Relief washed over me. This was the first time all day that anyone had said anything that really reassured me things would be ok. I felt like hugging Dr. Williams right there in the elevator. Instead I turned my face up to him with a huge smile and simply said “Thank you.” But inside I could barely contain my joy. Darren was one of the lucky ones, quite lucky indeed to be under the care of a doctor as confident and competent as Dr. Williams.
The elevator doors opened. Dr. Williams waited for me to exit then led me to Darren’s room, walking briskly down the hall to room 1095. When we got there I hesitated outside the door. Dr. Williams stopped to look at me.
“I know this can be emotional time, but really, he’s fine. Come on in.”
If only the doctor had known what was really on my mind. He had no idea how long I’d been waiting for this moment, how many letters had passed between Darren and I over the months spent anticipating his return. Then the letter from Paul and the sudden shock of Darren being wounded in combat. The days worrying as he was transported back to the States. And those final hours spent sitting in the waiting area, desperate for news of a successful surgery.
I had to brace myself for what was about to happen next. I had built this reunion up in my head for so long and now it was happening, albeit it in a hospital room and not in a terminal at the airport. But I kept these thoughts to myself, taking a few deep breaths before following Dr. Williams through the doorway into the small hospital room.
CHAPTER 15
———
When I entered, I found Darren lying back in his bed with his eyes closed. His arms were tan after those long months under the hot Middle Eastern sun, but his face was pale. A grimace was on his face, clearly he was in a great deal of pain despite all the medication. His arm itself was heavily bandaged, primarily around his bicep and his elbow.
“The location of shrapnel around the elbow made this a particularly time-consuming surgery to perform, but by all indications we should expect a full recovery,” said Dr. Williams quietly to me.
I nodded.
“Sgt. Henderson, how are we doing?” asked Dr. Williams, announcing our presence to Darren.
His eyes slowly opened, and I held my breath for that instant, searching for the reaction in his big blue eyes.
“Good Doc,” he said weakly. Then his eyes lit up. “Lauren!? What are you doing here?”
Suddenly energy had returned to his voice and a big smile made its way across his face.
“Your friend Paul sent me a letter after you were wounded. I finally tracked you down to this hospital.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” said Darren contemplatively, still smiling and seemingly in awe at the situation.
“I’ve got some things to go over with the patient, but that can wait. I’ll let you two re-acquaint yourselves and come back a bit later if that’s alright.”
I nodded and mouthed “thank you” to Dr. Williams, watching as he exited the room. He closed the door behind him, leaving Darren and I alone for the first time in—well, I couldn’t remember exactly how long it had been since we’d been alone together like this.
Darren waved me over to his bed with his good arm. I dropped my purse on the spare chair in the room and walked cautiously over to him, feeling awkward and, now that I was finally in front of him, having no idea what to say. What was there to say?
So I went with something generic. “How are you feeling?”
“Amazing. I feel great.”
“But aren’t you in a lot of pain?”
“It’s not that bad. The pills help a lot, but they make me tired more than anything. I feel weak, the doctor says I’ll have to do months of physical therapy before I’m back to full strength.”
By now I was standing by the side of the bed, hands clutching my elbows. Here was Darren, just out of surgery and weakened with pain lying in a hospital bed, and yet I was the one feeling vulnerable.
“That’s good,” I said.
“Damn, Lauren, you’re much quieter than usual today. I’d have thought you’d be happier to see me.”
“I am happy to see you, it’s just…” I trailed off.
How could I give voice to the multifarious emotions running through me, my mind was going a million miles per minute. The self-doubt was back, and something about seeing Darren face to face was surreal. I knew what I wanted to say to him: I wanted to tell him I loved him, and not just as a friend. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be with him and that I was dying to know if he felt the same. But was this the right time? Was I just being selfish? He was recovering from surgery after being wounded in battle, what right did I have to drop an emotional bombshell on him when he was in this condition? No, I wasn’t that bold. I would have to wait until the time was right, until I was sure he would return my affection.
“Come here,” said Darren, reaching up for me with his good arm and pulling me down toward his bed. He held my head against his chest and slowly I wrapped my arms around him, giving him the best hug I could all things considered. I could feel his breath on my neck, warm as it blew against my soft skin. Chills went down my spine. Being held by him, this simple embrace, was everything to me right now. This was the moment I realized that everything would turn out alright. Then I heard him wince in pain.
I shot back up, looking him in the eyes. “Are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. You bumped my arm slightly but it’s ok.”
“Oh, no, I’m so sorry.”
“No, really, it’s fine. Just a bit sore still,” he said, giving me a brave smile. Darren could be in pure agony and he wouldn’t tell a soul. He was self-sufficient, he didn’t want to trouble people or have them waste their worry on him. How could I let him know that he didn’t always have to play the tough guy around me? How could I let him know I would be there with him through everything, both good and bad?
“I just can’t believe you’re finally home,” I said softly.
“I’m happy to be back in America, but damn I need to get the hell out of this bed. I’m going crazy, Lauren.”
