I loved all of that, too, but it didn’t change that I wanted more. “Is that all you’ll ever want? No building a home together, making a family?” I didn’t need a ring, but I did need him. And in a way where he was fully present and in it with me.
Crosby stiffened. “I told you when we started this that I’m not a forever and picket fences kind of guy. It’s not what I want for my life. But I do want you.”
Pressure gathered behind my eyes. “I don’t care about picket fences, but I do care about forever.”
Crosby’s hands around me spasmed. “Can’t we just take things one day at a time? Why do you have to put all of this pressure on me all of a sudden?”
I stepped out of Crosby’s hold, his words stinging. “It’s not pressure. It’s telling you what I want, what I need. If you get to express what you want out of life, then so do I. But we have to be real with each other. What each of us wants might not match up.”
A muscle in Crosby’s cheek ticked as he rubbed the back of his neck. “This feels a hell of a lot like an ultimatum. Sign on the dotted line for marriage and babies, or you’re gone. How is that fair? I care about you, Kenna. I—”
Crosby stopped short, not finishing that thought. It was the symbol of all we were. He might love me. But he couldn’t say the words. He wanted me in his life. But he always had to have that escape hatch. It tore at something deep inside, not only for myself but also for Crosby. I had played the wishing game before, hoping that a man would change his ways. It hadn’t worked out well for me then, and I refused to do it again.
I reached out, lacing my fingers with Crosby’s, his rough palm against my smooth. The juxtaposition had always soothed something in me. I looked into his endless brown eyes. “Life is messy and terrifying, but it is also crazy beautiful. You taught me that. You showed me that my wreckage could be perfect in its own way, that all those little cracks in my soul just made me stronger, more beautiful. Truly and authentically me. You taught me what it means to truly live.”
I held his hands tighter, not giving him a chance to let go. “But even with all your striving to live life to the fullest, you’re only living a half-life.” Crosby’s hands jerked in mine, his eyes blazing. I just held on harder. “You repel down the side of a mountain but refuse to let yourself truly fall in love. You tear down trails that would give me a heart attack, yet you won’t let yourself have a family. You let people close but not all the way in. Not to where they have the chance to hurt you.”
It had taken me a long time to realize this truth. Crosby had always seemed so open, welcoming anyone into his circle, his life. But there was a wall around the core of who he was, and Crosby wouldn’t let that down for anyone.
“I let you in. Don’t say I didn’t.” Heat and anger lit Crosby’s features as he spoke.
I gave his hands a squeeze, silently begging for him to hear me, to understand, to let me in. “But not all the way.”
He tore his hands from mine. “Why can’t what we have be enough for you? I need the freedom I’ve built for myself, and I won’t give that up for anyone. Not even you.”
His words were a physical blow, landing in my stomach and chest. “I’m not trying to steal your freedom.” Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes. “I never want to chain you down. I just wanted to give you more life to experience.” Partnership. Family. But I wouldn’t force that on him.
Tears began to spill over now. Apparently, I was a crier, after all. “I don’t want to resent you. I don’t want you to hate me for putting pressure on you. And that’s exactly what will happen if we keep this up. Look at us, it’s happening already.”
And that knowledge broke my heart. I inhaled a shaky breath. “I love you, Crosby. I always will, but that means I have to let you go.” Each word cut as I spoke it, but it didn’t change the necessity of the release. “If we walk away now, we still have a shot at friendship.” God, it would kill to have him in my life but know that he wasn’t mine. But it would be far worse to pretend we were strangers.
“Friends? Are you seriously having the let’s-just-be-friends conversation with me right now?”
The anger in Crosby’s gaze was still flickering, but underneath, I saw the hurt. I swallowed hard. “I want you in my life. I don’t want to lose you completely.”
His hands fisted at his sides, knuckles going white. “Well, I’m not sure you get to make that decision.” Without another word, he turned and strode back towards his office.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Crosby as he walked away. Each step seemed to tug at the cavity of my chest a little more. I bit down on my lip, using the pain as a distraction, a reminder that I couldn’t run after him. If I did, I’d only be courting a greater heartbreak. And I wasn’t sure I’d recover from the one already tearing me in two.
45
Crosby
“God, you look pathetic.”
I glared at Hunter over my Guinness. “Thanks for that.”
Ford glanced up from filling a pitcher of beer. “He’s not wrong. You are looking a little rough.”
I knew they were right. I felt like death warmed over. But that’s what happened when you barely slept for three days. It turned out I’d gotten used to having Kenna’s body curled into mine, her adorable little snores and mumbles in her sleep. Now, all I had was my cold bed and sleepless nights.
Ford handed the pitcher to one of the new waitresses. “You rethinking your life choices?”
I popped a French fry into my mouth but barely registered the fried tastiness. I was rethinking everything. I’d been an asshole to Kenna when she ended things, and we hadn’t spoken since. I needed to make that right, but I knew that facing her would bring it all back. I wanted her more than my next breath, so why couldn’t I let myself go there? The minute I considered it, my chest tightened, and I couldn’t seem to get a full breath. Kenna was right, I was running scared. And didn’t that just make me feel like a pansy-ass?
