He nodded and Jeremy wriggled with excited anticipation.
“Goody!”
“What should we bring?” Alex asked, already regretting the decision. He didn’t know how to act with big families. His own was a mess, and Kim’s only relatives had been distant cousins. Was there a particular protocol that was expected?
“Just bring yourselves. I have twin nieces who are close to Jeremy’s age. They’ll love playing with him.”
The nieces sounded good; Jeremy needed to learn how to play with children his age. The day-care center had said he stayed too much to himself. Of course, Kane O’Rourke would be more convinced than ever that his little sister was involved with someone he didn’t know anything about, but Alex took a perverse pleasure in the knowledge. If he ever did take Shannon to bed, he didn’t plan on answering to anyone about it.
What about Kim?
It wasn’t a new thought, and he knew it was something he’d have to deal with sooner or later. Strangely, he wanted to talk with Shannon about feeling guilty. Would she understand?
“We still should bring something,” he said gruffly.
Shannon nodded. “You can bring me. I always have a mountain of stuff to take, and your Jeep would be perfect to pile it into.”
“Then it’s at your service.”
“Good. We’ll go Christmas morning and spend the day, if that’s okay with you. Someone could drive me home if you decide we’re too much for you.”
“Mmm,” he said noncommittally.
Their meal came and they talked about the weather and other safe subjects, and Shannon couldn’t help being discouraged again. Alex had places inside she couldn’t reach.
“You didn’t eat much,” Alex said when she pushed her plate away.
“I’m still full of omelet.”
His eyes asked silently if something was wrong and she bit her lip. She doubted he was aware of the way he posted barriers and stay-out messages.
“It’s after eight-thirty,” she said, gesturing to the clock on the café wall. “You don’t want to be late.”
He agreed and took care of the bill.
It was funny, Shannon thought as they walked out to the Jeep. The more they seemed like a family, the more it hurt to know they were just playing a game.
Later in the morning, Shannon summoned her courage and opened Alex’s washing machine. At home she managed basic care of underclothes and such, but the cleaning service took care of the big stuff. She knew what bleach could do to clothing, though, and she held her breath as she pulled Alex’s jeans from the machine.
“Drat,” she muttered, looking at the faded blotches. The two well-worn pairs didn’t look so bad; they’d already lost a lot of color. But the newer ones were a mess.
The intimacy of doing a man’s laundry had never struck her before, but now she was acutely aware of how those jeans wrapped around Alex’s hips and muscled thighs. Maybe that was why some women liked doing laundry; it made them feel closer to their men.
She hastily shoved the jeans into the dryer and set it to low, the way the labels suggested.
“I am losing my mind,” she said, glaring at the machine that thumped and thudded as the heavy jeans tumbled around inside. “Positively bonkers. Laundry is just work, not a mission in life. And I’m terrible at it.”
Besides, it was too disturbing spending time in the utility room. All she could think about was Alex’s kisses, the mix of tenderness and laughter. He’d been so kind about her fumble with the bleach bottle, though it must have been annoying.
She went into the kitchen and picked up the phone. She didn’t have to be good at domestic skills if she knew who to call. The service who cleaned her condo could do an emergency job on Alex’s house, instead of her taking the chance of ruining something else.
He’d probably be relieved.
As Alex parked in the drive late in the afternoon, he saw a car pulling out of Shannon’s. Despite the rain he was able to make out two women inside, and they were waving at him.
“Can I help you?” he asked when the driver stopped and rolled down her window.
“No, we’re from the cleaning service,” the woman explained. “You must be Dr. McKenzie. Sorry about your jeans,” she added with a grin.
Alex realized they must have talked to Shannon. She would have hated admitting what had happened. “It was an accident.”
“Obviously. Gotta go.”
