Thinking back on our last conversation, had me glance over and pick up the last family picture that was taken of the five of us that last Christmas together that Claudia had put on her end table. I begged her to take the picture down or put it in her bedroom, because it made me so sad, but she refused and said it made her happy to look at it and that I never come into the living room anyway, so why did I care.
That last Christmas was so amazing and wonderful. Derek and I had gotten all 3 kids brand new bicycles and after we had eaten our Christmas dinner, Derek and I went for a walk, while following them on their bikes. I was so nervous, because Jenna was so little, but her big brothers were always protecting her. Jordan stayed in front of her and would tell her when she needed to stop and Jeremiah stayed behind her and kept telling her what a good job she was doing, because she had learned a few months before how to ride without training wheels. Derek and I were behind all of them just laughing and talking about how sweet they were to their baby sister and how when they grew up they would be over protective, when the boys came knocking at the door for their little sister. I put the picture down, waiting for Claudia to come back into the living room.
************
I glance up 30 minutes later and see a white bra in the air, hanging off of a hanger at the corner of the wall. I immediately started giggling and Claudia poked her head around the corner with a big smile on her face.
"Can we call a truce? Please?" She gets down on her knees and starts crawling towards me, which has me rolling in laughter.
"Ok, okay. Truce! Now get up off of the ground." By now she's almost on top of me, batting her eyes at me.
"Only if you mean it." She pretends to tickle me and she knows how ticklish I am and how much I hated it when she or Derek would do that to me, to get me to give in to them.
"Yes I mean it, but if you even think about tickling me, I will take it back!!" She immediately gets up and goes to the other end of the couch and sits towards me and turns the TV off.
"Okay. Let’s talk. Let me have it. Oh, and good job at kicking Cash by the way. Thank God I know how to sit like a lady at a table, or I'd be making you nurse my leg today. And I must say, Bravo. Hahahaha." She stands up and bows to me, while clapping. "At first I thought he had lost his mind, until I saw the look of utter pain on his face and the shocked look on your face and I realized you were meaning to kick me." She is laughing so hard when she sits down, that she starts kicking her legs into the air pretending to kick someone. How Claudia always manages to find humor in everything, I will never know. Honestly, it calmed me down. Inwardly, I was still wishing it was her that I had kicked instead of Cash.
"I was mortified when I realized it was Cash that I kicked, but after he gave me the job description, I was glad it was him that I kicked! His poor babies! Does he spend any time with them at all?" The idea of him not spending any time with them broke my heart. Their mother was dead and it sounded like he was there, but he didn't make himself available to them at all.
"Yeah, when he was telling us, I was kind of shocked myself. When Vanessa was alive and Gideon was little, he was a hands-on dad. He would even change his diapers and take him to visit friends, so Vanessa could rest. Vanessa told me that she fell more in love with him when he became a father, because there was nothing more attractive than a man with urine or throw up on his shirt, while cuddling his child and falling asleep in each other’s arms." It was good to know that I wasn't the only one to pick up on the fact that he wasn't quite being a dad to his kids. Well, from what he said. Who knows what really happens when no one is around.
"I just hope for their sakes that it’s not all business with him and he does find time to spend with them. Did you notice that he got a gleam in his eye when he talked about his little boy, but when he was talking about his daughter he looked sad? Surely, he doesn't blame her for Vanessa's death. That would be awful for her, to grow up and not feel loved by her father. That's just crazy, if he is." There is nothing more important than for a little girl to grow up idolizing their fathers. Your father is supposed to be your first love and make you feel loved and safe and secure.
"Not any crazier than YOU thinking that you killed YOUR family. Accidents happen and that's just what they are. ACCIDENTS!" I looked at her and she knew immediately that she had hit a nerve with me.
"There's no comparison, Claud and you know it! How DARE you say that to me!"
"Why is it different? From what I've heard, there was no medical miracle that could have saved Vanessa. How is your situation different?" She looked at me as if she were goading me and she raised up on the couch ready for my attack.
"For one thing, I didn't just lose a spouse. I lost my WHOLE family! Husband AND kids! At least he has two kids to keep her memory alive, when he looks into their eyes. I have what?" I glanced at the photograph she had on her end table. "PICTURES? Their GRAVES to go visit on Memorial Day and their BIRTHDAYS?" I stand up to go to my bedroom, because I'm not having this conversation.
"Olivia! Don't you DARE walk out on this conversation! I'll tell you what you DO HAVE. You have your LIFE, to continue on and LIVE. That's what you HAVE DAMMIT! You are 32 years old, not 72. You're way too young to NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE. If you're going to just throw it all away like you are acting LIKE YOU WANT TO DO, then you might as well just pack up YOUR SHIT right now and join a CONVENT! You're young and beautiful and there's absolutely NO REASON as to why you can't meet someone down the road and have more kids and have a family again. THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE! So don't bother walking out now. I've already said what I want to say and I'm getting out of here for a few hours."
"Say hello to my parents then, because I'm sure that's who you're going to call, to tell them that I didn't fall for your scheme of replacing my entire family. POOR OLIVIA! SHE'S SO DEPRESSED, WE SHOULD HAVE HER COMMITTED!" I'm standing behind her, just waiting to hear what she has to say next, but she turns around and has tears falling down her cheeks and she seems a little calmer.
