by Reid, Angela
“Start at the cabin,” replied Rodriquez.
I relayed my version of events and then looked at Cade. “How did you get out? I assumed you were inside when they set the place on fire.”
“I broke the glass walk-out and jumped over the railing.”
“They handcuffed you. Did you get hurt when you fell?” I asked, looking him over for injuries I might have missed.
“Just a dislocated shoulder and a few scrapes and bruises—nothing serious. I walked down the mountain until I came to another cabin. The people there called for help.”
“What happened next, Ellia,” said Rodriquez, trying to keep me on track.
“Camerson and I struggled in the car, and he knocked me out. When I woke up, I was in a building.” I talked for a long time about the Taser and the whipping. I told them what they did to my father and what he revealed to me. The tears had come back, and I was shaking as I prepared to tell them about the rape. “The last thing I remember was when the man with Salt-and-pepper hair threw me over a table and ….”
“Stop,” said Cade. “No more—not today.” His face reddened with anger and his hands balled into tight fists. He looked desperate and ready to kill someone.
Rodriquez regarded him with a look of understanding. “Maybe you should step outside until we finish.”
I reached over and touched Cade’s arm. He had tears in his eyes when he stared down at me. “I’m so sorry, Ellia, I can’t listen to this. I feel so fucking responsible for what happened to you. The details are killing me.”
“It’s not your fault. I’ve told you a million times I don’t blame you for anything. Don’t you think I believe you would die to protect me? We need closure on this though. I want you here with me when I talk about it but not if you can’t handle it. You’ve been here for me every step of the way, but you have limits too. If you need to leave the room, I understand.”
He stared at me for a long time, his expression torn in confliction. After a few seconds, he took a deep breath, wiped his face and sat on the bed next to me. “I’m not leaving you alone. Tell them everything.”
Cade kept his hand on my back while I sobbed my way through the specifics of my experience. I could feel the tension in him like a hot wire. Once Rodriquez and Fattel finished with their questions, they left us alone. The second the door shut, he pulled me into his arms and held me for a long time while his silent tears soaked my shoulder. Once he gained composure, I asked. “How did you find me? What happened to my dad and Camerson? Are the men who raped me still out there?”
“Are you sure you want to keep talking about this?” He blew his nose.
“Yes, let’s just get it over with once and for all.”
“When I got back to the field office, our people already had a solid lead on where they held Chief Meyers. We assumed it was where they had taken you. Camerson was gone by the time we arrived on sight, and your dad …” He hesitated, watching me for a reaction.
“I heard you and Rodriquez say he’s dead. Tell me what happened.”
“He hung himself, El. I was searching for you and never saw the body, but the team informed he had fashioned a noose out of a leather whip. I would have to read over the reports to see if the man you described as the rapist is among the dead or in custody. We didn’t know who had assaulted you when we found you.”
“I hope he’s dead. He’s a sadistic mother f ….” I shuddered at the thought he could still be alive. “Will I have to testify against him or Camerson?” The idea terrified me. Essentially, I’d be a target for that monster again, at least until after the trial.
“The FBI hasn’t told me anything, yet. Rodriquez is in charge of this case, and I’m privy to limited information at this point. I’ve been doing consultation work on other cases since we’ve been here, but Director James is keeping me out of the loop on the Camerson case until my disciplinary review is complete. Lucas allowed me to come along on the raid, or I wouldn’t have been there when they found you. He might end up in suspension himself for allowing me to be there.”
“I’m sorry. I never wanted you, or anyone else, to get in trouble or lose your job.”
“Don’t worry about it. I don’t think they’ll fire me, and even if they do, I guess I don’t care. We have plenty of money to last until I figure something out. The important thing is for you not to get anxious about any of it. If you are called to testify, we will deal with that when the time comes.”
“Will he come after us? You said this was over, but is it really?”
“Ellia, in this moment, my only concern is getting you well. I understand your lack of faith in me, and the FBI, but I need you to stay calm. As I said, we’ll take each thing as it comes.”
