I’m too scared to speak. “You don’t deserve this baby. You are the reason I am taking him away. He is going to a better place now. Say goodbye to your child for he is about to die.”
I bolt upright drenched in sweat. I look over at Jake who is sleeping peacefully. I lay back down but there is no way I can get back to sleep. This is a great way to start my birthday. Why are these nightmares still haunting me? This one is different though. This is the first time that Jake was the one who took my baby from me.
Why Jake? It makes me think that he blames me, even if it’s just a little bit. I look over at Jake and wonder how he truly feels. We haven’t really talked about it since that night I came to my senses and realized he was hurting too. My heart is still racing and I can feel the pounding in my head. Jake looks so peaceful.
I don’t want to tell him about the nightmares. I know he worries about me already and I don’t want to add to that. Tossing the sheets off of me, I silently leave the bedroom. I walk into the kitchen and feel relieved when I find my favorite ice cream in the freezer. I take out the pint and grab a spoon. In the middle of the couch I sit and eat my ice cream in the dark. The bones of my fingers are chilled but my mind isn’t recognizing the effect.
All I can see is Jake’s skinless skull and empty eye sockets staring at me. He’s holding my baby and blood is dripping on the floor. I see my baby boy open his eye lids but there aren’t any eyes behind them. They are hollow and it is a terrifying sight. Eyeballs begin to form but they were just a pearly white. Thick blood begins to seep out of his eyes as if he were crying. My baby boy’s mouth opens and in a raspy voice he says, “Why did you kill me?“
With a scream, I jolt and realize I fell asleep with the melting ice cream in my hands. I close my eyes and rest my head on the couch, but quickly reopen them. All I see is my baby boy and I can still hear that skin crawling voice.
“Sweetness?”
I snap my head to the right to see Jake walking towards me. I look back down at the milky ice cream as I feel Jake’s arms wrap around my shoulders as his chin rests on my shoulder.
“I heard you scream. What’s the matter?”
His voice is gentle and I feel as if he really wants me to tell him what is going on. I just don’t want to put another burden on his shoulders.
“Just a bad dream,” I tell him. He reaches down to take my ice cream and leaves for the kitchen. Jake returns and holds out a hand for me to grab. I do so and he leads me back to the bedroom. We lie down and cuddle together with my back against Jake’s chest.
“Want to tell me about it,” his breath caresses my ear.
I squeeze my eyes closed, but that image pops up again. I roll over to face him and squeeze into my favorite spot.
“Sometimes, I just wish I could forget it all. It haunts me no matter what I do.”
Jake holds me tightly to him as he takes a shaky breath. I close my eyes and feel the pulse in his neck against my forehead.
“I want to help you, but I don’t know what to do.”
“Just being here helps.” I feel as if I am lying, although I am not. It is true that his presence helps me, but sometimes, I wonder if its enough. I focus on the heat coming off of Jake’s body and allow myself to fall asleep.
My leg is bouncing up and down as I sit at the high-rise table at Coffee Beans. Bells jingle and I glance up to see Kyle walk in the cafe. Kyle is the type of guy who will help you out when you need it but won’t ask any questions. His way of thinking is if you want him to know, then you’ll tell him. Otherwise, he won’t ask.
He waves and walks over to take a seat across from me. I hand him the black coffee that I bought earlier for him.
“Hey Em. Happy Birthday,” he says with a nod of appreciation as he takes his coffee.
“Hey. Thanks.” I cradle my coffee in-between my hands. Kyle reaches out a hand and places it on my knee to steady it.
“What’s going on? Why are you nervous?”
None of my new found friends know of my past. However, I do know that Kyle’s mom went through the exact same thing that I’m going through right now with the nightmares. It came up one evening when we were hanging out. I don’t know if I should proceed with my plan or not because I feel as if it would be an act of betrayal to Jake. I take a deep breath.
“How did she get rid of the nightmares,” I ask, looking down at my coffee.
