by Reid, Angela
I cried again, and she moved to the edge of the bed, rocking me back and forth like a child, just as the bedside phone rang. My mom disentangled herself and answered it. “Hello? Yes, she is awake. Hold on a second.” She handed me the phone. “It’s Cade. I am going for the night, but I will come in morning. Sleep well and eat something.” She kissed me on the head and left the room.
“Cade,” I said, fresh sobs awaking, “Please tell me you found him?”
He exhaled. “Not yet. Are you okay? God, I am so damn worried about you, but I need to be out here looking for him.”
“Yes, you do, and I am okay. Please don’t worry about me. All I want you to do is find our baby. I could kill that bitch for taking him from me; I swear to God I will bury her!”
“Easy El, she won’t hurt him. Willow is not a bad person, at least not in the context she would harm Cayden. She believes she’s doing this for his protection. Cayden is safe so just keep calm.” He seemed almost passive, which infuriated me.
“Bullshit! Don’t you dare defend her! This isn’t about doing something noble. All of this is because she can’t have you. Anyone who is insane enough to steal a child from its parents, is a danger, Cade. She is the unstable one. What the hell is wrong with you? I don’t care if you still have feelings for her, Cayden is MY child, and I want him back. Don’t call me again until you are ready to stop seeing anything from her misguided point of view. She doesn’t get one.”
I slammed the antiquated hospital phone down in its cradle. The nurse came in to check on me, but by then, I was off the bed trying to remove the IV. I was mad and didn’t want to sit by in a helpless state a moment longer.
“You need to stop, Miss Meyers,” said the nurse, pressing the call button for a backup nurse.
“Screw you!” I yelled. “I’m getting out of here to find my son.” Another nurse arrived and Lucas followed her into the room.
“Ellia,” he said, putting his hands on my arms to restrain me. “Stop this. If you want to be in any shape to care for Cayden, then get your ass in that bed. You can leave in the morning when you’ve been hydrated and eaten something. Cade has enough to worry about without you adding more stress. You’re being irrational.”
“To hell with Cade,” I yelled, the tears still streaming. “He thinks Willow is a good person. He actually said that, Lucas. How could he defend her? She stole my baby from me!”
“She stole his baby from him too, don’t forget that. I am sure he was trying to reassure you, Ellia, not infuriate you. He doesn’t want you to be so afraid. It’s not about defending her; it’s about helping you through this the best way he can. Please calm down and get back in the bed. I will come first thing in the morning and personally escort you wherever you think you need to go.”
His voice was so composed and soothing, I wondered if he was hostage negotiator or something. I did as he said, and the nurse re-taped the IV in place before leaving the room. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not trying to make things more difficult for anyone. I just want Cayden home. I don’t even know where to look, but I can’t stand sitting here and doing nothing.”
“None of this mess is fair to either of you, but you need to let us do our jobs. I understand that you are feeling helpless, but putting your life in danger helps no one. Cayden will be home soon. Trust Cade and trust me. But for now, please rest and regain your strength. You are not alone in this.” He put his hand on my arm, and I found comfort from the small gesture.
“Thank you.” We said good night, and he left. The nurse came in and offered me a sedative. I took it, knowing I needed to shut down and heal.
I woke the next morning to rain pouring down outside my window while a thunderstorm raged over head. Branches scraped the glass like witches claws. I shivered, though the room was warm. A tray of food arrived, but I didn’t want it. My OB doctor appeared shortly thereafter.
“Ellia,” she scolded, seeing the plate of untouched nourishment. “How long has it been since you have eaten?” I shrugged, I couldn’t remember. She read through my chart on the computer. “On top of the bleeding and the anemia, you have dangerously low blood sugar. I cannot release you until we get you eating. I have ordered iron tablets for you too. Take them—no excuses. Are you pumping your breast milk regularly?”
“I did yesterday morning, but I don’t think I have anymore.” Dejected and feeling like a failure, my heart ached.