“I have to tell you something,” I replied. He looked worried as he fidgeted with the edge of my blanket, not meeting my eyes. “When we were at the cabin, I never told you I loved you because it scared me too much to say it out loud, like I was taunting fate. Even though I am terrified of losing you again, I never want you to doubt how I feel about you. I love you, and I always have. My trust in you, as far as you sharing the whole truth, teeters, because you’ve never been completely open or honest with me, but I understand it was of no malicious intent. You continually think the bigger picture is worth the sacrifice, and that may, or may not, be true. Please believe I have complete faith in you. After all we’ve been through, there is not a single uncertainty in my mind you will do whatever needs done to keep me safe. It’s a worry and comfort, I won’t lie, but I don’t want you to keep carrying this guilt.” I put my hands on face and pressed my lips to his.
“Thank you, El,” he whispered in my ear. “I love you too, and I will live for you until the day I die.”
***
I was eager to see my mom. Cade told me she had a mild stroke while she was recovering after the abduction, a product of a blood clot from her injuries. It left her weak on the right side, but she’d been in physical therapy for weeks and was almost back to normal. He’d kept in constant contact with her about my condition. Now that I was strong enough to deal with what happened, she insisted on coming to visit me. It had been six months since our last visit, long before Matt had died, and long before the abductions.
When my mom came in, Cade and I were playing a game of cards, and I was laughing at something he said. I flew out of my chair and embraced her.
“Mom … oh mom.” I hugged her harder than I ever had, not wanting to release her. My tears soaked her shoulder.
Cade touched my shoulder. “I will be outside if you need me.”
My mom broke from the embrace and encircled Cade in her arms. “I’m so happy to see you.” she said. “Thank you so much for taking care of Ellia.”
The shadow that crossed his face was obvious. He still believed he had failed me in every way, and the guilt sat on him like an elephant.
He gave a half nod. “I will wait outside so you two can catch up, and then I will join you for lunch if that’s okay.”
“That would be wonderful” she replied, and we watched him walk out.
“He turned out to be a good man and just as handsome as ever,” she said, and I agreed. “We’ve had great conversations on the phone. He’s been a huge comfort.”
“I’m glad. How are you doing--really?” I asked, staring in her eyes for the truth.
“Well, it has been rough, I won’t lie to you, but I have competent therapists and every day is a little easier than the last. I visit Sam’s grave as often as I can. Maybe when you get to leave here, you can visit with me,” she said, and touched my face.
“I’d like that. I wish I could’ve seen him again.” My eyes filled with tears. “I was such a terrible sister.”
“No, you weren’t, honey. Sam was very busy, and he made little time for anyone in his life. You two were never close, even as kids. It happens sometimes. After those men … well you heard what they did to him, but he checked out after that. I don’t think he even knew what was happening at the
end, and he was so sick when the police came, he was unconscious. His wounds were gangrenous, and he was septic. The doctors couldn’t save him.” I wiped the tears off her face.
“I know what they did to you. How are you handling everything?”
“The same way as you, I suppose. We both went through hell and all we can do is just keep going forward. I’ve been getting counseling. Cade said you have a very nice therapist.” She took my hand, and we sat on the bed next to each other.
“Yes, she’s been great. We don’t talk a lot about the details of what I experienced, but she has taught me a lot of coping strategies. I’m just so thankful to feel in control of myself again. It was difficult watching Cade in such emotional distress and not be able to communicate with him. He blames himself for everything.”
“I know he does. We’ve had several heartfelt conversations, and he’s been miserable. I hope you can both heal.” She squeezed my hand. “Has he told you everything?”
“Beth,” said Cade standing in the doorway. “Can I talk to you for a second?” My mother got up and followed him into the hall, while I looked out the window and waited for them, questioning whether he had hidden more information from me. My pulse quickened as my worry expounded. I lost myself in thought as the two entered the room.
