by Reid, Angela
He set a box of Kleenex down next to me. “We need ice,” he said. “The machine is right outside, so I won’t be far. Stay in the bed.” I watched him put the pistol in his holster then head out the door. He returned so fast, it was like he never left. Cade added water to the ice in the bucket, and then he sat on the edge of the bed, dipping the wash cloth and putting in on my forehead. I fell asleep.
When I woke, there was light coming in through the crack in the curtain, and I was soaking wet with sweat. I pushed up to a sitting position, trying to get my bearings. It took me a minute, but I finally remembered where I was and why. Matt, was all I could think, and the tears were hot on my cool face. I tried to cry without sound, but the nasal mucus was choking me. The sobbing made it worse.
Cade was on the floor sitting with his back against the bed, his head tipped resting on the edge of the mattress, sleeping. I rolled to the opposite side of the bed, not wanting to disturb him. Guilt ate my guts as I lamented. Matt had always deserved better than me, and now he was dead—because of me. He was the first person I had allowed inside my empty heart after Cade Cantrell had carved it out so thoroughly. He was gone forever, and it was my fault for letting him stay with me at the motel. I should’ve forced him to leave, but I was selfish and weak. I’d never forgive myself.
So caught up in my self-loathing and grieving, I didn’t even feel Cade take a seat on the edge of the bed, my own sobs rocking it enough to mask the sensation. He touched my arm, and I jumped, startled by his touch. I sat up, and he handed me a wad of tissues. I wiped the snot and tears from my face.
“Why did they kill him? He had nothing to do with any of it. Matt was a good man, the best, and he didn’t need to die. It’s my fault. I should be dead, not him, not my Matt.” I put my head in my hands and resumed the weeping.
Cade took his hand off of my arm but spoke in a soothing tone. “It’s not your fault, Ellia. None of this mess is your fault. You don’t deserve this and neither did he. I am sorry about your friend. I truly mean that.”
“He was more than my friend!” I nearly screamed. “That man loved me! He loved me like you never did!” Cade made no reply, and I turned away from him, burying my face in the pillow to muffle my raucous moans. I fell asleep again.
The next time I woke, Cade was in a chair looking at the floor, lost inside his own head. I studied him for the first time, without the threat of immediate danger hanging around me. He had an edgy hardness about him that had never been there when he was young. Something had gone missing from those beautiful eyes--empathy, compassion, love? I could not be sure. A stone reproduction of him would’ve radiated more warmth.
“What happened to you, Cade? Why are you here? Why did you make me believe you were dead?” I choked up again, as the memory of holding his bullet riddled body overtook me again.
He lifted his eyes to meet mine and took a deep breath as if getting ready for a monumental dive. “It was the only way to keep you safe. Don’t think for a second I didn’t agonize over that choice and don’t ever think you were the only one that suffered for it.” He stood up and cleared his throat as he paced the room. “I came into information that put me and everyone I knew, including you, in grave danger, and I wouldn’t risk your life, Ellia. Every day since, I have been trying to right the wrongs done to my family and me. I had two choices to achieve that goal, join my father’s motorcycle club and exact revenge on those that deserved it or join law enforcement and do things the correct and legal way. I chose the lawful path. Leaving you, my music, and my whole identity behind, seemed the safest way to accomplish this task. Since joining the FBI, I’ve been mostly undercover, and it’s all geared toward taking down your dad. He is the root of every fucking thing that has gone wrong in my life, and I plan to make him pay for it.”
