"He asked me to spend the weekend with him and said he'd pay me extra for it. It pissed me off, so I told him that I wasn't a whore and I left!" The way I said it had me cracking up, and both of us were dying laughing.
"He said what? What the hell has been going on at that house for him to ask you that?" I know my face had turned red, because I immediately looked guilty and she slapped me on the leg.
"Oh my God, Olivia! You didn't! Woo freaking hoo! Olivia! Olivia! You still got it. Yes, you do. I told ya, you had it! You never dreamed it, but you did it!"
She is actually standing up in the only open spot in the living room doing a cheer. Moves and all, jumping up and down, and it took me back to high school. She was always the captain of her cheer squad, because she could dance her ass off and she was awesome at it.
"First off! I didn't! Secondly, I'm all over the place. A lot has happened in a week’s time. This living life crap is for the birds. I forgot how much life is a roller coaster of emotions. I am absolutely worn out from everything that's happened this week." I am mentally and physically exhausted, is what I am. Claudia comes to sit down next to me and puts her hand on my leg.
"So, you guys kissed then. How WAS kissing the Greek God? Give me details! How many times? Did you make out like horny teens? Come on, O! Talk! Do I have to do another cheer? Because you know I will!"
Oh God, I love her. She had me giggling. She wasn't going to leave me alone until I told her everything, so I told her everything from beginning to end, while eating take out that she ordered, while drinking a couple of bottles of wine. Yes, I said bottles.
It was fun having girl talk. I was afraid she would judge me, because of Derek being her brother. Here I am carrying on with my boss and she told me I was crazy and that she never expected me to live like a nun. She was happy for both of us and was hoping that it turned into something. I told her she was crazy, because we both still had way too many issues that we were dealing with.
I went to bed drunk from the wine and I thought about calling him to tell him that I would accept his apology, but when I saw how late it was, I didn't and went to bed. I never opened the cards, because I just didn't want to think about what they said and couldn't fathom seeing all of the apologies written down over and over. So, I decided to wait for when I got up in the morning.
As I am trying to fall asleep, the only thing that keeps going through my mind is that I need to quit my job. I need to quit my job.
*****************
I get woken up by Claudia shaking me and almost pulling me out of the bed.
"Olivia! Wake up! Cash is here! He's in the living room and he brought breakfast. GET UP!"
"What? Cash is here? Why'd you let him in?" I'm in shock. What the hell is he doing here?
"Seriously? Did you think I was going to tell him to leave? I've known him forever! I'm not going to be rude to him, just because you two had a tiff!" I stand up to start changing my clothes and the room starts spinning.
"Oh my lord! I'm still drunk! What time is it?" I look over at my night stand and the alarm clock says 7:00. I look from the clock to Claudia.
"Are you freaking kidding me? Is the sun even up yet?" She shakes her head no.
"Just hurry up. I'll go talk to him, while you're changing."
."Alright, just get out of here.”
I shoo her out. What in the world is he doing here and why so early? I pull a long sleeved shirt over my tank top, take my short shorts off, grab some sweats out of the drawer, throw them on, and run to the bathroom. I'm still woozy from the wine, but I'll just have to deal with that later.
I walk out of the bathroom and down the obstacle course that used to be a hallway, and turn around and stop in my tracks at what I see. He does in fact look like a Greek God, surrounded by all of the lavender in the room, as he towers over Claudia.
He senses that I've come into the room and he turns around to look at me and my heart drops. He looks exactly how I feel. Like shit! He has circles under his eyes and it doesn't look like he got any sleep at all.
Claudia pats him on the shoulder and walks toward me and as she passes by me, she whispers "go easy on him, O." and keeps walking to her bedroom.
He quickly walks up to me and swoops me in his arms, leans down, and whispers in my ear, "I'm so sorry, Liv. I didn't mean to disrespect you like that, and it wasn't my intention at all." I just hugged him back. I open my eyes and look at all of the plants everywhere and realize that no one has ever gone to such great lengths like he has done to apologize to me ever.
When Derek and I would get into an argument, he would always expect me to side with him and get over it if I didn't like it. He was always right and I was always wrong and I just learned to accept it. He had never even gotten me flowers after we were married, except for once on one of our anniversaries, because I kept hinting around about it. He didn't have them sent and get romantic about it either. He just came home from work that weekend and said here ya go, happy anniversary. That was it! There had to be at least 100 different bouquets and plants in this house.
I looked up at Cash and he looked like a wounded animal, worse than that. He had that same haunting look on his face that I saw at the cemetery.
"Come on Cash, let’s sit down." I led him to the couch, sat down next to me, leaned over, grabbed my hand that was closest to him, and entwined our fingers together.
"I see you got my flowers." He was grinning at me guiltily, like he might have gone overboard. "How come you didn't open the cards, Liv?"
"I couldn’t imagine there being 100 different ways to apologize and I just couldn't bring myself to read them last night, so I was going to wait until today after I'd calmed down and processed everything."
