“I’ll make sure it gets taken care of. You ladies have a nice day,” he said, and then grabbed his dustpan and walked out of the room.
“Oh my god, Jenn!” Kenzie laughed, her eyes dancing mischievously. “How are you not salivating over these guys?”
Jenn just shrugged and sat on the hospital bed as the nurse came in to help her with the machines. “I don’t know,” she said meekly, “I’ve never really thought about it.”
“About what? Sex?”
“Shh!” Jenn grinned sheepishly at the nurse. “Sorry, don’t mind her. She’s just—“The nurse chuckled and continued about her business. Kenzie, who loved teasing her sister, was nice enough to wait to continue the conversation, but once the nurse left again, she started grilling Jenn once more. “So you’ve never wanted to hook up with anyone? Come on, spill!”
“I mean, I’ve thought about it. I’d just rather, y’know, wait.”
“Wait for what, marriage? You sound like Mom and Dad!”
“I just want to make sure it’s the right person. It’s a big deal!”
Kenzie snorted. “Psht, a big deal. Yeah right. It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal.”
“Like you’re some saint here! None of your relationships have lasted longer than a few months, tops!”
“Yeah, because I don’t want them to. I’m too young for a commitment. I just want to have fun, like Cyndi Lauper,” Kenzie said with a wink.
“Ugh, you’re gross,” Jenn said, and rolled away from her.
“No, hey, wait a second here, Jenn,” Kenzie said, and pulled her back. “You mean to say you’ve never done anything sexual? Aren’t you curious at all? Come on, it’s just us girls in here.”
“Stop, Kenzie, you’re being weird.” But Jenn was curious. She was 25 years old and had never been close to anyone. Her sister had always been her best friend. Jenn was lonely. Sometimes, although she would never admit it, Jenn had fantasized late at night what it would be like to sleep next to someone, to cuddle with him, to be intimate with him, to wake up beside him — to be in love. Sometimes she cried herself to sleep from the loneliness, but she was so afraid. What man would love me like this? I’m sick, shy, and scared.
Jenn swallowed. “I guess I am kind of nervous about that. No one ever talks about it, sex, I mean. What do I even do? How does it even happen? What if I’m terrible at it?”
“Okay, calm down, this must be the drugs talking. It’s different for everyone. You’ll just find someone you connect with really well, and then it’s just practice. Practice, practice, practice. Which is great fun.” Kenzie winked.
“Every time I’ve thought about it, it’s always on my wedding night and it’s both of our first times and that’s just kind of it.”
Kenzie rolled her eyes. “You’ve been watching too many romantic comedies.”
“Fine, then tell me what it’s really like. You’re the expert.”
Kenzie laughed and pulled her chair closer to the bed. “Gladly. It’s hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it, but — hmm. Well, it’s kind of like Christmas morning when you’re a little kid.”
Jenn looked intrigued. “That’s a weird analogy.”
“Just imagine it. The night before Christmas, you know the next day is coming and you feel uncontrollably excited about it. You can’t wait. Everything around you looks like Christmas and smells like Christmas and you just want to open the damn presents. Then the next morning comes and you see this huge package with your name on it. It’s the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen! When you open it, your happiness bursts because now that present is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. You can’t wait to play with it; you’re aching to touch it.” Kenzie had closed her eyes and was gesturing with her hands, getting more animated as she talked.
“And then you do. You get to take the package out and it’s all yours. It was the number one thing on your Christmas list and you feel the joy rising in your heart. You can’t think of anything else but you and that damn toy.
“That’s what sex is. You see someone you really want like that and you just ravish each other. You want each other so much that your bodies just melt together and you tear at each other’s clothes and skin until you both are aching with that desire.”
“So sex is like Christmas. Thanks for ruining yet another memory for me.” Jenn crossed her arms in a pretend pout.
“Hey,” Kenzie shrugged. “At least it’s accurate. Every man is different, like all those packages under the tree. You really don’t know what you’re going to get until you see what’s inside, but if you’re lucky, you get what you’ve always wanted. And,” she added as an afterthought, “if the guy is really good, sometimes your legs will keep shaking afterward and your whole body will be sore for a day. Now that’s really the best.”
