"I won't say a word," I swear.
"I'm not worried about that. I know you won't. The reason we haven't told anyone is that this town is very small and word travels fast. I don't want my business mixed up with my personal life. It's one of the reasons I use a pen name. Yes, there are people here who know my real name, of course, but the police records aren't public. I was already well into my career when this happened and did whatever I could to protect myself from the public finding out. We didn't even go to the local hospital when I came back to Arrow Falls. I wouldn't let Parker take me there and begged for him to drive an hour south to where someone local might not see me. My books help me. When I can pour my emotions into the story I’m writing, I feel a little lighter. And when I can get lost in a world I create, all the better. My characters help provide me with an escape I so badly need."
I nod. "I can understand that. I read to get away from reality. Books give me comfort when things get bad."
"I'm sorry," Blair says quietly.
"Please don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. I was the one who didn't take the time to hear Parker out. I was horrible. If I would have listened then, everything would be different right now. I ruined so many things."
Parker comes up behind me. He wraps an arm around my waist as he offers a hand to Blair. She takes it and stands.
Pulling us all into a hug, he says, "We all have regrets. Let's not dwell on them. I love both of you with all my heart, though in very different ways."
I smile, and Blair laughs lightly. I'll never get tired of hearing him say he loves me. I've craved hearing those words all the while I was trying to put my heart back together. Maybe I did know, somewhere deep inside, that what I thought wasn't as it seemed, though I kept pushing that tiny inkling away. There was always a tortured part of me that wanted to be with him again, even with what I had seen. I hated that part for a long time. I knew I shouldn't want him in my life, but how do you let your first love go so easily? He plagued my dreams, both waking and sleeping. He was like a ghost, always following me around. I guess I never did get over him and that's part of the reason why I'm back in his arms. Because I finally decided to give him a chance to explain.
I vow to do all I can to move forward and not dwell on the past and the pain I endured. Now that I have the whole picture, what happened to me was nothing compared to what Blair went through. I want to be here for her as much as I can. I want to help her in any way. No woman should have to experience what she did. Not only did the man she loved hurt her unimaginably, but she lost a child. That pain, I can't begin to process all she's dealt with.
Just before we let go of one another, I say to Blair, "Regardless of what happens with Parker and me, you're going to have me in your life." I pull back and look into her eyes, where tears start to build again. "I'll never be able to turn back the clock and be there for you, instead of running away with accusations leaving my lips, but what I can do is be someone for you to lean on in the future. If you need anything, I'm here for you."
Twelve
Parker
I'm floored by what Tora said. She's not only accepting and processing everything that took place on that horrible day, but she's offering her friendship to Blair. I never thought it would happen. I hoped for it, yes. I meant it when I said I love these two women. Now, to take the time and try and mend my relationship with Tora. Just because everything is okay with her and Blair, doesn't mean we don't have work to do. I can't expect her to jump back into a relationship with me, as much as I'd love her to.
We stay at Blair's for an hour or so longer before her eyes start to close, and I realize the anxiety she was feeling about Tora coming over probably caused her not to sleep at all last night. She needs rest. I kiss her on the forehead and take Tora by the hand to silently urge her to follow me. It wouldn't be smart to bring Blair's anxiety up right now and cause her to have another panic attack. Sometimes talking about anxiety triggers anxiety.
Over the years, I've learned a lot about anxiety. Outside of what Blair and her doctors have told me, I spent hours on the computer, researching and learning as much as I could. Everything that I learned had the potential to help Blair or help me understand what she was going through. Anxiety isn't always something you see. A lot of times someone can be going through something difficult and you'd never know. They keep it tucked away inside. But that doesn't mean anxiety is something which should be easily dismissed just because it's not visible. Sometimes the internal pain is worse than anything external.
When we reach my Rover, Tora collapses against the seat and closes her eyes. I start my SUV, but I’m not sure if I should take her to get her vehicle or not. I want to spend more time with her. I want to spend every waking moment with her to try and make up for the years we lost.
