Derek would have never gotten this close to me, or the kids when any of us were sick, because he was afraid he'd catch it, but not only has Cash helped the children this week, but now he's helping me. Who is this man? All of a sudden, I'm looking at him in a different light.
He grabs a wash rag and wipes my face, when I stand up and look up at him. He reaches into the medicine cabinet and finds some ibuprofen, grabs a little cup, and puts water in it.
"Here, take these, this should help with your fever. Do you have a headache, too?" I look at him and nod.
He hands me the pills and the cup of water, and I look at him as if he has lost his mind, but he looks back with a stern look on his face, so I go ahead and take the pills and wash them down with the water.
Everything starts going kind of dark on me and I feel my body swaying, and then I'm back in his arms. He heads out of the bathroom and goes through the kitchen and up the stairs.
"Where are you taking me? Put me down. I have to go home." I'm kicking my legs, trying to get down and he's holding me so tight, I stop, because there's no use. My strength has left me.
"I'm taking you to your bedroom and putting you to bed. You're not driving anywhere in this condition. I'll call Claudia, so she doesn't worry and I will tell her you have the stomach flu and that you won't be home this weekend." Why I said what I said I will never know.
"Oh, you'll do anything to get me to spend a weekend with you, won't you? I bet you're glad I got sick. I'm not sleeping with you, if that's what you're thinking."
The look of hurt in his eyes killed me. But that look of hurt went too pissed off really quick, because his eyes turned to ice and I froze.
"That's right, Olivia. That's all I want from you, is to sleep with you! I planned for you to come down with the flu, so I could have you all to myself this weekend. Are you crazy? What kind of man do you take me for?"
He was screaming at me. I didn't appreciate his sarcastic tone either. As soon as we reached my room, I ran to the bathroom, because I had to throw up again and there he was, following me and holding my hair back again.
Oh, I should be ashamed of myself for what I had just accused him of. I wish he would just leave me alone. I can take care of myself. I've done it before and I can do it again.
I stand up and start to sway again and there he is, like Superman, coming to my rescue. He picks me back up, pulls the blankets back on my bed, puts me into bed, and covers me up.
The last thing I remembered before I fell asleep was Cash grabbing his phone and calling someone. When I heard him say Claudia's name, I knew he was calling and letting her know how sick I was. Maybe she will come rescue me and get me away from him, because the last place I want to be right now is in this big castle alone with him.
**********************
I wake up and it seems hours later, because it's so dark in my room. I rise up and I'm still queasy, but not as bad as I was earlier in the evening before I was heading home. The clock shows that it's 2 am and that's not the only thing that I see in the room, as my eyes adjust to the darkness.
Cash looks like a giant sleeping in the wingback chair he has placed next to my bed. He has the pink throw that I had on the end of my bed and it's not even covering all of him, because it will only reach to the tops of his knee caps. I quietly giggle and oh my word, that wasn't a good idea, because my stomach lurches forward.
He must have heard me, because he's next to me with a trash can faster than I can even blink.
"Here, this has been easier to use since you've been throwing up so much."
I'm a little worried, because I can't remember much since he brought me to my room. He touches my forehead with the back of his hand.
"Your fever is back. I thought that last round might have broken it, but it hasn't. Here, take this ibuprofen and I'll run and get you some more ginger ale."
I take the pills that he handed me and watch him walk out of my room. Has he seriously been taking care of me this whole time? Claudia didn't come get me? I see where our friendship stands where she's concerned. Yes, Olivia. I'm here for you, until you come down with the flu and then I'm out! I can just hear her now.
He comes back in with the cool ginger ale and a package of crackers and starts opening them.
"I brought you some crackers, to see if you can handle anything on your stomach. This is the most alert you've been since you've gotten sick. You've had me so worried, Liv."
I don't know what to say back, so I just nod and grab a cracker out of his hand, but the idea of eating anything had me gagging, so I just took a swig of the ginger ale. I think back to what I said to him before I passed out and I definitely don't deserve his concern.
"Where's Claud? How come she didn't come pick me up and take me home?" Great, now I think I hurt his feelings, because he just shook his head at me like I couldn't cut him any slack.
"She was going too actually, but before she got out of the house, she got a call to meet a client over their case."
Oh Probably the POS again. He's such a selfish jerk. He always “needs" her at the most in opportune times. I guess she didn't draw a line in our friendship. She was going to come to my rescue, but couldn't help it. That little bit of info made me feel a little better.
"Oh, well. I guess she couldn't help that. I'm sorry, Cash. I know the last thing you wanted to spend your weekend doing is taking care of me."
"Yeah, I had big plans this weekend. Geez, Liv. Can you cut me some slack? I'm not the evil monster that you've somehow pictured in your head. I know I've checked out of my kids’ lives, but I'm a pretty nice guy once you get to know me." He drops his head and looks around at the floor. "Anyway, I didn't want you ruining all of my white carpet in here."
He was smiling at me, which let me know that he was just joking about the carpet comment. I lay back down, because I just can't handle sitting up much longer.
"You've been in here? The whole entire time?" I look back at the clock counting up the hours in my head.
