“What am I to you, then?”
That was the question. What was she to him? “I don’t know. Do we have to have a label?”
She stood up and calmly set down her cup on the bench next to him. “I don’t want to be just another woman on the circuit, Derek. Someone to warm your bed and follow you around, pouncing on any crumb of affection you happen to drop. You may not need or want any more than ‘fun’ from another human being, but I do.”
He stood, too, irritation that she thought he looked at her that way broiling through him. A few people were giving them sideways glances and whispering behind gloved hands. He didn’t care.
“Look, I can’t do the whole relationship thing. I’m not the guy who gives his heart away. The guy who is with one woman his whole life. I’m just not cut out for that. I don’t want that. I’ve never even told a girlfriend I love them.”
“Is that what you think I’m asking you for? A lifelong commitment right here, right now?”
He shook his head, truly angry now. His chest felt tight, like he was being squeezed by a giant boa constrictor. “This is why I don’t do relationships.”
“Right. Because it’s easier to just screw whoever wanders into your orbit and then to bail when someone wants more of you than a fuck and cab fare. I guess I’m supposed thank my lucky stars that the great Derek Sawyer thought enough of our ‘whatever’ to stick around for longer than it takes to change the sheets.”
Derek knew he was completely fucked. He’d said the wrong thing and was blowing it with Lilly. It was like a car crash in slow motion, and he didn’t know how to keep from smashing headfirst into the wall. Derek struggled to put into words what she was to him. Lilly was different from his past lovers. She was his friend. The person who made him smile and laugh and who he could be himself with. The woman who called him on his bullshit, even when he wished she wouldn’t.
“You’re my friend,” he said finally. “My best friend.”
She huffed and pulled on her gloves. “Friends care about each other. They look out for each other. They have each other’s backs. They don’t ask their friends to give up their dreams, and they don’t walk after it stops being fun.”
“You’re not asking for me to be your friend. You’re asking for me to be more. You’re asking for me to—”
“To what? To be open to the possibility of caring enough to consider a real relationship? Is that really too much?”
He swallowed. “What if I’m not capable of that? What if I’m not built that way?” He looked into her eyes. “Isn’t it enough that I care about you?”
She zipped her jacket up all the way to the top. “I know you’re used to women falling all over themselves trying to please you, willing to give up their dignity, their time, and a good bra or two, but I’m not one of those women. Do me a favor, Derek. Don’t be my friend anymore.”
And with that she stalked away from him, leaving nothing but tracks in the mud, an empty pit in his belly, and the feeling that he’d just let the most important woman in the world to him slip away.
Chapter Sixteen
Lilly let herself into Derek’s house and slammed the door behind her. Derek had asked her to put her life on hold and follow him from track to track to continue their fake relationship. The job was a sham; she knew that. He just liked the no-strings sex and the lack of accountability their fake engagement provided, not to mention all the high-dollar sponsorship deals he was signing.
Grabbing a glass from the cupboard and filling it with water, Lilly reminded herself that she knew that was the deal going in. She’d agreed to it and even asked if they could extend the arrangement to help out her family. She’d been fine with it at the time, but now it felt empty. It hurt that Derek was still all about the arrangement, while she…well, it meant more to her now. He meant more to her. Deep down, she’d hoped Shana was right…that Derek had developed deeper feelings for her, too. If he had, he’d been given the perfect opportunity to ask her to stay—not because he wanted to sleep with her some more, but because he cared about her and wanted a real relationship.
Instead, he’d explained all the reasons that wasn’t going to happen. The old Lilly might have accepted whatever he was willing to give, while still retaining hope in her heart that the situation would change. Now, however, she knew she deserved more. More than Richard had given her and certainly more than Derek was offering. She was done settling.
She stopped wearing a track in the carpet and sank down on the sofa. If she was honest, she’d gotten what she wanted, too. She’d wanted the Derek fantasy she’d harbored since she was a teen. She’d wanted his attention, his time, and his body. She’d gotten all of those things in spades since this whole crazy train had left the station. She’d used him just as much as he’d used her.
The limited engagement was supposed to be a time-out from her real life and all the real worries she’d accumulated. It was supposed to give her time to clear her head and choose a new direction, not bog her down in more worries. Really, what did she expect? When it came to a passionate fling, they were the perfect match. But when it came to something more? Something long term? When it came to love? He didn’t have it in him. Derek wasn’t the relationship type. He’d told her that up front.
And besides, she wasn’t sure she was the type anymore, either. Starting a relationship with Richard was what had derailed her five-year plan to start with. A relationship with Derek would blow it, and her heart, into a million small pieces she’d never be able to put back together again. It had to end now.
Time and distance would ease the pain, but it wouldn’t erase the ache that she’d always have for him, body and soul.
It was time for her to get back to her real life. And the first step was accepting the Evergreen offer. It was a dream job. The only reason not to take it was Derek. Even if they were to agree that their arrangement had turned into more than a relationship of convenience, it would never work. She wasn’t about to give up everything to follow him around from track to track, and she could never ask him to give up the thing he loved most, either.