"Where to now?" she asks.
I glance over at her and notice her eyes are still closed. I can't resist raking her over, etching every part of her to memory. God, I love those freckles. How I've missed kissing them.
She opens her eyes and her gaze meets mine. I've missed her so much. To have her back with me, her vanilla scent reminding me of the mornings we shared together, when she'd make French toast for us. Every time I ate it after she left, I'd be taken back to happier times before pain sliced through me at having her gone.
Her eyes soften. "What are you thinking about?"
"Breakfast. Remember how you'd make French toast in the morning? How we'd sit at the table and watch the sunrise?"
She smiles. "We always had a hard time sleeping when I stayed over."
"We were too busy to sleep."
I focus on the steering wheel and don't say anything else. I'm still unsure where she's concerned. I want to hug and kiss her. I want to strip her of her clothes and press my lips to every inch of her body. She's changed, and I want to commit the new her to memory. To override the past and focus on the future. We've both matured. There's only us now and the future is full of endless possibilities.
"I can take you home, if you want," I tell her.
"Do you want me to go home?" I shake my head. "Then let's go somewhere else." I'm selfish. I don't want to take her anywhere there will be a lot of other people. I want her all to myself. "Where do you live now?"
"I have a cabin in the woods."
"Can I see it?"
"Of course. Cy and Eve might be there. They have been living with me for a while now.”
"That's okay. They are a part of your life. If we are going to try at a relationship between us, we all need to get along." I smile, loving the fact she wants to talk to my friends since they are so important to me.
I pull out of Blair's driveway and make the drive to my cabin. Tora's eyes go wide when I park in front of my garage.
"This is your cabin?" she asks astonished.
"Yes," I chuckle.
"I was expecting this small log cabin nestled in the mountain. Not this. Although, I should have known better. You have the money. Might as well spend it." Tora knew how I made my money by selling an anti-virus software I created years ago. But did she know about anything I've done since?
I give her an inquisitive look. She blushes. "I may have read an article about you months ago. It talked about what you're currently working on." I remember the article. It was in a tech magazine. But how did she find it? Was she searching for me on the Internet? I smile that she still thought of me. If she's anything like me, she did so all the time.
"I love that you read the article." Her blush deepens. "Cy's truck is gone. Unless he left Eve at home, which I doubt, we have the cabin to ourselves."
Tora points at me. "Don't get any ideas. I didn't want to come over here so we could fool around."
"There's no fooling around where you're concerned. If and when we finally reunite, it will be me making love to you, rediscovering your body.”
My name leaves her lips in a breathy sigh. "Parker."
I shut my SUV off. "Come on. I'll give you the tour."
We firs
t do a lap around the outside of the house, so she can see the land and the tall trees towering overhead. Then we go inside, walk through the living room, dining room, kitchen, and I show her the bathrooms and bedrooms, leaving mine for last.
"And this is where I sleep," I say. She frowns and quickly turns for the door, but not before I grip her elbow gently. "Let me go, Parker."
"Why?"
"I don't want to see the bed you've slept with numerous women in."
I tug her toward me so she faces me. Using my finger, I lift her chin until her eyes meet mine. "I've never brought women back here."
She rolls her eyes. "Uh huh. Sure."
"I'm not going to deny I've been with other women while we were apart, but never once did they come to my home. This is where I live, where I feel the most comfortable. It's not a place to bring a casual fuck."
"You brought me here."
"You never were a casual fuck. You’re my first love. You’re my only love."
Her bottom lip trembles slightly, and I have to fight every urge in my body not to kiss her. Then she leans forward and gives me exactly what I want. Her lips meet mine, and holy fuck, it's like everything in my world is right again. At first, she's hesitant. Her hands lightly touching my chest, her lips only applying slight pressure on mine, but this taste of her isn't enough. I want more.
