by Langland, J.
Chapter 57
Edwyrd knocked on the door to the cabin. He'd been away for the last hour and now wanted to check on Rupert and see if he'd be able to change back so Jenn could visit him. The boy had thought he would be in a little bit. He'd actually suggested, sheepishly, that he'd rather stay as he was and have Jenn have to deal with him being a demon. Edwyrd had just looked down at him with a 'you've got to be kidding' look. Rupert had admitted it might not be the best thing to do on a closed ship.
Amazingly enough, Rupert seemed to be extremely happy being a demon. A rather remarkable difference to Tom's opinions, Edwyrd thought. At least a difference to his original thoughts. He wasn't so sure now. Being Edwyrd certainly made social situations easier to deal with, but being a demon did have undeniable advantages. As long as one was not enslaved that was. Tom could admit however, to understanding Rupert’s reticence about turning back into a scrawny human. Human flesh was really almost unbearably fragile and tiny.
What Edwyrd didn't know how to deal with, was Rupert's assumption that Tom was his father. The idea was absurd for obvious reasons. The most obvious being that it was physically impossible. Even if he'd been a demon all his life, rather than a few weeks, he was still only five to six years older than Rupert. The problem was that the kid was obviously so excited about being Tom's son that Edwyrd didn't want to crush his dreams so soon after being electrocuted. The other problem was that Rupert looked so much like Tom, that if he denied it, Rupert would be sure he was lying. After all, how could two completely unrelated demons looks so much alike? Actually, Edwyrd wasn't even sure that related demons should look alike. How many demons had relatives? Or, at least, demonic relatives, he corrected himself, thinking of his parents and relatives.
Of course, if he completely explained the situation to Rupert, that he was just a brand new demon and couldn't be Rupert's father, Rupert might understand. The problem was, he was almost certain Rupert wouldn't believe it. He knew Jenn would laugh in his face if he tried to convince her he really did look like Edwyrd. These people, especially wizards, were so conditioned about demons; they would never believe the truth. He had to admit, the longer he went on, the more he had trouble believing it.
Not that he didn't believe it. No, intellectually he knew it, it was just the longer he participated in this shared hallucination about demons, the more he believed it. He kept finding himself thinking of demons as demons, fiends of the Abyss, not human beings in weird shapes. Kept thinking of himself as a demon disguising himself as a human.
Actually, this really frightened him. The longer he went on, the more he thought of himself as a demon. One would hope that being Edwyrd would help him get in touch with his humanity. On the contrary, it seemed. The longer he was Edwyrd, the less he wanted to be human. More and more he just wanted to switch back to being a demon. Was he losing his humanity? Already, his life in Harding seemed like it was in the distant past, and not just a few weeks ago. Edwyrd was frightened that if things went on much longer, he might forget all about his past life. He might stop wanting to go home.
A chill went down Edwyrd's spine. No, that was ridiculous. He definitely wanted to go home. If he could, he would do it in an instant. Without any hesitation he'd give up this Edwyrd form, give up running around with nutso wizards for no good reason other than he gave his word. Give up his demon body and powers. In an instant he'd put Jenn and Gastropé, pains in the rear, both, behind him. He'd go back to Harding and forget about being a demon, forget about Rupert. He would, wouldn't he?
Actually, he didn't know. That scared him. What had these wizards done to him? What had he allowed himself to become. He wasn't even sure of himself anymore. He didn't know what he wanted. He knew what he should want, he just wasn't sure that he did want it.
Rupert was one of the truest friends he had in a long time, even if the kid was friendly for the wrong reason. Boggy and Tizzy were pretty good guys too. While Jenn and Gastropé weren't much, especially when he was Tom, they were at least as good of friends to Edwyrd as any he had managed to make in Harding. Sure, some of his old friends had been closer than Jenn or Gastropé, but closer than the others? Again, he didn't know. Why couldn't things be clear-cut and simple. Why must everything be a shade of ambivalence?
Edwyrd took a deep breath and knocked again. "Rupert? Are you awake? can Jenn come in?"