He nodded his head and started running little circles around my palm with his thumb. Just doing that to me had my temperature rising. This is what I'm scared of. It just seems way too quick to feel this way.
"103, actually." Wait. What? Did I miss something? It amazes me at how he distracts me with just with one finger.
"What? 103 what?"
"103 different plants, flower sprays, bouquets, cards with each one. I think I called 20 flower shops and told every one of them to send whatever they had with lavender here." 103? Good God! Excessive much?
"I'm sure the house is going to smell great for a couple of months! You sure know how to make a statement! How you had it all delivered before I got home, I'll never know." He still has a hold of my hand, but now has his arm around my shoulder and is running circles around my neck, giving me goose bumps all over my body.
"You'd be amazed at what you can get done when you add money to the mix, but I had to let you know how sorry I was." Yeah, I heard that loud and clear.
"But Liv, I really am sorry and maybe we’re moving too fast. It's just that..."
Oh, I don't think I want to hear this. His eyes are filling with tears and just when I think I'm done crying and can't cry anymore, here they come again.
"I've been in hell for so long and I feel like you pulled me out of it, and it's like every nerve in my body had shut down and... you've shown me where I've screwed up with the kids. They're responding to me quicker than I imagined and they're just craving for my attention, but you're who I feel drawn to, to share my joy with, because I don't think I would be where I am today if it weren't for you, Liv."
I do believe him, because we share the same bond of guilt, but in different ways. I feel like we are kindred spirits in a way. He leans in closer to me and all I want to do is kiss him. This is when I get scared, because of the way he makes me feel inside. It's a feeling I've never felt before and it makes me question too much of myself. I look at him and he's not through with whatever it is he wants to say.
"I'm not going to deny that you have also awakened other wants and needs in my body that I thought were gone forever, and I think you feel it too. Don't you? I feel like I have...we have a second chance at something that could... that could develop into something."
/> "But Cash, we are both trying to find our places in life right now. I feel so overwhelmed by, by this whole week! I've only just recently started moving forward with my life, instead of curling up in a ball under my covers with a box of tissues next to my bed. It's been what? 2 days for you? You've been where I have been for the last year and a half, for 5 years and in 2 days. One week and we're what? Healed from all of the tragedy from our lives?" The look on his face tells me that he knows I'm right.
"I still miss Vanessa, Liv. I always will, but it doesn't hurt as much today and I see what you're saying, but you still haven't answered my question."
"What question is that?" He lets go of my hand, leans closer to me, and caresses my cheek and I close my eyes, leaning into his touch.
"That... That question. You feel it too... that magnetic pull. How come you can't admit it, Liv?"
He's so close to me the goose bumps are back. I know if I let go, I could completely lose control of myself. I decide to be honest with him.
"Because I'm scared to death of how you make me feel. Just being near you makes me crave something I don't think I've ever had. It makes me question my marriage, how I felt about Derek, and I feel like I'm betraying him, because he never made me feel the way that I feel when you just walk into the same room that I'm in, or the smell of your cologne that takes my breath away. And if that's how I feel by just a few kisses, the idea of anything more absolutely terrifies me!"
This is the truth that I've been so scared to admit to myself, and it's why I secretly wanted to turn around and jump into his arms after he told me that he didn't mean it how he said it.
"So, that's why you wouldn't look at the cards or answer the phone, when I called you after you ran from my house?"
I couldn't say anything, so I just nodded my head and he slowly moved away from me, and I felt so disconnected from him and felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
"What do you want me to do, Olivia? Are you still going to be the children's nanny? Do you want to just go back to being strictly professional? I'm the boss and you're the employee? I'll do whatever you want. I don't want you to quit, because the children absolutely adore you and they've gone through so much because of me, and I wouldn't be able to bear seeing them miserable again. Just tell me what YOU want."
He called me Olivia. When he had first shortened my name to Liv, at first I didn't like it, but had gotten so used to the way his deep husky voice would whisper my name against my skin, that it felt like a secret that only he and I shared. No! What I want is to be LIV again!
I know in my heart that whatever I tell him he will abide by, but can I live with it if I make the wrong decision? My heart is telling me to attack him and smother him with kisses, while his hands roam all over my body, and to tell him to forget about what all I just said to him, but my mind is telling me that what I'm feeling is way too soon and that it is only going to hurt me in the long run.
"Cash, I could never leave the children. I am already in love with them and I couldn't bear to be away from them so no, I'm not quitting my job." He breathed a sigh of relief.
"What about you and me?" I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest and I suddenly feel the urge to throw up. I can't even force myself to look at him.
"I think it would be best if we just went back to being professional and I hope that we can stay friends." Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no!
"I appreciate your honesty Olivia, and being very open with me." He stood up to leave, but stops and bends over and gives me the sweetest kiss next to my temple and whispers, "I will see you tomorrow then. Have a good weekend."
He walked out of the living room, without turning back and then walked out the front door, and in that instant it felt permanent. I could physically feel my heart break into a million little pieces all over again.
