“What is going on, Nat?” I demand as we both sit on the cement steps. “Talk to me. What happened to Ben?” Now ?? preparing myself for the worst. He has brain cancer or he's in a coma or—
“He broke up with me!” she exclaims like that's the end of life as we know it. And maybe it is for her, but ?? not so sure I think its worthy of all this drama myself. Even so, I manage to conceal my disappointment in her theatrics and ask her what happened.
She takes in a deep breath, I'm sure to steady herself, and begins. “I kind of knew it was coming… I could tell something wasn't, well, right, you know.
“I kind of sensed that on Saturday,” I say, hoping to encourage her to spill her story as quickly as possible.
“Well, you know, we were at youth group, ‘cause we saw you and Matthew there. And even though Ben was acting kind of different, everything seemed pretty much okay when he took me home. I thought we were just fine…”
“And?” I probe.
Now Nat is choking up again, and I have to wait for her to get it together. Still, I resist the urge to check my watch. I may have to just give up on AP history for today.
“So…he never called me yesterday, and well, I thought that was kind of weird because we usually talk almost every day And you know how he's been picking me up for school.
“Yeah, I see his car almost every morning. In fact, I thought I saw it there today”
“Well, he picked me up, but on the way to school, he told me that he knew God was telling him to break up with me. Just like that!” Now she bursts into tears again, and I put my arms around her and hug her for what seems like several minutes.
“I'm sorry, Nat. That's gotta hurt.”
She sniffs and wipes her nose on the crumpled piece of paper towel that she brought from the bathroom. “It does.”
Now I'm not sure what to say. I mean, I've never been in the position of having my heart broken, but I have a feeling that I'd feel pretty bad if Matthew broke up with me. Maybe I wouldn't be as devastated as Nat, but then she really went after Ben, and she's been through some losses with her dad leaving and stuff, so I probably don't know what it feels like to be in her shoes.
“The thing I don't get is—like how does Ben know that God's telling him to break up with me but I don't hear God saying a single word about that to me?”
“I don't know…” And I really don't. The truth is, I'm never sure what to think when I hear people saying, ‘God told me’ about something. That never really happens to me. I mean, I get a sense of things sometimes and I think it's from God, but I would never say, ‘God told me.’ That just seems too presumptuous.
“I thought Ben was the one, Kim.” She starts crying again. “I seriously did. I mean, he's so stable and steady. And I really like his family. And it seemed as if they liked me. I just really thought that he and I would be together always. And when I was at their house and saw all the wedding stuff going on for Caitlin, I imagined that it was going to be like that for Ben and me someday.
“Seriously?” I study Nat and try not to appear too shocked. “You really thought you and Ben would get married?” Now this actually reminds me of some of the pathetic letters I've received for my column, and I always wonder what planet are these girls from? Who gets married in high school? That is just so weird.
“I know you think it's stupid.”
“No, that's not it. I guess I just don't get it.”
“That's because you're so grounded, Kim. It's like you were bom all grown up. Maybe it has to do with being adopted from Korea.”
I have to laugh at that. “Maybe…but I doubt it.”
“So I guess you were right, huh?”
“About what?”
“Don't you want to say, ? told you so’?”
“About what?”
“You told me to be careful that day. Remember when you were working in the yard and we kind of got into a snit? You told me to take my own advice and be careful.”
“Oh, yeah. So you wouldn't get hurt.”
“Well, now I'm hurt.”
“But you'll get over it, Nat. I know it seems like the end of the world now. But it's because it just happened. The wound is all fresh and sore. But you'll feel better—”
“I'll never feel better.”
Okay, now I remember the Scripture about crying with those who cry and laughing with those who laugh, and I'm not doing such a great job right now. So I nod and say, “It must feel totally lousy, Nat. I can't even imagine how I'd feel if Matthew broke up with me. But I know I would be really sad, and I would be crying too.”
She looks up at me with surprise. “You would?”
“Of course! I really like Matthew, and we've been together for almost six months. It would really hurt if he dumped me.”
“So you are human.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah. I guess I just hide it sometimes. Maybe it's my Asian genes or something.”
She nods and wipes her nose again. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Really, Nat, I'm sorry that Ben hurt you like this. Do you want me to go beat him up?”
She almost smiles now. This used to be an old joke when someone would pick on one of us (mostly me for being different), and Nat would say, Do you want me to go beat her up?’ Then she gets a thoughtful look on her face. “No, I don't want you to go beat him up, Kim, but maybe you could talk to him.”
“Talk to him?” Now I'm not too sure about this.
“Maybe you could just ask him why.”
“Why?” I say weakly.
“Why he broke up with me.”
“Oh.”
Now she frowns. “Oh, forget it. I shouldn't have asked you—”
“No, that's okay,” I say quickly, worried that she might start crying again. “I can do that. I mean, if you reafly want me to… ”
I'm actually thinking it's a little pathetic to send your friend to your ex to ask why he broke up with you. And what if he tells me something really embarrassing about her, like “she has really bad breath,” or “she's boring,” or “I hate the way she laughs”—what then? Do I come back and tell Nat the truth and make her feel even worse?