“You need food and fluids for your body to produce breast milk, Ellia. Not only that, you are in a recovery phase from a long labor and delivery. You must take better care of yourself. When your baby comes home to you, you want to be able to care for him don’t you?” she asked, sitting on the edge of my bed. “Are you having dark thoughts?”
“You mean suicide?”
“Yes. Postpartum depression is common and now you have a traumatic event to deal with, too. I can refer you to a psychiatrist if you are too overwhelmed,”
“No, I am not suicidal, but the word on the street is that I’m unstable.” I laughed absurdly to prove the point and then got serious again. “Maybe it’s true, I don’t know anymore. What if Willow would make a better mother?”
“Nonsense. I can see how much you love your son, but right now, you need to get well. Do you want me to find someone for you to talk to, Ellia?” she asked.
“No, I will be fine. I’ve gotten used to dealing with things on my own over the years.”
“You’re not alone,” said Cade, walking into the room looking a disheveled mess. “Can we have a moment?”
“Of course,” said the doctor, smiling at Cade. “I will be back in a little while to do her exam. And I’d like to speak with you before you leave.” He nodded, and she left the room as he sat down on the bed next to me. He pulled me up into his arms.
“Tell me you found him,” I cried into his chest.
“I wish I could, but Willow is smart. She knows how to cover her tracks. We won’t stop though.” Every muscle in his body stiffened with his anger.
“Why are you here?” I asked, looking up at him. “You said you wanted to stay out there.”
“I do, and I will, but I had to make sure you were okay first.” He took his thumbs on each side of my face and wiped the tears. It seemed to be a never ending gesture in our lives. “You scared me yesterday with your health issues, but I got more worried when I talked to you. This is tearing me up, Ellia, I want to be here for you, but I need to be out there looking for him, too. I can’t do both. Please, don’t make me have to choose.”
Certain I heard real resentment in his words, though he was trying to cover it, I got angry. “I didn’t ask you to come back and hold my hand, Cade. You came here of your own choosing. I didn’t create a drama to test your devotion, and I don’t want to be in this fucking hospital. You need not coddle me anymore. Don’t ever feel like you HAVE to take care of me. You don’t. Yes, I went through a difficult break-down after the rape, but I am recovered. I’m not suicidal anymore. I’ve dealt with all that stuff, so stop treating me like brittle glass. Last night, I was mad as hell, but I didn’t expect you to run to my bedside. We can disagree without it being the end of the world. My emotions are heightened at the moment, but I am not losing my mind as you all seem to believe. Don’t you think any normal mother who had a child abducted might conduct herself in such an emotional way? Stop worrying about my mental status and go find our son.”
He kissed me softly on the forehead, diffusing my anger. “I’m sorry. You have every right to feel frantic, but I know Cayden is safe. Don’t take my words and twist them, I am not defending Willow in any way, I just want you to take comfort in the truth.” He got off the bed and kissed the top of my head. “I will call you later. I love you.”
I didn’t respond as he disappeared out the doorway.
Chapter 19
I barely heard from Cade that first week as the search went forward. My breast milk returned when I resumed a healthy diet, and I pumped it every day, filling the freezer to nea
r capacity. Most of the agents had moved back to their field office, save the few left on site for my protection, and my mom stayed on as well. The subpoena to testify had arrived, putting added pressure on our situation. The quandary tore Cade in two, wanting to keep on Willow’s trail but compelled to watch over me. I begged him to stay out looking for Cayden, or I’d never forgive him.
Lucas, per Cade’s request, stayed on to watch over us. He spent most of his time in the house with my mom and me. We developed a real friendship, and he kept me in the loop as Cade’s phone calls were often short and to the point. Every time he called, I could hear despair in his tone, and he lost his temper with me in frustration, more than once. Hearing his voice broke my heart, so I stood stoic against his anger. I missed him and Cayden so much my soul ached every day, but I was keeping myself together for both of them. Lucas and my mom were a superb support system.