"Yes, I'd like to see her." Rupert's voice sounded like his old one, plus he seemed to be sounding weak, tired. Jenn, standing behind Edwyrd, smiled a smile of relief. Edwyrd glanced at her, seeing a lot of built up tension drain away. He opened the door a crack and stepped back. Jenn hurried in. Edwyrd glanced back to Gastropé standing in the doorway to the main deck, watching.
Tom heard Jenn talking softly to Rupert. She sounded like she was sobbing tears of relief, a bit. Suddenly, he distinctly heard her call, "Edwyrd!" Edwyrd quickly opened the door wide again and looked in at her. She was staring at him in surprise. "What have you done?"
"What do you mean?"
"His hair!" She brushed her hands through Rupert's hair, "his face!"
Edwyrd moved in for a closer look in the poor light of the room. He hadn't seen Rupert since he'd changed back, but he quickly spotted what disturbed Jenn. While Rupert still looked unmistakably like Rupert, his hair was a lot curlier, the angles of his face were ever-so-slightly different. He had more freckles. In short he looked a lot more like a young version of Edwyrd than he had before! Edwyrd glared into Rupert's sweetly smiling, angelic, face.
~
Edwyrd shut the door to the deck behind him as he marched down the corridor to their cabin. A small oil lamp, carefully protected, gave off enough light for him to see his way down the corridor. He wasn't sure how he'd survived the remainder of the afternoon. Jenn had spent quite a while checking over Rupert, then Maelen had run his tests. Neither seemed to find anything amiss. Other than the fact that Rupert suddenly looked more like Edwyrd's little brother than his cousin.
After she'd finished her examination, Jenn had cornered him on that one. He'd babbled something about the special animage healing link bringing them very close together, and temporarily bringing out a stronger family resemblance. He assured her it would pass with time. He wasn't sure he'd convinced her. Maelen had just looked at him askance when he finished his examination. Thankfully, he hadn't wanted to question Edwyrd further.
Jenn and Gastropé had then been distracted by the captain. Apparently, he wanted to know if there was anything the wizards could do to speed them on their journey. The loss of one and a half masts was a rather significant impediment to their journey. He'd overheard Jenn say something about maybe trying to increase the wind slightly tomorrow, after she'd had time to rest. For some reason, none of the crew approached Edwyrd with any such questions. In fact they all maintained a rather good distance from him, and an overly respectful attitude.
Obviously they had all seen what he'd done. Thankfully, neither Jenn nor Gastropé had seen him. He was pretty sure they'd have figured out what was going on, especially if they'd seen him in his demon shaped fire manifestation. They'd apparently passed out after launching their combined lightning bolt. When they asked him what happened, he'd just told them that their blow had stunned the wizard long enough for him to get through with fire. That the wizard had tried to defend himself magically and messed something up, and the entire ship had exploded.
It seemed that they didn't bother to inquire of others on this, and in fact seemed quite willing to believe that a wizard under attack could mess up a spell and blow himself up. Edwyrd had just made that up, but they seemed to accept it with no problem. Apparently, he was getting good at lying these days. Except that he was going to clear up one misunderstanding, now. He was going to have a talk with Rupert.
Thankfully, Gastropé had suggested that maybe it would be better if he didn't try to crowd in the small cabin also, what with Rupert being in pretty bad shape. Maelen had mentioned a spare bunk in his room and offered it to Gastropé. Edwyrd th
us had the evening to straighten things out with Rupert. He wasn't completely sure just how he would do it, yet, but he was sure he had to.
He opened the door to their room to find Rupert perched on the bunk, gazing out the open window onto the moonlit sea. As Edwyrd entered, Rupert turned around to see him. It was dark in the room, but thanks to the moonlight, Edwyrd could see the smile of pleasure on Rupert's face as he shut the door absently behind him. This was not going to be easy.
"Rupert, we need to talk."
"I know," Rupert said with a smile, "and I'm sorry about the thing with the hair. I just couldn't help myself." Rupert gestured to the bunk beside him. Edwyrd sat down, reclining against the windowsill so he wouldn't bump his head. As he sat down next to the boy, Rupert said, "Will you hold me? Father?" Edwyrd could hear the nervous trepidation in the boy's voice, fearing rejection.