“My body gets sore just from sitting here doing dialysis sometimes, so I’m not sure I want more of that,” Jenn said, laughing.
Kenzie looked confused. “What, this kind of dialysis? This is boring as hell— how does it make you sore?”
“I don’t know, it just sounds the same way I feel after treatments sometimes. Maybe my legs are in the same position or it’s the drugs making my muscles feel weird or something.”
“Umm, I think you’d be able to tell the difference. Whatever, how much is left of this, anyway?”
Jenn contorted her body to look at the reading on the machine. “Twenty-nine minutes.”
“I’m going to run to the vending machine really quickly. I can feel my stomach starting to eat itself, I’m so hungry.” Jenn laughed as she watched Kenzie walk away. She was glad to have some company during treatment. Her body was stiff again today, more than usual; her legs felt cramped up and her hips ached. Just as she closed her eyes to rest for a moment, there was a knock on the door. It was Dr. Blake paying Jenn a visit.
“Hello!” he said cheerily, strutting into the room briskly, so his open lab coat flowed behind him. He set down some papers and a water bottle on the table by Jenn’s bed. “I was just on my way to the next ward and thought I’d stop in and see how things were going. How do you feel after last week? Do you remember much about it? You were out of it for quite a while.”
Jenn shook her head. “No, I’m okay. I felt a little strange afterward, but I’m guessing that’s just because I was so numb.”
“Hmm, well, I’ll make a note of it,” Dr. Blake said, reaching for Jenn’s IV bag.
“Anyway, what I was saying before, Jenn” — Kenzie had come back in the door without warning, munching on a huge piece of chocolate — “is you really should get yourself some cock—“ Suddenly she saw Dr. Blake fingering some buttons on the dialysis machine next to Jenn’s bed. “Whoops! Hi, doc.”
Jenn’s face had turned bright red and she buried her chin in her hands. “I’m sorry about her,” she said. Kenzie just shrugged.
After that afternoon, Kenzie stayed for another week, catching up on the family drama and having a blast with Jenn, but eventually her time ran out, and she had to return to L.A.
Chapter Two
The next few weeks were uneventful for Jenn, except for one weekend in which Jenn attended a lupus awareness weekend. It was held at the local community center, sponsored by the organization Jenn worked for. She volunteered to coordinate educational workshops, free blood pressure tests and raffle tickets. She was elated to see a throng of more than 200 people turn up to the event. It was a long weekend, but Jenn finally had a chance the last day to walk through everything with her parents. She was happy to see so many people gathered in one place to learn about a disease with many misconceptions, but she was feeling sick too. Over the past several weeks, Jenn had felt significantly more fatigued than usual and had thrown up several times. She felt near-constant dizziness and her sense of smell was out of control — like now, when she was holding a greasy slice of pizza on a plate in her hand. The wafting smell of cheese hit Jenn’s nose and her stomach suddenly lurched. She stopped, put a hand on her
middle, and waited for everything to steady itself.
Once the swell of nausea passed, she joined her parents at a picnic table for a quick bite to eat. The grease didn’t sit well with her stomach at first, but she forced herself to eat something, since there were still a few more hours to get through. By the time the sun was setting, most of the crowd had gone home and the clean-up crew had started its rounds, and Jenn decided to stop at the bathroom before leaving.
The line was full of people who, like Jenn, had also waited until the very end to go to the bathroom, and, as luck would have it, one of the bathrooms was out of order, which meant that everyone had to wait for a single unisex bathroom.
“Someone needs to put a sign on the door of the other one saying it’s broken; I’ve seen probably a dozen people try that one,” said the man in front of Jenn.