My hands go to her hips as I hold her in place and press my body to hers. It's been so long since I've felt her. Tora's lips part and it's all the invitation I need before my tongue goes in search of hers. Once they meet, God, it's the perfect kiss. Her hands glide up to rest on either side of my face so she can angle me to deepen our kiss. I bend to skate my palms down her thighs and lift her until those gorgeous legs of hers are wrapped around my waist.
I have her pushed against the wall in a matter of seconds. We don't break the kiss, only stay connected to get reacquainted with one another. We don't need to, however. Four years are gone in the blink of an eye. I find myself as turned on by her as I did the last time we made love. The heat of her body is meshing with my own and I'm hard as a rock against her.
Leaving her lips, I kiss a path down her neck as my hands mold to her ass, pressing her where I want her. What I wouldn't give to shed these clothes and sink into her. To find out if her body still feels as good wrapped around my dick.
She moans. "Parker, we have...oh, fuck that feels so good."
I nip at the skin along her shoulder while I grind my hips into hers. Finding her breast, I tease her nipple through her bra. She's writhing against me, rubbing herself along my length, and I can barely keep myself from coming. There has always been something about Tora that drives me wild with lust. My desire for her is a thousand times greater than for any other woman.
"You have to stop." Her breathing quickens. "Because if you don't, I'm going to strip you bare and ride you hard."
"Oh, God, sweetheart, please do that. I want you so bad."
I lift her shirt and pull the cup of her bra down to suck her nipple in between my teeth. She cries out when I gently bite her. Her nails dig into my shoulders. I want her to come. I want to capture her moans with my mouth, but damn, she wanted us to go slow and here I am pushing her further. With great effort, I release her nipple and lean back to catch my breath.
"Why did you stop?" she asks.
"You want to take this slow, and I’m taking advantage of having you in my bedroom."
"I know—but fuck—I want you."
"I want you, too, but I want to take my time. I want to bury myself inside of you and make love to you."
"I want that, too."
I hold her a few minutes longer, not wanting to let her go. She rests her forehead on mine and closes her eyes. "I can't believe I have you in my arms again," I tell her honestly.
"I know I said I wanted to take it slow, but I'm not sure how to do that. Having you so close to me, everything in my body is screaming for me never to let go of you. I want to pick up where we left off, minus that awful part, but I know we can't."
"You can take this at any pace you want, and I'll follow. I don't want to push you, but I do want to be with you. I want you to be mine again."
"I want to be yours."
"That settles it then," I say with a beaming smile. "No more dating Finn or any other fucker out there. You're all mine, Astoria Livingston."
"We were always meant to be together."
Thirteen
Astoria
How do I do this? How do I start over with Parker? He had me burning with desire in a matter of minutes. I tried not to let my mind fog over with lust, but with his hands and mouth on me, there wasn't a chance in hell my brain would win.
The shutting of a door cools my body like a cold shower.
"Cy and Eve must be home," Parker murmurs. "Are you ready to meet them?"
"I've already met both of them." I smile.
"Yes, but this is different. Now we're back on good terms, and you're in my home with your cheeks flushed and lip gloss smeared." Oh, fuck. I untangle myself from Parker and quickly dart into his attached bathroom to fix my lips. There's nothing I can do about my cheeks. Now that I'm looking at them, they only get redder at my embarrassment.
Parker comes up behind me and wraps his hands around my waist. “You're adorable when you blush.”
"Fuck off," I respond. "I hate blushing. It's like a big flashing light letting everyone know how I'm feeling."
"I think you notice it more than anyone else does. Well, maybe except for me. I always knew when you were embarrassed."
I turn in his arms and look up at him. His green eyes hold mine, and in them I see so much love. The same love that's been there since I came home. That doesn't mean I'm ready to tell him how I feel. Sure, he knows that I want to be with him, and want to start a relationship again, but I'm not ready to say I love him. God knows I do, though. I place a quick kiss on his lips. He takes my hand in his and leads me toward the kitchen.
