by Izzy Bayliss
I buried my hands into the dough. I kneaded it and plied it, letting all the stress out through my fingertips. I got caught up in my work, letting myself unwind from the tension of the day. I was definitely happiest in my kitchen; I wished I could lock myself in there and away from the world and the worries that came with running a business.
I heard my phone go on the worktop beside me and quickly removed my gloves and scrambled to get it. I saw it was Sam calling me on Skype. I pressed the answer button and his image appeared on the screen. I could see the outline of skyscrapers through the glass in the background.
“You’re still in work? I thought you’d be finished by now?” he asked. It was almost eight p.m.
“Still here,” I sighed. “I’ve so much to do. I’ll be here for another hour anyway.”
“So how was your day?” he asked me.
“Great! Everything is going great.” I forced myself to sound cheery. “What about you, how’s it all going?”
“We’re getting on well, Ja–” The screen froze as it buffered.
“Sorry, what?” I asked when it had finally stopped and he appeared in front of me again.
“Jane, she’s great. She’s really easy to work with so we’re getting through the work quickly.”
“Oh, that’s good,” I said. “It’s nice to have someone who gets what it’s like.” Jane was the other person that had been seconded from Sam’s office. The two of them were steering the project together.
“Yeah, this city is great. They really know how to party!”
“Sounds like fun,” I said and even I could hear the sulky tinge to my voice. I knew I was being irrational, but I was tired and cranky. It seemed that he and Jane were living it up and having the time of their lives together, without a care in the world, meanwhile I had never been so stressed.
“Look, I’d better go. I need to get decorating these buns or I’ll be here all night,” I said after we had chatted a bit longer.
When I finally got home that evening I collapsed in a heap on the sofa. I was exhausted. My feet were throbbing from running around all day, and my head was pounding with stress. I was hungry, but I was too tired to move to get something to eat. It was difficult to get used being alone every night. I missed Sam so much; it was so hard to go from seeing him every day to virtual chats on Skype. I hated the distance between us. I just wanted the six months to be over and then things could go back to the way they were before.
I reached for my laptop and opened up Facebook. As I scrolled down through my newsfeed, I saw photos shared from everybody else’s happy lives and it just made me feel even more miserable. Suddenly I saw Sam was tagged in a photo. I clicked onto it and it looked like he was in a bar with some work colleagues. I noticed that Jane was tagged too. I knew I was being nosy but I couldn’t help myself and clicked onto her profile. I had never met her before so I was curious to see what she looked like but I wished I hadn’t when I saw how pretty she was. In the photo she was standing on the deck of a yacht with her arm swung around another girl, and her dark hair was blowing behind her in the wind. She was wearing a white kaftan, and her long limbs were golden and sun-kissed. Her head was thrown back in laughter showing perfect, pearly white teeth. She really was stunning. I couldn’t believe she and Sam were spending all that time on their own together. In another country. I felt my stomach lurch as a little tremble of fear washed over me. I knew I had to trust him but how was I supposed to do that when he was spending all his time with Giselle bloody Bundchen?
CHAPTER 10
It was a glorious morning as I cycled down Bluebell Lane the next day. Although it was chilly, I was relieved to see that the sky was brilliant blue and there wasn’t a cloud in sight. It was as if all the rain of the previous day had washed the sky clean. Seagulls caterwauled above the Dublin chimney tops and the low autumn sunlight glinted off the glass of the surrounding office blocks. The leaves on the trees around me had turned fabulous shades of burnt orange, saffron, and ochre.
I hadn’t slept well thinking about Sam and Jane. My mind had been racing imagining all kinds of awful scenarios but the sunshine on my cheeks was a welcome lift, helping to shake off my tired fog. Mounting my bike every morning and sailing through the city streets was one of my favourite parts of my day. No matter what was going on inside my head or how many worries I had, I always felt better afterwards.
As I got to work that morning, I set my chalkboard out on the cobblestones, followed by the tables and chairs. We were still far too quiet so I hoped the chance to sit in the sunshine might lure in some more customers. I had dropped off the fliers for free tea/coffee into some of the nearby office blocks like Frankie had suggested, and so far I had had a good few people in to redeem them. They usually purchased a little treat too, so it had worked, but my customer numbers were still nowhere near what I needed to keep the business going. And I was only paying a token rent, what would happen when Tom wanted me to pay the proper market value? There was no way I could afford to with the customer numbers we had now.
When I was finished I stood on the street for a moment and let myself soak up the sunshine. I couldn’t help smiling at my bakery. I knew I was biased but it really was the nicest shop on the street. I never got sick of looking at it. Despite my worries, I couldn’t help but feel lifted on a day like this. Sam flitted into my head and I wondered what he was doing right now. I hoped he was safely tucked up in bed and wasn’t still out partying with Jane.
