by Racquel Reck
“What?” Every cell in my body freezes. My heart, the blood pumping through my veins, even my lungs stop taking in oxygen. I think I’m going to faint.
“Breathe, girl.” Bebe rubs my back. “You aren’t going to get anywhere passing out.”
I take a deep inhale and grip the rail. Do something stupid? Morgan’s about to do something stupid. Okay, processed. And what the fuck am I doing standing out here?
Before Bebe can say anything else, I’m weaving through people. My eyes scan the crowd for him but he’s nowhere to be seen. I make my way around the bar to the other side where the dance floor is. “The Monster” by Rhianna and Eminem is playing, and there are a ton of couples out there, popping, grinding, and moving to the beat.
I spot him. Everything stops.
Morgan.
With Emily.
And his tongue’s shoved down her throat.
Twenty-eight
Shay
My eyes can’t be seeing this right.
Morgan and Emily. Kissing? The same Emily he told me yesterday I didn’t have to worry about.
Confusion rips through all rational thought in my mind. My feet are cemented to the floor, and my mouth doesn’t seem to want to close. Every sound is muted and I have tunnel vision locked on the heart-wrenching display before me. Cold limbs begin to warm as anger builds inside of me. Adrenaline brings life back into my body and forces me toward them. My arm swings back and…
I plow my fist right in between their kiss.
The bitch flies back, out of my line of sight. All my rage combusts on the player standing before me. His lips are moving, but I don’t hear a word. My mind is eerily quiet other than the blood pounding in my ears. I shove him and scream in his face. “You fucking asshole!”
He falls back a step. I shove him again. “How can you do that to me?”
This time, when I go to shove him, he remains stiff. He doesn’t say or do anything to stop my assault. My fists pound against the solid wall of his chest. My cheeks are wet. I don’t care. The burn in my heart is unbearable as rage pushes me to the brink and everything becomes cloudy. I keep banging on him, and still he does nothing.
He takes it.
“You were supposed to be a good guy!”
He’s not.
He’s Gary.
His strong hands clamp around my wrist, breaking me from my rage-fueled trance.
“The Monster” booms out of the speakers.
“Enough.” His tone is as stern as his face. ”People are watching.”
I blink. My heart pounds. Anger still courses through every cell in my body. I look around. There’s a circle of gawking drunks staring at our confrontation. Shit. I didn’t mean to flip out like that. I dumped him. I was kissing Gary. But seeing him with her made me snap.
I glance up into Morgan’s eyes. Once blue, they’ve now darkened, the pupils are dilated, and they’re blank, as if there is no soul behind them. He’s not thinking clearly. Then it dawns on me that he’s not the Morgan that I know. He’s drunk and… “You’re high?”
I get shoved from behind and fall into Morgan. He wraps his arms around me and pushes me behind him.
“Hit me again, bitch.” Emily wipes blood from her split lip.
“I got this, Emily.”
Morgan’s still protecting me, but I don’t want or need him defending me. Not after what I did to him and especially not after what he did with her.
“The bitch just busted me in my mouth.”
“And you deserved it, ho.” Bebe steps around Morgan and laces her arm through mine. “Come on, Shay. I’ll take you home.”
Home? I don’t want to go home.
“Why are you high, Morgan?” I push Bebe aside and get right up into Morgan’s face space. His eyes meet mine. There is no anger, no sadness, only a dark void.
He shrugs. “Funny that you ask that, considering you dumped me for that asshole.”
Guilt slams into me and almost knocks me on my ass. He doesn’t know why I did what I did. And if he wasn’t high, if I hadn’t caught him playing some fucked up version of dentist with Emily, I would let him know.
He went against his word. He got high. “It’s not her I’m pissed about. I ended us. But you’re high. That’s what fucking kills. You broke your promise. You’re not who I thought you were.”
I’m shaking. I want to hit him again, and this time I want to make it count. Then I’d be just like Gary. “Fuck you. Hope you’re happy with your pot.”