Hunter held up his empty bottle to his brother, silently asking for another. “I think that quiet brooding over there is definitely a sign of some regret.”
“You two are worse than nagging grandmas. Hell, you’re worse than Penny.” She’s been harping at me to set things right with Kenna since the moment I walked back into the office and threw a stapler at the wall.
Hunter scowled at me. “I’m not a nag. I just know a good woman when I see one. And I know not to waste that shot.”
My hand tightened around my glass. Hunter knew too many good women. “You just don’t know how to hold on to them, right?”
He turned to face me. “Well, maybe it’s time I changed that. If I ask Miss Kenna on a date, should I take her to The Cove or Rocco’s?”
The fierce desire to throttle Hunter shocked the hell out of me. He was just giving me shit. But I knew that it wouldn’t be long before some asshole did ask Kenna out. Maybe that smarmy accountant she’d been dating would come back around.
“Uh, Hunt,” Ford started. “I wouldn’t poke the beast if I were you.”
“Why the hell not? Someone’s gotta make him realize he’s throwing away something good.”
I held up a hand. “Just stop already. It’s not meant to be.” The words tasted like the lie they were.
Bell sidled up to Ford, his arm going around her. “I should be pissed as hell at you. But honestly, I’m just sad. You’re missing out on something amazing.”
My chest constricted at her words. I was well aware of everything I was missing out on. It wasn’t the big things that were killing me, either. It was the little ones. Kenna’s grumbles as she woke up. The adorable bleary eyes she gave me until her coffee kicked in. The way she absentmindedly traced patterns over my torso as we watched tv. But most of all, I missed the sense of home I felt every time we were together.
I needed to get over my hang-ups. Figure out a way to have Kenna and my freedom. My ribs gave another painful squeeze. I needed her in my life in whatever way I could have her. Even if that meant just being
friends.
I met Bell’s probing gaze. “I’m going to make things right between us.”
Her shoulders slumped. “But not in the way they should be.”
“We’re too different. It just doesn’t work.”
Bell opened her mouth, but Ford gave her shoulder a squeeze, and she shut it again. I gave him a grateful look. I couldn’t take much more of this inquisition. “So, got any pie back there?” I’d barely touched my Reuben, the last thing I wanted was pie. But I’d do anything to steer us away from the topic that was currently ripping my insides to shreds.
* * *
I balanced the potted plant in one arm while holding the hazelnut latte in the other. This was dumb. No, what was worse than dumb? Idiotic? I kept walking anyway, rounding the corner from Main Street onto Bay. I could make out the little bungalow that was Kenna’s new work home. I couldn’t imagine a space better for her. It had that charming cottage feel and a killer view of the water.
My steps slowed as I got closer. Don’t be a pansy. I pushed forward and towards the front door. There was a wrought-iron post that jutted out over the entryway, and I could just imagine a sign hanging from it in delicate script with Kenna’s name. I turned the handle, and a bell over the door jingled as I pulled it open.
“Be out in a second.”
Just the sound of her voice had my nerve endings waking up from the deadened state they’d been in since I’d walked away from this woman. I glanced around the front room. It housed a desk and a couch, but it still looked like there was some work to be done. The walls needed art, and the space could use a few more chairs.
“Crosby?”
My head snapped in Kenna’s direction at the sound of my name. Her tone was a powerful swirl of emotions, joy and pain, hope and fear.
“Hey, Brown Eyes.”
Lids lowered over that amber gaze for the briefest of moments before rising again. “Hey.”
I swallowed, searching for the right words. “This place is perfect.”
Her mouth curved. It wasn’t the full, uninhibited smile I loved so much, but it wasn’t the false one either. It was something altogether new. It was authentic, I realized. Kenna wasn’t hiding. Her hair was tied back in a loose braid, but the strands held a wave she rarely let free. She wore jeans and a casual t-shirt instead of a more formal blouse.
“I got pretty lucky.”
“I’d say.” I wanted so badly to pull Kenna into my arms, inhale her scent, to feel that sense of home. “I brought you an office-warming gift.” I held out the potted plant. “Bell said you like these.”
Kenna grinned, taking the pot from my hands. Our fingers brushed briefly, and it sent a shot of energy up my arm. From the look on Kenna’s face, she’d felt it, too. “I do, but only because they’re one of the few plants I’ve managed to keep alive.”
I chuckled. “Hard to kill is a good quality to have in a houseplant.” I lifted the drink in my hand. “Thought you might need a hit of hazelnut to keep you going.”
She set the plant down on the desk. “You’re a godsend. I feel like I’m running on fumes at this point.”
There were dark circles under Kenna’s eyes, ones I hadn’t seen before because I’d been too distracted by her eyes’ amber glow. “Can I help with anything?”
She accepted the offered latte and took a sip, letting out a little moan that went straight to my dick. “This is helping more than you know. And don’t you have court?”
I felt like the world’s biggest asshole in that moment. I hadn’t even kept Kenna up-to-date on the case. “The judge is ruling tomorrow.”
Kenna had stayed away from court for the past three days, but closing arguments had been made this morning, and Judge Moore had told us he would rule tomorrow. Hotchkiss had made a compelling statement to wrap things up, but I was still hopeful.
