by Reid, Angela
“Rodriquez wants me to go back on this case with him. He’s almost convinced the director to bring me in again. I can’t leave you alone, though, and I contemplated quitting altogether and taking you out of the country. Even though I promised not to keep things from you, I’m so worried about you, Ellia, and the baby.”
My head spun, knowing the danger had amped up a notch. No indictment came for Camerson yet, but it drew closer all the time. My dad didn’t have the guns anymore, but his freedom still concerned me. If he committed another crime, I might be a pawn again, and Salt-and-pepper, or someone like him, could be at the heart of my interrogation. I felt lost in a violent world with no escape.
Cade touched my arm. “You have every right to be mad at me, but I hope you will try to understand. You are so fragile, and my only concern is keeping you safe and healthy.”
I noted the worry lines around his mouth and realized the weight of his burden. He lived in constant fear, full of guilt, and an unending paranoia. The strain of it radiated from exhausted eyes, and a dampened spirit. I refused to fall victim to myself this time. He needed me.
I reached up and touched his face. “I am not mad at you, not now. This has been hard on you. I worried you were pulling away from me because of the rape, like I disgusted you, or maybe because you had someone else. But now I understand it’s this information that’s standing between us and tearing you apart.” A tear slid down his cheek, and he nuzzled into my neck. He’d held so much in for so long, it broke my heart.
“All I want is a normal life with you, Ellia,” he said through his weeping. “I am so tired of fighting this fucking mess.”
“Me too,” I whispered, rubbing his back and rocking him while the tension and angst landed on my shirt, soaking it.
When he spent all his emotions, I handed him a Kleenex. “The good news is,” he began, “your dad is not in the country. The courts down there released his wife on bond, and they are in hiding again. He has no reason to come anywhere near you.”
“So you are more worried about Camerson, at this point?” I asked.
“Yes. The case is going in front of a grand jury soon, El, and I don’t want you to testify. Unfortunately, Camerson is a master at covering his tracks so much of the evidence is circumstantial. This biggest reason I haven’t left the Bureau is because I need to be kept informed. We must be prepared, and if I quit, I’ll lose access.”
“I understand, and you’re right. But when this mess is all over, Cade, I will support whatever you do. You going undercover again, worries me sick, but I’ll stand by you.” I kissed his cheek, and he turned into me, kissing my mouth. When things progressed, he pulled away again.
“Why aren’t you attracted to me anymore?” I got the gumption to ask. “Is it because of the rape, or because I’m getting fat, or is it something else? You haven’t made love to me since Tennessee.” I held back the tears, bracing myself for his answer.
“It’s none of those things. And you could never be fat. This little bump,” he put his hand on my stomach, “is all baby, but even if you were, it wouldn’t matter to me. I love you, and you have no idea how hard it’s been not to touch you. I want you all the time, but I am so worried sex will trigger an awful memory. You don’t need to deal with any more pain. The nightmares are mostly gone, and I’m terrified of waking up dormant, unwanted feelings,” he said. “You went through something so fucking sick, something, as a man, I can’t comprehend. The most important thing is to stay healthy, physically and mentally. The physical part of our relationship can wait until you are stronger. We should’ve talked about this sooner, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, but I am stronger—probably the strongest I’ve ever been in my life. The things I experienced changed me in many ways, but the one positive is that I refuse to lie down and be victim to my circumstances ever again. Whatever happens, I will get through it, so I don’t want you to live under this cloud of worry for me. No more hiding in my mind when things get hard. My body is healed, and I’m thinking clear. I miss you.” I pulled his face to mine and kissed him while climbing on to his lap and wrapping my legs around his waist. He flipped me over on the bed and took control, giving me exactly what I needed.
The next morning, I woke with my leg snarled in the sheet, the pillows on the floor, and Cade’s arm across me as he lay sprawled on his stomach. We’d had a marathon the night before and remembering it made me smile. I hoped the passion we felt for each other would never wane.