I went back inside to get ready for the day ahead. Dad arrived a short while later and started to get the front of house ready while I concentrated on the baking in the kitchen. It was amazing how we had each slotted into our roles and knew automatically what needed to be done before the doors opened every morning. We were a good team. I began stacking some cupcakes inside the window and looked out at the busy street that was coming to life beyond. The streets were teeming with people but yet so few seemed to be stepping through the door. It was so disheartening. I was tempted to run out onto the street and physically shove them into my café so they could see for themselves what a wonderful place Baked with Love was. I really believed in my bakery, I just needed everyone else to too.
* * *
Later that evening, long after Dad had gone home, I sat in the kitchen and skimmed a spoon across a bowlful of lavender cream. I lifted a hefty spoonful up towards my lips. The subtle floral taste exploded on my tongue – it was just the right amount, delicate without being overpowering. “Mmmmh,” I said out loud to myself. It was divine. “Just perfect!”
I could happily sit there and eat the whole bowl of it by myself except I needed it to serve with the Earl Grey cake that I had just mixed. I allowed myself one more spoonful before I put the bowl into the fridge. I reckoned I deserved a little bit of a treat after the day I had had. A child had pulled a mug of coffee down off the table and spilled it all over himself. Thankfully the coffee had cooled down and he was all right, but it had given me such a fright. Then the postman arrived with a wad of bills, one of which was my rates bill. I had had to read it twice to make sure that the figure was correct. I had no idea how I was going to find the money to pay it. And this was all before the new Starbucks had even opened. They were hanging the sign the last time I had passed by so I knew it would be open any day now. Owning my own business was way more taxing than I could ever have imagined. I was stressed and exhausted all the time worrying about cash flow and supplier terms and trying to get customers through the door. It was at times like this that I felt an acute wave of longing for Sam. I missed him so much; it felt almost physical. I longed for his reassuring arms around me, telling me that everything was going to be okay. I checked the clock and calculated the time difference for when he would be leaving the office and I could call him. I just wanted to hear his comforting tones at the other end.
As soon as it hit five p.m. his time, I picked up my phone and dialled his number.
“Lily! How are you?” he answered. There was a lot of noise i
n the background. My heart sank when I realized he was obviously in a bar. Again.
“Great, everything is great!” I didn’t want to spoil my few minutes with him by boring him with the details of my awful day. “So where are you?” I asked.
“Oh, myself and Jane decided to head out after work and sample some of the New York night life. You should see this place – it’s a restaurant but there are even beds in it! It’s insane!”
The mention of her name made me bristle. I knew he was working long days so it was only natural that he was spending a lot of time with her, but he had been dropping her name into all our conversations lately and I couldn’t help feeling a little bit irritated.
“Sounds cool. I miss you.” I said forcing myself to sound cheery.
“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you there?”
“I said I miss y–”
Just then a screech of laughter cut through the air.
“Oh my god, you won’t believe it but there’s actually a fire-eater walking around here now!” Sam said.
“Great,” I said. I was trying so hard to keep the annoyance from my voice, but every time we spoke, he seemed to be having the time of his life. It didn’t sound like he even missed me. “Look, I’d better go and let you get back to your night.”
“Okay, no worries, I’ll call you tomorrow, Lily.”
“Sam, I love –”
But he had hung up the phone before I had even finished the sentence. I felt desolate. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and Jane and all the fun they were having together in New York. I felt consumed with jealousy. I knew I was being petulant and I had absolutely no reason not to trust him, but I felt that sickly feeling of my old insecurities raising their head again. Because Sam and Jane were the only two seconded from their office, they were naturally going to be spending all their time together but jeez, he didn’t need to make it sound like they were having so much fun! I knew I needed to trust Sam, but it was so hard after everything that had happened with Marc.
CHAPTER 11
A few days later I twisted my key in the lock and pushed the door open. As usual my ear waited for the sweet ring of the bell. I walked over the wooden floorboards and went through to the kitchen. I fired up the ovens and set to work making my scones. I mixed the flour and butter together with my key ingredient, a tiny splash of soda water, which always made my scones light and fluffy. I was just brushing their tops with egg wash before I would put them in the oven when I heard the bell tinkle outside.
“You open?” I heard Frankie’s voice call to me.
“I’m in here,” I shouted out to her.
“What has you up so early?” I asked, wiping my hands on my apron when she appeared in the kitchen doorway. She was wearing a black leather biker jacket over a very short dress. I took in her unruly hair and smudged eye make-up and wondered if she was trying out a new look. Nothing would surprise me with her job as a stylist. “Where are you off to?”
“It’s not early – it’s late. I haven’t been to bed yet.”
“Are you drunk?” I asked, realizing her speech was slurred.
“Noooo.”
“You are!”
“I may have had a couple.” Her eyes were wild and glassy.
“Well, it looks like you’ve had a lot more than a couple!”
“Why don’t you turn that little sign of yours back around to Closed and you and me go have some fun?”
