Start Over: A Novel (Start Again Series #2)

by J. Saman

  I have no idea what he’s doing or if he’s really that busy, or if he’s just blowing me off.

  But I think it’s strange all the same.

  On a different note, I did assist Craig with that hypoplastic left heart patient and it went swimmingly. I mostly looked on while he and another resident did all the work, but it was prodigious to watch. Craig was incredible in action, and though he hasn’t brought up our little conversation from the other morning, it’s been looping through my mind on constant replay.

  Tonight I have Kate and Claire at my flat, and because I don’t have work tomorrow, we’re drinking copious amounts of wine, and talking and laughing the way girls do. It’s wonderful. It makes me miss Sophia desperately. I can’t wait for my sister to come and visit me in Boston.

  “You must think I’m a raging alcoholic,” Kate says as she pours herself a glass of red wine. “I mean, every time you’re around me and we’re not working, I feel like I’m drinking.”

  I laugh, holding up my glass as evidence of my own debauchery. “Bloody oath girl!”

  Claire rolls her eyes at both of us, before sitting up straight and looking at me with an expression that tells me I don’t want to hear what she has to say. We’ve been discussing Luke for the better part of the evening. For some odd reason they wanted details, but when I casually mentioned that I haven’t spoken to him since he left, Claire started laying into me.

  “I don’t know why you’re so surprised that you haven’t talked to Luke since he left,” Claire says as she swirls her pinot noir around in her glass. “I mean, it’s typical sketchy ass Luke shit, right?” She looks to Kate for confirmation of this, but Kate just shrugs a shoulder.

  “What do you mean by that?” I ask, leaning back on my couch and feigning mild curiosity, though I doubt I’m fooling them.

  Claire gives out a rather unladylike snort. “Dude, Luke is the most secretive guy I know.”

  “Seriously?” I ask looking at both of them in turn. Claire is looking at me like I’m an idiot for not already knowing that and Kate just looks sheepish. “Please explain this to me.”

  “Claire–” Kate chimes in with a cautioning tone, but Claire just waves her away.

  “She should know, Kate. I mean, she’s screwing him, right?”

  Kate throws her hands up in the air like she tried to stop her and it’s all out of her control now. None of this is comforting me. Not even a little.

  “Luke never talks about himself unless it’s in vague generalities. Like, he’ll say he grew up in Oklahoma, but never elaborates past that. He’s worked with Ryan forever, but also carries two phones and leaves on ‘business trips’,” she puts air quotes around the words, “every so often that are not work sanctioned.”

  “So he’s not in New York for business?” I’m way too confused right now.

  “Not for Ryan’s company, and I have no idea if he’s in New York or not,” Kate says softly, sympathetically.

  “Wow, okay then.” I really don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to all of this, so instead of commenting further, I drink down the entire contents of my glass before refilling it. “Does Ryan know where he goes, or what he does? It’s not like he has a reason to lie about where he is.” Can you hear the apprehension in my voice? I sure as bloody hell can.

  Kate shrugs a shoulder. “Maybe, maybe not. If Ryan knows, he hasn’t told me. And as for being in New York, if he is there he hasn’t been in touch with Kyle, Ryan’s brother. They’re close friends. You’d think he would reach out, right?”

  “What the bloody piss am I supposed to do with this information? No one thought to mention this before I took up with him? Stupid men,” I snap, unable to hide my ire. “I mean, I sort of suspected he was dodging my queries, but is he a derro wanker or what?”

  “And a derro wanker would be?” Claire asks.

  I roll my eyes. “You know, a loser. Someone I should toss. Tell me true blue here, am I making a mistake with him or should I just ask him straight off about what he’s up to?”

  “Did you know that when you drink your accent becomes very thick and you use words and expressions we don’t understand? It’s not normally like that either. Normally your accent is subtler, so you’re throwing me off here,” Kate says with a smile, her eyes just as glassy as Claire’s—and probably mine too.

