With half the team suffering a hangover, Coach is twice as loud as usual and runs us to death. I can’t even count how many times I skate up and down the ice in the two very long hours. Tempted to skip class, I walk over to Coffee Beans for a coffee. Hopefully, it’ll wake me up. If it wasn’t for hockey, I would skip today but. Coach requires us to attend every class unless we are dead.
What if I feel like I am dead? After buying my coffee, I turn around and there stands Eve. Her smile is too bright and too friendly for seven in the morning. I nod in greeting as I take a sip of my coffee. It burns a hot streak down my throat and into my stomach.
“I was just thinking about you,” Eve comments as she moves in to give her order.
“Oh really? What about me?”
“I was wondering if you knew that your girlfriend was out with that guy again.”
Impossible. “She’s out of town at the moment. You probably got her confused with someone else.”
Eve begins to describe Emily’s features and I nod in affirmation with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
“That’s her then. She was at the breakfast restaurant a few blocks down the road.”
I checked my watch. There wasn’t any time to go check. “Thanks.”
I walk away and go to my first class. Emily wouldn’t cheat on me, would she? She’s supposed to be at Mike’s and yet she was having breakfast with Kyle. There isn’t any time for this right now. I have to pay attention. The thought that Emily may be cheating is too distracting. Once I return home for the day, around eight o’clock, I feel guilty for even thinking it. Emily wouldn’t do such a thing.
To prove myself right, I finally call her. After all, I've yet to hear from her. Each ring seems to take forever to finish and the pauses in-between seems to last even longer. She picks up on the fourth ring.
“Hello,” she answers sounding a bit breathless.
“Hey Sweetness. How’s it going?”
“Good. I’ll probably come home tomorrow.”
“Why didn’t you stop by today?” I ask.
Emily is quiet for a moment before answering. “How'd you know?”
“A friend.”
“I was only there for an hour or two. It was something I needed to do in person.”
I try to keep my voice gentle as I say, “Why him? Why can’t you talk to me?”
“His mom went through it. He can help me Jake.”
“And I can’t?”
“Jake, you do help me.”
“Then why aren’t you here? If I can help you so much, then why are you at your dad’s? Why are you coming up here to see some other guy if I can help you? If I can help you then why do you keep running away from me?”
I don’t understand her logic. We lost our baby. We grieve over our baby. It was our baby. Before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth.
“Emily, you aren’t the only one who lost something here. That was my baby too. Why in the hell are you being so self-centered?”
The silence spoke so loudly.
“Sweetness, I’m so sorry. This is hard for me too. It bothers me when you won’t let me help you.”
“Jake, I have to go.”
No. Not that voice. Please tell me I didn’t just hear that same trembling voice I once heard when Emily’s mom called her. Damn it. Emily hung up before I could speak another word. I toss my phone across the room and head to the bathroom for a shower. Exhausted mentally and physically, I plan on going to bed immediately afterward.
Hot water slides down my body and re-energizes me. Steam dances around my head and shoulders. Shifting left to right, it is as if somehow my cloudy mind is being pulled this way and that until all the knots are untangled. Thirty minutes later and I'm both squeaky clean and utterly alone as the empty apartment seems to grow into one big abandoned place.
Tossing and turning. It is all I can do. My mind is weighed like a ton of bricks with those words I spoke to Emily. The sound of the front door opening and closing causes me to bolt up. Footsteps sound throughout the rooms and keys clack together as they are set on a surface.
Just as I am about to get out of bed, Emily’s silhouette appears in the doorway of our bedroom. I reach over to turn on the light. My heart swells at the sight of her. A piece of it also cracks. Wearing pajamas, Emily moves forward to climb into bed. I can see that her eyes are puffy and red. My mouth opens, but Emily speaks first.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Jake. Sometimes, I feel good about life and other, times I wish it would end. I want to talk to you, I do. It’s so hard, though. It seems as if this is hardly affecting you, while I’m a train wreck. and I feel as if you wouldn’t understand. Kyle is showing me a different perspective that makes accepting this easier. And you keep making it harder.”