"Yes ma'am. I think it was a good idea too, because there were a few times where you probably would have drowned in your own vomit, because you were so out of it. Do you not remember any of it?"
I shake my head, because I don't. Just little flashes here and there of him putting a trash can in front of me and holding my hair back.
"So, if I told you I finally had my way with you, would you believe me?" I looked down at my clothes and then stared him down. "Oh, you should see the look on your face! Haha...”
He's laughing out loud and I had forgotten this week how much I loved his laugh. He had me giggling, which had me wincing because of my stomach. He immediately puts the trash can in front of me for the release that I had been holding since I woke up. When I finished, he took it into the bathroom and cleaned it out and came back and set it beside my bed.
"That would be the 15th time. I don't see how you could have anything left in your stomach. You need to drink something, especially as high as your fever has been. You've only been getting little drinks here and there when you were coherent enough to listen to me."
I'm absolutely amazed. No one has ever taken care of me when I got sick since Derek and I got married. Derek would always remind me that he wasn't my mother and if I wanted help, I should call my own mother. I've never known of a man, other than my dad, to help when the kids or the spouse was sick.
"I'm sorry. I guess I've kind of been a pain, huh? I didn't say anything crazy in my delirium, did I?" I know I was having some crazy dreams about Derek and the kids and I really hope I wasn't saying anything out loud.
"Let's get you laid back down and don't worry about it. You were mumbling a little bit in your sleep, but I couldn't understand anything you were saying. Do you want to change your clothes before you go back to sleep? Put on something more comfortable?" I realize I'm fully dressed in my jeans and sweatshirt from earlier.
"Actually, I do. Let me grab some clothes and I'll change in the bathroom." I crawl out of bed and stand
up, to see if I can stand without passing out and other than being a little light headed, I can manage.
"Oh, you can change in here if you want. It won't bother me at all." I can tell by his tone that he's just kidding, so I pretend that I didn't hear him and he chuckles.
After I have changed clothes, I crawl back under my covers and get situated with my pillows. Cash pushes the chair up next to the side of my bed and I'm wondering what he's doing, until I look over and see a big bowl of water with wash rags in it. He squeezes the water out of one and folds it into a rectangle and leans over to put it on my forehead, which has me giggling.
"Cash? What are you doing?" He embarrassingly looks at me and shrugs his shoulders.
"What the Emergency Room told me to do when I called asking them what I should do to get your fever down. It was either this, or a cool tepid bath. Would you have preferred I had given you a bath instead?" This had his eyes smoldering and me turning redder than what my fever was doing to my face.
"Um, no. You really went all out in taking care of me, huh? I don't know what else to say, but thank you. Thank you very much."
"Shhhh. Just go back to sleep, Liv. The fastest way to get through this is lots and lots of rest. Close your eyes and let someone take care of you for once."
As I closed my eyes, he was smiling at me and his beautiful eyes were the last thing I saw, as he continued to pat me down with the cool cloths. I will admit, they did feel good and helped ease my skin that seemed to be on fire from the fever.
********************
I'm in the van looking out into the sky and what I can see of the river down below. I hear Jenna screaming in the background for all of us. I look over and Derek is looking at me.
"How come you won't answer her, Olivia? Do you not want to help us anymore?"
What? How can he say this to me? I'm trying to wake up, because I know this is a dream. I've never dreamed anything that didn't happen in the accident before. This was a new dream.
"Derek! That's not true! How can you say that to me? I tried to save you all. I love you all. I'd do anything to have you all back in my life. I love and miss you all like crazy, Derek!
"No you don't, and you know it. You love that family you take care of now. You've replaced all of us. Just get out and save us your wasted tears and lies."
I'm pulled out by the paramedics and see my whole world fall away all over again, as I scream. Derek! Jordan! Jeremiah! Jenna! I'm so sorry! It was an accident! I'm sorry! I didn't want to get out! It's all my fault! I'm so sorry! I can't breathe and I can't stand it anymore.
Wake up, Liv! I keep telling myself to wake up. I can't do this anymore. He's wrong. I'd do anything to go back to that day and not be driving. Wake up, Liv. Wake up, Liv.
"Wake up, Liv! It's just a dream. Wake up."
I open my eyes and Cash is holding me in his arms, rubbing my arms, trying to get me to wake up. "It's okay. I've got you. Are you okay? You were screaming and crying so hard, Liv. It was just a dream."
It takes me awhile to compose myself. I look over at the clock next to the lamp and it's now six in the morning, and he is still in my room taking care of me and holding me. He reaches over and grabs a tissue and hands it to me. I take it from him and blow my nose and toss it in the trash, trying to figure out something to say to change the obvious mood that's in the room.
"Liv, are you okay? I didn't know what to do, but try to shake you awake. It sounded like you were having a nightmare." That's putting it nicely. It was worse than my normal nightmare of reliving the accident. It felt so real, I can still feel Derek's anger towards me.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry if I woke you. I guess it's the fever that has my mind wandering." Please don't ask me a bunch of questions, is what I want to say.
"You were screaming for Derek and Jordan. I guess your other kids as well?"
"Yes. I'm sorry you had to witness that. I haven't had a dream that bad for a couple of weeks now. I was hoping they had gone away."