  “I will try to speak more American, but the accent I can’t do anything about.” I slap my hand down on my thigh in frustration, nearly spilling my wine. I don’t know why their validation of Luke’s shifty behavior is upsetting me like this. Probably because I was hoping I was reading too much into it. Because I fell in love with the stupid tosser and now I have confirmation that he’s off doing god only knows what, and the people he’s closest to in his life know nothing about it.

  “I don’t think you should get rid of Luke,” Kate says softly. “He’s a great guy. He really is. I know he has some private things in his life, but I’ve never heard him speak about anyone the way he does about you. He might be a touch obsessed—in the best possible way—so just be patient with him.”

  I nod, absorbing her words. The truth is, I’m not entirely sure what I’m feeling about all of this. I’m leaving in a week and he’s not coming with me. He may have hinted at genuine affection, but has maintained his fun, no-strings banter the entire time. I’m the hopeless idiot, falling for the guy while knowing the reality of our situation.

  I’m so resentful for allowing this sort of weakness in myself.

  “Or you could ditch Luke’s ass and screw Craig—who I happen to think is righteously fuckable,” Claire says. I’m blushing like a tomato because I haven’t told anyone about the conversation he and I had the other day. “That whole arrogant doctor thing gets me so wet.”

  “Jesus, Claire,” Kate hisses. “The last thing I want to think about is your vagina and its moisture.”

  “Bullshit, you love thinking about my vag.”

  Kate rolls her eyes and I do too.

  “Maybe you should screw him then?”

  “No can do, Ivy Pivy. He has zero interest in getting into my glorious panties. I don’t know what it is about you, but somehow you spin a spell over every guy you meet. Speaking of vaginas, yours must be made out of gold, or magic, or beer, or something, because men pine for you.”

  “I really don’t know how to respond to half the rubbish you spew, Claire.”

  She shrugs. “The truth is, you like Luke, so give him the benefit of the doubt and wait until he comes back and then talk with him. Or not,” she shrugs again. “I mean, you’re leaving in a week or so, right?”

  “Yeah, but . . .” But what? I take another sip of my wine, unable to finish my hanging sentence. But I was foolishly hoping for more, is what I was thinking. I’ve never needed a man before and I certainly don’t need that sort of distraction before I start my new fellowship. And Luke’s the epitome of a distraction. I was hoping he’d be simple and easy, but the deeper I get, the more complicated he becomes. And it’s not the relationship part that’s convoluted or problematic. That’s actually where things are gloriously effortless. It’s Luke that’s perplexing.

  No, I definitely don’t need a man.

  But I still want Luke.

  I take another sip of wine as I roll that around my brain. We’re already on our third bottle and I should stop while I’m ahead.

  “Did you know that Auburn is in love with Luke?” Claire asks with a knowing smirk, drawing me back to the moment.

  I choke on my wine, the alcohol burning the back of my throat. Auburn is not just a color, she’s Luke’s current assistant and she’s probably ten years his junior. “Really? Is that why she’s all cute and blushing around him?”

  Kate nods laughing. “It’s so adorable. Luke is totally clueless. Every time he tries to talk to her and make her more comfortable, she just gets more flustered.”

  Now we’re all in a fit of giggles because, well, we’re drunk and that seems to be what you do when you’re pissed
. You laugh over nonsense that really isn’t all that funny when you’re sober.

  “Not to bring up something uncomfortable here, but how have you and Ryan only ever been friends?” I ask Claire.

  She wrinkles her nose up in disgust. Her long red locks flow around her bright orange shirt that says, I like it like that. “Because neither of us is the least bit attracted to the other. He views me as a little sister, and he definitely plays the role of obnoxious big brother with me. He’s the ultimate cock-block.”

  “He really is,” Kate agrees. “Every time she tries to hook up with someone and he’s around he goes all, ‘what are your intentions with her’,” she says in a deep voice, mocking Ryan.

  “You’re all sort of a cheeky lot, aren’t you?” They both nod, grinning. I sit back, thinking on something that randomly pops into my mind. “And Ryan was never arrested when Luke was?”

