by Lianne Simon
Melanie waves her hands and backs away. “No way. You know what that thing costs?”
“I missed five years of Christmas gifts and birthdays presents. Let me do this.”
Emerald eyes search my face, hesitant to believe.
“At least consider it. Please?”
Her tender eyes search mine before she agrees.
I stand behind Melanie as she adjusts the strap. In the mirror, wonder spreads across her face. I wrap my arms around her waist and grin at her reflection. “Worth every last penny to see you smile.”
When she turns around, my hand strays to the locket at her throat. I brush a fingertip across the silver heart. “I wish I’d kept—I’m sorry.”
Tears break free and run down Melanie’s cheeks. She slinks her arms around my waist and kisses me. On the lips. After a long embrace, she releases her grip and stumbles backwards, eyes wide. “Whoa. Sorry. I didn’t mean to, you know. I’m not into girls.”
My arms tremble in protest at the loss of her body against mine. Disappointment struggles to displace an unexpected joy. “I’m glad you like the purse.”
With a shaking hand, I give my debit card to the cashier.
On the way out, I talk Melanie into a new dress as well.
Melanie
Monday morning arrives way too early. I slap my stupid alarm clock and pull away from Dani. She moaned on and off all night, like some little kid who lost her mommy. For a moment, I consider letting her sleep through her appointment.
What kind of friend lets somebody cut off body parts?
Me, I guess.
I shake the girl awake, point her toward the bathroom, and remind her not to eat or drink anything.
My hand goes to the locket Dani gave me so long ago. Does Ethan appreciate what all his fiancée is doing for him?
After I get dressed, I check on the girl, only to find her staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She mumbles something about the circus. The nurse gave her meds to take the night before surgery. She said the pill would calm her nerves. Well, yeah. Guess so.
I grab her bathrobe and help her get dressed. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
“No freaks.” She stumbles into the bedroom, picks up her handbag, and dumps its contents on the floor. “No boy with breasts. No girl with a big clitoris and a little vagina.”
From the pile she hands me an envelope. “Tell my parents I love them.” She shakes her finger under my nose. “No freaks.”
The envelope contains a medical power of attorney and a note. In case something goes wrong with my surgery.
I stuff the papers into my bag and kneel to gather everything else into Dani’s purse.
Mom parks the car and walks with us to the front entrance of the clinic. “You sure you don’t want me to stay with you? I can take off work, you know.”
“Thanks. No. We’ll be okay.” Dani’s hand is crushing mine. I kiss my mother goodbye.
Disappointment flashes in her eyes. As she turns to go, I grab her elbow. “No. Wait. I want you beside me when I wake up.”
Her face brightens, and she hugs me. “Sure.”
The nurse checks me and Dani in, hands us gowns, and leads us to a patient room. I check my wristband again—Melanie Rose Fairbairn. Good. I don’t need them removing any of my body parts. A few eggs maybe, but that’s all.
Still in her robe, Dani plops down on one of the beds. She lies there and plays with her wristband. A glance at my watch tells me the doctor will arrive any moment, so I hand her one of the gowns. “You can still back out.”
Dani gazes up at me, eyes hollow. “Please stop. I need your help to get through this.”
Shake her, slap her, scream—would anything work? I clench my teeth and turn my head away. “Time to put on your gown then, Miss Danièle.”
The girl stands and hugs me. “Thanks for being here.” As she strips down to nothing, her motions slow, like some wind-up toy running out of energy. A tear runs down one cheek.
Naked, she looks like a marble statue of some Nordic princess. Well, except between her legs rests her little post—that thing so offensive to the world—shaped like a clitoris, but more than an inch long.
You’re gorgeous. Why do you wanna screw up your body with surgery? I bite my lip to keep from swearing at her, and help her put on the hospital gown.
Dani flinches when somebody taps on the door post. A nurse walks in. “Miss Welles, if you’ll lie down, I’ll put in your IV line.”
A tremor runs through her, but Dani lies on the bed and stretches out her arm. I perch beside the girl and grab her other hand. Slow-motion terror flows out of her eyes. Neither of us blink till the nurse finishes.
A few minutes later, Dr. Pierson arrives. “Any questions or concerns before we get started?”
Yeah! Who says a clit can only be so big? I know better than yelling at her, though. For once, a doctor’s only doing what the patient wants. And screaming at the girl seems pointless.
“Let’s get this over with,” Dani says. A weak smile passes across her face.
“Very well.” Dr. Pierson perches on a chair beside the girl. “Before they perform the orchiopexies, they’ll shave your pubic area. I’ve asked them to put you under anesthesia first, but I didn’t want you to be surprised when you regain consciousness. All right?”
Dani nods at the doctor. I dig out the girl’s legal paper. “If anything isn’t right in surgery, I want to know.” Though I’ll probably be unconscious.
Her eyes flick to mine. “Of course.”
When they’re ready, the nurse rolls Dani’s gurney out the door.