“You’d think they would notice by now,” she replied, absentmindedly examining her dirty hands. The man turned halfway to his left to see who was talking. Then his eyes lit up and he smiled. “Oh, hey, it’s you!” he exclaimed. Jenn looked up to see the man from the hospital that had cleaned her room a few weeks back. He was unrecognizable without scrubs on, but Jenn could still see his muscles through his plain black t-shirt and faded blue jeans. Kenzie was right: he does have really nice arms! The way he smiled at Jenn sent a chill through her whole body. Can teeth really be that white? Are my teeth white enough? When did I last brush my teeth, anyway? The man extended his hand, breaking Jenn’s thoughts. “I’m Steve. I met you at the hospital that one time; remember? I didn’t get your name, I don’t think.”
“Oh, hi! I’m Jenn and I really have to pee.” They both laughed. “Hi, Jenn, it’s great to officially meet you — I say as the event ends, but maybe I’ll see you around at the hospital more. Do you always use that same room?”
“Most of the time, yes. It’s sort of home now, sadly, but that’s okay. What brings you here this weekend?”
“Oh, I go to these events a lot. The posters for them are plastered everywhere in the hospital, so I check them out from time to time.”
The line surged forward and suddenly it was Steve’s turn in the bathroom. “Shoot, looks like I have to go,” he said. “But, hey, are you busy tonight? Do you want to go get ice cream or something?”
Jenn looked hesitant. She knew her parents were waiting for her and she didn’t want to keep them waiting. There was no way she could convince them to allow her to come home a few hours later, especially when tomorrow was a treatment day. “I don’t know if I should...”
“Some other day, then?”
“On Friday, maybe? I have a session with Dr. Blake at noon but I’m free all evening. Maybe you could meet me there at, say, 5 o’clock? You know, if you want.” Jenn almost wasn’t sure it was her own voice she heard coming from her mouth.
Steve smiled. “Sounds good, I’ll see you then.”
The following week couldn’t go quickly enough for Jenn, whose heart fluttered every time she thought about Friday — from both excitement and nerves. However, she couldn’t shake whatever feelings of nausea she was having; her symptoms were off and on, she worried she was going to have to reschedule her date — was it a date? — with Steve It had already been a week since the lupus awareness event and Jenn figured she would probably have to get checked out if her nausea persisted; it could be the small beginning of a worse complication. That morning she had thrown up before heading for the hospital, and she felt hot and dizzy in the car on the way in. She made a note to ask Dr. Blake what was going on.
Still, Jenn walked into the hospital ten minutes before noon with a soaring heart; her grin stretched across her face and made several passers-by grin in response to her happiness; it was contagious.
On the way into her usual room, she heard someone call her name from down the hall. “Jenn! Hey!” It was Steve; Jenn grinned and waved. He hurried over to her. “We’re still hanging out later, right?”
“Hanging out? Yeah, that sounds nice.” Was it a date? Jenn didn’t want to assume anything.
“Awesome. I’ll come find you at 5 o’clock, then. Should be fun. Anyway, that’s not the only reason I came over here,” Steve said, gesturing to the bucket of rags he was carrying in his left hand. “Do you remember what day it was that your room didn’t get cleaned? It was a while ago, but I forgot to make a note of it.”
“It was probably a Friday because that’s when we always schedule longer procedures. Ask Dr. Blake; he’d know.”
Steve’s eyes shifted back and forth. “See, that’s the thing.” He grabbed Jenn’s elbow and led her into the hospital room where their voices wouldn’t carry so far. “Come in here for a second. It’s just—“ he paused. “I was looking through some of the schedules for procedures in this wing in the past few weeks, rooms were being used, you know. On paper, Dr. Blake has only been here twice in eight weeks.” He pulled out a folded piece of paper from his pocket. “Look, he’s not even scheduled to be here today.”
Jenn frowned. “What? He’s done my dialysis and other procedures every week for months.”
“I don’t know, but it’s never recorded.”
Out of nowhere, a third voice crept up behind them in the doorway. “Hi Jenn, Steve, nice to see you both. I didn’t realize you two knew each other.” Dr. Blake’s eyes shifted back and forth between them as he grinned his white, toothy smile at the pair, running a hand up and down the sleeve of his lab coat. “Are you ready for your checkup today?”
“Checkup? Huh?” Jenn looked at Steve almost unconsciously.