“Do you know how long they’re going to keep you here?”
“No idea, they won’t really say. I know I look like I’m in awful shape, but I really don’t feel that bad, my arm hurts, that’s it. I can still walk and do every other normal thing. I just hate the idea of sitting in this bed getting all this attention when there’s another soldier who needs it more than me.”
I reached out and squeezed the bicep of Darren’s good arm. He was always thinking of others, after all the sacrifices he’d made, he just wanted better things for those around him. There was no doubt in my mind that he considered every man in uniform his brother. He was willing to die for them, and for us civilians, too.
“We’ll ask the doctor when he gets back how long they need to keep you here. I’m sure there are more tests they need to run, especially after the operation. They probably want to check your progress, make sure you’re recovering properly.”
“I know. I’m just sick of laying down all the time. In Afghanistan, I used to run eight miles a day, workout, go through drills, work on intelligence projects, plan missions. In here I’m staring at the walls all the damn day, it’s enough to make a man go crazy.”
He paused, staring out the window, into the grey skies outside.
“Give me a bunker in the desert any day. I’d rather be getting shelled by Taliban insurgents than spend another minute in the hospital. I fucking hate hospitals.”
“Well, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be out of here in no time. I’ll talk to Dr. Williams and see what the timetable is for releasing you.”
It’s funny, I thought. Here’s a guy who spent years fighting overseas, was wounded in combat, and just sat through over six hours of surgery—and his biggest complaint is being cooped up in a hospital bed.
CHAPTER 16
———
The next person to enter Darren’s room wasn’t Dr. Williams but one of his many nurses. She had a clipboard
and a number of papers Darren needed to sign, a difficult task considering he wrote with the hand of the arm he’d just had surgery on and hadn’t yet regained feeling in his fingers. Instead he did his best to scribble his name with his left hand over the various sheets of insurance forms and other administrative paperwork.
Soon Dr. Williams was back in, wanting to go over the medicine and therapy regimen Darren would be going through over the next several weeks.
“I’ve prescribed you two week’s worth of painkillers, but don’t take them unless you really have to. After two weeks, the most intense pain should have subsided and you can just take Tylenol or Aspirin. About three weeks in, you’ll have healed enough to begin physical therapy. You’ll need a weekly appointment for probably the next month or so. I’ll give you a reference for a good PT around where you live so you won’t have to drive all the way up here every week. However, every two weeks I’ll need you to schedule an appointment with me so I can monitor your progress and make any necessary adjustments to the therapy and medicine regimen. If you have any questions whatsoever, or notice any abnormal pains or sensations, don’t hesitate to call and we can set something up sooner. Or I can refer one of my colleagues who’s a little closer to your hometown.”
I sat in the chair next to Darren listening intently. I knew Darren probably wasn’t listening, anxious as he was to find out when he’d be getting out of the hospital. Somebody had to make sure to pay attention to the doctor’s orders.
“When is he going to be able to leave, Doctor?” I asked politely. In some sense, I was just as anxious as Darren was to learn the answer. I couldn’t exactly stay at the hospital all week. I had the shop to run, after all, and I knew my employees wouldn’t be able to cover too long without me.
“Well, we can’t let him go on the same day as surgery. We like to observe patients overnight, the first twelve hours are usually when 95% of major issues come to light. I think he’s fine though and I’d feel comfortable permitting him to leave first thing tomorrow morning. We’ll just need to have one last look at that arm before he goes.”
“Paging Dr. Williams, 4th floor ICU. Dr. Williams, 4th floor ICU” said a hollow sounding voice over the PA system of the hospital.
“Sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow before you leave. Lauren, could I speak with you in the hall for a second.”
“Sure,” I said, nodding. Not really knowing what he’d need to speak to me about. I followed him out into the hallway. Dr. Williams shut the door to Darren’s room.
“Lauren, Darren is going home with you, correct?” he asked quietly, but seriously.
“Umm,” I wasn’t sure what to say. The be honest I hadn’t really thought about this surprisingly.
“The reason I ask is that I need someone with him, making sure he’s taking his medicine, driving him to therapy, all those things.”
“Yes, I can do that,” I said. Maybe it did make sense for Darren to stay with me. His parents were retired and living in Florida now and his younger sister definitely wasn’t responsible enough. Besides, she was living with her boyfriend now and I knew he and Darren didn’t get along.
“Good. He needs someone there for him. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, but he’s a hard-headed and determined man. It’s the same quality that makes him an excellent soldier, but I’m afraid he won’t follow through on his treatment without someone there making sure of it.”
I laughed. The Doctor had only known Darren for a short while, but one of his most salient characteristics, his stubbornness, had already shown through.
“Ok, I’ll make sure to whip him into shape,” I said, amused at the Doctor’s candidness.
“Good. I need you there with him every step of the way, it’s crucial to a full recovery. If he stops going to physical therapy sessions, his arm mobility will be drastically limited, and I know he doesn’t want that. Alright, I’ve got to run. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Goodbye. And thank you.”
