by Tara Wyatt
He frowned slightly but didn’t let go of her hand. “What do you mean?”
She licked her lips, nerves zinging through her. “What if being with me makes you feel like you have to choose between your family and our relationship?”
“This is because of the dinner.”
“Partly, yeah. And the tension our relationship is causing for your family—a family that includes Cara whether I like it or not. I’m scared I’m always going to be an outsider. Just like I was with my own family. Just like I was with Eric.”
Javi’s eyes searched her face, and she could tell he didn’t quite know what to say, confirming that her fears and doubts were valid. Finally, after the silence had stretched on just a little too long, he spoke. “You’re not an outsider, and I’m really sorry if I’ve done anything to make you feel that way. It’s…it’s a complicated situation.”
She nodded. “It is.” Her mind flashed back again to Theo’s warning about how messy things could get in a situation like this. “I feel like there’s always going to be this push-pull between me and your family and that’s not fair. To you, or to me. I feel like I’d be making you choose, and I don’t want to do that.”
Javi shook his head. “You’re not making me choose. I have room in my life for a relationship with you and my family. I’m still figuring all of this out too.”
“I know.” She bit her lip and nodded, her body feeling heavy, her mind scattered. Every time she tried to catch a thought and hold onto it, it flitted away and disappeared, like a momentary butterfly.
“Tell me what you need.”
She sighed and gently withdrew her hand from his. “I never fit with my family. I never fit with Eric. I thought I fit with you, but now I’m not so sure. So I think what I need more than anything is some time to figure out where I do fit. I’m tired of feeling like an outsider in my own life.”
Javi closed his eyes, the pain etched into his features. “You mean time apart.”
“I do.” She bit her lip, meeting his eyes when he opened them. “I think some time apart might be good for you, too.”
“In what way?” he asked, his brow furrowed.
She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times and then dove in, feeling like she was jumping out of a plane without a parachute. “The other night, when we were having sex, I told you I loved you. And you didn’t say it back.”
His frown deepened. “I didn’t?”
She shook her head, her hair brushing against her cheeks. “No, you didn’t.” She managed a shaky smile. “Believe me, I’d remember. And I don’t want you to say it right now because then I’d always wonder if you only said it because I was upset you didn’t say it back.” She cleared her throat, feeling like an insecure high school girl. “All I’m saying is, maybe your feelings aren’t as cut and dried as you might’ve thought, and some time apart to figure out how you feel might be good.”
His features tightened and he scrubbed a hand over his face. “If that’s what you want.”
She reached out and took his hand. “It’s what I need. What I think we both need. This started out as one thing and turned into something else, and things got messy and complicated and it all happened so fast. I need to hit pause.”
“Okay. Okay. Take some time, but Aerin, you need to know that I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to make any big declarations or anything because you asked me not to, but you have to know that I want you in my life. Even if things are hard or messy or complicated. I want you.”
She nodded and pulled in a shaky breath, tears threatening. He cared about her, maybe even loved her. But would that be enough? She didn’t know.
“I’m going to go to New York for a little while, stay with Theo,” she said. She hadn’t really made any plans, but in the moment, it felt right. A break not just from Javi, but from Dallas, might be good. A return to her old stomping grounds might give her some perspective on where she fit in all of this.
“Okay. For how long?”
She shrugged. “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
He nodded slowly, a resigned, hurt look on his face. “Can I text you? Call you?”
“Can I have some space? I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk. Okay?”
He inhaled and bit his lip, nodding. She hated that this was hurting him, but she didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t move forward with him until they were both sure it was what was best. And right now, with the way he’d lied, with how complicated things were with his family, with how she felt, she wasn’t sure of that at all.
She walked him to the door, and after hesitating for a moment, he pulled her into his arms, kissing her temple. “I’ll miss you,” he whispered, and then he was gone.
Aerin headed back to the couch to cry.
Javi curled his fingers around the wood of the bat, savoring the solid heft of it in his hands, letting it anchor him against the emotions pulling at him, trying to take him to a dark place. Trying to pull him under and drown him in a sea of misery and self-loathing. But this time, he had a life raft, and ironic as it was, that life raft was Aerin. Because while he knew he’d fucked up—pretty huge—he also knew he was more than the sum total of his mistakes. She’d shown him that. She’d made him feel worthy of good things with the way she’d opened herself up to him, the way she’d let herself love again after the heartbreak she’d endured. The way she’d chosen him.
He tightened his grip on the bat and swung, the ball careening off of the batting cage with a metallic rattle. Despite not letting himself get sucked into a tidal wave of doubt and wondering if all he did was hurt people, guilt still gnawed at him. He shouldn’t have lied to her. It didn’t matter that he’d been trying to protect her or that he thought he’d been doing the right thing. He’d left her vulnerable, even more so because of her past, and that definitely made him a pretty big asshole in this situation.
Okay, so maybe he was beating himself up a little. But he should’ve known better. He’d just been so sure that he had it all handled that he hadn’t treated her like an equal partner, and in the process, he’d hurt her and made her question both her feelings and their relationship. And he hated that he’d made her feel that way.