“You will?”
I nod. “Sure, if that's what you want.”
“I do!”
“But that probably won't change anything, Nat.” I want to warn her that it might even make it worse, but she seems so hopeful that I hate to be a wet blanket.
“I know. But maybe you can let him know how badly he's hurt me. I want him to know that I'm reafly hurting, Kim. I want him to feel guilty—for what he's done to me.”
Okay, I'm not too sure about this. I mean, all he did was break up. Should he feel guilty about that? Maybe that's what Caitlin (Ben's sister) was trying to get across to us at snow camp—that one of the perils of dating is getting hurt when it's time to break up. She should try talking to her own brother!
“I'll do my best,” I assure Nat. “But I'm not sure when I'll see him.”
“One more thing?”
“What?”
“Would you mind running me home? I really don't think I can be at school today. I'll just be crying all day, and it's so humiliating.”
“Sure,” I tell her. And I drive her home and get back to school in time to make it to my second class. I keep an eye out for Ben, but I suspect he's lying low, probably worried that Nat will hunt him down and demand an explanation. Finally, I see him in the parking lot at the end of the day
“Hey, Ben!” I walk over to him.
“Hey,” he says in a flat-sounding voice. “What's up?”
“That's what I'm supposed to ask you.” I go and stand next to his car.
“Oh…”
“Sorry to be so intrusive, but Nat's really hurting, and she wanted me to ask you why you broke up. And if you're not comfortable telling me, that's okay. I can just tell her I tried.”
He seems to consider this. “It was just all wrong. I mean, I really liked Nat in the beginning, and we had fun together. But I
probably shouldn't have started going out with her so soon after Torrey and I broke up, you know what I mean?”
“Rebound romance?”
He nods. “Yeah, kind of like that.”
“But you went with Nat for almost two months, Ben. Why didn't you break it off sooner?”
“I don't know…” He looks away now, and I can tell he's uncomfortable, and suddenly I remember the disturbing thing that Torrey told me on my birthday when Matthew took me snowboarding. But how do you mention something like this to a guy? Even so, I'm feeling seriously irritated right now. I'm thinking, what if Ben put pressure on Nat, and when she refused, he decided she wasn't fun anymore? Now he's probably just looking for some other girl—one who will put out. It makes me sick!
“I'd been meaning to break up with her for weeks now,” he finally says. “I guess I just didn't want to hurt her, you know?”
“So let me get this straight,” I say in a firm but controlled voice. “The reason you broke up with Nat was because it was a rebound romance that never should've happened?”
“Pretty much.”
“And that's it?” I stare at him now, pretending that I can see right through this little charade, hoping he'll just fess up and get it over with.
“Yeah, mostly.”
“Mostly?” I wait.
“Okay, I knew God was telling me it was wrong, Kim. That was the final straw. I knew I'd be disobeying God if I kept going with her. Do you get that?”
“And that's all?” I am really staring at him now, hoping that I'm making him really uncomfortable, because I just know there is more to this story. I just know that Mr. Perfect Benjamin O ‘Conner broke up with Natalie because she wouldn't “put out.” And it's making me really, really angry!
“That's pretty much it, Kim.”
“Fine,” I snap at him. “If you say so, Ben. G? be sure to tefl Nat.”
“And tell her I'm sorry,” he says as I start to leave.
“For what?” I turn and look at him with, I imagine, plumes of fire shooting out my nostrils since I'm so enraged that I think I could actually rip his head off.
“For hurting her,” he says with his eyes looking down. “I really wish I'd broken it off a lot sooner. That's where I blew it.”
“Yeah, you did blow it,” I agree as I turn away. “You can say that again.”
Okay, I have to admit that it makes me feel lousy to lose my cool like that. It's so unlike me and actually quite uncomfortable. But it just really irks me to know that Ben was playing fast and loose with my best friend. Sure, maybe we weren't exactly acting like best friends at the time. But Nat and I go back—way back. And no one should get away with hurting her like that! I am so angry at Ben I could throw something—like him!
I'm still seething as I explain what happened to Matthew, and while he attempts to be comforting, he doesn't really seem to get it. Then I go straight home and to my room. I know I should call Natalie and get this messy Ben business over with, but I'm still too angry to really talk about it, and I don't want to make her feel worse.
Then when I do call, her line is busy, and I imagine it's Ben calling to say he's sorry, and I'm imagining that they're having a nice long talk, and he's apologizing and trying to patch things up. Yeah, right.
Anyway, giving myself a little cool off time, I decide to answer a Just Jamie letter. And I pick one that could've been written by Ben. Maybe it was!
Dear Jamie,
I'VE been going with this girl for a while now, and I think I've shown her that I really care about her and that she can trust me and stuff. But she still doesn't want to have sex. Now I realize this is her choice, and ?? not going to force anything on her, but ?? thinking I should break up and find someone who understands me and my needs better. The problem is, I don't want to hurt her. Can you tell me the best way for a guy to break up?
Moving On
Oh, man, did this guy pick a good day to ask me this!