There’s nothing else to say. There’s no way I’m going to explain my actions from earlier now. I’m not going to beg him to forgive me. I push past him. He tries to grab my arm, but I move around him and stalk toward the door. For the first time tonight, people get out of my way—probably afraid that the hormonal pregnant lady will blow up on them and they won’t be able to do anything about it.
Morgan’s footsteps are behind me, and I’m surprised no one tries to stop him either. “Shay!”
I push through the door and nod to Bruno. When my feet hit the bottom step of the stairs, I hear Morgan flying through the door.
“Wait! Goddammit, Shay!”
I’m not waiting. As I round the flowerbed, he hops over the railing and does an unceremonious land in the flower bed.
I won’t look back. I can’t be with a man like him. A man like Gary. Getting high and fucking with the first woman who pays him more attention than I do. I’ve been here before and I’m sick of being dicked around.
I reach into my satchel for my keys but come up empty handed. Huh? I knew I put them in here. I stop at my probe and empty the contents onto the hood, desperate to find the keys before Morgan catches up to me.
Morgan
Roses prick me in the ass. It’s not as bad as the punch I received or the feeling of having my heart ripped out and served up to Shay. I wish I never fucking met her.
How fucking dare she? Hit my manager in the mouth? Give me shit for smoking weed? She was sucking face with Gary in front of her shop. She dumped me for him! No. She doesn’t get to punch and run. I’ve got something to say, and there’s no way I’m letting her go without saying it.
I’m on my feet and running after her before I can talk some sense into my skull. I know I fucked up.
So what? She’s with Gary. I saw it. Then why in the hell am I regretting that she saw me blitzed? Why do I feel like I have to find her and rub it in her face that I am a free man now and can do whatever I want? Closure. I need it. Otherwise I’ll never get rid of this ache in my chest.
When I approach, she’s by her car and going through her purse. She dumps the contents from it out on the hood of her car.
“Lose something?”
She jumps, then gives me the evil eye over her shoulder. “Go away. I’m done talking to you.”
I step in front of the hood of her car. “Well, I’m not done.”
She stops looking and crosses her arms over her chest. She glares at me, but doesn’t say a word.
What the hell does she have to be pissed about? She made her choice. “You dumped me for Asshole.”
“Yeah, and I was right to. You’re just like him.” She turns and starts shoving things back into her purse. “Run along and get high, Morgan. Isn’t that what you always do when your insecurities get the best of you? You’re weak and pathetic.”
An icicle shoots through my chest. Everything inside me goes as cold as the woman standing before me. “You’re a fucking heartless bitch.”
“You don’t know a damn thing about me.” She stuffs more shit into her bag. “I can’t believe I fucking love you.”
Love me? I grind my teeth. “Didn’t seem like you loved me when you were eating Asshole-face.”
“Oh yeah, ’cause I like being mauled by my abusive ex.” She shoulders past me and stomps toward Wal-Mart’s entrance doors. “Fuck off, Morgan! If you can’t see that that was all an act.”
She’s nuts. Yup, a complete psycho bitch. If she wasn’t carrying my kid an
d wasn’t so against drugs, I would swear she must be high. I follow her. “You were into it. Ask Tryst. You fucking dumped me! And I’m not a goddamn mind reader!”
She stops, then whirls around. “No, you’re not.” She points a manicured nail in my face. “After what I saw tonight, my reasons behind what I did earlier don’t matter anymore.”
Reasons?
She glares at me. “You smoked weed. I don’t give a flying fuck about why you did it. You still did. Which proves I was the reason you quit in the first place. Unless you quit for yourself, your addiction will always be there!” She laughs. It’s sarcastic. “Man, I really know how to pick ’em.” She takes out her phone.
“I did quit for myself!” I clench my fist. “I quit to be a better man. But a good man is not what you wanted. You wanted a man like Gary! You lied to me. You lied to yourself, and most of all you lied to Ben! You said you’d ne—”
The vibrating sting of her smack may have stopped my words, but not my anger. I’m furious. This makes the second time tonight she’s hit me. My pulse pounds. She’s more fucked up than I thought she was. I don’t need this shit, and I won’t let her bait me.