That had me crying all over again and I just lost it again, while he held me tighter, soothing me with his words of it'll be alright and rubbing his hand up and down my back.
"I'm so sorry, Liv, but you were hysterical. What wasn't your fault? You don't have to tell me, but you just sounded so guilty. Whatever it is, I can't imagine you harming anyone."
"But I am guilty." I do not want to have this conversation. Not with Cash. I crawl out of bed and out of his arms and ran to the bathroom, as he was yelling at me.
"Why do you keep running from me? Talk to me, Liv! Please!"
He's pounding on the door, as I'm bawling my eyes out and all I keep picturing is Derek's face telling me that I didn't love them anymore.
Was it really Derek, or was it just my subconscious making me dream about him, because I seem happy and in the back of my mind I don't think I deserve to be happy? The way he was talking to me in that accusing tone, makes me realize that it was nothing more than a nightmare, but it still hurt just hearing the venom in Derek's voice.
I open the door and Cash is still leaning next to the door, looking about as lost as I feel. We both look at each other and he surprises me, as he picks me up into his arms and sits down in the wingback chair with me in his lap. He starts rubbing my back, while holding one of my hands with his other hand.
With just that one gesture of not brow beating me into talking and picking me up the way he did, had my heart jumping, which made me end up telling him about the accident.
"The reason I blame myself is because I was driving." He immediately looks up at me, shaking his head. "No, let me finish, please. I have to, so you'll understand." He nods for me to continue.
"After we hit the bridge, I was the only one that the paramedics could get out, because all of the doors were too smashed in to open and Derek and the boys were critical. Jenna was in the furthest back and she was coherent and talking to me. I think she had a broken leg, because she kept saying her leg hurt, but she was talking to me." I look at him to get his reaction and he just nods for me to continue, letting me know that he's listening and continued rubbing my back.
"They kept insisting on getting me out first and I kept telling them no and to get all of them out first, because I knew they needed their help more than I did. My head was banged up a little and my stomach from where the seat belt pulled to tight, but I was fine. As soon as they pulled me out and got me onto the gurney, the van went over and into the river! All I could do for them was scream." And here come the tears again. Cash immediately pulled me closer into his arms and was whispering into my ear, which had me crying even harder.
"Oh, Liv. It wasn't your fault. You were just doing what they told you to do. Why are you blaming yourself for something you had no control of?"
"Because I knew that I was the reason the van was staying where it was! Every time I moved, it would move further over the edge. That's why I told them to get everyone else out instead. As it was falling, I heard someone say something about it not being secured yet."
“That was on them, Liv! Not you!"
"You just don't understand! They were my world. My life. I had been with Derek since I was 14 years old. 14! He was the only man I ever loved and I gave birth to all 3 of my babies. Fed them! Clothed them! Took care of them when they were sick! I did everything for ALL of them!" I'm shaking now. but I can't stop and he holds me tighter. trying to calm me.
"I begged the paramedics to get them out and they made me break a promise to my baby girl. The only promise I ever broke. by telling her we would all be alright. All I keep
picturing is her little face waking up, as that van careened over the edge of that bridge into the water, knowing that I LIED TO HER WHEN IT WENT INTO THE WATER!" Cash holds me, while I'm uncontrollably shaking through my tears that won't stop. I am so ashamed of myself for losing it in front of him. Maybe now he'll understand why I've always felt so guilty.
“Liv, I can't imagine the hell that you've gone through and I'll admit I can't imagine
a worse horror happening to anyone, but baby, you can't think like that. You have to believe that she didn't wake up and she slept through the whole thing. That is the kind of thing that will eat you alive and you're too strong for that, Liv. As far as breaking that promise. Did you or did you not think that everything was going to be fine, when you got out of the vehicle? That's not on you, Liv. That's on the paramedics. Can't you see that?" I nodded, realizing that I had never thought about it like that. I trusted them to do their job and by some fluke, something just didn't go right that day.
"Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to." I looked into his eyes and he gave me a reassuring look, so I nodded my head. "How often do you have these nightmares?" He has the tenderest look on his face, so I tell him the truth.
"I used to have them so often after it happened that I would stay up for days at a time to avoid falling asleep. Claud eventually started giving me sleeping pills and then they cut down to about once a week, but this one was different." I kept picturing Derek's face and how disgusted he looked at me.
"How was it different?" He's back to rubbing my back and drawing light circles under my palm, and I've noticed it has a calming effect on me.
"Derek...we were all in the van again and he told me... he told me to just get out and go back to the family that replaced them and that he was tired of my wasted tears and wasted lies and that I.... I didn't love them anymore."
"Liv, you know that's not true and that it WAS just a dream. We can't control our dreams, they just happen and your fever probably has a lot to do with it. Let's get you back into bed, okay? You've had a pretty rough night already, without the dream."
I nod my head and grab a tissue to wipe my face and blow my nose again, as he put me back in bed. He sits back down in the wingback chair and I want to ask him to do something for me so bad, but I just can't bring myself to ask him. He must have noticed me having trouble spitting it out, because he asked if I needed anything. So I just nodded my head.
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