Emily looks over at me from her seat on the edge of the bed. Worry fills her eyes and remorse fills my own.
“I’m so sorry, Sweetness. I guess it’s me who is being selfish. I want be the one helping you. Not Kyle.”
“Are you jealous,” she asks with a small smile.
I chuckle and reply, “Only because I’m scared you are going to find someone better for you. Someone like Kyle.”
7
Emily
Hearing that Jake is scared of losing me to Kyle is crazy. Sure, Kyle has an awesome personality and is cute, but he’s nothing compared to Jake. I scoot over to rest my head against Jake’s chest. Finally I feel at home as he wraps an arm around me, resting his hand on my hip.
“To me, accepting this means that I have to push the baby out of my mind. That is so unbelievably hard when I have to watch so many mothers come into Coffee Beans. I truly do want to talk to you about this Jake. But we’re both so busy. I hardly see you anymore much less have the time to really talk to you. Kyle says I have to take it day by day, but that’s tough. Everyday it’s as if life’s worst traits keep coming at me. I just want it to get better,” I finish quietly as I change my sitting position to bury my face in the crook of Jake’s neck.
“Sweetness,” Jake speaks and I can tell that he's trying to keep his calm. “I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. Instead going to see Kyle, you should have come to see me. Don't use us being busy as an excuse. Make time to talk to me. You could wait up for me and then we’d talk when I get home. Instead, you go to sleep.”
“I'm tired, Jake,” I begin but Jake cuts me off.
“Stop making excuses!” he grits through his teeth. “Listen to what I have to say just once. Not Mike. Not Kyle. No one. Me. I want you to listen to me. Talk to me. As for when I see a mother with her baby, instead of thinking about our loss I think about how grateful I am that the mother isn’t experiencing what you are over her baby. Anytime something negative creeps its way into my mind, I try to really believe that there is some reason we aren’t parents right now. It’ll happen one day, Sweetness. This time in our life just wasn’t the right time is all.”
Those words are hard to hear when all I want is my baby. Simply because it was the only creation in the entire universe that was a piece of Jake and me. The miscarriage has me scared about the possibility of future pregnancies. What if that baby could be the only creation of the two of us?
I close my eyes and take in the scent of Jake. He smells like ivory soap and his body’s natural scent. I love that I can tell when he has showered. No time to get lost in that. Jake isn’t finished.
“All I want from you Sweetness is to know that you aren’t going to run away from this anymore. Face it head on and take control. I know this is different than what I go through, so you have to talk to me about what you are thinking and feeling. Mind reading is not one of my many incredible traits.”
The smile on my lips cannot be suppressed. It seems it is time for me to fess up. Maybe this is the time to share with Jake the items I take out every now and then.
No.
The thought echoes and bounces around my head. That is something I can’t and won’t do just yet. Taking a deep br
eath, I share more with Jake. Everything comes out too quickly and tears overflow. I tell him how terrified I am of getting pregnant and losing another baby. To make him understand why I am scared and sad over this tragedy, I explain to him about how the baby was the only being that was a combination of us both. Jake wraps both arms around me and kisses the crown of my head.
“Sweetness, think about the sunrise we watched that day at the cabin. You said that no matter what, we were worth fighting for. You have to fight. You need to remember that we are going to make the best of the situation together. Don’t forget that you promised you wouldn’t run away from me. We promised each other that we would work through this together. Keep that in mind Sweetness.”
“I will.”
I slip out of his arms to crawl under the covers. Scooting over to lay against his warm body, my own heats up as it absorbs his body heat. With my hand flat, I move it across his torso. There were hills and dips as his muscles tense and move as he breathes. His skin is hot and smooth and I take in the feel of his muscled arm under my neck. I could lay here forever. Looking up at Jake, I smile slowly.
