by Bry Ann
I stare at the wall blocking her from us.
My eyes feel heavy, a sensation I’ve only known a few times in my life. All of those times were when I was young boy, abused and confused as to why my father was trying to make me evil. Since then, since I realized it was all pointless anyway, I haven’t cried. But hearing that Sage has locked herself in the darkness of her mind is giving me that same crushing feeling I felt as kid.
“How about her sleep?” I whisper.
“Rare, if ever. She goes days and days without it until she finally completely knocks out wherever she’s at. I’ve found her on the bathroom floor before.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call.”
“Yeah,” he says with flat displeasure, “me too.”
“You must be Sage’s parents,” Ray says, coming of the room, looking exhausted.
“Yes, Charles, and this is my wife, Molly.”
He extends a hand, but Ray doesn’t care. She doesn’t care about who he is, and she definitely doesn’t care about pleasantries. Knowing I’m not gonna like it, she sends me a glare before speaking.
“Would you like to speak privately?”
I will fucking spy if Charles says I can’t be here…
“Anything you have to say, you can say in front of Nixon. He’s done a lot for my daughter.”
That earns another curious look from Ray. She knows me. She’s been here when I’ve literally thrown bodies into the ER, not one fuck given. She knows more than most about me. When I was eighteen and she was twenty-one, having graduated early, a nurse fresh out of college and ready to take on the world, she confronted me. Wanted to know why I brought injured people in more than anyone else she’d ever met. It wasn’t like I brought a crazy amount of people in here or anything, but when Aaron has me hurt someone I don’t feel deserves it, I bring them here.
I laid it out for her. If we a adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, I’ll bring as many people to her as I can. She debated it. Fidgeted. Asked more questions, which I did answer. I had a good feeling about her. I can’t explain it, but I’m never wrong about this stuff. Eventually, the promise of saving more lives and my lack of a “bad guy” vibe won her over. It’s a win-win. I feel less shitty about the shit Dad makes me do and she gets to save people.
That said, she knows me. Knows I don’t care about anyone personally. That I’m sort of an automated human, used to doing what I’m told and wrapping it up in a pretty bow of good looks and charm.
“Right, of course,” she bristles. “Sage is awake. She’s okay. We’re giving her an IV now to give her body some desperately needed electrolytes. She did take heroin before coming here.”
Charles hisses out a breath and squeezes his nose. His wife takes a deep breath and, if I’m not mistaken, lets a look of slight annoyance slip. Which… let me tell ya, control is hard to manage. I wanna smack her upside the head and ask what the hell is wrong with her.
“But the drugs had very little impact on her condition. She passed out from lack of food and low electrolytes. Are you working on increasing her weight? Her BMI is extremely low and she’s deficient in virtually every vitamin and mineral.”
Ray frowns, clearly displeased with Sage’s parents. Politics, yeah, she sucks at them, but she’s a damn good nurse, which has saved her ass more than once.
“I was looking into treatment centers. She hasn’t been eating, just drinking fluids. I’ve started sneaking smoothies in her for more calories, but… given her already fragile condition, she’s still lost a drastic amount of weight.”
Ray nods. Sage’s medical history would have been in her chart already.
“Well, I’ll continue to give her electrolytes. Make sure she’s stable. As for the drugs—”
“I’ll handle it. The police do not need to be notified.”
There’s a firmness in his voice. The Charles Briar-Rose the world is used to clearly comes out here. Good. He should fight for his daughter.
“No. We don’t notify the police, HIPAA and all that. Not that I would anyway,” Ray mutters. “Since she’s underage, I just wanted to make sure you knew and were doing something about it.”
Her voice is firm as her golden eyes bore into Charles.
“I’m on it.”
Sage. Fuck. She doesn’t want that. I glance nervously at her room.
“Did she say anything to you?”
“No.” Rare sympathy crosses Ray’s face before she schools it. “She appeared very afraid for a moment, but then shut down. Nothing we said to her seemed to register.”