It took a few minutes to extract myself from the twisted bedclothes, but I managed to get out without disturbing him. It was the deepest he’d slept in months, and he needed the rest. Just as the coffee finished brewing, the doorbell rang. My heartbeat went to race mode. Through the peep hole, I spied Willow on the other side. Dammit! I thought. What is that bitch doing back here? I looked down at myself. I was in Cade’s T-shirt, ratty slippers, and my hair was a post-coitus matted mess. Hoping she would note my after-glow, I opened the door, coffee in one hand and a smirk on my face. “What do you want?” I asked in a casual manner.
Her eyes scanned over me, and I knew I’d achieved the goal as anger washed across her features. “I would like to speak to Cade. Is he home?”
“He is sleeping. We had a late night, and I have no intention of waking him. Can I give him a message?” I couldn’t help the smugness on my face.
“This is work related, so stop with your immature behavior. I do not understand what Cade sees in you. Ever since I met you, you have been nothing but a narcissistic, spoiled brat, throwing tantrums and acting like jealous teen-ager. Are you stuck at age seventeen, Ellia? God help that baby. I hope it’s not Cade’s.”
“Wow, Agent Mendiola, tell me what you really think?” I smiled at her. “Your opinion of me means very little. Good bye.” I started to shut the door as Cade came down the hallway and caught the tail end of the conversation. He wore nothing but his jeans, the top button undone, and his hair was in disarray. He looked so sexy I wanted to throw a blanket over him so she couldn’t ogle him.
“What’s going on, Willow?” he asked, running his hands over his dark, silky locks to smooth them.
“I want to talk to you about work, but your girlfriend didn’t see fit to wake you.”
I watched her eyes travel over him, taking in his broad shoulders and sculpted abs, and I had to resist the urge to act like a jealous seventeen year old and punch her in the nose.
Cade looked at me, and I answered his questioning expression. “It’s the first time you’ve slept well since we came home. I didn’t want to disturb you yet.” He smiled at me with that wicked grin that told me his mind wandered to our zealous shagging.
After kissing my cheek he spoke to her. “Come on in, I just need to grab a shirt.” He disappeared down the hallway while she followed me to the kitchen.
“Do you want coffee?” I asked, trying to keep it friendly.
“Why yes, Ellis, I’d love a cup--black please. I don’t need mine frilly.”
She was referring to my sweet white java, but I refused to let her bother me. We sat in awkward silence until Cade returned. I poured him a mug of liquid caffeine and kissed his cheek. He stood at the peninsula in front of her. I hung by the sink to listen. Willow nodded her head towards me.
“She knows,” said Cade. “I told her about her dad last night.”
“I see.” She looked disappointed, knowing she had no secrets with him anymore. “I stopped by to let you know we got a tip he was in Panama. We have operatives on the ground, but so far, they’ve found nothing.”
“Okay,” he said, drawing out the word and looking at her with his head cocked. “Why didn’t you or Lucas just call me? Did you drive all the way here from Detroit for that piece of information?”
“I stayed in town last night.” Her eyes shifted to me and then back to him. “You worried me last night.”
“I’m fine,” he said. “But thanks.”
“Well, all right then.” She rose from her cha
ir looking awkward and embarrassed. “I guess I’ll head home.”
Cade walked her to the door while I stood in the kitchen. Their goodbye was brief, and he joined me to finish his coffee. “What was that all about, do you think? Why was she worried?”
“She knows I’ve been under a lot of pressures, and last night I was feeling the strain particularly heavy.” He swept me up in his arms and kissed my forehead. “I am much better today, though, thanks to you.” A squeeze to my gluteus and a growl from his throat was all it took to have us rolling around on the kitchen floor. “God, I love you,” he said through panting breaths as we finished.
“Back atcha,” I said, giggling.
Chapter 17
The next few months crept by as we maintained our seclusion. Cade was less on edge since he had me to relieve his tension, but he was still paranoid and cautious. The baby was kicking regularly, and I was seven weeks from my due date. We’d talked a lot about the baby, but I remained unsure about my feelings. As much as I loved being pregnant and treasured the idea of life inside me, I worried about how I’d react after the birth.