  “No,” Kate says, crouching on her knees and leaning forward with the excitement of intrigue in her voice. Her platinum blonde hair is piled high on her head in a messy bun, which has partially come undone during our little drinking party. “The FBI arrested Luke like thirty seconds after he got into that bank site, but Ryan was already in and they never saw him.”

  “Interesting and a little odd,” I muse.

  Claire and Kate both shrug at me as they finish the last of their glasses and Kate lays down on the area rug, intrigue forgotten.

  “They must have been watching him or something. How else would they have been there so fast if they weren’t?” Kate mumbles, slurring half the words.

  She makes a very good point.

  “I guess, but I don’t remember the FBI looming about campus, and you’d think a regular SWAT team waiting for something to happen would be a bit conspicuous. Something like that would have been the gossip of the school, and none of the other people in the ring got arrested, did they?”

  Both of them bolt upright and stare at me with gaping jaws and wide eyes filled with astonishment. It really is adorable how they’re so much alike and yet so completely different.

  “You went to Caltech?” Claire asks with a high-pitched squeal.

  “Yeah? Didn’t you know?”

  They both shake their heads, again, in unison. “No, we didn’t freaking know that,” Kate says, equally as stunned by the revelation.

  “Didn’t know that at all,” Claire adds. “Did you know him then?”

  And now I blush like a grade-school girl with a crush. I blame the wine for that one, because there is no way I could tell a passable lie right now. That, and I figured Luke had spilled the beans to Ryan who had in turn spilled them to Kate and so on.

  “You, total slut,” Claire taunts as she gets up on her knees, pointing at me. “You slept with him, didn’t you?”

  “That explains so much,” Kate says shaking her head in bewilderment. “I mean, that’s why he wanted to walk you home that night and that’s why he went after you so quickly.”

  “Did you date him then or just screw his brains out? Was he any good? I always imagine Luke being good in bed, though I can’t explain why.”

  “Jesus, Claire, do you have any sort of filter?”

  “No.”

  “It was a one-night stand,” I explain, staring into the crimson of my wine. “We met in a bar and he came home with me, but he was gone before I woke up.” I take a small sip, before drawing my legs up onto the sofa and tucking them beneath me.

  “Dick,” Kate says and I point my finger at her because she’s spot on with that.

  Another thing he and I have yet to really discuss. That list seems to be compiling quickly. But that whole getting busted straight off after breaching the bank’s security? Yeah, something about all that isn’t quite adding up for me.

  “Was it before or after he got nailed?” Claire snickers. “Totally pun intended.” Then she starts to cackle, slapping her thigh and everything.

  “It was after, on both accounts,” I raise an eyebrow at them. “Just a few days, though I didn’t know anything about that when I met him, and he didn’t talk about it.”

  “So he did a dick and ditch, a fuck and fly, a jiggy and jog?” Claire asks.

  I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Who the hell comes up with things like this? Claire, that’s who.

  “How on earth did I manage before I met you, Claire? Honestly. You’re like the perfectly dirty equivalent of my mum.” My shoulders sag and I’m suddenly so very sad. “What am I going to do when I leave? Doctors aren’t this much fun to booze with.”

  “I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

  “You should.”

  “So answer the question, Ivy,” Kate continues, annoyed that we got off track. “Did Luke really do that?”

  “Yes. He did. Look, I don’t really want to talk about Luke or any other bloke for that matter. I’m a brilliant kick arse doctor,” I point at Kate, “you’re a brilliant kick arse nurse, and you’re the badarse mysterious assistant who really runs that place.” I finish with Claire. “Men are bloody superfluous.”

  We all raise our glasses, clinking them together before we finish off our wine. “Even though we’re doing that whole women empowerment not needing men thing,” Kate slurs, “I totally need Ryan to come and drive me home. I’m so drunk the room is starting to spin, and pretty soon I’ll be splatter-painting your walls and floors with red vomit.”