He swallowed around the rawness in his throat and readied himself from the next pitch. Trying to focus on anything but the hole, wide and deep, right in the middle of his chest that was made up entirely of missing Aerin. Missing her so badly that he was here hitting balls only thirty-six hours later so that he wouldn’t go to her place to see if she’d left Dallas yet. Hell, if he knew she wanted to see him, he’d probably be on a plane to New York right now. But he was trying like hell to give her what she’d asked for. It was the least he could do after screwing up and hurting her the way he had.
And now, all he could to was wait. To give her time like she’d asked for. She’d said that he needed time too, but he didn’t. He knew how he felt about her. He loved her—so much so that he’d tried to protect her from getting hurt—and that wasn’t going to change.
And if she decided that she didn’t love him? That she wasn’t willing to work through their obstacles together?
Then he’d fight. He’d fight for her until he had nothing left. But first he’d give her time, even if it was killing him, just a little.
The final ball spat out of the machine and he swung at it, making solid contact and feeling that welcome vibration up his forearms. It had been a long time since he’d snuck in here at night just to hit some baseballs, and he had to admit that it was helping with the anxiety clawing at his chest. The sky was dark, the stars obscured by clouds, and a light breeze blew through the air, cool on his skin. The scents of the park always grounded him—the grass, the chalk, the pine tar—and he liked having it all to himself.
And so, he went back and loaded a fresh round of baseballs into the machine just to have something to do. To fill the time between now and when he’d get to see Aerin again.
She’d asked for space, and he could give her that. H
e could wait. He loved her, and he wasn’t going anywhere.
Nineteen
For the first time in a long time, Aerin woke up bright and early without a single thing to do. She’d been working nearly sixteen hours a day on getting her new agency up and running, trying to focus on anything but the ache around her heart. She’d set up camp in Theo’s guest room, burying herself in work, not yet ready to think about Javi. She was dreading unpacking everything and figuring out if she saw a future with him. Because she knew what she wanted, but she also knew—better than most—that wanting something didn’t magically make it happen.
So, she’d worked. She’d worked and worked, until finally around midnight last night, Theo had confiscated her phone and her laptop and told her to take just a couple of days off.
“You can’t run from your thoughts forever, AerBear. Face it now, because the longer you wait, the bigger it’s going to get. Climb a hill instead of a mountain.”
Sometimes she hated how smart Theo was.
And so, she found herself wide awake at six-thirty in the morning with nothing to do. The rest of the apartment was silent, so she quietly made her way to the kitchen, made herself a cup of coffee and then took a seat on the couch, staring out over the Manhattan skyline, watching the sun come up, temporarily painting the buildings breathtaking shades of pink and orange, bathing them in light. An urban jungle made of steel and concrete and glass—an urban jungle she’d spent three quarters of her life roaming. A single face in a sea of faces. In that moment, she realized that she’d always been searching for a place to belong. A place where her life could happen. A place where she’d find home—not a physical place, but an emotional place.
Had she found that with Javi? What if she had, but there were too many obstacles to make it last?
She sighed and took a sip of her coffee, mulling it over. She knew she’d done the right thing, taking some time and some space. She couldn’t move forward without knowing her own mind. And now that Theo had taken her distractions a way, she had no choice but to lean into the space she’d taken.
Just then, Theo’s bedroom door opened and he emerged wearing a T-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants, his hair sticking up at funny but endearing angles. Looking much more like her baby brother and less like the high-priced lawyer. He stretched and squinted at her.
“You could’ve slept in, you know.”
“Did I wake you?” she asked, cradling her coffee mug in her hands.
He shook his head, scratching his cheek. “You didn’t. The smell of coffee did.” He shuffled into his kitchen, cupboards slamming, cutlery clanking as he made himself a cup, making easily three times as much noise as when she’d made her own.
Coffee in hand, he flopped into the armchair adjacent to the couch. “So, any breakthroughs yet?”
She smiled into her cup and shook her head. “No.”
He shrugged. “It’ll come.”
“Are you going into the office today?” She knew it was Saturday, but that didn’t mean a whole lot for any of the workaholics in her family. A part of her wanted him to say yes so she could have the place to herself, to think, to soak in the tub, to read and maybe write down her thoughts.
Theo made a face. “No, Lauren roped me into this poetry reading at the library.”
Aerin smirked at him. “I get that poetry isn’t your thing, but you did drag her to that comedy puppet show last night.”
Theo’s face twisted into mock outrage. “Hey, puppets are cool as shit. Poetry readings, not so much.”
Aerin leveled a look at him. “And yet you’re up and going.”
Theo shrugged, staring down into his mug. “What? She’s my best friend.”
Idly, Aerin wondered if maybe Lauren was more, but she knew better than to ask. Theo was practically allergic to romantic relationships, and after witnessing their parents pick at each other like buzzards for years, she couldn’t blame him.
“Well, in either case, I’m glad to have some time to myself. Take a bath, read a book, go for a walk.” Small luxuries that she realized she often denied herself in the name of getting more done.
“Good. Decompress. Brains don’t work well when coasting on fumes of cortisol and adrenaline.”