Cade talked to my belly every day, and he even read the baby bedtime stories, which made me laugh. We were happy, or at least as content as we could be while living under a shadow of danger.
Lucas showed up at the door one afternoon as I’d finished the lunch dishes. “Well, Agent Rodriquez, what are you doing here today?”
“For the love of God, Ellia, call me Lucas. I’ve eaten your food, drank your coffee, and kept your man away from you for hours on end; we are past formalities.”
I laughed and stepped aside so he could enter. “Come in, Lucas. Cade is in the office as usual.”
The first sharp pain hit as Cade and Lucas came into the kitchen for a break. I doubled over and moaned. I’d been having light contractions all day, but nothing that raised concern. From all the books and internet research, it was normal to have intermittent contractions as the body stretched and prepared in the last weeks. It was no cause for worry, but this was a big one. I gripped the edge of the counter.
“What’s wrong,” asked Cade, rushing to my side.
I laughed. “It think this boy is being quite athletic today. Wow!”
“Are you having contractions?” he asked, his eyes wide.
“I’ve been having them all morning, but the books say it’s nothing to worry about this early. They aren’t regular, and that was the first one that really hurt.”
“I want you to sit down and put your feet up, El. It’s too soon for the baby to come, so rest, and I will finish cleaning later.” He ushered me to a chair and pulled the footstool under my feet. “Do you need anything?”
“No, go back to work, you guys, I am fine.”
He kissed my forehead before he and Lucas went into the office. Not five minutes passed before another hit, and I grabbed the arms of the chair in a death grip. I watched the clock after that, and the contractions were coming regular. It was all I could do not to cry out each time one rocked my body.
I got up and hobbled to the French doors. “Cade,” I said gripping the door frame as the pain tore through me, almost dropping me to my knees. “Either something is wrong, or I am in labor. It really hurts. Do you think we should go to the hospital?”
Cade was on his feet in an instant. “Let’s go.” He led me to the garage, snatching the keys off the hook inside the door along the way. “Lucas, you know the way out.”
“See you at the hospital,” he replied, and Cade nodded.
“Oh shit!” I exclaimed, thinking I’d pissed myself as a puddle formed around my feet.
“I think your water broke,” said Lucas, looking pale and worried—or a little grossed out by the pinkish tinged fluid.
Lucas handed me a big towel to sit on in the car, and Cade buckled me in like a child before skidding across the hood to take the driver’s seat. The scene would be comical if I wasn’t clutching the dash board in white-knuckle agony.
“It’s gonna be okay … breathe through the pain.” he said. He drove fast, but not reckless, though from everything we’d read, we still had plenty of time. The discomfort consumed me, and I barely noticed we’d arrived at the hospital. Cade parked and ran inside to fetch a wheel chair. He helped me out of the truck and into the chair as I moaned and rocked back and forth.
Once inside, the nurse wheeled me into the emergency room and examined me. I had already dilated to five, and it was too late to stop the progression, even though the baby was too early. After being admitted, they moved me to a labor and delivery room on the second floor. I gripped Cade’s hand like a steel claw, and I worried he’d need a cast. I declined the epidural, opting to do it naturally.
“Ellia, you should take it,” said Cade. He wore his concern and worry all over his face. I shook my head, determined to stick to the plan. The hours stretched on, and sweat covered my body. I was exhausted, and he tried again. “Please let them give you something for pain, El,” he begged. “I hate seeing you in so much distress.”
“No, I can do this.” I concentrated on my breathing, the contractions so close together I barely got a minute in between each one. “I’ve been through worse.” But I wasn’t sure I believed it.
Over eighteen hours passed, and it was late in the night. “I need to push him out Cade, I can’t take any more.” I gritted my teeth and bore down as he yelled for the nurse.