"I'm not calling your parents, O. I just need to get some air. I'm sorry I went a little ballistic, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I know I'm right about this. You have given up and you seem to think that your life is over. That's the only reason I told Cash you would take the job, so that you could get out there and see what the world is about again, because you're missing out on a great life, if you would just live it. I didn't mean for you to take it the way you did. I know you can't replace Derek and the kids. There will never be another Derek, Jordan, Jeremiah, or Jenna. They were each their own unique person, but you can still have another family someday, a different family, full of life and love and laughter. It doesn't mean you have to forget about them, but just.... Move forward. They would want you to be happy and that's all I want for you as well. I love you, Olivia. Don't you know that? I care about how you feel and what you're doing to yourself."
She walked up closer to me and hugged me as hard as she could and I hugged her back, not realizing that I had needed the comfort as well. She then picked up her keys and purse and left. Just like that, as I'm standing in the middle of the living room with tears streaming down my face. After a couple of minutes of just standing there, I walked into my bedroom and crawled into my bed and pulled my hair over my shoulder and started running my fingers through it, thinking about what all she said and thinking that maybe she was right. It was time for me to move on and as I was falling asleep, I was hoping to see Derek and the kids in my dreams.
****************
I woke up to buzzing. I looked over at the alarm clock on the night stand and it was one in the afternoon. I had slept for four more hours after my argument with Claud. I realize the buzzing sound is coming from my cell phone and I immediately answer it, before whoever it is goes to voicemail.
"Hello?" I didn't even think to look at the caller ID.
"Hello, sweetheart! Are you just now waking up from your wonderful night out last night? Please tell me yes." Oh my word. It's my Mother! Wonderful night? That would be a
big no!
"I was taking a nap, Mom. I've already been up and was still worn out from yesterday and last night, so I needed a nap. How are you doing?" Please don't ask me a bunch of questions. This is my mantra every time I speak to my mother.
"Oh, I've been fine, Honey. Actually, I've been ecstatic since your Father told me you got out of the house yesterday. It absolutely made my year. You have no idea how worried we have been about you and especially yesterday." I have one decent normal day and everyone thinks I'm turning a corner and everything is supposed to be.... What? Back to normal? There will never be a back to normal for me. I don't care if I have a week of decent days.
"Well, I wouldn't say shopping and getting my nails done was the answer to all of my problems, Mother. But, I'm really glad that everyone seems to think so." Why is it so much easier to talk to my Dad than it is my mother? I know she's just worried about me. I could hear her hesitation through the phone, so I quickly apologize.
"I'm sorry, Mom. I know that sounded rude, but yesterday was a long day and it really did wear me out. I've been a little cranky today." There. Hopefully that will make her feel better, because at the moment I feel like a child again that needs scolded.
"It's okay, Sweetheart. I know that one day isn't going to clear your mind of all your hurts and worries, but honey, just taking that first step at something normal was a big deal. I just don't think you realize it yet."
Yes, I'm starting to realize it. Yesterday seemed, well, normal. I couldn't tell you how many days Claudia and I had like that in high school and when she would go visit all of us during the holidays.
"Claud and I did have fun Mom, but I think I need to space it out in spurts. It was a really long day, like I said, but I did enjoy myself and it was the first day in a very long time that I've actually laughed and didn't feel guilty about it, so that's saying something. Oh, and I actually got a job offer last night." Oh, why did I tell her that? Now I'm going to have to tell her what it is. I was just trying to change the subject. Why did I go there?
"Oh, honey. That's great! What kind of job offer? No matter what it is, I know you'll do great!" I could hear the excitement in her voice.”
“It was a job offer to be a nanny, but I'm not going to take it, Mom. I just can't handle being around kids. I don't think it would be a good idea." I cringe every time I drive by a park where kids are playing. I would take the kids after school once a week to the little park in town, and I would take snacks and drinks along. It was always our favorite day of the week. The boys would always tease each other about certain girls that they liked and Jenna would beg me to push her in the swing the whole time, because it was her favorite thing to do.
"Well, I can see why you are hesitant, but Olivia... You were always good with children, even before you had your own. You pretty much ran your own daycare every summer when you were in high school and if I remember correctly you made some pretty good money doing it." I did enjoy doing it and I paid cash for my first car with that money. I was really proud of that car, because I worked really hard to pay for it and it was an accomplishment to say that it was mine and not given to me, like all of my other class mates, who just had things given to them without ever having to work for it.
"Money isn't really the problem, Mom. Granted, I would be paid a lot, and I mean a lot of money doing it, but we both know I don't need the money and this wouldn’t be like working in a daycare. This would be spending time with them twenty four seven, through the week and off on the weekends. I would get attached, I know, and what if it didn't work out? I can't see myself working for the children's father. He's kind of a jerk and doesn't spend any time with them, as far as I could tell and I would be their substitute mother in a way, because their mother is dead." That's the reason I'm so scared to do it. My heart already goes out to them and I haven't even met them.