Kyle clears his throat in a way that conveys he knows what I’m talking about. He squeezes my knee and I glance up at him as he returns his hand to his coffee. Curiosity and concern fill his eyes as he gazes at me. When Kyle answers, I know this was the right thing to do.
With a deep breath, he says, “She went to therapy and talked with my dad about it. I know that her therapist told her to always be upfront with her feelings and what she was going through. That was especially important with my dad because he went through it with her. He might not of had the nightmares, but he still went through a grieving process. Her therapist told her that being open with him should help a lot. I believe that did help her the most.
“Her therapist wanted her to write down her fears and her nightmares so they could analyze it. Mom didn’t like that though. Instead, she just talked it through with my father and her therapist. Please tell me you aren’t going through this Emily.”
“Going through what,” I hear Jake voice behind me. He kisses the back of my head and starts to massage my shoulders, which are extremely tense. Kyle glances back and forth between Jake and I.
“Nothing love. I’ve got to get back to work. My break is over.”
I stand up, give Jake a kiss on the cheek and leave the two men. Work fuddles by as Kyle’s words cloud my mind. After messing up two orders, my manager ordered me home. After cleaning up, I walked out back.
Instead of going home, I text Abella, Hannah, and Kyle to let them know that I am ready. They have something planned for my birthday.
Minutes later, Kyle pulls up in front of the cafe. I slide into his car and off we go. Honestly, I’m not in the birthday mood. Nonetheless, I allow Kyle to whisk me away. Not caring where we are going, I close my eyes and don’t open them again until
The moving car stops, it is clear that the party has already started. Music vibrates its way outside and Kyle and I get out of the car. I loop an arm through Kyle's and we walk inside. Immediately I'm handed a drink. Maybe this is exactly what I need to forget about today.
The alcohol falls effortlessly down my throat and someone hands me another. Kyle gives me a puzzled look, but I ignore him. After about thirty minutes of heavy drinking, I wonder why Jake isn't here. Pushing through the crowd of people that I vaguely know, I find Kyle.
Slumping against him, I yell over the music into his ear. He points a finger across the room and in walks Jake. One look into his eyes and I have to turn away from his powerful gaze. My heart is aching and I want nothing more than a shot of whiskey.
Normally, I wouldn’t drink anything strong so the alcohol goes right to my core and it doesn't take long before I'm tipsy.
“Hey Sweetness.”
Exhausted, I tell Jake to take me home. Once there, he sits on the couch and I make my way over to him.
I toss off my shoes and sit on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. There is no better way to do this than to just jump into it. I rest my forehead against Jake’s and close my eyes.
“There is something I have to tell you,” I slur.
Jake’s hands rest on my hips. “What is it Sweetness?”
“Earlier at the coffee shop, I was talking with Kyle about what his mother went through. Kyle’s parents lost a baby too. But, there is more that I haven’t told you.”
I take a deep breath and look into those green eyes I love so much. Tears splash onto Jake's t-shirt. Those grass green eyes are full of love and concern. I’m tired of seeing that concern in his eyes every time we talk. It was only going to be there longer if I tell him what has been happening. But with alcohol swishing around in
my body, I'm in a talking mood.
“Tell me what it is Sweetness.”
“Last night, when you heard me scream, it was because I was having a nightmare.” I struggle with my words, but I push forward. Goodness, I do not want to speak these words. My throat feels closed as the tears continue to fall down my cheeks.
“I keep having nightmares about the baby. Either someone takes him from me or he’s already dead in my arms. Last night,” I choke on my words. “Last night was different.”
I explain my dream to him and my conversation with Kyle. I see the horror pass through his eyes. We sit there in a stony silence before I speak again.
“You don’t blame me, do you Jake? Even just a little bit? It’s okay if you do. I just need to know if there is a part of you that blames me for the loss of our precious baby.”
Jake gulps and his thumbs wipe away my tears. His eyes are watery, but not a tear falls. He brings my head closer to his and kisses my forehead.