I started to speak, but he put his hand up to stop me. “Just let me explain, and then you can ask all the questions you want.” He ran his hands through his hair and sat down in the chair again. “I insinuated myself deeper into your dad’s crime organization to ensure I got assigned to your abduction. The purpose was to protect you. It was no easy task convincing my boss to allow me to pursue that avenue. Knowing our history, he wanted me as far from you as possible. He was doubtful I could handle it and might end up risking the entire operation. To be honest, I didn’t think it would be so hard to see you again. I was foolish enough to believe …” His hands formed fists, and he crossed his arms, looking tortured as a scowl sat on his face. “It tore me up inside to watch that fucking bastard hurt you, and even worse, when I had to lay a hand on you myself. Trust me, I’ve done despicable things in my life, Ellia, but that was the worst. I couldn’t do it anymore. Director James was right--I could not follow through with my objective. My cover is shot to hell, and I may have jeopardized several years of effort.” He seemed angry at me for screwing up his life’s work.
“I wish I could say I was sorry for fucking up your job, Cade, but that was your decision. Maybe you should’ve stayed out of it like your boss said. I don’t need you, and I haven’t for a long time now.” It was a complete untruth, but my anger resurfaced to block out everything else. How dare he fault me for this!
He looked at me and understanding dawned on him. “I am not blaming you--that’s not what I meant. I am frustrated because I was so damn close to getting closure, but I don’t want it at your expense.” He exhaled again. “I’m sorry.”
I didn’t know how to respond. Is he sorry for hurting me emotionally, or physically, or both? I couldn’t process his words. They were fragile things that didn’t seem to have any meaning. I still didn’t understand how he could walk away and leave me. There had to have been another way, yet he chose to just … go.
I still had many questions, but they felt like bees buzzing inside my head, the swarm too large to know what to pull out first. What the hell did my dad do to him on a personal level? What is my dad’s involvement in a crime organization? I didn’t have the energy to ask anything. The image of Matt’s brain matter smeared on the wall, and my culpability in that act, blocked my curiosity for the moment. The bawling came upon be again—I had no control over myself. Cade went into the bathroom and left me to cry without audience. The old version of him would have comforted me, wanting to resolve my tears, not hide from them. I was more alone than I had ever been.
“Where is my mom and brother?” I asked, when he returned to the room.
“I don’t know, and that is the truth. I tried to get information from Dacks, but he told me to stick to my own project. It takes a significant amount of time to be trusted within a criminal operation, and I hadn’t been with them long enough to be privy to any other details. The FBI can’t locate them, either.”
The tears came hard again. “Do you think they are dead?”
He exhaled and rubbed his chin while leaning on the wall. “I hope not. That’s the best answer I can give you. Gordon and I had orders not to kill you, at least not right away, so I can only assume if Dacks has your mom and brother, it’s under the same directive.”
The thought of them suffering, not having any of Cade’s protection, made me sick. My stay at that cabin would have been a million times worse if he hadn’t been there. “This is all so wrong—so unfair. I have a threadbare relationship with my father, and I can only assume it’s the same for my brother. My mother hates him. I don’t understand why these people would target us. We obviously mean nothing to my dad, so all of this seems cruel and pointless.”
“They are desperate men and will stop at nothing to get what they want. The fact remains, your father does keep in contact with all of you, albeit not much. Dacks is hoping to round up enough clues to find him; that’s all he wants from any of you. Why don’t you have a relationship with your mom or Sam?”
I could tell him the truth, but I didn’t bother. He didn’t need to know I had cut ties, for the most part, with everything from the past, including my family. Reminders of him around me were like termites eating away the wall
around my heart. My mom and brother were there, back then, through all of it, and seeing them was still difficult. I doubted this new Cade would understand or have an ounce of empathy. He’d just see it as weak and pathetic, so I stayed quiet. He sat down at the small table and didn’t push me for a response.
I was as emotionally sick as physically ill, and the need to retch took hold again. I jolted for the bathroom, stubbing my toe on the door frame and crying out as I hobbled to the toilet. Hot bile burned my throat as I dry heaved over the porcelain. I’d had nothing in my stomach since the coffee and eggs at the cabin. It seemed a lifetime ago. The fever was back with a vengeance, and it kept climbing as my body aches heightened.
“Ellia,” Cade said, lifting me off the floor. “We need to get you to the doctor.”