She quickly packed up the few things she had at Derek’s and called Shana to pick her up.
…
By the time Derek got back to the house, Lilly and all her things were gone. It was as if she’d never been there, like the whole thing had never even happened. He should be happy about that. A crisp, clean, unambiguous ending to a limited engagement. Neat and easy.
Except it wasn’t.
He knew he’d hurt her, and that was the very last thing he’d ever wanted to do. And it was exactly the reason he could not give her a real relationship, no matter how much he wanted to.
Wait. What?
Derek collapsed onto his couch in the darkened living room. Did he want something more with Lilly?
He’d miss her, for sure. He loved the way she teased him and wasn’t at all in awe of his celebrity or wealth. He was just Derek to her. The kid who used to tease her about those long gangly legs of hers when they were kids. He loved that even though she was brave and tougher than she knew, she’d kept a certain sweetness about her. She cared for people and would help them in any way they needed. Even pretending to be a fiancée.
Damn it. There had to be a way to talk to her. To negotiate more time to figure this out. He wasn’t ready to be a real boyfriend, but if he could just make her understand why, to give him some time to figure out a solution…she had to be in town somewhere. He’d find her, make her listen to reason, list all the reasons why she should stay a little longer. It would work. It had to.
…
Derek sat in his truck, parked in the circular drive of the mansion he’d grown up in. This was the last place he could think of that Lilly might have gone, but he still dreaded checking, admitting to his mother that his relationship with Lilly wasn’t as perfect as he’d made it out to be. Of course he’d have to tell them there wouldn’t be a wedding, but not tonight. Tonight he needed to fix things with Lilly.
/> Lilly hadn’t been at Shana’s. That was the first place he’d checked. Then he’d gone to her parents’ house. She wasn’t there, either. All he’d managed to do was upset her mother and get a pat on the back and an assurance from her father that getting cold feet before the wedding was normal.
He’d checked hotels and called a few mutual friends. No one had seen her, and Shana wasn’t picking up her phone. Lilly’s was off. His mother’s house was the last place she could be, if she was still in town.
There was no point in delaying. Derek strode up to the door and let himself in.
“Mama?” he called. The house seemed deserted, all the staff already having left for the day, apparently. It was too early for his mother to be in bed. He walked toward the back parlor, his mother’s favorite room, and opened the door.
At first his eyes didn’t register what he saw right in front of him. Then he wished he could unsee it. His parents, clothing askew, making out on the sofa.
“Oh God!” He slammed the door shut.
What the hell was going on? Were his parents hooking up now? They’d barely been on speaking terms until a few weeks ago when Derek and Lilly announced their engagement. And now?
“Just a minute,” his mother called from the other side of the door.
He heard shuffling and fierce whispering, and after a moment, his father opened the door. He still had his mother’s lipstick smeared across his cheek and on his neck, but he was otherwise clothed. Thank God. He had never seen his dad in any state less than immaculate. That was almost as disconcerting as seeing him kissing his mother.
“We weren’t expecting you,” he said.
“Obviously.”
His mother rushed to the door, still smoothing her hair. His father slipped an arm around her.
“Are you okay?” his mother asked.
“Fine,” he lied. “I was just looking for Lilly. I thought she might have come by here.” He struggled to make his voice sound normal, but he feared the panic he felt might be creeping in a little.
“You’d better sit down,” his mother said, eyeing him knowingly. “I’ll get us something to drink.”
His mother rushed toward the kitchen while he and his father sat down. Derek chose a chair across from the couch. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to sit on the couch again after what he’d just witnessed happening on those cushions.
“You two have a disagreement?” His father sat down on the couch and stretched his arm along the top, as if he still owned it.
“You could say that.” He could hardly meet the man’s eyes.
“Relationships are tricky.”
Something about that simple statement made his blood boil. “Really? You’re going to hand out relationship advice now? After all the shit you put Mom through? And us kids?”
He father’s slight smile faded away. “I’ve made mistakes.”
“Yeah.” His voice dripped with sarcasm. All the pain and frustration regarding the Lilly situation was bubbling to the surface.
“But that doesn’t mean I can’t change. You did.”
“I changed?”
His father nodded. “Since you’ve fallen in love with Lilly, I can see a change in you. This engagement is good for you. Made you think about someone besides yourself.”
He hated that tone. So knowing, so sure he was right. So sure Derek was wrong. Like he was some kind of goddamn relationship expert now, after being a total asshole to Derek’s mother for years.
“So I’ve been the selfish bastard all this time. Glad you clarified.” Derek stood up. “You don’t know anything,” Derek said, his voice deadly calm. “Lilly and I aren’t in love. We’re not getting married. We’re not even engaged.”