“You have no right to talk about Ben.” She pounds her chest and her voice squeaks. “He’s my son. Not yours.”
“He should be mine. I wouldn’t lie to him.”
“I’m not lying to him!”
“You’re going back to Gary.”
“No. I’m not. I had to play along because Gary was holding Ben over my head.”
This is just way too much. Now she’s justifying her actions by using her son. Nausea slowly turns in my stomach. “You’re not the woman I thought you were.” My mom did horrible things and said she did them because she loved me. “I feel sick.” Shay’s the fucking spitting image of my mom. “You’re pathetic. Just like her.”
“Like who?” She shakes her head. “Morgan, I—”
“Have a nice life, Shay.” I turn to leave, and pull up Rictor’s number. I need to purge this woman from my soul. She’s no good for me. And now I suddenly see why Dad went off the deep end.
“Morgan!”
I ignore her and start jogging. I don’t care if she follows me. Once I get into Rictor’s Rover she’ll be out of my life for good. My baby. I’ll make sure that I get full custody. There is no way I’m letting my kid grow up around Gary. But now isn’t the time to think about this shit. I need to lose myself for a while, and Rictor has the thing I need.
“’Sup.” Rictor’s bass comes through the phone. “Didn’t think I’d hear from you this fast.”
“I need another speedball. Wiley found and flushed my shit.”
“His little bitch ass. I got two left. Was on my way to sell them to this guy.”
“I’ll pay double.”
Twenty-nine
Shay
A sob erupts from my throat as I watch Morgan run away. My heart cracks open, and the hot knife of his words lacerate through the tender tissue. He thinks I’m a horrible person. I’m knocked off the shrine he put me on. Nothing has ever burned me this bad. The things he said about my mothering skills crushed me, but not as much as the way his face looked before he took off. He compared me to someone else. For a moment I wanted to know who. How bad had they scarred him? I hurt him and in turn I only marred myself.
I head toward my car, stumbling with the force of my cries. I trip but catch myself and look down. My keys. They are by the left front tire. Must’ve fallen out when I dumped my satchel. I retrieve them and stare at the skull-and-bones key chain Morgan got for me the day after we made up the first time. We said we’d always forgive each other.
Ha! There’s no going back. No way to make this right. I shouldn’t have done what I did with Gary. I shouldn’t have said those horrible things to Morgan. I shouldn’t have dumped him, but I was too worried to think clearly.
Everything inside me screams for me to chase him, to find him, and plead for his forgiveness. But he did drugs. Instead of giving it some time to cool down so we could talk, he went back to his fucking dependency. My emotions are confused. Half of me wants to see if we can put things back together, and the other half says that we will destroy each other if we do.
I climb into my car and bring up Gary’s number. There is one way to make sure I won’t go groveling back to Morgan.
“Bay?”
I start my engine, wipe the tears from my face and solidify myself against my verdict. “Yes.” I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but Morgan’s no longer in my life and I’m out of options. I have to keep my son safe. “I’ll sleep with you twice a week, as long as you leave Ben alone.”
He laughs. “I knew you’d come to your senses.”
I’m socked in the abdomen with Gary’s tone. I force myself not to gag as the idea of being with him ferments like stale beer in my belly. “Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.”
“Come to Sasha’s. We’ll take advantage of that babysitter you have for the brat.” He tries to hide the happiness in his tone, and I don’t know what that’s about. He’s never spared my feelings before.
“I’ll be over in half an hour.” I end the call.
Don’t do it. I have to. No one can help me now and I deserve to be with him. I’m weak. Why did I ever think I could be anything but Gary’s whore? I sold my soul a long time ago and now I’m going home to the rightful owner of it. It’s where I belong.