I look around me at all of the flowers, and see all of the cards that Claudia had put in a basket and grabbed it and ran to the bathroom, so that I could empty my stomach. It had been churning since I woke up, and was worse now. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and went back into my bedroom and cried myself to sleep, telling myself over and over that I had just made the worst decision of my life.
*********************
A few hours later, I woke up feeling like death warmed over. When I rolled over, the first thing I saw was the basket full of all of the cards that Cash had sent with the flowers. After everything that had happened this morning and how bereft I felt, I still couldn't bring myself to read any of them, but I resist and pull a few of them out of the basket just to see what they said. The first one had me crying all over again.
Liv, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Please don't feel like you have to run away from me. Trust me please! Call me, so we can talk about this.
Sincerely,
Cash
Trust him. Can I? That's what I keep asking myself. Running away was exactly what I did. I open the next one.
I'm through with running. I refuse to let you either. Call me, Cash
But he did let me run. When I told him what I wanted, he just left! But he also said that whatever I decided, he would abide by and he didn't know why I ran, until I told him, which did let me know he respected me enough to let me make the choice.
So why does the choice that I made hurt so much? I made it and I'm just going to have to make the best of it. When I fell asleep the night before thinking that I should quit my job, I knew that there was no way I could, because of Gideon and Eden. They are already in my heart and I couldn't bear to be apart from them.
Yes, I get twinges now and then that remind me of my own loss of my children, but in a way I see bits of Jenna in Eden and the boys in Gideon and they cause me to remember the good memories of how my life used to be when they were alive.
I decide to open one more card, before I go find Claudia, to see what she's up to.
I'm a dumbass! Please call me, Liv.
No Cash. I think you might be wrong on this one, because right now I'm feeling like the dumbass.
*********************
Its noon by the time I come out of my room and Claudia is in the kitchen cooking something for lunch.
"I kind of figured you might want to stay in today after the week you've had, so I'm fixing chicken parmesan and some salad. Does that sound ok to you?" I nodded, because it sounded amazing.
"Thanks Claud, and you're right, I don't want to go anywhere and I'm sorry. I know you wanted to go shopping today like we had planned, but after this morning, I just want to relax and be lazy."
"So what did happen this morning? Is everything okay between you and Cash?" She's getting the salad ready and setting the table.
"Define okay. If you mean okay, as in do I still have a job? Then yes, everything is okay." She stopped and looked at me and rolled her eyes at me.
"That's not what I meant O, and you know it. You look like your heart has been ripped in two, and honestly, that's what he looked like this morning when I answered the front door." That's exactly how I felt.
"I'm attracted to him, Claud. I'm not going to deny that, but
in my heart I feel like I'm betraying Derek, and honestly
Cash scares the hell out of me, with how he makes me feel!"
And want. And need. Oh my God, his kisses; kisses that make me forget where I am and make me feel like we're the only two in the world. For some reason Claudia is giggling and I realize that she must have seen the longing look on my face.
"So how does he make you feel, O? Does he make you feel all mushy inside?"
"Claudia! This is not funny. I've never felt this way in my life! Derek never made me feel like..."
"Like what? You're on fire? You can't breathe until he touches you? Like you can't get enough of him? I always wondered if you were getting what all you should have in the sack from Derek. I loved him, don't get me wrong, but you guys were definitely opposites."
"What do you mean by opposites exactly?" I can't believe she's t
alking about her brother like this and it's starting to make me mad.
"All that I'm saying is, Derek was a little controlling is all. Everything had to be his way. I'm not going to fault him, because our father was the same way and he really didn't know any better. But Derek was a lot like Dad in the non-affectionate area, so I always wondered how your sex life was and I've never pictured it as, well, I guess you could say hot and passionate."
"Wow! Why are you saying all of this? We had great sex when he was in the mood. He just wasn't in the mood very much, because he was always so tired from traveling with his job.
"Alright. Maybe I'm just not wording it right, but you're the one that said Cash scares you because of how he makes you feel. I just have a funny feeling that you're afraid of Cash, because what you're feeling is so intense, you're afraid you're going to lose control of yourself and that could be a good thing, trust me."
"Well, the couple of times he's kissed me, I swear I forgot where I was or what I was doing, and felt like I could be consumed by him and not even care."
"What's wrong with that? Sounds like it would be mind-blowing sex, if you'd just let go." She's grinning at me and doing a bump and grind dance in front of the stove.
"I've only known him a week! We are both still grieving our spouses, Claud. Let's not forget he's my boss." How come she can't seem to understand this?
"Oh, bosses sleep with their employees all of the time. I just don't get why you're making a big deal out of this. You're lonely, he's lonely, and just do it already." Casual sex never bothered her and she always made fun of me for only being with Derek. She even begged me before I married him to have a fling with a guy we went to high school with. She wanted me to make sure I wasn't missing out and she knew I was saving my virginity for Derek.
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