“Sweetness, I don’t blame you at all. There is nothing for me to blame on you. I’m so sorry. I’m not sure if I know how to help you, but I’ll do whatever it is you need me to do. Do you think you should see a therapist too?”
I shake my head. “I want to handle this on my own. Well, can talk with you but no therapists. I felt terrible for having to ask Kyle as it is. I don’t want to go ask a stranger for help. Jake, I didn’t even want to tell you. I know you worry about me and I didn’t want you to worry more.”
Jake interrupts, “I do worry about you. I was scared to death that this was going to consume you and that you were going to return to the Emily I first knew.”
“Was going to?” I ask searching his eyes.
“Yes. Was. You coming to talk to me, even if you didn’t really want to, shows me that you aren’t going to withdraw. It shows me that you are going to let me help you.”
“I’m tired of talking. Can we go to bed now?”
Jake holds on to me as he stands up to carry me to our bedroom. I undress and ask if he has heard from Drake today.
“Yeah, he called me after practice. Why?”
“He didn’t call me. I’ll just call him tomorrow.”
I throw the covers back and climb into bed with one of Jake’s shirts on. I pull the covers up to my neck and face Jake who is wearing pajama pants. I run my hands over his chest and tell him that I love him.
“I love you too Sweetness. Thank you for sharing with me.”
“Welcome.” I give him a sweet kiss and rest my head on his chest. Jake begins to play in with my hair.
“Promise me that you’ll wake me up if you have a nightmare.”
“Jake, you need your sleep,” I protest.
“So do you Sweetness. Now promise me.”
“I promise.”
Exhausted, my eyes heavily fall.
4
Jake
Drake called and for the fourth time, I was helping him over the phone with his homework. Why Dad doesn’t help him, I'm not sure. I'll have to find out though. I can’t work, study and help Drake every day.
Emily woke me up three times last night. While I am glad she woke me up, I am exhausted. Coach certainly gave me hell for it at practice too. I rest my head on my desk and try not to fall asleep. At least I don’t have to work this weekend. I guess I’ll go out with the guys and kick back since Emily has to work. I am going to go home and take a nap.
Classes for the day are over and I couldn’t be happier. I go home, take a nap, and grab a bite to eat. One of the frat houses is having a huge party tonight and we are going. Brad and a few other guys are coming to pick me up. I just finish getting ready when a horn honks. I lock the door behind me and join the guys in the truck.
“Ready to party Benson?”
“Absolutely. What’s up?”
“I'm ready to get laid,” Brad replies with a chuckle. The other guys readily agree. I just smile and change the subject to hockey. We have a game this coming Monday and I am pumped. So far, the entire team has been playing extremely well. Going against our rival had everyone ready to win. Knee deep in plays, the conversation comes to a halt as we arrive.
Brad switches the truck into park and everyone climbs out. Gravel crunches beneath my shoes and the frigid air attacks causing me to pull my jacket closer. I stuff my hands into my pockets to keep them warm on the short walk from the truck to the house. Inside, the music is surprisingly not that loud.
We find the keg, grab ourselves red cups and begin to drink. A twinge of guilt surges through my veins at the thought of having fun while Emily was working. She has fun with her friends when I work though, doesn’t she? Plus, it’s not like I party all the time.
I take a swig of my beer and look around the crowded party. Girls in sheer shirts and tight jeans dance about the room. The guys are either dancing with them or leading them upstairs.
“Jake Benson, right?”
My head swivels at the sound of a girl’s voice. Standing beside me with a beer in her hand is a girl dressed in dark blue skinny jeans and a very tight, white, low cut shirt.
“Yeah. That’s me. And you are?”
She pushes a strand of sleek black hair behind her ear and gives me a smirk with her pink lips. “I’m Eve. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“All good, I hope.” Tilting my head, I look at her curiously. She was pretty, no doubt about that. She has a confidence about her that makes me want to stand up straight and at attention. I ignore that urge and lean against the wall.
“Yes, it’s all very good. You are one of the starters on the hockey team, right?”