Morgan
I chop up a line on Rictor’s glass table so I can hurry up and do the shit before I change my mind. I see Shay’s face in my head. She’s yelling at me. She can go suck a dick. She never wanted anything serious, she never cared, so this image of her telling me not to snort up is just something my brain is conjuring out of grief. As soon as the rail goes up my nose she’ll vanish.
Raucous roars erupt around me.
Rictor and two of his new buddies laugh with five strippers. I missed what was so damn funny, but don’t give a shit as I make nine long rails. I take the straw and hold it to my nose. What will the high be like? Before I talk myself out of it I bend down and suck through my right nostril. Following the line, coke and heroin make their way into my system. And just like that, I’m energized, ready to take on the world. Fuck Shay. She’s not who I thought she was. I never needed a woman in my life before. This time I’ll make damn certain that my hook-ups just stay hook-ups.
Wow. I can think about her without getting all emotional. I’m numb. It feels fucking fantastic!
I pass the straw to Ms. Betty Boop. “Here, try this.”
She takes the straw and bends down. All her cleavage is on mouth-watering display. Her pouty lips would look so fucking good around my cock. She sucks in air through the straw, and in under a second, the line vanishes. She passes it to Jessica Rabbit. Yeah, I’m going to taste her, too. A Betty Boop-Jessica Rabbit combo. And man, I must be high if I’m referring to them as cartoon characters.
“You wanna have some fun?”
Betty Boop, er… Sam, or is it Sabrina? Fuck, I can’t remember her real name. I take her hand and lead her toward one of Rictor’s back bedrooms.
I pause. I’m missing something. What, or who, is it? A vision of black-and-white hair tries to enter my mind, but I push it away. I look over my shoulder at Jessica Rabbit. “You coming too, sweetheart?” I wink.
She leaves the group, who are snorting up lines on the dining room table. Her full lips pull into a grin. A double dick-sucking is what I’m about to get, and my cock strains against my fly. They will make it all feel better: the girls and the drugs. A perfect way to get a jump start to my tour.
Rictor laughs. “Welcome back to the old you, Morg.”
Yeah, the old me. Only the old me never used hardcore drugs. Maybe he should have. Then he wouldn’t have let a woman fuck up his world. I grin back at him as I wrap both bitches in my arms.
Thirty
Three months later…
Morgan
Ben’s happy face appears on the screen
in front of me. Shay told him not to speak to me, but the kid calls me constantly. I’ve been talking to him every day for the past three months of this tour, on Face Time. I know I shouldn’t. I can’t help myself. I have to make sure he’s okay. I worry about the little guy. I might be bummed over his mother, but that’s no reason to cut him off.
Shay really left me for Douche bag. Ben’s told me about how she goes out with him twice a week. Because of her, Ben is exposed to that asshole. I worry about that, too. I shouldn’t have walked away like I did. I should have given her the chance to fully explain what was going on and how she felt. I didn’t. Left her with that prick.
I felt so goddamn guilty after the night I got high, I almost called her and begged for her forgiveness. She’s carrying my baby girl. Thanks to Ben, I know. By the way he whispered it, I could tell Shay doesn’t want me to know. Why would she? I’m a druggie.
I have a daughter.
Flutters swarm my gut, telling me it’s time for another hit. I hate feeling this shit.
“…and she’s as big as a watermelon.” Ben holds his hands out in front of him.
I laugh, only for his benefit. The drugs keep my mind off her, but in the morning when they’re out of my system and before I get more, she haunts my thoughts. I need the drug to keep me from coming undone. Like now. I shot up half an hour ago so I could be normal enough to talk to Ben. I feel so fucking skeevy. “Hey, I got to go, bud. I’ve got to get ready before I head out on stage. You’re gonna watch, right?”
“Like I always do.” He smiles, then it fades to a frown. “Mom won’t watch you. I think she misses you too much. Sometimes I hear her crying in the bathroom. She won’t admit it, but I know she does.”
Shit. Maybe she does care. She me left for him. It’s false hope. “Pregnant women cry all the time. I’m sure that’s what it is. Take care of her for me, okay?”
