by Dara Nelson
It was one tiny word but it was filled with so much sadness and heartache, such complete devastation.
Then he licked the blood off of her fingers and sat up on the edge of the bed with his back to her, his shoulder slumped and his head down. She was afraid to move – but she was also afraid not to. She watched him for a moment, fascinated, as the scratches on his back simply disappeared. She leaned up on one elbow and reached her hand out to touch his arm. He bristled and hissed as if her fingers were hot pokers but then he relaxed slightly as her fingers lightly caressed his arm. “Colton?” she whispered.
“I’m not ready to talk about it,” he whispered.
“Did, did I do something wrong?” she stammered.
His head whipped around and he cupped his hand to her cheek, “No! Absolutely not. Please don’t think that. It’s just that what you did reminded me of a very difficult time in my life. And you can’t mess around with vampire blood. It’s very dangerous stuff for humans. You take the high that junkies get from the strongest drugs on earth – heroin, opiates, pain killers, anything – roll them all into one and multiply the high times a hundred and maybe you’d come close to the powerful effects vampire blood has on a human – and that’s just one drop. You don’t want to drink this stuff unless you’re serious – unless you’re going to be turned – otherwise the addiction will consume you. I know, I’ve seen it happen.”
******************************************He wasn’t ready to talk about it. Shit, it had been almost eighty years since it happened. When exactly did he think that he’d actually be ready to talk about it? He’d never be ready, but she deserved to know that his freak out had nothing to do with her. He lay down on his back, covered his bottom half with the sheet and his eyes with his arm – he knew he couldn’t make eye contact with her when he told her. He wouldn’t be able to handle the pity or the sadness in them. And he knew it would be there, it should be there, but he couldn’t handle seeing it there. He smiled slightly as she began caressing her fingers over his stomach. “The last time I made love to a woman was, well, it was a long time ago.”
“How long, Colton?” she whispered.
“You don’t want to know,” he said, smiling.
She sounded way to serious as she said, “Yes, I do.”
He dropped his arm and looked at her, “No secrets?” he said and she nodded and then swallowed hard.
His arm moved back up and covered his eyes again. “Okay, no secrets. I haven’t made love to a woman in seventy eight years.”
Her fingers hesitated slightly on his stomach then resumed caressing. “You haven’t had sex in almost eighty years and you still performed the way you did for me? That’s freaking impressive, Colton.”
“I didn’t say I hadn’t had sex. I said that I hadn’t made love,” he whispered.
“Oh,” she said then she took a deep breath, “Okay, tell me what happened.”
“Her name was, L, L, Lisette. She was beautiful, spontaneous, fun, full of life – she was the sunshine in my dark existence. She knew what I was and yet she still loved me with all of her heart. We were together for almost two years, we were engaged to be married, and she was ready to go through the change so that we could be together forever. I was so happy. I was so in love. And then the night before we were going to turn her, she asked to taste my blood when we were making love. At first I told her no, but she argued and begged. “Let me see just one time what it feels like when I’m human. Tomorrow I’ll be vampire and then it won’t matter,” she told me. I gave in, how could I not? I loved her. I gave her a small taste from my wrist – just a few drops - and I thought she was fine – she seemed fine. But the next morning, when I returned from feeding, she was gone. The addiction had such a strong hold on her already that she had run off and gone underground.”
“Gone underground?”
“That what we call the darkest part of vampire society. She roamed the seediest alleys and the dirtiest clubs searching for vampires who would feed her addiction. And she would do anything to get it. I found her several times but she always fought me and ran away. She went back to the whoring, the blow jobs, the sex – all for vampire blood. She was killed a few months later by a rogue vampire who got too rough during sex – he broke her neck…..so I broke his, right before I tore his head off.”
He felt her shiver slightly at his last statement – she should, it was only natural for a human. But then she rolled closer to him to hug him and kiss his chest, “I’m so sorry, Colton. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
Colton hugged her and kissed the top of her head, “You’re the only one who knows that story, Tess. I want you to know that.”
“Hansen doesn’t know?”
“No. Hansen saw it happen but I was never able to tell him the whole story, he just knew that she ran off and left me, he never really knew why – and I haven’t been able to talk about it.”
She laid her head back on his chest and just lazily caressed it for a few minutes. He thought he might doze off until she whispered, “Colton?”
“Yes, Tess?”
“No secrets, right?”
He tensed slightly, “Right. Why?”
She lifted her head up and rested her chin on her closed fist on his chest, “Because I kind of got most of my memory back,” she said, and then he saw her cringe, almost like she was afraid that he would be mad at her. Why the hell would she be afraid of that?
“What do you mean ‘most’ of it? And when did you get it back?”
“Well, it kind of all came back with that last orgasm you gave me and….”
“You’re welcome,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.
She smiled and continued, “And by most of it I mean I remember my life, my work, where I live. But I don’t remember that night, yet.”
“Why did you wait until now to tell me?” he said.