Dear Moving On,
You great big jerk! Any guy who dates a girl just to have sex should be whipped and beaten and hung out to dry! You are a totally insensitive moron, and I hope this poor girl figures it out and break up with you first!
Just Jamie!
Okay, I'll have to delete that response and try again later—sometime when I'm calmer and more rational. But I will answer the jerk's letter. You can count on that!
Sixteen
Monday, April 10
(A long day continues…)
It's after four when I try Nat's phone again, and this time she picks up. “How you doing?” I ask in what I hope is a more sympathetic tone than what I used with her earlier today.
“I've been better.”
“I know…”
“Did you talk to him?”
“Yeah…”
“Want to come over here and tell me about it?” she says a little too eagerly, like she thinks it might be good news. “I'm babysitting.”
So I go over, and Nat and I go to her room since Krissy and Micah look fairly occupied with cartoons, at least for the time being. And I tell her pretty much how the conversation with Ben went. And I even manage NOT to editorialize it. Just give her the facts, I tell myself, and get it over with. Short and sweet.
“He was really sorry?” she says with what sounds like too much hope.
“Yeah, but mostly for the rebound romance part. He says he should've broken up with you when he figured that out.”
“Oh…” Now she looks more hurt than ever.
“If it makes you feel any better, I really wanted to smack him.”
“You did?” She looks surprised.
“Yeah. I think he was a jerk.” I instantly regret that last comment. Too much said.
“Why do you think he was a jerk?”
I consider this. “Well, you know, for not breaking it off sooner, Nat. He should've known you were more into him than he was into you, and that you'd get hurt eventually.”
“Oh… yeah.”
“I'm sorry.”
“Did he say anything else?” She looks slightly worried now. And I wonder if she suspects that he told me about pressuring her for sex, the same way he pressured Torrey. Like what guy would admit something like that to a girl? Well, other than the jerk who wrote Jamie, but that was anonymous.
“Not really,” I tell her, and she looks relieved.
Then we hear Krissy and Micah getting into a squabble, and I tell Nat that I should go check on Mom.“She was taking a nap when I got home,” I say as we go downstairs, “but she's probably up by now.”
“Thanks,” Nat says in a sad voice.
“Hope you start feeling better soon.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Mom is up and puttering around in the kitchen when I get home. I fill her in a little on Natalie's broken heart. “Poor Natalie,” she says as she pours herself a cup of green tea. “She's been through a lot.”
“I know.”
She sits down with her tea. “I'm so glad you girls are friends again.”
“Me too.”
“She'll probably need you more than ever right now.”
“I guess.”
It's about seven o'clock when Natalie calls me, and to my dismay, she sounds just as upset and hurt as before. Maybe even more so. “I really need to talk.”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Can I come over?”
“Of course.”
Soon we are both sitting on my bed, and I can tell that Natalie has something important to tell me. I'm certain it's about Ben, and I think I know what it is.
“I know I can totally trust you with this, Kim.” Her eyes are still red and swollen from crying. “And I have to talk to someone.
“Sure, Nat.” I suspect she's about to divulge the truth about Ben and how he's not really who he seems to be. And I am fully prepared to tell her what Torrey confessed to me in the bathroom that day And hopefully we can both thoroughly bash Ben and get this thing over with.
“It's about m
e and Ben,” she begins, her eyes downcast, as if she's studying the hand-stitched blocks on my quilt. “You see, after we'd gone out for about a month or so, well, I could tell things were starting to cool down between us. But by then I really, really liked him, and I didn't want to lose him. I guess I was kind of desperate, you know?”
“I know.” I try to imagine that I know.
“Well, I'd heard this rumor…that Ben had broken up with Torrey because she wouldn't have sex with him, you know?”
I nod. “Actually I heard the same rumor.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, from Torrey”
Nat's eyes get angry now. “That liar!”
“Liar?”
“Yeah. The rumor wasn't true.”
“Huh?” Now I'm feeling really confused. “What do you mean?”
“I mean it wasn't true. But I thought it was.”
“Okay, let's get this clear, Nat. You just said you'd heard the very same rumor about Ben and Torrey, right?”
“Yeah, but it wasn't true. Torrey had started that rumor herself.”
“Why?”
“She and Ben had had a big fight about something else, and she'd gotten so mad at him that she broke up. Apparently she was sorry afterward, and when he and I got together, she started that rumor—hoping that I would hear it and it would make me break up with Ben. Do you get it?”
I'm not so sure, but I nod as if I do. “Okay, so you heard that rumor about Ben, and you honestly believed it, but you kept going out with him?”
“I really, really liked him, Kim. I think I was in love with him. I think I still am.”
“Oh…” This is making my head hurt. But I know I need to listen and be here for Natalie. “So?”
“So when things started cooling down between us…well, I was worried that I was losing him. And I'd just watched this movie—a pretty steamy movie, if you know what I mean. And I thought, maybe there's only one way to keep this guy—and if I do it, then maybe he'll be mine forever, we'll get married, and everything will be okay”
My brows go up. “You didn't?”
She nods then looks away “I did.”
“You had sex with him?” I say, trying to conceal my shock that Natalie (the one who's always preaching at me…) that she would actually do this—have sex.
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