The second week mark came and went with still no trace of my son or Willow. Camerson’s men had not come for me, yet I’d become as paranoid as Cade had been, always checking windows and doors, afraid to go outside of my fortress. I had dark moments where I’d sit in Cayden’s nursery for hours, contemplating the purpose of life. Why does God give us such beautiful things like love and children and then take them all away just as fast? Does he enjoy human suffering? I could never understand the why of it all.
Cade had not called in two days, and he wasn’t returning any of mine. Agent Fattel took my mother out grocery shopping, but I refused to join them. Lucas worked in Cade’s office, and I was grateful to be alone. I needed to wallow in self-pity for a time longer, and I didn’t need an audience.
A knock on the door broke my tragic reverie, and I hesitated opening it, never knowing what fresh hell might wait on the other side, but it was Lucas, as if sensing my despair and coming to drag me out of the darkness. “Hey,” he said. “It’s a beautiful day, how about a walk on the beach?”
“Do you think it’s safe?” I asked, wiping the tears from my eyes.
“I have security in place, El, no worries. You need to get outside and get some fresh air.”
I agreed. The funk I wallowed in needed to end. I grabbed a coat, and we headed out. “Thanks Lucas. You always seem to be here when I need you. Do you have a weird sixth sense or something?”
“No, but I’ve gotten to know you. You do pretty well for a while, and then you start to crack, especially when you don’t hear from Cade. We’ve been together so much over the last two weeks, I’ve noticed the pattern.”
“Ah, yes, still unstable, but predictably so,” I said with a smirk. “I guess I’ve always been that way, I mean the predictable part. Crazy is just my adult label. Is he all right? He barely talks to me when he calls, and it’s been forty-eight hours now since he’s called at all,” I sighed. “Does he resent me for this? If he was with any other woman, his son wouldn’t be missing.”
He linked his arm in mine. “I won’t lie to you, Cade is a little lost right now. He is a man possessed, and he’s not taking good care of himself either. But he blames himself, not you. I have never seen someone shoulder so much guilt, besides you, of course. He can’t forgive himself for what happened to you, and now this. Just be patient, though, he will come back to you. I know he loves you, and until then you have me,” he said with a little hip bump and a smile.
“And I am grateful, but I wish he’d just let me in, instead of pushing me away. We should deal with this together. As much as I like you, I wish Cade was here. I miss him.” We stopped walking and looked out over the water.
Back at the house, my mother invited him to stay for dinner. She’d picked up steaks and insisted she needed his help to grill them. My mom adored Lucas, and I feared she had a crush on this handsome dark haired man with big brown eyes, even though he was half her age.
After dinner, my mom went to take a bath, and I had a cup of tea with Lucas on the deck. In a strange rare moment, I allowed myself to laugh at something funny he said just as the French doors open. I assumed it was my mother, but Cade stood there instead. He looked dreadful, exhausted, and angry.
“Cade!” I exclaimed, jumping up from my chair and embracing him. He returned a tentative hug. “Do you have news?”
“Sorry to interrupt,” he said flatly, looking over at Lucas.
“No man,” said Lucas, also rising and shaking Cade’s hand. “Glad to have you home. Is there anything new?”
“No, I just came home for the night to see Ellia, but apparently she’s doing fine without me, so I guess I shouldn’t have bothered. You really stepped up, didn’t you old buddy?” Waves of ire rolled off of him as he looked back and forth at Lucas and me with accusations in his eyes.
“Hey,” said Lucas, scowling at Cade. “This whole thing has been hell on her, and you asked me to watch over her. Don’t be an asshole and imagine shit that isn’t there. She doesn’t deserve that from you.” There was an awkward silence.
Cade spoke while I stood shocked at his reaction to seeing me with Lucas. “Whatever man, it’s cool.”
Lucas shook his head in disappointment. “I’m going. Thanks for dinner, Ellia. I will talk to you later.” He brushed past Cade and left the house.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, searching his face.
“What do you mean what’s wrong? Everything is fucking wrong, or are you too busy dating Agent Rodriquez to care that your child is still missing?” he yelled, a vein popping in his neck.
