friends. But you don’t see what I see. You don’t feel what I feel.”
No one said anything for several long seconds.
“I think you’re mixing up some issues here,” Mark said in an imperious tone. “You have some grievances, but this is neither the time nor the place for them.”
“This is exactly the time and place for them. We did not sacrifice quality in getting them here. What the hell does that mean? Let me tell you. You’re saying that you usually have to sacrifice quality when you hire black people. It’s easy for you to turn to me and insist I apologize so that you can go back to the Browns and say, ‘See, there’s no race problem here! We handled the race problem!’ You haven’t. The problems here are much deeper than me and my stupid mouth and my one terribly offensive joke. This place is essentially segregated. It has existed for decades, and if we went through all the records, we probably could count on one hand how many nonwhite members it has had. I joined thinking that I could change that a little. I’m not saying that by doing so I was sitting down at the lunch counter or refusing to move to the back of the bus. But still.”
“You’re pretty far out of line here, Raj,” Mark said. “How can you say that I haven’t done anything to change this place? That’s exactly what I was trying to do and you screwed it up.”
“You’re right. If the Browns don’t want to join the club, I’m sure a lot of that will be on me. But what I’m saying is, even if that had never happened, if they’d had a perfectly placid interview and accepted an offer to become members, I bet they still would never have felt like they truly belonged here.”
As I said this, I caught some movement outside one of the clubhouse’s large windows. I was sure that Robert had just walked by.
“Raj?” Suzanne asked, following my eyes. “Is everything OK?”
“It’s fine,” I said, trying not to reveal my worry.
“I urge this committee to act,” Mark said. Clearly, he hadn’t given much thought to what I’d said. “To do what’s right for us all.”
“Oh, come on,” I said. “This is a membership committee meeting for a tennis club. You’re not speaking in front of the UN General Assembly. Let’s cut the formality. Where do you want us to go from here?”
“I move for your family to be removed from this club,” Mark said.
I laughed out loud. “Mark, my kids are third-generation members. And I don’t think you’re in any position to kick someone else out of the club. But I guess if you want to, you’re welcome to try. That is, of course, unless you’re off to save Africa again.”
Mark just stared me down. Then he stood up. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to this. I’ve said my piece. I’ll leave it up to the rest of you to make a decision.” He turned to the group. “When I was on my way here, I believed we could work this out. I don’t know Raj, but I thought he would be reasonable. Clearly that’s not the case. For the integrity of this club, I urge you at least to remove him from this committee. It’s a crucial gesture we have to make.”
There was that phrase again. Know Raj. You know Raj.
As Mark walked out of the clubhouse, I saw Robert again. This time, he peered through the window, but didn’t seem to realize that I was inside. He was definitely searching for me.
With Mark gone, it was just the five of us again. Before all this started, we had gotten along quite well. Now, no one was looking at anyone else, the tension in the room high and uncomfortable.
“Let me just say,” Suzanne said, calling us to order. “I told Mark not to come today, but he insisted. As the chair of this committee, perhaps I should have barred him. I didn’t, and now I’m actually glad he came. We needed to have this conversation. And we need to keep having it.” Suzanne then addressed m
e directly. “It’s difficult to hear what you’ve just said, Raj. And I’m going to think long and hard about it.” She turned back to the rest of the group. “But for now, Raj is right. This whole thing is between him and Bill Brown. It’s none of our business. We need to move on to the work we’ve come here to do.”
I thanked Suzanne with my eyes and a slight nod of my head.
“None of our business?” Leslie asked. “It certainly is our business. It concerns all of us and the long-term integrity of this club. If word spreads—and word always spreads—that we did nothing, then who are we? We need to act as a group.”
To Leslie’s credit, she was looking me right in the eye.
“In terms of what you just said,” Leslie continued, “I don’t recall you sponsoring any families to make this place more to your liking. And you’ve had ample opportunity. I don’t think you can place all the blame on the rest of us. Don’t Tim and I get some credit for bringing you in?”
I couldn’t believe what she was saying. Leslie and I weren’t just casual friends. We had shared meals many times, in our house and theirs, laughing and stumbling through our middle years. It was hard to stomach that the TC might be more important to her than that.
Now it looked like that membership might be revoked. If this were a vote, it was one for expulsion and one against.
“Here’s what I don’t understand, Raj,” Richard said. “You said this horrible thing on Sunday, and a few hours ago I heard you telling a kid, a teenager, to get out of the club. In all the years I’ve worked here, I’ve never heard someone speak to anyone like that. What’s going on with you? We’ve spent a lot of time together on the court. I’ve seen you become a much better player. But I don’t recognize the man I’ve seen this week. You seem, I don’t know—you seem unhinged.”
Considering how long we’d known each other, why did Richard assume that I was in the wrong in the conversation he’d overheard?
“That was a student of mine who’s been stalking me. There’s a little movement on campus to get me fired because a group of students think I’m anti-American or something. While some of you have decided that I’m racist, they feel the same, but in a different way. At the risk of sounding self-pitying, it seems everyone has chosen this week to point out my failings.”
“Do we need to call the police?” Suzanne asked, concerned.
“It’s fine. He’s somewhere outside right now, and I’m going to have to deal with him once we’re done here. But to your second point, Richard: I’m not unhinged. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I’m being clear and honest for the first time in a long while, saying exactly what I mean. This here is who I am.”
“Some of the guys on the court were saying today that you’re bringing a negative energy.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m sorry they feel that way.”
“Listen, I don’t really care what you say or what you don’t say,” Stan said. “I just have one question.”
I waited.
“What’s happened to your game? You played horribly on Tuesday night. I’ve never lost that badly. I was so embarrassed. So far as I’m concerned, if you get your game straight, everything else will take care of itself.”