His father’s brow wrinkled. “You mean you broke up? I’m sure you can patch thing—”
“I mean, we were never engaged. It was a sham. A way to get Thomas to sign the sponsorship deal that would allow me to buy the team. A business arrangement.”
His mother’s gasp was the first indication Derek had that she’d returned. She set the tray on the table.
“Derek, what are you talking about?”
Shit. He had intended to tell his mom in a way that would let her down easy. But his temper had gotten the better of him.
He swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, Mama. I didn’t want you to find out this way.”
“But the way you two are together…the way she looks at you. And you at her—”
“All an act.” Well, at first, anyway. Now? That was what he was trying to figure out. What a mess he’d made of everything.
“There’s not going to be a wedding.” His mother sank down on the couch beside his father. His dad wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gathered her to him in a gesture that spoke of comfort and compassion. Something Derek had never noticed between the two of them before.
“Do the Harmons know?” asked his mother, her voice shaking.
“Not yet.”
She shook her head. “They’re going to be devastated, too.”
Derek felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t stand the fact that he’d hurt his mother like this. He wished he’d never set the whole thing in motion by proposing the fake engagement to start with.
“I guess you really are the selfish one,” his father said.
“Just a chip off the old block.”
“No.” His father’s voice was hard, and so was his glare, burning into Derek’s conscience. “I made a lot of mistakes with your mother, with you kids. I put business before the people I loved.” He glanced at Derek’s mother. “And still love. But I never lied. Never misled people who cared about me. Never systematically got their hopes up, knowing I was going to crush them later. I didn’t teach you that. It was all you, son.” His father’s voice was icy. “I think you should leave now.”
Derek was too angry, too upset to respond. His dad’s words had struck hard, just as they had been intended to. Without a word, Derek let himself out the front door and drove home to his empty house.
Chapter Seventeen
“You are the best friend ever,” Lilly said as Shana opened a bottle of her favorite wine. She pulled two wineglasses out of a packing box and wiped them out before letting Shana fill them.
“Well, you have to christen your new place, right? What better way to do it than wine, women, and song. Or just wine.”
“Wine is good,” she agreed. They both collapsed on her new couch, and she surveyed the mess that was her life, literally and figuratively. In the past few days, she had flown back to Chicago to pack up her apartment and had her clothing, books, and housewares shipped to her new apartment in Seattle, which she’d rented, sight unseen. She’d taken her old furniture to a consignment shop, wanting to start fresh, instead of being reminded of all the bad choices she’d made in the past and dragging it with her into her new life.
Thank heavens for Shana, who’d managed to find someone to cover emergency calls at her office and had been with her every step of the way. She didn’t know how she’d ever repay her. Shana had helped her move, but more importantly, had been a silent ally, not even once asking what had happened between her and Derek. Of course, given their very public argument, the whole town, including Shana, probably knew most of the details.
She hadn’t heard a word from Derek since the big fight. She assumed he’d gone back to his shop or his house in Italy, or was catching up on his frolicking with other women, now that their arrangement was clearly at an end.
She shifted lower on the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table. Shana followed suit and then let out a long sigh only another woman could understand.
“Men suck,” Shana said.
“Yep.” She took a big drink of her wine, then poured some more in her glass before filling Shana’s.
“So I take it your plan hasn’t worked? Still no dates?”
“No. I think I’m going to have to up my game a little. I’m out of practice.” Shana frowned into her glass.
“
I’m here for you, if you want to bounce ideas off somebody.”
“I know. Hard to drink wine from 2,600 miles away, though.”
“We’ll manage. Maybe we can drink and Skype.” She really was going to miss Shana. She was going to make more of an effort to keep in touch. If there was one thing she’d learned in this whole drama, it was that relationships with people you’d known forever were important.
“That’s just sad.” She sipped her wine. “But I’m not saying no.”
They sat for a few minutes just sipping wine and listening to the rain hitting the glass of Lilly’s sliding door.
“Does it ever stop raining?” Shana asked.
“I don’t know.”
“I think I like it here. Suits my mood. And my dreary love life.” She laid her head on the couch back and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Derek.”
“It’s not your fault. It was doomed from the start.”
“Hmm. Debatable. I really thought there was something there. Something real. But I’m still sorry. I’m making an apology on behalf of the family.”
“No one did anything wrong. Falling in love was never part of the deal between Derek and me. It wasn’t his fault I crossed that line. It’s mine.”
“He’s an idiot if he can’t see you’re the perfect person for him. The only woman who’s ever called him on his crap instead of worshipping him like some racing god. That’s what he needs.”
“Maybe. But I need more…more than he can give. Racing is his life. He lives for the adventure. There’s no room for anything else in his life, and planning beyond the next race isn’t in his DNA. I can’t live like that, and I’m not willing to settle.”
“I know he cares about you, even if that gearhead hasn’t figured it out yet.”
“Even if he did care about me as more than a friend, he wants to own the team, and he loves to race. I’d never ask him to give up what he loves.”
A Limited Engagement Page 18