He frowned as he opened his front door and the scent of lemon and baking surrounded him. They were fragrances from the past, a time when he’d arrived to a house freshly cleaned and a cobbler cooling on the stove. After being raised as an unwanted foster child, Kim had been determined to do things right. Maybe that was why she’d kept Jeremy close at home and insisted he eat a certain way.
“What is going on, Shannon?” he asked the minute he saw her on the couch wrapping gifts.
“Nothing. Jeremy is taking a nap and I had the cleaning service come,” she said, looking up from the package she was taping. “They baked an apple cake, too. I figured you wouldn’t want me to destroy anything else.”
She’d assumed her polished veneer, the one that hid everything, and he sighed.
“I told you that stuff doesn’t matter.”
Her eyelashes swept down and she carefully measured a length of silver Christmas ribbon. “It matters to most men.”
Maybe. Once upon a time he’d even been that kind of man. Hell, he’d enjoyed the way Kim catered to his every whim. Unfortunately, it had also let him off the hook to be a real father and husband. He ought to have insisted Jeremy be allowed to play with other children and have occasional treats like pizza, but he’d chosen the easy route.
It was sobering to realize that in his efforts not to repeat the mistakes of his parents, screaming and yelling and never agreeing, he’d made a different mistake. Parenting ought to be something a mother and father did together, balancing each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
Shannon tied the ribbon around the package and he sighed again. Someone had hurt her in the past; probably someone a lot like him.
“Who told you men were like that?”
“I didn’t have to be told.”
“We both know there’s more to it,” he said, sitting and taking the spool of ribbon from her fingers. “Talk to me.”
“Hey, if we’re trading failed romance stories, you have to go first.” She made it sound like a joke, and breath hissed through his teeth. Damned stubborn woman.
“There isn’t much to tell, except for the way I left my wife and child eight months out of the year to pursue work I could have done at home. Does that qualify?”
“Alex. That isn’t…that’s not what I meant.”
“I know.” His tone gentled and he traced the line of her jaw. “But I don’t know how to make you believe me.”
She wrinkled her nose. “For heaven’s sake, it’s no big deal. It’s just that your wife was a gifted homemaker, and I obviously come up short compared to her. Even successful career women have episodes of insecurity, you know.”
“You could never come up short,” Alex said, appalled. “You made my son come alive again.”
You made me come alive again.
He now understood at a gut level why his parents had gotten married despite their gross incompatibility—they’d felt more alive together than apart. To be really alive, you had to feel deeply, and Alex had done his best to wall himself away from emotion. Shannon tried to hide her deepest emotions, but they were an integral part of her heart and soul.
What would it be like being the man she felt safe enough to turn to when she was vulnerable and upset, instead of trying to be strong for everyone else?
Alex swallowed.
He wasn’t that man.
Was he?
“Listen to me. I don’t give a hoot about the cooking or cleaning,” he insisted. “It was never about housekeeping when I said I wasn’t…well…”
“Getting married again?” she fin
ished for him.
“Yes. The truth is, I wasn’t a great husband,” he admitted. It was a relief to say it out loud, maybe because he knew Shannon wouldn’t judge him.
Shannon shook her head. “I saw Kim’s pictures. I know you made her happy. Isn’t that the real measure of a husband?”
He hoped that was true.
Alex had never been a cuddler, but he had a sudden need to do just that. He gave Shannon a sideways glance, wondering how she’d feel about it.
“Do you have to leave right away?” he asked.
“No. Do you need to go out again?”
He shook his head. “Just checking.” Getting up, he turned off the lights except those on the Christmas tree, then he sat on the floor and pulled Shannon down with him.
“Alex?”
His “just being friendly” routine from the night before stuck in his throat, so he settled her against his chest and inhaled the fragrance that clung to her hair and skin. He was still concerned about Jeremy and spending Christmas with Shannon’s family, but he needed a moment of peace. The curious part was seeking peace with a woman who’d turned his routine and self-control on its ear.
“Aren’t you worried about Jeremy finding us like this?” Shannon asked after a while.