My nerves officially set in. Sure, I knew Cy way back when and I met Eve the other day, but now I'm in Parker's home, holding his hand, coming out of his bedroom for fuck's sake. I doubt Cy has the best feelings for me. Eve, I'm unsure of. She doesn't know me, except for what Parker has said, and what she saw between us the other day. Then again, neither Cy nor Eve knows about what happened to Blair and I have to remember I can't let it slip what I know. I will protect her secret to the best of my ability.
Cy is wearing a pair of off-white shorts and a light blue polo. His dark hair is neatly combed back. The shirt only drawing more attention to his crystal blue eyes. I've always felt a little uneasy when he would look at me. There is something about his gaze that's still there today. Like he's silently assessing and judging me. He knows I hurt his best friend. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd have pure hatred for the person who broke my friend’s heart as well, but he doesn't know the full story. I need to cut him some slack and somehow get back in his good graces.
Cy crosses his arms; his stance is rigid. "What's going on?"
"Ease up, Revere," Parker says. "Tora and I are back together. Well," he turns to me. "We're working on a relationship."
"And what about everything that happened four years ago. It's all forgotten?"
I cut in. "It was a misunderstanding that's been cleared up. I thought Parker cheated on me. He, in fact, did nothing of the sort. I should have let him explain before I left for college, but my heart was shattered, and I couldn't imagine him saying anything at the time which would have made me believe him."
Eve steps forward, placing herself between Cy and me. Her hair is pulled up into a ponytail. Her makeup is light, not that I think she needs any at all. The soft pink dress she's wearing compliments her slender frame. I can understand what Cy sees in her. She's beautiful.
She takes my hands in hers and graces me with a bright smile. "Astoria, it's so nice to meet you finally. I know we met before, but I'm not counting that."
I return her smile. "It's nice to meet
you, too. I'm sorry about all that happened and didn't mean for you to get in the middle of it."
She drops one of my hands and waves her other one in the air. "It's already forgotten."
"Thank you and please call me Tori."
"Not Tora? I noticed that's what Parker calls you."
"And I’m the only one who does so," Parker says from my side.
Eve rolls her eyes then notices me peering over her shoulder. She glances at Cy. "Ignore him. He's just protective of his family."
Cy adds, "Parker and Eve are my only family. They are mine to watch over and make sure they are happy. You better not be here to cause more trouble."
Eve releases my other hand to turn to him fully. "Could you not?"
"I want to make sure Tori knows where I stand."
"Good God, everyone knows where you stand. Right in front of Parker and me. You're like a damn wall of pissed off man. Enough. Didn't you hear Parker say he's back together with her? Obviously, they've worked everything out. The details aren't yours to know. You just need to be supportive and mind your business." She spins back around to face me. "He means well, but sometimes comes across very harsh."
"It's okay. I understand him being leery of me. A lot has happened, and both Parker and I have changed. We're going to be getting to know one another again." I lean to the side to address Cy. "I'm not going anywhere. You can either deal with it or I'll be sure not to be here when you are. But I'm not leaving. At least not right now."
"What do you mean, not right now?" Parker asks.
I face him. "I still need to find a job. I'm going to take the summer to look for something, but I don't know where the job will be."
He forces a smile I’m sure he doesn't feel. "We can talk about this later."
We're only just starting a relationship again. I want to be with him, but need to think about more than that. He's not happy about the fact I could leave, but I don't want to keep anything from him and lead him to believe I'll live in Arrow Falls forever. Hell, I could. I could find a job in the city and commute from here, however, I haven't even started looking. For all I know there aren't any jobs open in the city for an editor. Parker needs to understand there is a possibility of me leaving for my dream job. We’ll find our way if we’re both willing to make this work. That much I have faith in.
Where I Am Page 8