Nodding, I ask, “Do you like hockey?”
“I love it. I’m the goalie on the women’s hockey team.”
“Really? That’s pretty impressive.”
“Why? Because I’m a girl?”
I can’t help but laugh at her remark. Completely ignoring me, Eve changes the subject.
“Anyways, you looked lonely over here so I came over. Where’s your girlfriend at?”
“How do you know so much about me?”
Eve shrugs and waits for an answer to her question.
“She’s working.”
From there, Eve and I go off on a tangent. She tells me more about herself. She is majoring in art because she loves to paint. Living with five brothers and wanting to fit in, Eve started playing hockey with them and became pretty damn good at it. The subject changes frequently. It is as if she can’t stay on one topic for too long.
Noticing the time, I tell Eve, “I better get going. I want to surprise my girlfriend and if I want to make it there before she leaves, I need to get walking.” All of the guys have disappeared upstairs so I’m not getting a ride from them.
“You’ll freeze to death. I can drive you.”
“Really? You’ll be missing the party.” I swing my arm out at the crowd of bodies mingling together. Eve shrugs and gently pushes me towards the door. Outside, the deathly cold air blasts into me like a cannon ball. My teeth begin to chatter as I stuff my hands in my pockets and follow Eve to her car.
“I enjoyed talking with you Jake.”
“Uh, yeah, me too. Thanks for the ride,” I say upon reaching my destination. Eve parks the car along the curb and I peer inside Coffee Beans. Instead of working, Emily was sitting at a table by the window with Kyle, just a laughin’. Kyle smiles, reaches out and rests his hand on Emily’s knee. What is this all about?
“They sure do hang out a lot. I see them around campus together all the time,” Eve comments.
“Yeah, he’s a good friend of Emily’s. I should get going. Thanks again.”
“No problem.”
I open my door and close it. The door of the café jingles when I walk inside and Emily’s head turns towards me. The smile that was already floating on her lips rises when she sees me. Sweetness slides out of her seat and rushes over to me with a hug.
“Love, you’re cold. Want some coffee to warm you up?”
At that moment,
I want nothing more than to have Emily warm me up herself. I notice Kyle is eying us as I tell Emily that I would love a coffee. I snake my arms around her waist,and kiss her forehead, thanking her in advance.
“I’ll be right back.”
She leaves my arms empty and after she disappears behind the counter, I walk over to her vacant seat and sit down. Kyle clears his throat and looks uncomfortable. “Hey,” I offer a greeting.
“Hey.”
Kyle looks over to where Emily disappears and then back to me.
“I just want to see if she’s talked to you.” After giving him a puzzled look, he continues. “About the nightmares. She hasn’t really mentioned them to me, but I would feel a lot better knowing that she was talking to someone about them. I figured if she told anyone, it would be you.”
“Yeah, she told me last night.” I wanted to ask if he had any ideas on how to help her, but at the same time, something inside of me was reluctant to ask this guy how to help my girlfriend with the loss of our baby. In seconds, I give in because the want to help Emily was greater than the urge to not ask Kyle.
“It’s really something she has to tackle herself. At the same time though, she needs someone to be there for her to talk to. Every time I bring it up, she ignores me and either changes the subject or pretends she has something to do.”
“Well, she does talk to me. Don’t ask her about it anymore either. She thinks about it so much as it is.”
Guilt once more flows through me knowing that Emily has thought of the baby today, but I haven’t. My phone rings and, seeing Drake’s number, I answer. “Isn’t it past your bedtime?”
Drake laughs. “Yes, but I haven’t called you yet. Today was boring though. It was the same thing over again. I went to school, did work, came home and did more work, had dinner with Dad, watched TV and play video games. When are you coming home?”
I chuckle and reply, “Thanksgiving is coming up. I’ll be home then. We’ll have to play a lot of video games to make up for lost time, okay? You were able to do your homework by yourself?”
Whatever It Takes (Bold As Love) Page 2