"Oh, sweetie. That just breaks my heart for those babies, maybe you could reconsider. Try it for a couple of weeks and see how you feel about it maybe?" This thought had crossed my mind, because I'm realizing that getting a job would get me out of the house and not dwelling on the past so much, but I'm more interested in an office job of some sort, not being a full time Nanny.
"I don't know, Mom. Claudia and I discussed me applying for the file clerk position at the firm where she works. I think that would probably be the best thing to do."
"Olivia, I don't care what job you get, I just want you to be happy again, sweetie. I'm just glad you're thinking about it." I could tell that she was smiling. "Oh, I need to go. I have your dad planting some trees outside and he is putting one where I told him NOT to put it!" Oh, my poor father, haha...
"Poor Dad. Go easy on him, you slave driver! Haha... Mom, you ought to think about being a prison warden. Haha." I bet she tells Dad what I said and he's going to flip out, thinking I ratted him out, which will end up making him rat himself out. Just the thought had me laughing my head off.
"Slave driver? Do you know how long it has taken me to get him to work on the stuff I've wanted done to the house? Months! You let me know what you decide to do. I love you, sweetheart."
"I love you too, Mom. Talk to you later, bye." I'm glad we ended the conversation better than it started. I hear the front door open and Claudia coming in and it sounds like she has groceries with her. I'm not sure if I should go help, or go back to sleep and not face the music. Oh, who am I kidding? I might as well go face the music.
*****************
I walk into the kitchen and Claudia is putting up groceries and I see a pizza box setting on the counter top. My stomach automatically growls, as the aroma reaches me. She turned around and saw me standing there.
"Hey." She turned back around to put the milk and eggs into the fridge.
"Hey yourself. I guess pizza is for lunch?" I can tell that she does not want to talk to me, by the fact that she never turned around to look at me and by her long sigh.
"You can eat whatever you want. It's your house, too." And here we are... A civil conversation, but not really. Man I've messed things up between us pretty bad. I know that all she's trying to do is help because she loves me, and I know I worry her, but she has been pushing me too far the last couple of days. But if I'm honest with myself, I've also been hiding from reality for the past year and a half in my grief, waiting for death to find me and it hasn't found me yet. The more I think about our conversation this morning, the more I'm beginning to think that maybe she's right.
"So, I guess we aren't going to go have lunch today?" She turns around this time and glares at me. Ouch.
"I didn't think you would feel like going to eat today, for our usual Sunday lunch after doing so much yesterday, so I decided to bring dinner home." She pointed at the pizza box. "If you don't want pizza, I bought sandwich stuff or whatever you want to do. I'm through suggesting anything." I've really messed up this day, or maybe messed up period.
"Claud? I'm so sorry about this morning. I've been thinking about it and you were right. I will do better from now on. I mean it" I'm looking at her, but she's staring at the floor now, anywhere but at me. She looks up at me and she just looks so vacant, like she's there but she's not.
"I really don't care anymore. You don't have to prove anything to me. I'm tired of fighting with you, worrying about coming home and finding you dead from suicide, not being able to sleep at night, so that if you have a nightmare, I can go comfort you and tell you the same thing I always do, that there is a reason you are alive." She looks defeated and it’s my entire fault. I put that stress on her shoulders. Here I am thinking that she's been selfish, by forcing me to quit grieving and I'm the one that has been selfish, by fighting with her because she's what? Trying to get me to remember how to live? How to have fun?
"I know I'm not the only one that lost a lot that day. Derek was your brother and they were your niece and nephews and the only family you had left, besides me, but I'm wondering, how did you get through it? Since I obviously checked out, how did you cope with everything
?" Why I wanted to know the answer, I will never know, but I wasn't expecting her answer. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
"I wouldn't say I've gotten through it, Olivia, because living with you, I am reminded of it all day long every day, but as far as how I cope with everything?" She sits down at the table and I follow her lead and sit across from her.
"I joined a grief counseling group five months ago, to try to figure out a way to help you, because I haven't been doing a good job of helping you myself. I was hoping that after the one year anniversary went by you would kind of come out of your depression, but you didn't. I've learned that I had a lot of grief that I was holding onto, because I didn't have anyone to talk to and once I started talking about it, it's really helped." I am shocked to hear this, because I know how she feels about therapy of any kind. She has always thought that it was a waste of time and money. I'm also embarrassed and ashamed of myself at not being there for her. She had mentioned a couple of times about me going and I waved her off telling her that all I needed was time. I've used that excuse for a very, very long time.
"I have really been a lousy selfish friend to you and for that, I am so sorry." I reach across the table and grab her hand. So many times she has been the one to grab my hand and comfort me and I took her for granted and never once thought about how she was dealing with her grief.
"I don't want to play the blame game. I just want us to figure out a way to move forward and get rid of the ghosts in this house and focus on living, I just can't take the darkness that's in this house anymore, I feel suffocated!" That's exactly how I have felt since the accident. Like I was suffocating and couldn't ever catch my breath. It's time to start breathing again. A thought crossed my mind, something that I really needed to do, but haven't had the courage to do.
Lost and Found Page 6