“Wow, I can’t believe this might finally be over. What time?”
“Nine a.m. Do you need a ride or anything?” I wanted her to say that she did. Any excuse for a little more time with her.
Kenna shook her head. “I can take my car. Or Bell or Caelyn might want to go, too.”
I wasn’t in her trusted circle anymore. I’d wanted to be the person who never let her down. I’d failed completely on that account. But maybe I could prove to Kenna that I was worth having in her life, even if it wasn’t in the way I wanted. “I’m sorry.”
She blinked a few times. “For what?”
“Being an ass on the beach the other day. You deserve to be happy. To have everything you want. I just wish I could be that guy for you.”
46
Kenna
“I’m sorry. He said what?” Bell dropped her spoon into the open container of ice cream.
I worked at my cookie dough with my spoon, trying not to let the tears escape. “He said that he wished he could be that guy for me.”
“Holy swoon, Batman.” Caelyn collapsed against the couch. “That is so romantic.”
Bell pointed her spoon at Caelyn. “It’s not romantic. He needs to get his shit together and be that guy for her.”
“He’s not there yet.” He might never be. But I did have hope that if Crosby ever got to the place of wanting more, he’d let me know.
Bell turned to me. “And where does that leave you? Waiting around, hoping he’ll pull his finger out of his butt and realize that you aren’t his bitch of an ex, and that building a life with you isn’t living with a ball and chain?”
Caelyn screwed up her face. “Why is his finger in his butt? I really don’t get that saying.”
“Ugh, it doesn’t matter,” Bell groaned. “What matters is that he’s still stringing Kenna along. She needs to move on and find someone worthy of her.” Bell glanced at me. “Just not another snooze-fest accountant, okay?”
I grimaced down at my ice cream. I did not want another Henry. I wanted Crosby. And I had a feeling that no other man would ever make me feel alive in the same way, cared for and safe, but without clipping my wings. “I’m not looking to jump back into the dating pool anytime soon.”
Bell sent Caelyn a look. “She’s still holding out hope.”
“Wouldn’t you?” Caelyn argued. “Crosby is perfect for her.” She turned to me. “I really think he’s going to come around. Just give him a little time to realize what he’s missing.”
“Don’t listen to the hopeless romantic. You need to move on. You know how the saying goes, the best way to get over one guy is to get under someone else,” Bell argued.
I cringed at the thought. Every cell in my body revolted at the idea, and I started to feel a little nauseous. “Don’t push, Bell. I need to heal in my own way, in my own time.”
Bell groaned. “She’s going to become a hermit.”
“I am not. I’m setting up my new business. I have you, Caelyn, and the kiddos. I’ve even started to come around on that sketchy Ford character.”
Bell snorted. “Who would’ve thought we’d ever see the day?”
I felt a trickle of guilt at the reminder of how tough I’d been on Ford when he came back to town. He loved my best friend with a ferocity I hadn’t thought possible. “I think he’s worth keeping around.”
My stomach twisted again. This time, I felt like I was sailing on an especially rough sea. I set my ice cream down, taking a deep breath in through my nose and letting it out of my mouth.
“Kenna, are you okay?” Caelyn was instantly by my side.
“I’m not feeling so good all of a sudden.” I was clammy, and the nausea was only getting worse.
“Come on, let’s get you to the bathroom, just in case.” Caelyn helped me to my feet, Bell taking my other arm to steady me.
“Geez, you were fine a second ago. What brought this on?” Bell asked.
“I don’t know.” It might’ve been all the talk of moving on from Crosby, my body’s way of vetoing that idea, but I didn’t want to admit that to Bell.
As soon as we were in sight of the bathroom, my gut pitched. I hurried i
nside just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Bell held my hair back as I heaved. I heard water running and then felt a cool cloth being placed on the back of my neck.
When there was nothing left in my stomach, I sat back on my haunches, flushing away the evidence of my sickness. God, I felt awful.
Caelyn looked worried. “I hope you don’t have the flu. Maybe it’s food poisoning. What have you had to eat in the past day?”
I thought back, searching my mind. “Nothing out of the ordinary.”
Bell was quiet as she stared at me. “You’ve been sleeping more than normal too, lately.”
“I guess so.” I had been tired recently, needing a little nap in the afternoon or going to bed super early. But that made sense with everything that had been going on. I was worn down. Emotionally and physically.
Bell’s lips pursed. “I think we need to get you a pregnancy test.”
“What? No. There’s no way.” My brain was going a million miles a minute. My period had never been exactly regular, so there was no point in tracking it. But it had been longer than usual since I’d had one… “No. It’s not possible. I’m on the pill. We used condoms.”
“Every single time?” Bell pressed.
“Yes.” Every single time—except that once in the shower. “Shit.”
Caelyn pushed to her feet. “The grocery store is still open for another thirty minutes. I’ll be back in ten.”
Blood rushed in my ears, making me feel like I was in a tunnel. “People will talk if you buy a pregnancy test.” It was one of the curses of living on a small island.
Perfect Wreckage Page 25