“I worry about everything. It’s one of my defining characteristics.”
He sensed, more than heard, her laugh.
“Then why are we still sitting here?”
“I don’t know, but it feels good. Tell me more about No-Name,” he whispered, wanting to prolong the stolen interlude.
“His name is Magellan, for the explorer, because he has a tendency to find unusual routes through things. But there isn’t much to tell. He’s skittish and distrustful and hates loud noises, and he’s so anxious to be loved that it breaks my heart.”
Alex wondered if Magellan knew his good fortune.
“Then he isn’t sleeping with you?”
“Not when I first go to bed, but by morning he’s snuggled under the blankets. It just takes him awhile to get there.”
Sheesh.
He’d definitely chosen the wrong topic if he’d hoped to keep his mind from going haywire again. Visions of Shannon in bed were a sure guarantee of heat and guilt and other emotions he didn’t want to confront. Yet the guilt seemed further away now. Maybe he’d just needed to hear someone say that he’d made his wife happy. Kim’s love hadn’t been the selfish kind; she wouldn’t want him to be alone.
And Kim had been happy. She’d made the most of their time together, and found things that contented her when they weren’t.
“How did the meeting go today?” Shannon murmured.
The ordinary “how was your day” question made Alex smile. “Great. It was about me being assigned grad students next term. They sound like a good bunch. And Rita—the pregnant student I told you about—came by and said she’s decided to keep her baby. She still won’t say who the father is, but at least her folks have calmed down and want to help.”
“I should think they would,” Shannon said indignantly. “That poor kid. Kane has a corporate program to keep young mothers in school, but it’s easier when the parents are supportive. I’ll give you the number for her to call.”
“Thanks.”
Rain continued to patter outside, and the swish-slosh of cars driving the wet streets came more often now that commuters were arriving home from the city. Everything was dark except for the lights twinkling on the Christmas tree, and Alex wished it was possible to freeze time.
Sitting there in the holiday warmth that Shannon had created, there wasn’t any past or future, or any bad mistakes to repair or decisions to make. He could be like Magellan, exploring his way toward love and trust, nothing more to worry about than an unkind hand and sharply spoken words.
If only it were that easy.
Chapter Eleven
“Prooomise,” pleaded Jeremy.
Shannon hesitated. Jeremy had asked her to be there when he woke up on Christmas morning, but that meant she would have to spend the night. It was one thing to sleep at the McKenzies’ accidentally; it was another to do it deliberately.
“Yes. Promise?” Alex repeated his son’s request. “You can sleep in Jeremy’s room, and he can sleep with me.”
What about Jeremy getting the wrong idea? She asked the question silently, and Alex shrugged. She would be returning to work after the New Year, so maybe he figured they would gradually see less and less of each other, that way letting Jeremy down lightly.
It was depressing, but she summoned a smile. “All right. Except I’ll stay on the couch.”
Alex frowned. The proposed sleeping arrangement probably didn’t suit his notions of gallantry.
“Oh, pleeeze sleep in my room,” Jeremy begged before his father could say something.
“Uh-uh, I want to be down here and see Santa coming down the chimney.” She ignored the choking sound that came from Alex. “I never could catch him when I was little, but this might be the year I get lucky.”
“Santa?” The youngster’s face was scrunched up, doubtful but wanting to join in the fantasy at the same time.
“That’s right. We’ll put cookies and milk by the fireplace for him to eat, and leave the Christmas lights on all night.”
“So he can find us?”
“Santa doesn’t need lights to find us. He already knows you’re a good boy.”
“Daddy, I wanna sleep with Shannon and see Santa,” Jeremy declared firmly.
Shannon clasped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing as Alex sighed, long and hard. She now knew where Jeremy got his heartfelt sighs—from his daddy.
“Okay, you can sleep downstairs,” Alex said, conceding defeat. “But Santa is hard to catch, so don’t get your hopes up.”