She sauntered in, as if we were bothering her, not in any hurry. “Don’t push yet, Ellia. We need to check you and make sure the cervix is ready.” The snap of purple gloves on her plump hand, brought me back to reality, giving me something to focus on besides the pain. She rammed her fingers into my vagina, and I fought the urge to kick her in the face.
“Please,” I panted, “I have to get him out. I can’t do this any longer. I’m so tired.”
“Okay, stay calm,” she said. “The head is coming, and you are ready. Wait until I summon the doctor. This baby will be out in no time, honey. You’ve done well,” she said, patting my knee. My entire world seemed wrapped around this moment, but for the nurse, it was business as usual. Holding back the urge to push was the biggest exercise in restraint I’d ever practiced. When the doctor arrived with two more nurses, they dropped the bottom part of the bed away, and I pushed without permission. The relief it brought was minimal. Cade dabbed my forehead again with a cool cloth. His face was twisted in concern, but I didn’t have the strength to comfort him. I needed to push again.
“Okay, Ellia, he’s almost out, take a deep breath and push hard.” I did, but no reprieve arrived. My insides felt ripped apart. “That’s good, now breathe for a minute.” I did, and he told me to push again. It took almost an hour of the purest agony I’d ever known before joyous release from the immense pressure came as the head popped out of my nether region. From there, it required two more pushes for the rest to follow. The pain stopped, and I wept with relief.
Cade kissed me on the forehead. “You did it, El,” he whispered. I heard the cries of a healthy baby boy. Cade cut the cord, and the doctor placed the baby on my chest. I held him close and continued to cry right along with him. He was beautiful, a piece of perfection. I knew in that precious moment, there was no way I would give that baby up to anyone. I didn’t care who the biological father might be because I’d fallen irrevocably in love.
The nurses let me sleep two hours before they brought the baby in to breastfeed. He weighed six pounds and was fully developed. None of the issues often seen in premature babies presented. He was divine in every way, a little angelic gift from God. Each time I woke, whether the baby was crying or not, Cade was holding him. “You will spoil him,” I teased.
“He is so small and so perfect. I don’t think I have held a baby since I used to stay with Scott and Amy. I’m not sure I knew what to expect,” he said.
“Well, then you are a natural. You hold him like you’ve always been around newborns. I am the awkward one here,” I laughed.
“You
are not awkward, just tired. God, El, you worked so damn hard for this little guy. I’m so proud.” His eyes met mine, and I saw the worry. “Have you thought about a name? Or would it be wrong to name him until the paternity test comes back? It’s already sent, so we should have results in a few days.”
“I think we should name him,” I said, looking down at my little miracle, his genetics no longer important. “He gets to stay.” I looked at Cade. “If that is still acceptable to you; you might not be his biological father, and I need to know you are still all right with that.”
The smile on his face was so bright it made my heart race. Tears of joy filled his eyes. “I’ve wanted him since you conceived. He is mine either way, and I love him already.” He kissed our son on the forehead. “Whatever you want to name him is fine with me.”
“Okay, how about Cleatus?” I offered jokingly. “Or Wilhelm … or maybe Bocephus.”
“Hmm…I like Bocephus. Bocephus Zachariah Cantrell. Yeah--I like the sound of that,” he laughed, and then looked thoughtful. “Or Meyers, I guess. I shouldn’t be so presumptuous.”
“I wouldn’t want him to have any other last name, Cade. It will be Cantrell, no matter what,” I said.
“Well, we should all share the same last name, don’t you agree?” He put the baby in the bassinet and got down on one knee at the side of my hospital bed. “Will you marry me?” he asked. He opened the box and showed me a beautiful diamond flanked by two sapphires. “The sapphire on the left is the original from the promise ring I gave you. I hope you don’t mind I snooped in your fire safe.”
“Oh Cade,” I said, taking the ring with my free hand as he got to his feet. “My answer is yes.” He slipped it on my finger.
“I love you, Ellia, and I’ve loved you since that first day in Mrs. Munson’s class so long ago. God, I wish …” He looked away, the guilt heavy on his heart.