“Ellia,” said Cade, touching my shoulder with near panic in his voice. He feared I might disappear again.
“I’m fine--just thinking.” A smile lit up my face, and I was relieved to see the color flow back into his. “Why did you need to talk to mom?”
“Nothing,” he said, but turned away. He wasn’t being truthful, and it bothered me. He wanted my faith and my trust, but could never quite bring himself to earn it. “I have lunch arranged for us outside in the garden. It’s unseasonably warm today, and I thought it might be a nice change for you.” He got a sweater out of the closet for me as I stood up, and he helped me into it. He hugged me before we headed to the courtyard.
As we sat with our food presented on a red checkered table cloth over a picnic table, I pressed them for answers again. “What are you two not telling me?” I asked, addressing them both.
I watched them exchange a glance but couldn’t read either of them. Cade spoke first. “You’ve dealt with a lot this week, El. I don’t think now is the time.”
“Cade,” began my mother. “I’m sorry, honey, but I disagree with you. She needs to be told. It’s her body and her health.”
I stared at him, waiting for him to answer. “You promised no more lies. Tell me.” I was getting angry as he stalled.
“There are two things, really.” He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair. It killed him to have to tell me anymore bad news. He looked at my mom. “You haven’t been told this, either, Beth.” He then turned back to me. “Your dad knew where the money and the guns were the whole time.” I gasped, and Cade stopped talking, thinking the revelation was too upsetting, but I urged him to continue. “He had another family, Ellia, complete with two more children. They lived in the Caribbean. He kept the woman in a separate house with the kids and made sure no one found out they existed, not even the FBI. He gave her the cash to hide in her personal accounts, and he hid the weapons in a storage unit.” The news hurt me so completely, it took a moment to recover.
My mother looked tormented and tears fell from her eyes. I reached over and grabbed her hand while still talking to Cade. “God, I don’t know what to say. Why am I even surprised? He is a despicable person, but how does a man ever justify something like this? How could he sacrifice us to save them? How did you find out about them?”
“The FBI got a tip from a connection in Nassau. We arrested the woman, but I am not sure if the charges will stick. She claims no knowledge of anything. The little boys are with her family members. We confiscated the arms, but the money is untouchable due to issues with foreign banking laws,” he said.
My mother was seething, but trying to cover the emotion from me. “I’m sorry, Mom, I cannot imagine how much this hurts you, especially knowing Sam died for that bastard.”
My mom shook her head as if a casting off something she didn’t want to consider. “I’ve known he’s a ruthless, heartless, piece of shit for years. I will be fine, but I feel terrible for you, honey.”
“I’ll be fine, too.” Another blow was coming, and I clung to the linen napkin with a death grip. “What is the second thing?” I watched them both shift in their seats, neither meeting my eyes as I brushed my tears away. I worried what else they had to say.
“Cade,” said my mother. “Just tell her. I will leave you alone while you do because this information is personal for the two of you. I’ll wait inside for you, Ellia, if you need me.” She got up and kissed us both as she walked up the path to the brick hospital. I looked at Cade, searching his eyes.
He sat down next to me and took my hand. “This is hard, El, and I don’t know how to say it.”
“Am I going to die?” I asked as fear raced through me.
He was so serious and poignant; it broke my heart to watch him give the news. “You are pregnant,” he said, and I became lightheaded. He grabbed me around the shoulders and steadied me.
I put my hand on my stomach. “How far along am I?” I looked up at him through blurry tears.
He looked devastated. “The doctors aren’t positive, because you are so underweight, but they are guessing about eight weeks.”
The reality of the situation dawned on me. This might not be Cade’s baby. Both heinous men had been inside me. My eyes welled up again, and looking at Cade seemed unbearable. “It’s not yours is it?” The idea was so cruel and disgusting I wanted to run into my safe corner, but I didn’t.