“There’s nothing they can do.” I wanted to fall into the arms of sleep—or death. “It’s the flu. I have to ride it out, but, right now I’d rather just die.”
He helped me to my feet and back to the bed. I opened my eyes when the medicine cup touched my lips, followed by water. The icy cloth was back on my forehead as my thoughts spun around in a jumbled haze. As I was dozing off, his phone beeped. I tried hard to listen to what he was saying, but slumber stole me away from reality.
When I woke next, the only light was near the door. It was nighttime, but that didn’t seem possible. Did I sleep the whole day away? When I sat up, there was another man in the room, and I didn’t see Cade. I was confused as I muffled the scream in my blankets--the man was asleep in his chair. My darting eyes scanned the area like a frightened animal as I slid to the edge of the bed and contemplated my escape route. Cade came out of the bathroom and saw my expression of terror.
“It’s okay,” he said, sitting on the bed next to me. “He’s with me. That’s Special Agent Roberts. We are transporting you to a safe house at daybreak, and you will be in Agent Roberts custody until further notice. How do you feel?” He touched his hand on my forehead to check for fever. “Seems normal at the moment. You’ve been asleep a long time.”
“I’m a little better, but I’m still tired.” As if I were a helpless child, he put me back under the covers, tucking them around me.
“Go back to sleep. You will be safe, I promise.” He got off the bed and sat in the chair near Roberts. My head was full of questions again. I stared at him, not able to comprehend all that had happened, and he looked at me too. For a single fleeting moment, that special connection we’d always had, flared between us. He tore his gaze away first, though, reminding me what we had remained nothing more than a memory. Neither of us would ever be the same. I turned away to hide my tears from him.
***
Sam was in the audience the night of the talent show, and he witnessed the big kiss at the end of Cade’s performance. He went straight to our mother and blabbed about my new boyfriend, news she would not appreciate. My mom had never remarried, and she worked a lot of hours as a real estate agent to support us. She loved her work, though, so she wasn’t bitter about her job. Her boyfriend, Randy, also took up a considerable amount of her time. She was rarely ever home, but when she was, she liked to prove she was still in charge.
My mom and I weren’t enemies, but we were far from friends. I didn’t bother to tell her I’d broken up with Will or acquired a new boyfriend. I got home late that night, almost two hours after my curfew, not considering that my mother might be home to check. After the talent show, Cade and I took my truck to the lake to spend time together. We’d talked for a long time and then made out for a while. When things got a little too heated, we both stopped and went back to talking. I nearly fell over when he admitted he was a virgin too.
“How can that even be possible?” I asked, not sure if he was teasing me.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Seriously, Cade, don’t tease me. There is not a chance a guy who is as totally hot as you would not have gone all the way yet.”
He laughed at me. “I could say the same about you.”
“Whatever,” I said. “I am not hot, and nobody but Will ever asked me out.”
“That’s only because you were with Will. Other guys talk about you all the time. They definitely find you hot, although a little intimidating. Intelligent girls scare us.” He smiled at me. “I am not bullshitting you. Yes, I’ve dated other girls, but I wasn’t into the slutty ones. I’ve always been attracted to girls like you. My appearance never really worked in my favor, despite what you think.” He chuckled. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I tried. Regardless of what Jimmy and his pals say, I’m not gay, but smart girls generally don’t give it up too easy. I’m not the kind of guy who would use a girl for that, anyway, so it was fine by me. When it’s the right time, it will happen.”
“I just let you go farther than I ever let Will. Do you think I am slutty?” It was a concern. Letting him touch me under my bra and inside my jeans might change his opinion of me. I sat up straighter and buttoned my sweater.