“How dare you? How fucking dare you say that to me?” I asked, tears of anger already rolling. “I have been here all alone for two fucking weeks. You sent Lucas here to watch over me because he’s one of the few people you trust to protect me. There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t miss Cayden. Would you have preferred to come home and find me curled in a corner, locked inside my head again? Is that what you were hoping for so you could justify what Willow has done? Lucas has been a good friend to my mom and me … and to you. How could you ever question my loyalty to you? Worse yet, you have the audacity to question my love for my son? Well, fuck you!” My body coursed with fury as my fists balled at my sides. I wanted to strike him in that moment.
He grabbed me and pulled me into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I am just so tired, El; I am so damn tired. I am glad you are doing well because I sure as hell am not.”
“Don’t let this one moment fool you because I am hanging on by a thread. I miss Cayden so much,” I whispered. “My body aches for him. There are days I can barely drag myself out of bed, or eat, or do anything but cry, but allowing myself to feel the emotions instead of hiding from them, is what is keeping me sane.” I looked up in his eyes, and he leaned down and kissed me so hard my lips were crushed. It was good to hold him again, the rage melted away from us.
“Cade!” my mother exclaimed, coming out on the deck. He released me and hugged her.
“Thank you for staying here with Ellia.”
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Is there any news? Is that why you are home?” she asked expectantly.
“No, there’s nothing new. Willow is off the radar at the moment. She has family in Panama, and that’s where we’ve been. Either they know nothing, or they aren’t talking. I’m going back in a couple days, but I needed to come home for a break,” he said, sounding defeated as he put his arm around me.
“Panama?” I asked, my neck hair standing on end. “My dad is there, right? Oh Jesus, Cade, is he involved in this?”
“There is no reason to assume so. Your dad is missing in action, and we’ve had no leads to his whereabouts as of late.”
“I swear to God.” My mom looked explosive. “If that son-of-a-bitch is implicated in this, I will spend the rest of my life hunting him. Death is almost too good for that bastard, but I will take him out anyway.”
“Easy Beth,” said Cade. “Like I said, we’ve seen no obvious connection. The location is coincidental. I’m going to take a shower. We can talk more later.” He kissed my cheek and patted my mom’s a
rm as he went inside the house.
“He looks like hell.” My mom shook her head. “I bet he hasn’t slept but a handful of hours these past two weeks.”
“I know. He’s a mess.”
My mom went to her room, thinking Cade and I needed private time. I sat on the bed and waited for him to get out of the shower. When he emerged, wearing nothing but a towel around his hips, I could see he’d lost weight and his color was pale. I took his hand and pulled him down to me, removing his wet bath towel and covering him with a blanket. “Get some sleep.” He nodded, and I kissed his cheek. The deep breaths of slumber came before I even hit the door.
Early the next morning, I woke up satisfied that my nightmares had not robbed Cade of his much needed rest. I got out of bed with the stealth of a ninja and joined my mother in the kitchen for coffee. He didn’t wake again for almost eighteen hours. I checked on him often, but he remained sound asleep. Lucas called but didn’t come over, and I apologized again for Cade’s rude behavior. He said he understood, and all was well.
I went to Cayden’s room for my daily vigil, and I was in their close to an hour before I heard Cayden’s door open. Cade came in the room with his hair matted on one side and standing up on the other. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. He sat on the floor next to me, and I handed him the baby blanket that was already losing the smell of our missing son. He put it to his face and wept. I slid down beside him and held him, rubbing his back in gentle strokes. When he finished, I gave him the Kleenex box which was part of the design in every room those days. “I failed him,” said Cade, “and I failed you.”
“No, you didn’t.” I pulled his chin up to make him meet my tear filled eyes. “You are doing everything you can … everything.”
He exhaled with dejection. “Thank you for saying that, but I can’t help the way I feel. It is good to be home with you. I needed you more than I thought.” He touched his forehead to mine.