I turn to Charles before he can say anything.
“Can I talk to her for a moment? Alone?”
“I’m not sure that’s a good—” Sage’s mom begins, but is cut off by Charles, much to her clear displeasure.
“Yes,” he states firmly. “If you can reach her, please, by all means.”
I nod and head for the door.
I’ve never suffered with anxiety or fear in my life. When you’re never a kid, never innocent, it’s easy to push aside that shit. Sure, I’ve felt pain, loneliness, misunderstanding, but fear, nervousness? Never.
I can’t mistake the fact that that’s exactly how I feel right now. My heart feels like a kick drum in my chest.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
“Nix?” Ray calls in an uncharacteristically quiet voice. “Be prepared. She’s not in a good way, okay?”
I look back at her, seeing her eyes studying me.
“I’m always prepared, Ray.”
She huffs, but doesn’t dwell. She’s immediately gone, rushing down the hall to her next patient.
I take a deep breath and push the door open. Sage is on the bed, looking even more pale, if that was at all possible, frail and completely distant. There are wires coming out of her and beeping machines all around her. Yet none of this seems to faze her as she stares blankly up at the ceiling, lying on her back, letting the hospital blankets drown her slight frame.
“Hey, Sage,” I say softly.
Nothing. Not even a slight twitch of her muscles.
I walk over, pull up a chair and lean over her bed.
“I’m gonna touch you. Just so you know, princess, I refuse to just accept that you’re not here. I know you are, so I’m gonna treat you accordingly. Can I touch you?”
Nothing.
“Fine. I’m gonna move you into a sitting position. Right now I’m talking to somebody lying down, staring at nothing. Feel free to tell me if you don’t want to be moved, though. If you don’t, well, you’re gettin’ moved, brave girl.”
I swear I see her finger twitch. She’ll come back. I know she’s here.
I slip my hand under her back. I have to take a moment to breathe when I feel all the bones poking through. Being extra careful, I move her up on the bed and then hit the button to raise the back of the bed so she’s sitting. Sage doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t react at all.
I feel the feelings rising within me, but used to shoving them aside, I do just that and take a seat.
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone, Sage. I was out on a job, and then,” I sigh, “I wanted to give you and your dad a chance to mend things without me intervening. I didn’t know, I just thought… Sage, fuck, I didn’t know your parents were that much of a trigger for you. I thought it was teenage girl stuff with some added problems ‘cause of your dad’s wealth. I didn’t know the pain went this deep, doll. If you could just nod for me. Do something. Just let me know you’re here. They want to send you away, Sage. They want to send you somewhere so you can get help. I know why you don’t want that. I get it. I get that you don’t want to relive everything 24/7. You just got out, but… if you don’t give me something, I… I won’t let you lose yourself, Sage. I made you a promise, remember? I wouldn’t let you go crazy. Well…” I scoff. “This is me keeping it. And you made a promise, too. To Pamela. Remember? In fact, speaking of, I had your dad bring someone over for you.”
I reach in the back of my p
ants, where I stuffed Pamela. After I called her dad, I texted him back and asked him to bring the hippo with him.
I gently place the hippo on her lap. There’s a pause, a long one, but then Sage slowly moves and wraps her arm around Pamela and brings her to her neck, tucking her head onto the top of her.
“Hey, look who’s back.”
She doesn’t respond, but I got something more out of her. Something that wasn’t just a movement, but a sign she’s still in there. That’s why I had Charles bring Pamela. If Sage didn’t react to the hippo, I’d know she was really gone. But she did! She fucking did.
“I hear you’re not eating. What’s up with that, huh? You love food more than most people I know. Here I make an effort to eat more vegan food and less beef jerky, just to find out you’re not eating. Bullshit, I tell you. Bullshit.”