He laughed at me again. “Are you kidding me right now? You and I have a crazy chemistry—I know you feel it too.” I nodded my head in agreement. I’d never been so attracted to anyone before him. Cade went on talking. “The second I handed you that book in Munson’s class, there was a connection with us that is …” he paused and looked away, as if embarrassed. “It sounds so cheesy to voice it out loud, but it’s potent. I can’t say its love, because I’m only seventeen, but you are always on my mind. I want to be with you every second, and I’ve never felt this way about any other girl. There aren’t words to even explain it. In fact, it freaks me out how much I need you.”
He didn’t have to say the words, I totally understood. “We are in exactly the same boat.” I kissed him and ignited another make out session. “Can I ask you a question?” I asked while he worked on my neck. He murmured his assent. “How far you have gone with a girl?”
He raised his head and looked me in the eye. “It doesn’t matter, does it? When, or if, we ever go all the way, it will be my first time too.”
“I’m not saying it matters, I am just curious is all. You seem to know exactly what you doing, and all of this making out stuff is new to me. I’ve told you everything about my experience with Will. Why won’t you share with me?”
He sighed and sat up, adjusting his denim to relive the pressure. “It’s personal. If you and I ever broke up, I wouldn’t tell anyone what we did. I’m just not that kind of guy. It seems disrespectful or something.” He sounded irritated, and it hurt my feelings a little. I wasn’t asking for names, and if I did, it wasn’t like I would recognize any of them. I remained quiet and gazed out over the lake, thinking maybe I shouldn’t have told him so much about myself.
He pulled me into his arms. “Fine, I will tell you. I’ve …” He stopped a moment and rubbed his jaw, as if deciding how to word his revelation. “I’ve gone down on girls, as well as had girls go down on me. That’s it. Happy now?”
“Did you like it?” I asked, curious and intrigued.
He laughed again. “I’m not sure which you are referring to, but, yes, I liked it … both things. God, Ellia, can we NOT talk about this anymore?” He squirmed in his seat, seeming uncomfortable.
“Do you want me to do that to you? Do you want to do that to me?” I didn’t know why I was even asking; the idea terrified me.
“Only if it’s something you choose. I don’t expect you to do anything to me or let me do anything to you. Your ex believes I am just out to score with you, Ellia, but it’s not true.” He looked me in the eye and put his hand on the side of my face. “I want to be with you, but it doesn’t have to be like that. We don’t have to do sexual stuff if you’re not ready.”
I kissed him again. “I’m not ready, not yet. Thank you for understanding.”
My mom was waiting in the living room when I got home, glass of wine in hand, and looking angrier than I’d seen her since Sam got suspended for fighting the year prior. She wore her hair, the same color as mine, pulled back in a s
evere bun which made her look more imposing. “Get in here right now, Ellia,” she said, before I could even get out of my coat. This was first my violation--I had never blown off curfew, even though she wasn’t usually around to check. Just my luck. By the tone of her voice, I was in trouble.
“Sorry I’m late, mom—time got away from me. I already got all my homework done, though, and it’s only Saturday.” I hoped to diffuse the fight that was coming.
“Why did I have to learn about your break up with Will from your brother, and why didn’t you tell me about this new boy? Sam told me all about this kid, and, I must say, I am not happy. I cannot understand why you would dump a boy that has goals and is on his way to college for some thug, full of tattoos and piercings. He wants to play music for a living, for god sakes. I thought you were smarter than that, Ellia.” My mother bounced her crossed leg furiously to an unheard beat.
“Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but you are so busy it’s hard to find time to talk to you. Frankly, I didn’t think you’d care all that much about my trivial high school relationships.” My mostly absent mother didn’t need to know how deeply I was into Cade. It was none of her business. “You are forever telling me to grow up, so I figured this wasn’t something that was important. I don’t get why Sam would talk crap about Cade. He seems to like him. Cade has always been super nice to him. I wish people would stop judging him because he has tattoos and earrings. Those things do not define him. And just so you know, he is taking the same classes as I am. His grade point average is even higher than mine. He is very smart and talented. If you heard him sing, Mom, you wouldn’t dismiss his career choice as stupid.”