  “That’s colorful imagery right there, Kate, but I think I’m right there with you.” Claire says.

  “Did you know that I’m thinking about cutting back on my hours?” Kate slurs as she attempts to dial Ryan’s number several times before Claire snatches the phone from her hand and does it herself.

  “No,” I say, surprised, sitting a little more upright.

  “Yeah. I hate not seeing Ryan. Our schedules are so opposite and life’s too short to miss time with him.”

  I nod, aware that she’s quietly referring to missing her family that died in a car accident several years back.

  “Then I think cutting back on your hours would be the right call to make.”

  “Me too, Ivy. And if you marry Luke and I marry Ryan then we could be like non-related sisters or something.”

  Claire makes a noise that sounds like a cross between a snort and a burp. “That doesn’t even make sense, Kate.”

  “I know, but that’s not really the point, Claire. Stop pissing on my happy parade or whatever I have going on.”

  “I hate to be the one to break up this moment of love, but I’m not marrying Luke. I’m leaving next week. He and I are just having fun.”

  “You do know that no one really believes you when you say shit like that, right?” Claire gives me a dubious look and I can’t respond to that, so we all fall silent for a beat before there is a rather loud and demanding knock on my door.

  It takes me far longer than it should to reach Ryan, but when I do, I’m swaying and there are about two and a half of him, which is a bit unsettling really.

  “Jesus Christ, Katie. How am I supposed to take advantage of you when you’re this drunk?” Ryan asks cupping his fiancée’s face, looking at her like she’s the most incredible woman in the world. “Can you walk, love, or do I need to carry you?”

  Kate goes to smack his chest, but misses and swats at the air instead. “I can walk.”

  “That’s good, because I may need you to carry me, Ryan. I don’t even think I can get off the floor.” Claire starts to giggle, but instantly stops. “Oh no, I have to pee!”

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Ryan groans, running a hand through his inky hair. “Remind me to never let them over to your house again for a ‘girl’s night’, Ivy.” Ryan puts air quotes around the words. “Claire, I’m not carrying you to the bathroom so get your ass up and do your thing before you get in my car.”

  “Yes, sir,” Claire snickers and does somehow manage to pull herself off the floor, which is a good thing, because I don’t think I would be much help and Kate is practically
asleep standing up against Ryan’s chest.

  “Sorry about this. We got to chatting and did more drinking than I think any of us realized.” I have no idea if that came out as clear as I intended it to, but judging by the confused expression on Ryan’s face, I’m guessing it didn’t.

  “Whatever, it’s fine,” he says flippantly. “You should drink some water, Doctor. Don’t want a hangover.”

  “Is he really in New York?” I hate myself for asking, but I have to know and I have to see his reaction to my question.

  Ryan doesn’t say anything for a long beat, he just stands there staring at me.

  All two and a half of him.

  “You know what?” I shake my head, anger and regret oozing from my pours along with the gallon of wine I consumed. “Forget it. I don’t want to know the answer to that.”

  “Yes,” he quickly spews, answering me despite my retraction. But that’s all he says and I can’t tell if he’s lying or not. Damn stupid alcohol messing about my brain.

  “Do you know why he’s there?”

  Ryan looks down at Kate who is snoring against his broad chest, her mouth hanging open, fast asleep. He chuckles before kissing her forehead tenderly.

  “I don’t. He never tells me and I stopped asking a long time ago. I have my theories and assumptions, but they’re just that. I figure one day he’ll tell me and then I’ll know.”

  I sigh, holding myself up by leaning against the door. “I don’t know how to do that.”

  “Then you should ask him yourself, but don’t be hurt when he either lies or doesn’t tell you.”

  I snort and sway and almost fall over. Bloody hell! “That’s like trying to place a central line without advancing a dilator over the guide wire to dilate the soft tissue.”

  “You do know that I have no idea what that means, right?”

  I nod. “It’s not possible. But you’re right. I shouldn’t be hurt by anything he does or doesn’t do.”