She leaned her ear back on his chest to listen to the strong thump, thump of his heart rather than looking him in the eye, “I don’t want to tell you that,” she mumbled.
******************************************His fingers cradled her chin and brought her face up to his – but like a stubborn child, she had her eyes squeezed shut – and she was blushing from head to toe – and her heart, Dear God, her heart was racing.
“Tess, open your eyes. Look at me, Tess,” he said in his best ‘I’m a sexy vampire and you have to do what I want’ voice.
“Colton, I’m afraid to tell you,” she whispered and, fuck, her heart was pounding so hard she was afraid she was going to bounce off the bed.
He looked at her like a stern father, “Tess – why would you be afraid to tell me that you got your memory back?”
“B,b,because I don’t want you to send me home, okay? I’m not ready to. I don’t want to go. But that sounds so pathetic and needy and fucking clingy and I can’t believe I just said it.”
He laughed and wrapped his arms tightly around her, “Tess, you are not going anywhere,” he said.
She breathed a sigh of relief. He wanted her here. He wanted her to stay….until he said:
“It’s not safe for you to go home until we find out who did this to you.”
She couldn’t hide her disappointment. She turned her ear back to his chest to try to hide it and whispered, “Oh.”
She felt him shift on the bed. He flipped her over so that she was underneath him. He smoothed the hair down on her head as he said, “Tess. You’re staying here until we find whoever did this to you and then, after that, well I’m definitely open to suggestions. But let’s wait to figure that out later, okay? I don’t want anything to distract me from my duty to protect you and bring your attacker to justice.”
He leaned down to kiss her again but had to stop when there was a knock on the door. He grinned down at Tess and said, “Hansen’s been pacing outside that door for over an hour. I should probably let him in. Plus, you’re hungry, you need to eat.”
“I’m hungry? I didn’t even know that yet, n
ot really. How did you?”
“I can hear that your stomach is, ummm, empty. Why don’t we head downstairs? We can get you something to eat and then I can talk to Hansen about this wolf and try to find out how it got in. Okay?”
Tess nodded her head. Colton jumped up, went to the closet and grabbed a bathrobe for Tess. He tossed it to her on the bed then he grabbed a pair of sweatpants and slid them on. He walked to the edge of the bed and offered her his hand to help her stand. She took one look at his chest and said, “You really should put on a shirt, you know.”
“Me? Why? I don’t get cold.”
“I know you don’t get cold. But look at you. How the hell am I supposed to keep my hands off of you when you look like that?”
Colton looked surprised for a moment. Could he really not know how fucking hot he was, she thought. Then he surprised her by saying, “Oh. Don’t.”
What the hell was that supposed to mean? “Don’t? Don’t what?” she whispered. Her heart started pounding – she was afraid he was saying ‘Don’t touch me.’
The twinkle in his eye and the sly, sexy smile told her she was wrong before he even opened his mouth, “Don’t keep your hands off of me,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead.
“Thank you,” she whispered as she hugged him tight.
“For what? For letting you touch me? Believe me, the pleasure’s all mine. I should be thanking you.”
“No, not that. Thank you for helping me to feel good again. I’ve been lost for years, Colton. My readings never made any sense; they sent me in a thousand different directions. None of my spells helped clear up the confusion. I had no idea what I’ve been searching for, what I’ve been yearning for. Now I know. I’ve been searching for you, somehow my inner-self knew you were out here somewhere. It guided me here – it led me to your woods when I escaped. Don’t freak out on me – I’m not talking some lifetime commitment or love here. Hell, we’ve only known each other for less than a week. But what we shared, what you’ve given me, is peace. I’m at peace now. I don’t need anything more from you, I’m content now,” she said as she felt a tear slide out of her eye. This was a huge emotional release for her. She knew that he would probably close up emotionally and push her away, but that was okay – or so she tried to tell herself.
He had listened to all of this and tried not to react. He didn’t want her to think that he was reacting to the wrong parts. Yes, it was frightening to hear her round-about way of saying that she was in love with him. He had shut himself off so completely to the emotional world that he wasn’t sure that he was capable of love anymore. She had shown him otherwise. And he was surprised at how easy it was, how natural it felt, to love her. And he did love her, he knew that. It terrified and thrilled him at the same time. But that’s not was he was trying to not react to. It was the other part. The part about readings and spells. She was a witch. That explained a lot. Actually, it explained everything. It explained how she was able to pull him to her – even if she didn’t realize that she was doing it. And it explained why the wolves had chosen her – and he had no doubt that they had targeted her. A werewolf with magical abilities? The only thing stronger would be a vampire with magical abilities. A werewolf-witch would give them powers that he shuddered to think of. He knew then that he had to tell her everything – even though it would probably trigger her memories of the kidnapping and rape. He unwrapped his arms from her, turned and sat on the bed, “You’re a witch,” he whispered.