“Frankie, it’s eight a.m. in the morning!”
“So?”
“The only thing I will be drinking at this time of the day is coffee.”
“Pleeeeease.” She clasped her hands together as if she was praying. “Come on, Lily, it’ll be like old times again.”
“I have a business to run!”
“You’re no fun anymore. You’re always working,” she said sulkily.
“I’m sorry, Frankie, but I just can’t shut up shop and head off on a bender with you! Anyway, don’t you have work to go to yourself?”
“I called in sick.”
“Frankie! That doesn’t look good.”
“Jesus, chill the boots, Lily! When did you get all sensible? I think I preferred you when your life was falling apart . . .”
“Good morning,” Dad said, coming through the kitchen door. “Oh hi, Frankie.”
“Hi, Mr Mc! Right, I’ll head on then seeing as you’re zero craic.”
Dad did a double-take as Frankie marched out past him. “What was that about?” he asked after she had gone.
“I’m not sure,” I said. I felt uneasy. I had been so caught up with Baked with Love and then with Sam moving to New York that I wasn’t as tuned into Frankie as I normally would be. She seemed to be going out all the time lately. Whenever I talked to her she was either on her way to or from a launch for some new product. She was forever flitting between parties, downing free cocktails and champagne. I always thought that lifestyle was part and parcel of her job. She was young, free and single so of course she wanted to have fun but there was a niggle in the back of my head that made me worry.
The door opened suddenly pulling me out of my thoughts. I saw Lottie and her grandmother coming in again. And true to her word she had brought two more people with her too. I almost ran out from behind the counter to hug her with gratitude.
“Good to see you again,” Dad said greeting her. “Hi Lottie!”
“I haven’t stopping raving to Hilda and Rose about this place since the last time I was here so I think it’s time I brought them so they could finally see for themselves and get me to shut up!” She laughed.
“That’s very kind of you,” I said.
“Since I’m almost a regular I think it’s time we learnt each other’s names, don’t you? Mabel Fox,” she said, offering her hand to me first and then Dad.
“I’m Lily,” I said.
“And I’m Hugh – I’m Lily’s Dad,” he said, shaking her hand.
“You must be very proud of your daughter, she is very talented – a born baker! It’s good of you to give her a hand.”
Dad shrugged his shoulders. “That’s what family are for!”
“It is indeed.” Mabel smiled widely at him. She had such a warm smile; it stretched from her mouth right up to the creases at the corners of her eyes. Her lined face showed a lot of laughter.
Her friends’ chose their cakes and Lottie insisted on her usual honey cookie before sitting down while Mabel paid.
“I’ll give you a hand down with the tray, you go and sit down,” I said to Mabel when I had everything loaded onto it.
“No, I’ll do it,” Dad said taking it from me and rushing out from behind the counter.
I watched as he walked towards the table with Mabel. He eased her tray down onto the table and as he stood talking with her for a moment, I noticed he had started to blush.
* * *
After lunch I went into the kitchen and opened up my laptop. Sam and I had arranged to Skype just before he would be heading into the office. I dialled his number but it didn’t connect. I guessed he was probably on the subway or something, but when the rest of the day went past and I didn’t hear from him, I started to get worried. I hated the distance between us; it was so hard sometimes. The logical part of my brain told me to relax, that he was probably just tied up working late on something. I knew he was under a lot of pressure and he really wanted to prove himself. I made myself a cup of tea and calmed myself down, then I sent him a text saying I loved him and missed him.
When he still hadn’t called me back when I was finally climbing into bed that night. I started to panic. What if something had happened to him over there? How would I know? Would his co-workers know to call me if there was an emergency? I began to catastrophise and imagined all kinds of horrible scenarios, each one worse than the last. I decided to log into Facebook to see when he had been last active. Within seconds I saw Jane had tagged him in a photo in a nightclub. There they were with cocktails in their hands and big cheesy grins. They had a feather
boa wrapped around both their necks. Her blonde balayage framed a pretty sun-kissed face showing off her perfect smile. It was a kick to the stomach. He was out with her again, yet he couldn’t manage to fit a five-minute conversation with me into his day? My heart sank. I shut down the laptop; I didn’t want to look at it anymore. What was happening to us? There was an ocean between us but tonight it felt like so much more. Did he even want to be with me anymore? I knew a long-distance relationship required work, but it didn’t seem like Sam was putting in any effort. He was too busy out partying with Jane. I felt the weight of tears building behind my eyes. How could he be so thoughtless? He knew everything that had happened between Marc and I, so he knew how hard it had been for me to let my guard down and to trust him, and this was how he treated me?
I didn’t sleep that night. I tossed and turned worrying about what Sam was up to. I listened as the birds started their morning chorus and bin lorries roared down the street. So when my phone rang just after six a.m., I reached for it straight away and felt a mix of relief and anger when I saw it was Sam.