“I don’t know,” he said with honesty. “You were sick when we found you, and the doctors had a difficult time putting weight on you. The consensus was that you’d spontaneously abort since your body wasn’t in good condition to support a viable fetus, but so far, the baby is hanging tough. We made love almost every day up at that cabin, El, even that last night. We were never consistent in using protection. The odds are it’s mine, but we can’t be sure until it’s born.”
“I want an abortion,” I said, getting to my feet. “I won’t give birth to that monster’s spawn! I won’t!” He thwarted my attempt to walk away with tears flowing fast down my cheeks. He took my arm and pulled me into a crushing embrace.
“Please don’t do that. Let’s talk about it, at least.” The despair in his voice squeezed my heart.
“How long have you known, Cade? When did you find out I was pregnant?” I asked, pushing him away from me.
“He looked down and shuffled his feet. “When we brought you in, you had obvious signs of rape, and per protocol, a blood test showed you had conceived. We learned day one about the baby.”
“What?” I yelled, beyond furious at him. “Why wouldn’t you make them abort it at once, Cade? They could’ve given me one of those Morning-After pills. Two disgusting pigs fucking raped me. How in the hell could you presume I would want to birth a thing reproduced from that?”
“Because it might be mine … ours, and I didn’t want to risk killing our own child. So far, this baby has survived incredible odds based on the condition we found you,” he said, his eyes so miserable it made me angrier.
“But what if it’s not yours? What if I had never come back from nutso-Neverland? What if I had stayed in a catatonic state? What would be your great plan then, Agent Cantrell?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like I thought that far ahead. Jesus, I didn’t think it was my place to make such a major decision for you.”
“So if I was still out of it, you’d just let me continue to grow this evil seed inside me until it was too late for an abortion?” I wanted to smack him, I was so furious. “If you understood me at all, in what universe would I choose to keep this thing?”
He was angry, too, by then as he stood with his hands shoved in his pockets. “It might be ours, Ellia, yours and mine. How could yo
u forgive me if I asked them to kill OUR baby?”
“I’d have never known about any of this if you would’ve just told them to terminate.”
“Is that what you want? After all the arguments we’ve had about me withholding information, is that how you wanted me to handle it? I didn’t know if you’d wake up or not, but it was too early to take that baby if there was a chance you’d want it. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“What if I carry it to term and it’s not yours? How will either of us live with that?”
“I don’t care if it’s mine, Ellia. This isn’t about me and some egotistical desire to procreate. This child is part of you, and I will love it and raise it as my own, regardless of paternity, if you’ll let me.”
I pushed past him. “I have to be alone for a few minutes to think.” My mind was racing as I walked the path in the opposite direction. Could I ever love this child if it belonged to either of those sadists? Despite what Cade said, would he really? Even if he did, I didn’t believe I had it in me.
I sat down on a bench in front of the man-made pond with a fountain and watched the ducks. The momma was cruising along with her little ones paddling behind her. I put my hands on my belly, marveling that there was a tiny wisp of a person inside of me. Maybe it was Cade’s baby, it was hard to say. I’d been on the pill with Matt, but after my abduction, my monthly cycles were sporadic, especially combined with stress and extreme weight loss.
Guilt filled me for getting so angry at Cade. The decision was mine to make, he was right. In all that time at the cabin, while we screwed each other’s brains out, being very lax with birth control, we never even discussed the possibility of a pregnancy. We had not been in a place to be taking such a risk, and yet we did. He was not a careless man by nature, which made me wonder if part of him wanted a baby all along.
When I returned to my room, I found Cade and my mother, waiting for me. He was standing near the window wearing the face of torment. I crossed the room as he met my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’m sorry. You did the right thing. It’s my decision to make.” He nodded into my hair. His body was rigid, and I felt the tension in him as if it was my own. “We’ll figure it out.” I pulled back and kissed him before turning to look at my mom. I realized for the first time, she looked ten years older than she had before the ordeal. My heart broke for her again.