“It’s my job, ma’am. Now go see your boy.”
I stayed with Darren the rest of the afternoon, just talking with him and hanging out. It was pleasant and peaceful, and Darren was in high spirits knowing that soon he’d be outside of these drab hospital walls. With ten minutes to 9:00 PM, a nurse came by and told me that visiting hours were over soon. I packed up my things and gave Darren a kiss on the head, knowing he’d sleep well tonight. He didn’t want to admit it, but I could see that the long surgery had really taken it out of him. And finally having Darren home safe and sound, with the concerns put out of my mind by Dr. Williams’ positive prognosis, I knew I would finally sleep well, too.
As I drove back to my motel that night, I thought about the weeks to come. We’d decided that Darren would stay with me for the next few weeks. As I’d expected, he didn’t want to live with his sister and her boyfriend. He wanted to see his parents for Christmas, but traveling there for Thanksgiving was absolutely out of the question; he was in no condition to be flying anytime soon.
And so it happened that Darren would just crash at my place for awhile. It just seemed to make sense. It would just be casual of course, no pressure or anything, but we were both pretty happy with the arrangement. I was looking forward to his company, cooking for him, just spending some time together. We had a lot to catch up on and now we’d finally have the time to do it in. There was no need to rush into anything too quickly.
That night I climbed into the motel room bed alone, but dreaming of the possibility of a future in which that would no longer be the case. And as expected, I slept soundly that night.
CHAPTER 17
———
When I got to the hospital the next morning Darren was already looking much better. The color had returned to his face and he was looking strong and healthy, minus the bandaged arm of course. Dr. Williams came in for a final examination before clearing Darren for release. There were a few more papers for us to sign, and before we left Dr. Williams handed me a packet with all the instructions for his post-operational treatment, as well as the various prescriptions he’d written for Darren.
“Take care, Sergeant. Enjoy life on the outside.”
“I will. Thanks, Doc,” said Darren. And before I knew it we were exiting the elevator into the hospital parking garage.
Darren was happy to be outside, tired of breathing the stale air of the various hospitals he’d been confined to for the past several days. We got into the car and left the garage, turning left toward the exit of the hospital campus. After a few more turns, we were on the highway, heading back to my small apartment.
The drive was quiet and comforting, the poor weather of yesterday giving way to clear and sunny skies. The air was brisk, but Darren insisted on cracking a window, happy to drink in the fresh American air. I turned on one of his favorite radio stations and we just cruised for awhile. Every now and again I looked over to find him staring out the window, seemingly mesmerized by the country he saw streaming by outside.
Sometimes I’d look over to find him staring intently at me, a slight smile on his face, grateful to be home. When I noticed this, I blushed and turned my eyes back to the road. There was still so much to say, but a moment like this was too perfect to ruin with words. We’d have plenty of time to talk over the coming weeks. But if I’d thought I’d fallen for Darren before, my desire was only increased by his presence so close to me. I felt safe and at home with him, but I wanted more than just comfort and safety—I wanted him in no uncertain terms, to be both ravaged and loved by him. How long would I have to wait?
I spent the drive mulling over these thoughts, occasionally glancing at the handsome man beside me, wondering if the same things were going through his head. He was an honest man, and blunt when he needed to be, but sometimes he could be so hard to read. I was waiting for some kind of sign, something to tell me my advances wouldn’t be rejected. Before I made myself vulnerable, before I put myself out there, I needed to be positive that he felt the same.
I thought of Paul’s letter. Sure, that was a sign. But since I’d been back Darren had made no mention of those feelings for me. If he felt so strongly, wouldn’t that have been one of the first things he’d said to me? Maybe Darren was waiting for a sign too. Maybe he was afraid of being rejected himself, reluctant to put himself out there, not knowing how I felt about him. But how could he not know? Wasn’t it obvious when he saw me at the hospital?
On the other hand, maybe my care was just interpreted as the behavior of a friend. Then another thought occurred to me: maybe he was still hung up on Jessica. I didn’t like that idea, but I had to admit that it was a possibility. But I was sick of being the friend. I wasn’t about to nurse Darren back to health just to watch him end up with another woman. That would be a heartbreak I just didn’t have the strength to bear.
So while I should have been ecstatic to have Darren at my side, my thoughts turned more pensive on the ride home. Mired in uncertainty, a thousand different scenarios played through my mind. I did my best to put these sad thoughts out of my mind. I had already lost Darren to Jessica once before and I didn’t even want to think about the possibility of losing him again.
CHAPTER 18
———
The next few days were quiet and uneventful. With Thanksgiving coming up, the shop was busier than ever. A few weeks earlier I’d introduced a seasonal special: a Thanksgiving sandwich with roasted herb Turkey, homemade stuffing and cranberry mayo. I even had a selection of five different homemade gravies for people to choose from. Apparently word had gotten around while I was away. On my first day back at the shop I got several calls from people asking if I would be open on Thursday or if they could get my sandwiches to go.
Waiting for Her Soldier Page 4