“Your mom called me. She said you’d been having some nausea and dizziness. That could be a bad sign in someone like you.”
“Yeah, I was going to ask you about that.”
“You should have mentioned it right away.” Now he was just scolding Jenn. “We’d better get started. Steve, nice to see you. Tell your father hello from me. ”
“Will do,” Steve said, looking surprised at the sudden intrusion. “Jenn, see you in a little bit.” He backed out of the room, eyeing the two of them.
When Dr. Blake turned toward Jenn, his usual smile had vanished, replaced by a stern gaze from his vibrant green eyes. “Jenn,” he said, “you should have called right away once you had nausea. It can turn into a fever or worse. I’ll have to take a look. Good thing you’re my last patient today,” he said, striding over to the windows and closing the curtains to the hallway. Then he turned to his left and reached to lock the door, something Jenn had never seen him do before. She sat down on the side of the bed.
“Dr. Blake?” she said quietly.
“Hmm?” he responded, resting his pen cap against his lip as he examined her chart.
Jenn had a few questions floating around in her head now, but she was afraid to bring them up — she didn’t even really know what to ask. “Um.” She looked down at her hands. “Never mind.”
“I’m probably going to have to take a look at your stomach and lungs today just to check and see what’s going on, okay? What else have you been feeling?”
“The nausea, mostly. And the dizziness. Sometimes I get really hot and then really cold and I feel like I’m going to pass out.”
“How long have you felt like this?” Dr. Blake still had his face buried in the clipboard; all Jenn could see was his eyes, which were furiously reading notes on the page.
“A month, maybe? The nausea is worse now, but not as frequent.”
“Hmm.” The two sat silently in the room together for a few minutes. Jenn examined her fingernails nervously; Dr. Blake tapped his pen rhythmically on the clipboard. “I think — yes, I think we’ll give you propofol again today for this one. Sometimes stomach problems are, um, well, they’re a big concern with lupus, so I need to make sure nothing’s wrong.” Within minutes of hooking up the IV, Jenn started to feel woozy and her head began to spin. She felt the doctor touching her legs lightly and a slight pinch below her navel, and then everything went black.
She is running through the
jungle again, but this time, instead of herself, it’s a child being chased by a single snake, a giant anaconda with yellow pointy eyes. The little girl trips over a vine and screams, and when she turned around, Jenn sees it is herself as a little girl, no more than three years old. The child picks herself up and keeps running, her chubby legs churning over as quickly as they can. Present-day Jenn stands on the side, watching the dream take place; when she sees the snake advancing, she too screams and tries to catch up to it and save her younger self. It’s no use. The snake reaches her and swallows her whole. The dream fades to black.
The clock read 3:22 p.m. when Jenn awoke to a faint throb of discomfort in her stomach. She rolled over and groaned, but the doctor’s hand stopped her. “Shh. Don’t move. You’re sore.”
“Wha—?”
“Shhhh.”
Jenn kept her eyes shut tightly. Her thoughts were whirlwinds in her head; she remembered a pinch and a pull, and then there were visions of snakes before all the colors in her brain spiraled down into blackness. She felt as though she’d been asleep only for a second. As she now slowly figured out her surroundings, she saw Dr. Blake standing over her, a shadow in an even more shadowy room, green eyes staring down at her. She wanted to move, to reach for him, to open her mouth, but the weight of her own body wouldn’t let her.
Dr. Blake was saying something to her, but she could barely hear him. She felt sick and woozy and the doctor’s words echoed in her brain. Then he cleared his throat, straightened his tie, and turned on his heel to leave, leaving Jenn alone in the dark room.
After several minutes of silence, Jenn began moving her fingers and toes, her knees and her elbows. The numbness in her lower half slowly began to dissipate, leaving only soreness in her groin and thighs. She lay back on her hospital bed and breathed heavily for a long time. In the other rooms and in the hallway, patients and hospital staff were walking back and forth, chatting, laughing, talking about their weekend plans — but here, behind these walls, Jenn lay in silence. A short time later, there was a knock at the door, and Steve entered slowly. “Jenn?”
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