“Yeah, and you’re a vampire. You got a problem with witches? What? Are you a racist vampire?” she said defensively.
He smiled sadly at her, “No, Tess, I’m not a racist vampire and I don’t have a problem with witches. But I do have a problem with werewolves – at least with werewolves who kidnap witches and try to turn them into super-werewolves.”
He watched her eyes as her brain registered what he had just said. He watched as recognition flashed in them. He watched as the terror of the attack forced itself from her repressed memories and into living, excruciating color. She screamed, “No!” Then she turned and crawled to the other side of the bed, trying desperately not to get away from him, but from the memories. He knew her instinct would be to run, but he also knew that her ankle would prevent her from doing it. The second both feet hit the floor, she cried out in pain and then fell to the floor on her hands and knees. He got up and walked around to her. Her lungs were desperately trying to pull in air, but she was hyper-ventilating. She was gasping for breath and trying to sob at the same time. He squatted next to her and reached his hand out to hers. She swatted his hand away and rasped, “Don’t touch me!” Then she fell over onto her side and curled up into a ball as the sobs finally broke free. She sobbed, she wailed actually, but she didn’t protest as he picked her up and cradled her to his chest. She cried endlessly, her tears raining down his stomach and arms, as the moment of the attack played over and over in her head, like some cruel scene-looped joke. He knew that nothing he could say right now would help, but he had to try. “Shhhhh, it’s going to be okay, Tess. I promise. I’m going to take care of you.”
Suddenly her head shot up and she slapped him across the face, hard. His cheek stung and he had tears in his eyes. He rubbed his cheek as she started screaming at him.
“You! You knew that would trigger the memory. You made me remember, you son of a bitch. God damn it, why did you do that?” she hissed.
“I’m sorry, Tess. I really am. It’s just that you need to know what’s going on here. This is huge. This threatens not only humans but vampires too. If he had been able to turn you – well, a werewolf/witch would definitely have been a threat to our existence. But if he had impregnated you when he turned you? There’s no telling how strong that child’s powers would have been. A hybrid like that would wreak havoc on all species’. And if that hybrid had created more hybrids? It would probably mean the end of all humans and vampires alike. Whoever decided to try this has violated just about every law, written and unwritten, that both vampires and werewolves have. I need to know who this alpha male is because he has to be stopped, and soon, before he tries this again – with you or any other witch out there.”
She climbed out of his lap and hugged her knees to her chin as she sat on the bed, turning her face away from him as she rested her chin on her knee, “That still doesn’t change the fact that you made me remember,” she whispered as she started rocking back and forth, “I don’t want to remember this, Colton. Do you know what they did to me? Do you realize how horrible it was? God, I can smell the musty stink from the room. I can feel every pain from what he and the others did to me. Jesus, Colton, I can’t handle this. You’re a vampire, can you make my memories go away? Can you make me forget again? Please?”
He reached for her but she cringed so he pulled back his hand. “I can, but it would take away the memories of last night. It would take away the memories of us. Do you still want me to do it, Tess? Do you want to forget the attack and everything that we’ve shared together?”
She turned her head and stared at him, “You’re shitting me, right? In order to continue feeling for you the way that I’m feeling now, I have to choose to keep remembering the worst thing that’s ever happened to me? How can I be with you when that image is in my head? How can I be with anyone?”
“You could tell me what happened, Tess. Maybe talking about it will help a little?”
She squeezed her eyes shut, “I, I, I can’t talk about it. It probably would help, but I can’t tell you all the vile and disgusting things that they did to me.”
“You can show me Tess. You can tell me what happened without saying a word.”
“How can I do that?” she whispered.
“Think about it and let me bite you. If you’re thinking about something at the moment that I bite you, those memories will flow into me. It might help lessen the pain, it’ll pass some of it to me. Let me help you hurt less, please Tess?”
She stared at him for a few m
oments with the saddest eyes he had ever seen.
She had to think about what he was asking. On the one hand she knew that talking about what had happened to her would help her to heal. But did she really want him to know what had happened? Did she really want to share that much of herself with him? What if he couldn’t look at her the same way again? What if he thought she was weak? What if he thought that she had somehow brought this on herself? What if he didn’t love her anymore? Love? What the hell was she thinking? Did she really think that he loved her? Already? “Where do you see this going, Colton? You, me, us – what do you think the future holds for us? Or is there even an us in the future?”
He rested his hand on her forearm, pleased that she didn’t shy away from his touch this time, “I hope that there is an us, Tess. I would like that very much. Look, I know we haven’t known each other for a very long time, but you’ve got to understand that for a vampire, time is irrelevant. We can take weeks, months, years even, to fall in love or it can happen in days, minutes. And when we do fall, it is completely, it is totally, it is head over heels, hopelessly in love. We put a lot of stock in controlling our emotions but when we meet someone who is able to break through that wall, well, there is no halfway with us. We’re either all in or all out. And with this, here, with us, I’m definitely all in, Tess.”