His lips form that perfect, slightly crooked smile that I missed so much. My hand travel upwards to find those full lips. As light as a feather, I move my forefinger over his bottom lip then Travel over his top. My fingers have a mind of their own as they move dangerously slow along his jaw line. I am turned on by the stubble that scratches my fingertips. My eyes never leave Jake’s green eyes which have become both aroused and alert.
I lean against him and place a kiss upon his lips. Jake wastes no time grasping the back of my neck and deepening the kiss. I savor the taste of Jake's mouth. The kiss is slow yet urgent. A stray thought reminds me that it's been at least two days since Jake's hands roamed my body.
We are already awake. Why waste this opportunity? I moved over Jake to straddle him. Strong hands lift my shirt up and over my head. Leaning down, I continue to kiss Jake. My lips move to his jaw then down his neck. My tongue forces its way out of my mouth and scorches his skin. Vaguely, I'm aware of Jake unclasping my bra.
I sit up and toss it on the floor. Before I can return to my assault, Jake grabs me by the hips and lays me down. As he towers over me, my body lights up with excitement. More than ever, I am ready for the explosion. Jake bends towards me and tenderly places a kiss on each eyelid. Immediately, I know how he is going to treat me tonight.
He wants to take his sweet time and torture me with smoldering pleasure. I tilt my head to the right to grant him access to my neck as his lips move over my jaw. When his tongue brushes over my skin in the spot below my ear, heat sears through me. I moan. A laugh rocks Jake's body but somehow doesn't manage to break his work in progress. My hands yearn to glide across Jake's fiery skin, but they are held firmly in place at the wrists on each side of my head.
That is another thing that he does. He renders me powerless so he can literally have his way with me. It was hard to suppress my urges. In an effort to get closer to him, I arch my back. From my breasts down to my stomach, I'm pressed against Jake's bare body. The flow of body heat feels delicious and I want nothing more than to melt into him. Jake's lips move down my neck and graze my collar bone. This was going to be a long, wonderful night.
***
Around lunch, I bump into Kyle in the courtyard. I am more than relieved to see him. We are meeting the girls at a restaurant a few blocks away for lunch. Kyle offers to drive me so we don’t need to take more than one car.
“Hey Em. Ready?”
“Absolutely.”
Minutes later, we are sitting at the table with the girls who are talking rapidly about some guy that apparently stood Hannah up.
“We should go slash his tires,” Abella says with too much excitement.
“We should stay out of it,” Jess declares.
“Have you talked to him? Something may have come up,” Kyle suggests.
“Don’t be so optimistic Kyle,” Abella says with a wave of her hand.
Kyle looks my way and I can’t help but laugh aloud at his perplexed expression. All three girls turn my way, but I just shake my head in dismissal.
I glance around the restaurant after placing my order. My eyes find all the tables with small children, but quickly, I move on. I am not going to deal with that today.
“He didn’t even call or text. He just stood me up. Oh well. I should make him jealous and date one of his friends. Better yet, we should all go date his friends. Well, except Emily, of course,” Hannah says.
Abella tilts her head to look at me.
“When are you going to dump Jake? He’s a great guy and all, but we are a group of singles. You should join in on the fun.”
“The fun of chasing guys and getting stood up? No thanks,” I reply easily. For the rest of the lunch hour, I listen as the girls go on. Every now and then, I give a sideways glance to Kyle and we share a look. I do like how we can share our opinions without uttering a word.
It is refreshing. Almost like a cold splash of water on my face after working long, hard hours in the sun. Yet, it is unnerving. Every time I catch sight of a child, my inside churn ominously. Kyle slides his hand over to my knee cap and gives it a gentle squeeze. To be comforted by that small action bothers me.
Lunch is over and I have to be in my next class in fifteen minutes. Kyle insists on paying for everyone’s lunch. The girls give me a hug and leave with a goodbye and promises of meeting again. I stand by and watch Kyle pay with a credit card from his worn leather wallet.