Sage pokes one eyes out of where she’s hiding in her hippo. I wave one finger at her. There’s a flicker of recognition in her eyes. I see it. I see her slowly coming back, but based on the tightness in her jaw, she doesn’t like it.
“You may not like it, but I’m not giving up on you.”
Her eyes flare. I smirk.
“You know I’m stubborn, Sage.”
Her jaw tightens.
“Should I get your dad?”
Her eyes slowly roam around the room. She slowly lifts her hand and starts to open her mouth but closes it quickly.
I sit forward. “Sage, what do you need? You need to tell me. I don’t know what you're trying to say.”
Slowly, four of her fingers curl and she starts to make a motion like she’s writing.
“You want a pen and paper?” I ask quickly, remembering the dealer mentioning the post-it she gave him.
Nothing.
“Sage, you have to at least nod. I’m not babying you.”
Again, her jaw ticks, but she flicks her head up and down once.
“I don’t know where paper is, but can you make a note in my phone? Nod, yes or no.”
She nods. Yes.
“Good job, Sage,” I whisper.
She says nothing, but I see something in her eyes I can’t interpret. As I reach for my phone, I remember who I actually am.
Shit. I can’t give her my goddamn phone. If I turn this sucker on, it could lead one of my father’s men here. I’m not willing to risk that. I’d be forced to kill him for going near Sage, and that would cause a whole heap of a mess. Not to mention, I hate killing more than anything. Unfortunately, I’ve been forced into it. I first killed a man at eleven. Why would I do that? My dad had a gun to my mother’s head. Even as abusive as she was, I couldn’t let him kill her. So I sold my soul.
Then there are the texts she’d see. Nope, that can’t happen.
I lean over and slam the nurse’s button. This will piss them off, but I don’t care. Sage’s eyes are almost eerie when they are empty, and right now both of them are on me, wanting answers.
“Giving you my phone isn’t a good idea,” I mutter as the nurse walks in. Her stare only deepens.
I turn to the nurse to avoid her questions, relieved to see it’s Ray.
“I need some paper and a pen.”
“Really, Nix?” she snaps. “That’s what you hit the button for?”
She rolls her eyes, reaches in the pocket of her scrubs, and chucks a pen at me. I laugh and wink at her, irritating her even further.
“I’ll go get you paper, your highness.”
She gives Sage a soft smile, sensing her tension, and storms out. I turn back to Sage. She looks trapped and confused, green eyes skittering frantically around the room.
“She’s a bit of bitch, but she’s the best at what she does.”
“Thanks, please stop flattering me. My ego will explode,” Ray says flatly from the doorway. She slams the paper in my lap.
“I gave you quite a bit so you don’t need me again. Sage, that doesn’t include you. Call me anytime.”
To knock Ray down a bit, I smirk and place the paper gingerly in Sage’s hands.
“Here’s the paper you requested, Sage.”
Ray’s jaw tightens. Her mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. It takes her a moment before she snaps out of it, and leaves the room to the sound of my laughter.
“Asshole!” she screams from the hall.
I turn back to Sage. “Sorry about that.”
I expect her to still be staring at me, but the second I turn, Sage thrusts a piece of paper in my hands. I bristle for a second, and lift the paper to my eyes.
Don’t let them lock me away
Please, PLEASE.Woah.
I take a deep breath before speaking.
“Sage, you have to give me something. I can’t fight for you if you won’t fight for yourself. I’m not gonna keep you out of treatment just so you can destroy yourself.”
I almost give her a second to respond, but out of nowhere, fear disguised as anger boils within me.
“I mean, look at you! You’re skin and bones! I… I found you passed out in an alley, high on drugs, Sage! Do you know how scared I was? Do you?”
She looks down, ashamed.
“Really fucking scared. I don’t have friends. I don’t have a real family. I let you in my home. I… I fucking care about you, princess, and you’re dead set on destroying yourself! I know it’s not your fault,” I purposely lighten my voice, “but I have to keep my promise to you as well. I won’t let you lose yourself, brave girl. I can’t and won’t.”