She nodded and sipped at her coffee as they settled into an easy silence, watching the sun rise into the sky, shining down onto the millions of people below. She had to admit, it felt good just to sit. To be. To stop trying to run from the questions looming large in her mind.
As if he could read her mind, Theo glanced over at her, running a hand through his thick, unruly hair. “What are you most scared of?” He asked it casually, like he was asking her if she knew the time.
“That I’ll go all in on something I’m not sure about and wind up getting my heart broken again. You know, the thing you warned me about.”
Theo grinned, a rueful half smile. “And if that happens?”
“Then…I don’t know if I can survive it. I did it once, and it cost me so much. It changed me. If I have to go through it again…” She shrugged, curling her fingers tighter around the mug for warmth. For comfort. “I don’t know where that’ll leave me.”
Theo sat up, set his coffee mug down on the coffee table and laced his fingers together between his knees. “What Eric did was horrible. He hurt you and blew up your life in the process. But Aerin—listen, this is the important part, okay?—you survived. Any major life change is bound to change you, but you survived and look what you did. You rebuilt your life into something amazing. You didn’t need anyone to save you—you started over by yourself and it only made you stronger.”
“Maybe, but…I don’t want to face that kind of pain again.”
“I know, and that’s why I said what I did after sushi. But you clearly love this guy.” He shrugged. “Nothing’s ever a guarantee, AerBear. You just have to decide which risks are worth it.”
“It sounds like you’re telling me to go for it.”
He held up his hands. “Hey, I’m pretty much the furthest thing from a romantic, okay? But it sounds like you found the real thing with him. The good shit. If you think someone you’ve been dating for a few months has the power to break your heart the way your husband of ten years did…” He let out a low whistle. “That’s something.”
She bit her lip, uncertainty still filling her up, warring for space with the tiny glimmer of hope trying to take root. “I didn’t realize how crushingly lonely I was until…until him.” She swallowed thickly, her throat starting to ache in a familiar way. “I’d been living this shadow life, and being with him pulled me into the light.” She met Theo’s eyes. “But what if that’s not enough? What if I never fit with him? What if ending things now is for the best?”
“Okay, first of all, that’s like cutting off your hand because you’re scared of getting arthritis one day. One possible outcome doesn’t necessarily outweigh other possible outcomes. I mean, that’s kind of a false dichotomy, isn’t it? Assuming that the only two paths are blissful, perfect happiness or heartbreak?”
“I get that there are shades of gray. But that doesn’t address the biggest question.”
“But it does. You’re worried you don’t fit with him, but Aerin, you fit where you want to fit. You get to choose. And if you choose him, yes, blended families take a lot of work and patience, but that doesn’t mean it’s not your choice to make, because it is. If you want to fit with him, if you want a home and a world with him, then you have to consciously choose that. You don’t get to choose your circumstances. But you do get to choose what you do with them.”
She let Theo’s words wash over her, pulling them deep within herself. Was that true? Could she choose? Was it that easy?
“You are far less jaded than I would’ve assumed given our childhood and the fact that you watch couples fight all day.”
Theo shot her a smile. “Oh, don’t worry. I’m plenty jaded. But we’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about you. I’m going to say something to y
ou and you have to promise to hear it, okay?”
“Okay,” she said warily, eyeing him over the rim of her nearly empty mug.
“Eric took so much from you. Don’t let him take this, too. You’re clearly head over heels in love with this guy, AerBear. Take a risk. Take a chance. Choose. Believe that you fit where you want.” He slipped his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen. “I need to hop in the shower so they don’t mistake me for a bum at the library. Hey, do you think if I showed up like this, they might not let me in? And then we’d have to miss all of the poetry…”
“Go. Shower. I’ll be fine.”
Three little words that for the first time in a long time, she actually believed.
Aerin spent the next two days immersed in Manhattan. Immersed in her thoughts. Immersed in opening herself up to life. Immersed in believing in new ideas of home and family and belonging.
Immersed in missing Javi.
Something inside her was changing, and it felt so damn good.
She let Theo keep her laptop and her phone for the weekend while she spent time connecting with her thoughts. With herself, and with her surroundings. Grounding herself in the present, trying to stretch time. She went to the movies. She swam in the indoor pool on the ground floor of Theo’s building. She walked the High Line. She buried herself in a true crime book. She drank wine on a rooftop patio. She went to an Upright Citizens Brigade show. She drank coffee and ate a cupcake in Central Park.
For two days, she stopped moving and let herself just be. Just live. She’d thought that work had saved her from completely falling apart after Eric had left, but she knew now that that wasn’t the case. All she’d done was hide from her feelings. She’d mistaken surviving for thriving, and she didn’t want to make that same mistake again. This time, no matter what ended up happening with Javi, she knew she’d choose differently.
And for the first time, living her life and choosing what she wanted didn’t feel so mutually exclusive. She wasn’t sacrificing one for the other. She could weave them together—her life and the choices she made, the choices she wanted to make—into something even bigger. And so, on Sunday night, she booked a flight back to Dallas.