He received a spontaneous hug that nearly knocked him backward. “Goody. My daddy is the bestest daddy,” Jeremy declared proudly.
That was one of the reasons parents made bad decisions, Alex decided wryly, so they could hear their kids saying they were great. Despite Shannon’s chiding, he’d intended to stand firm on the subject of Santa Claus. The jolly old guy was merely a Christmas icon; his son needed to understand that it was the spirit of giving that was important.
Then Alex thought of the gifts for his family that he’d shipped the day he’d met Shannon and realized the spirit of giving had little to do with his efforts. It was duty—the tired habit of sending gifts to people he hardly knew any longer.
What had he gotten for Gail?
He remembered. A gold chain. Something light for mailing to Japan. Probably similar to what he’d gotten the year before, and the year before that. Now he wished he had chosen something with more care.
“You are the bestest,” Shannon said, smiling faintly. She rose and asked Jeremy to come with her into the den, so she could show him the computer games she’d brought.
How quickly she’d become a part of their daily lives. Now that it was the Christmas break and he didn’t have to fight Jeremy over day-care, he ought to have begun the painful process of limiting their time together. But he hadn’t been able to do it. The way his son’s face lit up whenever he was around Shannon was too hard to resist.
After Christmas, Alex resolved.
He would break things off after the holidays. Shannon had restored the security his son had lost, and it must not be taken away too quickly.
What about your security?
Alex scowled at his nagging conscience. His next-door neighbor had become far too important to him, as well. She was so beautiful, it took his breath away, but that wasn’t the problem. It was the way she made him believe in possibilities that truly disturbed him.
He’d believed Kim was the perfect woman for him, with her calm and gentle nature. Shannon was nothing like that, yet she was loving and generous and filled with the joy of living. Could she be his second chance?
“You push that button, and see what happens?”
Jeremy was all smiles
as he played on Shannon’s laptop. She’d ordered several games after he’d shown so much interest in computers at her office.
“You’re spoiling him,” Alex murmured when she walked into the kitchen. He gazed at her over the edge of his coffee cup, still blinking groggily, though he’d been awake for a couple of hours.
“They’re educational games. I did my research. You can’t spoil children with educational toys.”
“Uh-huh.”
She thought of the call she’d taken for Alex the previous day while he was out shopping, and smiled with secret delight. It had been Alex’s sister, trying to reach him on his home phone. They’d introduced themselves and talked for a few minutes. Apparently Alex had called Gail a few days before, which started her thinking about coming to Seattle for Christmas. Hearing that, Shannon had instantly invited her to the O’Rourke holiday celebration. But because Gail still wasn’t sure she’d been able to get a last-minute ticket for the nine-hour flight from Japan to Seattle, she’d asked Shannon not to tell Alex in case her travel plans fell through.
Shannon hoped Gail would be able to come. Families should be together for Christmas.
“I suppose you’re grinning like a Cheshire cat because of that Santa Claus stuff,” Alex grumbled.
“He’s only four years old, not twenty-four. When did you stop believing?”
“I never believed.”
Sadness filled Shannon at his flat tone. She’d been raised by parents utterly devoted to each other and their children, who’d taught them about Irish mysticism and endless love, gifts she’d never fully appreciated before meeting Alex.
She’d fallen in love with him, the way her mother had fallen for a wild Irish lad. But it was by no means certain that Alex felt the same. He was so closed, so determined not to be disappointed again by love and life.
She’d thought her inability to be domestic was the biggest obstacle to love and marriage, but not with Alex. Those things faded into insignificance next to the big issues.
“Come on,” she said suddenly. “Let’s go someplace.”
“Huh?”
“Jeremy?” she called. “We’re going out.” Shannon smiled at Alex. “It’s December twenty-third and it has finally stopped raining. Let’s celebrate.”
Meet Me Under The Mistletoe (O'Rourke Family 5) Page 12