A tear rolls down her cheek as she slowly starts to write again.
I’m sorry
“Don’t be sorry, just do something. Please, Sage. I’m scared for you.”
She writes again.
I'll try. I just… I have to be safe.
Once I’m done reading, I frown at her. “Explain.”
When she goes for the paper, I lightly grab her wrist.
“Talk to me.”
Her eyes go wide.
“Sage, you know you’re safe with me.”
She starts to tug at my hold on her. I let her go. I know better than to hold Sage back in any way physically after what she’s endured.
She goes for the paper, gets the pen close, and freezes. She glances at me, the hippo, the paper, then me again.
Then she sets the pen down.
My heart beats faster.
“Come on, brave girl. Earn your nickname.”
“Just…” She scrunches her face like it hurts to speak. Her voice is scratchy and hoarse. “You. Just you.”
“Sage, your dad is the one who wants you to go to a treatment center. He’s scared. He’s the one who needs convincing. Not me.”
“But I don’t want him to… hurt me… anymore.”
“Hurt you?” I snap immediately. “Explain. Now.”
“His love… hurts me.”
My shoulders slump. “Sage…”
“There are too many memories there,” she cries, getting her voice back. “The staff. I hate the way they look at me. Like I’m broken. Then my mom’s pity love. Then my dad’s real love, and all those nights I spent begging him to love me. Begging anyone to love me. All the nice things and companies and fancy people just reminded me that I’m… I’m…” She squeezes her eyes shut. “I’m just a whore! That’s it! I can’t be there! I need the drugs, Nix. I needed the quiet so I didn’t have to hear it all in my head over and over and over again. All the eyes pitying me, judging me, made the noises in my head, the sounds of people violating me, play in my head over and over. Whore. Whore. Whore. I can’t do it. Maybe that makes me a coward, but if so, so be it. It’s too much, but that doesn’t mean I should be locked away. I’m just protecting myself.”
“You’re not a whore, Sage,” I murmur, feeling my eyes swell with tears that I have to turn to clear away.
“I am, but it’s okay. I know.”
I have to close my eyes to reign in my rage. “You are not a fucking whore. They just made you feel that way ‘cause of what they did to you.”
Sage’s lower lip wobbles. “Nix, I had sex with Sty right before he took me. I did that all on my own. All by myself. When I came home after Sty kicked me out for crying when I gave him my virginity, guess what Dad called me? Yep, a whore.”
I freeze. “He called you a whore?”
“Well, he said I looked like one, but still. He was right,” she shrugs, “I am. I did it on purpose with him. I basically invited him to do what he did. I showed I’d make a good—”
“Stop!” I scream. “Fuck. Sage. You were in a relationship with him. You were a healthy teenage girl in a relationship and chose to do that with him. That does not fucking make you a whore. It didn’t give him the right to rape you. To sell you. Do you get that?”
She levels me with a stare. “I fucked a predator. I’m a whore.”
“Knock, knock, coming in.”
I stare at Sage, watching as she goes blank again.
“Yeah, come in,” I mutter.
“Hello, I’m Robin. I’m your nurse for the rest of this afternoon, Sage. The doctor asked me to get some more blood from you, if that’s okay.”
Nothing. Sage looks completely vacant.
Shit.
How am I supposed to keep people from locking her up with her acting like this?
“Do you mind stepping out for a moment?”
I nod. “Sure,” I murmur.
I quickly snatch the first note she left me and glance at it, before stuffing it in my pocket.
Don’t let them lock me away
Please, PLEASE.
I’ve done a lot risky shit in my life, but I have feeling doing this is gonna be the riskiest, most worthwhile thing I do, if I do as she asks here.
I can’t watch her lose herself, but I have an odd feeling that if I let them lock her away without hope of freedom, that’s exactly what’s gonna happen.