The kid certainly knew how to make it rough on a person. Not wanting to get off on the wrong foot, in an already touchy conversation, he put his arm around Rupert's shoulder. Rupert leaned into Edwyrd, resting his head on Edwyrd's chest. Edwyrd sighed, no, this was not going to be easy.
"Do you know how long it’s been since someone held me?"
"Uh, no..."
"Well, actually I guess it was you a few days ago." Rupert said more sprightly, "until then however, it had been a long time." Rupert got quieter, and much more melancholy, "After I started changing, Mom no longer wanted to touch me." Rupert sniffed. "Then she died, and I was alone." Edwyrd groaned mentally, he'd better stop this soon, or he'd never be able to tell the kid the truth. He just didn't quite have the heart to interrupt. "I was afraid. So afraid I'd always be alone. That and be different. It was so hard. I mean the villagers were mean, made me feel like a monster, and then I had no one to turn to. All I could do was try and carry on. Try to find you.
"At times I thought it was a stupid, foolish thing. But I didn't know what else to do. Then when you showed up, it was like the entire world turned upside down. You'd come for me, like I knew you would. How many other fourth order demons could there be that fit your description and would just show up when I needed them." Rupert snuggle closer, his eyes closed. "When you carried me on the road, for the first time in my life, I felt safe.
"All my life, I'd lived in fear. My mother had let me know early on that I was demon-get, and that I could never tell anyone. Of course, I heard all the horror stories about demons and demon offspring. I didn't know what to think. My mother, she wasn't much help. She refused talk about you. She tried to be there, but even so, she sometimes seemed afraid of what I might become." Rupert sniffed. "She couldn't always help, but at least she tried, and then they killed her. Stoned her for 'sins of the flesh.' I managed to get her free, and we escaped, but she'd been wounded too much." Edwyrd could feel Rupert shaking, sobbing slightly.
"I don't know. I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't come. I don't think I could have held out much longer. I might have jumped off a tower or something. Of course, now I'm not so sure that would have done any good. It's so hard to live in a world where you're different. Where you have to live every moment in fear of discovery, fear that people will find out, and hate you for what you are." Tom grimaced, he had certainly been finding that one out for himself.
"I was the only person like myself I knew. I'd never really seen a demon before you, just drawings or paintings, and hints from what was happening to me. All I knew were the evil stories they told children and students. It's frightening to hear those stories and know they're talking about you, about your own people."
Tom, by this point, felt like shit. He knew he couldn't let Rupert go on believing he was the kid's father, but he'd have to be asshole of the century to say anything at the moment. Part of the problem was that Tom did understand. He'd had some similar thoughts very recently when he'd first gotten stuck in the demon business. He guessed he also knew a little bit about Rupert's loneliness.
While his stepfather had been around until recently, they’d never been super close. He'd always been busy with work, or as his mother later said, late night assignments with his secretary. Even before the divorce, his mother had also gone back to work. Trying to get her mind off what she feared was happening in her second marriage. Tom had spent years missing his real father after the explosion at the lab. A leak in a very large hydrogen tank and an electrical spark was all it took to take his father from him.
Rupert continued, "But then you came. Finally, someone I could lean on. Someone who knew, who understood. Who I could trust." The pit of Tom's stomach rolled, here the kid trusted him and Tom was effectively lying to him by not saying anything. "Someone who wanted me. Someone to hold me occasionally."
Tom gave Rupert a hug. The kid certainly knew how to guilt trip a guy, even if unintentionally. How could Tom say anything after this? Not tonight, maybe in a day or two, but not tonight. He gave Rupert a tighter squeeze, bringing his other arm around to pat Rupert's head. What was he going to do? As much as he hated it, he wasn't the kid's father, couldn't be, but how could he tell this to someone so dependent on him?
"I just need someone to be there for me now and then. Someone with whom I can be myself, who'll accept me for who I am. Someone to teach me, someone to talk to, who understands me and what I'm going through. Someone to be there."