I couldn’t tell if he was joking. He sounded serious. He probably was. He was pretty consistent in what he deemed important.
I looked around the room and then out through the large window. I needed to go out and deal with Robert.
“I’m going to go,” I said. “I’m not sure if you had intended on taking a vote regarding my standing on this committee. But it seems like it’s a two–two split. And I’m happy to break the tie and vote myself off. But if you don’t mind, my last act would be to suggest that you put the Browns at the top of our acceptance list. It’s important that they decide whether they want to join or not.” With that, I stood up. “I’ve really liked spending time with you all. And I’m sorry it had to end this way.”
I walked out. Two for and two against, numbers that were nearly too hard to bear. Half this group, people I thought were my friends, voting against me.
I stepped out of the clubhouse, into the part of the day that I loved the most. There was still over an hour of soft sunlight left.
I saw Eva about to enter the small gate leading to the pool, a large canvas swim bag slung over her shoulder. Arun was close to her, Neel several feet behind. Talking to Robert. The two of them stood no more than half a foot apart; Robert was handing Neel his football.
“Say thank you.”
I could hear Eva say the words to Neel, who, football in hand, mouthed appreciation under his breath.
Robert said something to Eva that I couldn’t make out, but she had a smile on her face, the one she used when she wanted to be friendly, even when she had no time to be friendly because the kids were begging to get in the pool. I wished she would just keep moving. Get through the gate and start swimming, so I could deal with Robert on my own.
He stepped toward Eva.
I took off toward them.
I didn’t know where Robert had gone as I played my second set. But given the way we’d parted, I knew that he’d likely returned angry. I was pretty sure he knew who Eva was; certainly there was a photo online somewhere with all of us together, enjoying a sunny day at the beach. “Dad,” Arun yelled as I approached. “Are you going to swim with us?”
“I am,” I said.
“This nice young man was complimenting Neel on his throwing arm,” Eva said.
“Hey, Robert,” I said.
The look on Eva’s face shifted slightly.
“Is this your family?” Robert asked, a put-on chumminess to his tone. “Your sons? They’re handsome.” Robert tapped Neel’s upper arm and kept his hand there for a second. “And this one has quite the gun here. You gonna play football?”
“I’d like to,” Neel said.
I kept my eyes on Robert’s hand, his long, pale fingers. He squeezed Neel’s shoulder just slightly. I wanted to snatch Neel away, but I also didn’t want to spook Robert with any sudden moves.
“They’re lucky to be able to run around here,” Robert said, finally removing his hand, then turning to Eva.
“Yes,” Eva said, barely eking out a smile. “We count ourselves very fortunate.”
“Can we get in the pool?” Neel asked, impatient to swim.
Usually we were vigilant about standing watch before we let them go in the water. But I wanted to get them away from Robert.
“You two go on ahead,” I said. “We’ll be right there.”
Neel and Arun ran off toward the pool, surprised at this new freedom. I felt a small bit of relief seeing them go, relief that immediately turned to anger. Anger that Robert had followed me here, that he had touched Neel and felt comfortable doing so, that no one who saw Robert coming into the TC would question his right to be there, that he was the one who’d started this whole ridiculous process that had put my career, my livelihood, and now my family in jeopardy.
“So, you’re taking a class with Raj?” Eva asked, trying her best to lower the tension she must have read on my face.
Robert was surprised.
“He’s told you about me?”
“Yes. That you’re a smart student.”
“Now that’s a complete lie,” Robert said, annoyed. “There’s no need for false flattery.”
“She’s not flattering you,” I said. I’d had enough of him. I needed him to leave. “You are smart.”
“I know flattery,” Robert said. “You were really friendly when we were first talking, but the second you heard my name, I saw fear on your face.”
“Listen,” Eva said, “I’m not scared of you. That’s not what this is about. You haven’t been very kind to my husband. The protests at school and the stories online have made us pretty jittery. I’m just being extra-protective of my kids. You can understand that, can’t you? You can understand how you’ve made us a little uncomfortable?”
“I don’t know why you’re so w
orried about me. I’m not the one with the gun in my car.”
He and Eva both turned to me. Now there was fear on Eva’s face.
“Did you think I didn’t notice?” Robert asked, suddenly defiant. “Tennis racquets and a rifle. Real cool.”
“What do you want?” I asked Robert. “Why are you still here?”
“What do I want?” It had been a long week, and Robert seemed addled—hungry, I was sure, and alone—his new group off somewhere without him. “I want this. The beautiful wife, the house, tennis on the weekends, kids who look up to you. I want this, and I’ll never have it, and I don’t get why you do.”
Robert shoved his hands in his jacket. Neel and Arun were both on the diving board, about to drop into the deep end. They were good swimmers, but still, I was nervous that they were alone in the pool. I took a step so that I was now in between Eva, who was closest to the pool, and Robert. I considered what to do next, and realized that Suzanne and the rest of the committee were right outside the clubhouse, watching us. Robert saw them too, and without another word, turned around and walked toward the parking lot.
Eva quickly went to the pool, and I followed her, unsure what to think. Was he going to his car to leave? Or was he going to come back? I knew I’d locked my car, but it wouldn’t take much to smash the window and pop the trunk.
“Get in the pool, Dad,” Arun said.
“I will,” I said, my voice sharper than I’d wanted. “I will in a minute, sweetheart.”
I sat down on a poolside chair. My heart was racing and I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t going to be able to get in the pool until I knew that Robert had left. I walked back to the parking lot just in time to see him backing his borrowed Mini out of his spot. As he started moving forward, he aimed the car right at me. He crawled along and then picked up some speed. When he was about twenty feet away, he straightened out, and eyed me as he slowly drove past. I watched his car until it turned onto the road. I headed back to Eva and the kids.
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