With a smile, Kyle turns and holds the door open for me. Walking through, Kyle matches my pace and places a hand on my lower back. He opens the car door and I slide inside. I am in love with Kyle’s car. The new car smell wafts up and through my nose. The urge to take a deep inhale was too hard to resist. I glance over at Kyle as he chuckles.
“Do you like the way I smell that much?”
I playfully hit him on the arm and said, “Not you. I love the new car smell. Can I borrow it until it’s gone?”
“Sorry, Em. No can do. The last time I let a woman drive my car it was totaled within five miles. I’m keeping this baby close to me.”
“What? You don’t trust me, Kyle?”
A smile widens on my face as Kyle glares over at me.
“I trust you alright. Just not with my car.”
He pats the dashboard lovingly and I roll my eyes as we pull up at the university next to my car.
“Thanks for the ride and for lunch.”
“Anytime. If you ever need to talk Em, just call me, okay?”
“Thanks, Kyle.”
With that, I'm out of his car and rushing to class. Once the day is over, I go home to the empty apartment. It's a mess. Dishes are precariously sitting in the sink. Clothes are thrown around the house. Dirt from outside is scattered about the floors.
I guess Jake assumed I would clean the house when I returned.. It certainly didn’t look like he made any effort. With a sigh, I get started picking up our things. The act of washing dishes calms my annoyed nerves, but the sound of the whirling vacuum suction brings it back. Like a mad woman, I furiously jerk the cleaner back and forth across the carpet.
Arms snake around my waist and I jump. The zone I was in is broken and I turn around to hit Jake.
“You scared me to death!”
I am about to remind him of his mess around the house when he gives me a sultry smile. Jake hooks his fingers in the loops around my waist to pull me close. He leans down and places a luscious kiss on my lips. Struggling for control I push him away and cross my arms. Jake's gaze drops to my chest and I angrily drop my arms.
“Were you waiting for me to return so I could clean the house? Or were you actually going to make the effort? I'm trying to remember the last time you cleaned up instead of me.”
Irritation boils inside me as Jake smirks.
“Don't give me that look, Jake.”
His eyes ignite at the challenge. He loves getting me mad because w
e always up in the bedroom forgetting what I was mad about to start with. Jake's hands find my hips once more and he pushes me against the nearest wall.
“I'm sorry. I was caught up in the fact that you weren't here with me.”
His lips brush over mine and my insides quiver. I am not going to let him get away with this.
“What about all the other times?”
“I took you for granted and I'm sorry. I'll help out more. I promise.”
Those hot lips graze the skin of my neck and his hands run up my sides.
“Don't you have somewhere to be,” I ask in a whisper.
“I've got an hour before I have to be at the rink. Are you going to be there?”
He moves my shirt down my shoulder to expose my skin. His mouth moves to that spot.
“Mhm,” is all I'm able to get out. Suddenly, Jake stops, leans against me, and smiles. He kisses the tip of my nose.
“I love you Sweetness.”
I bring my arms up to wrap around his neck.
“I love you too.”
“What's for supper? I need to eat before the game. Do you want to fix something or go out and eat?”
My temper flares. Immediately, Jake catches his mistake and corrects his self.
“Do we want to fix something together or go out and eat?”
“We'll have to go out. Neither of us have been to the grocery store.”
I give him a pointed look. That is yet another thing that I always do. I cross my arms and ignore Jake's dropped gaze.
“Okay, so I have some slack to pick up. I'll work on it. Let's go eat.”
We leave the house in Jake's Mustang and go to Carrabba's. A waitress seats us and I scan the menu. Jake is in an exceptionally good mood. Sitting across from me in the booth, his knees are pressed against mine and one hand is idly running over my knee.
Jake orders a steak, garlic mashed potatoes, and a sweet tea. I simply order a Dr. Pepper and the house salad. Every few bites, Jake looks over at me and I melt. I want to crawl over the table and rest in his arms. After the fifth time, I say something about it.
Whatever It Takes (Bold As Love) Page 4