That was another big part of the problem. Tom had never had anyone who depended on him. It actually felt kind of good. He'd never had someone who really looked up to him, someone to protect. Someone to care for. Who knew, maybe Tom was somehow wanting to be there for Rupert as a mirror for his own desires for more attention when he had been a child.
Good grief! Here he was getting all these weird paternalistic feelings all of the sudden. He'd never even thought about having kids. Only as one of those distant certainties in the future. Of course, he supposed that if he did have a kid, he'd want one just like Rupert. Strong, smart, independent, but who occasionally needed a hug. Needed support now and then.
Another log to the bonfire of my emotional instability, Tom thought. He really didn't know how to feel about this Rupert thing. He did care about Rupert, a lot. Rupert was in some ways the little brother he'd never had, or the son he might actually like to have some day. As a friend though, he owed Rupert the truth, even though it would surely hurt him. Tom felt sick about even deceiving Rupert by not saying anything. Yet the thought of crushing Rupert's dreams with the truth made him just as sick, or more so. What could he do? He leaned his chin down against the top of Rupert's head.
When added to his other uncertainties, about his humanity, about being a demon, when added to his still lingering anxiety about the death of his real body, and the pain it must have caused his mom, this whole Rupert situation only served to mess up Tom's emotions like a meat grinder. Tom realized suddenly, that maybe what really sucked about this whole Astlan thing, was not being a demon, it was not being enslaved, it was not just being hated by every rational creature; no, what really sucked was the confusion and uncertainty it brought to his life.
It was confusion and uncertainty about who he was, what he was doing and what was the right thing to do. He no longer knew his place in the world; he didn't know where he stood. If only he were Rupert's father, or at least older, maybe old enough to be Rupert's father. He was pretty sure if he was an adult, he wouldn't have this confusion, this uncertainty. He was sure he'd know what the right thing to do was. He'd be the sort of person Rupert really could look up to.
Tom shook his hand slightly as he cut it on the tip of one of Rupert's horns. From the texture of his skin, and the sudden lack of hair, Tom could tell that Rupert had relaxed back to his demon form. Luckily, Tom had raised his head or he'd have been stabbed in the chin by a horn. He could also tell because Rupert was a lot bigger now, and weighed more. Actually, Rupert was probably now bigger than Edwyrd. If Edwyrd were to change back into Tom, then proportions would return to normal, but there certainly wasn't room for that. As it was, Rupert's wings were brushing ag
ainst the overhead bunk.
He supposed that it must look a little strange for pasty little human to be holding and comforting a demon bigger than himself. Tom didn't really care though. As he'd been wishing others would understand, it wasn't the outside that mattered, but what was inside. What was inside was a confused and frightened little boy going through rough times. Someone who needed, and thought they'd found, their father.
Well, maybe for a while, Tom thought. For a while, he'd let Rupert have his father, or the next best thing. He didn't like the deception, and knew there would eventually be consequences for it, but for the moment, it seemed like the only option humanly possible. He stared off into the dark, gently stroking his "son's" head.
Chapter 58
Since Tom no longer slept, except when severely drained, he needed to find some other way to occupy his nights. Lately, he'd been trying meditation. One of the worst things about not sleeping was that one never had the chance to just escape from having to think about things. A person who didn't sleep couldn't escape to oblivion for a short while. In order to simulate this, and to preserve appearances with the humans around him, Tom had decided to try and meditate.
He'd learned the basic techniques in his Tae-Kwon-Do classes, he'd also used it several times already in Astlan to allow him to open the gates and to do the fire thing. Last night he'd blanked his mind completely while Rupert and Gastropé had slept. He'd just picture a completely blank state, and slowly try to relax all the muscles in his body. The problem, of course, was that unlike in his demon body where it worked fine, if he relaxed too much as Edwyrd, he'd find himself putting holes in the ship's walls. Eventually, with some practice he managed if not a completely satisfactory meditative state, at least one that allowed him to blank his mind a bit.