What is wrong with you, girl? I slump on the remaining bed, roll over, and cry out my stress. Why should I care? It’s your body—your life to wreck.
One hand wanders down to my abdomen. Two weeks of shots have left my ovaries sore and my abdomen bruised. And yet—and yet my emotions have quieted from daily explosions to a steady burn.
Somebody knocks on the door frame—the nurse with the cart again. I lie back down on the bed. They’re grabbing a few eggs. That’s all. I’ll still have time to change my mind about the pregnancy, won’t I?
Dr. Pierson said we might get as many as six embryos. She can freeze the extras, but I don’t wanna leave any of my babies to die in storage. And I’ll never have the money to rescue them. What am I gonna do?
Chapter 10
Danièle
Well, I appear to have survived. The haze clears enough for me to recognize Mrs. Fairbairn.
“How are you?” She brushes the hair from my eyes.
Nothing hurts. Yet. “All right. How’s Melanie?”
“Fine. She’s resting. Sharon—Dr. Pierson says the egg retrieval went well. Oh, and Ethan called to see how you were.”
Mrs. Fairbairn speaks in quiet tones with someone else in the room. A truck rumbles by outside. Footsteps pass in the hallway.
Sensations awaken as the shadows of anesthesia fade. Incisions whisper pain along both sides of my groin. Pressure swells my lower abdomen. Soft throbs of discomfort press against my tailbone, a relentless distraction from the dark sea of nausea between my legs.
I arch my back and find temporary relief on my side.
“Should I call a nurse?” Mrs. Fairbairn leans close. The empathy on her face reminds me of Melanie.
“No.” I ease onto my back again, this time with both hands under my hips. Perhaps if I hold my breath. I raise my knees and spread my legs. That proves a little better. My back arches again. A snicker twitches through the pain in my gut. Oh, yes. Now here’s a dignified position.
Dr. Pierson strides into the room. “How’s my favorite patient?”
“A mite bit uncomfortable.”
“Normally I’d recommend sitting up. Perhaps standing would be better.”
Less weight on my rear—an excellent idea, that. I roll on my side and stick both legs over the edge of the bed. Dr. Pierson and Mrs. Fairbairn help me pivot upright. My feet hitting the flo
or jars a dull pain through my gut. I stand on tiptoes for a moment before easing down, like someone entering a hot bath. “Standing’s a definite improvement.”
Dr. Pierson nods. “I suspected it might be. Are you up for a walk?”
“I think so.” I shuffle across the room and down the hallway with Mrs. Fairbairn holding my arm. The tightness in my gut eases somewhat. Muscles relax. The pain mellows to a steady discomfort, as though I bruised my tailbone.
Melanie ambles toward us in blue jeans and a T-shirt, but stops an arm’s length away. Her cheerfulness fades as she studies my face. “I’m sorry.”
Perhaps she fears hurting me. I grab her hand and pull her close. “Why? The egg retrieval succeeded.”
Tears gather in the corners of her eyes. “Yeah. That part went okay. I meant your other stuff.”
Mrs. Fairbairn sends a kind smile my way. “I’ll leave you two alone.”
Tears trickle down Melanie’s face. Every drop rends my heart into smaller bits. I pull her into a tight embrace, in spite of my abdominal pain. “Please don’t cry.”
Agony dims the life of her emerald eyes. “A true friend would never have let you cut off body parts. No matter what.”
I burrow into her cinnamon tresses and press my lips against her ear. “Want to know a secret? I changed my mind. I still have all my bits.”
She pushes away. Flames burst from her eyes. “And you didn’t tell me? I was worried to death about you!” Her fist lashes out against my shoulder.
The muscles in my abdomen contract. Pain ripples upward from my tailbone. Not that she hit me hard, but some muscle flinched at the unexpected assault. Hands on my knees, I wait for the echoes to die out. Time to lie down again.
Melanie lets out a soft wail. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Let me help you back to your room. You okay?”
I kiss her on the cheek and trudge on down the hallway.
Dr. Pierson greets me at the door, thanks Melanie, and helps me lie down again. “Walk as much as you like, but please ask someone to help you in and out of bed.”
She tugs the privacy curtain closed and sits in a chair next to me. “All of your procedures went well. Dr. Nguyen performed your orchiopexies, labial surgery, and the Davydov vaginal repair.”
Her eyes scan my face a moment before she continues. “We found intratubular neoplasia in your biopsies, so Dr. Nguyen removed your right testis to preclude gonadal cancer. The good news is that gave us a much larger tissue sample. We harvested sufficient gametes to perform intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection on all of the ova we retrieved.”
My sperm and Melanie’s eggs. I’m a father. And still a girl. Always will be.
Won’t I?
She pats me on the arm, once again the gentle grandmother. “Rest. You should be ready to go home in the morning. Do you want anything for the pain?”
“Yes.”
“All right. I’ll have a nurse bring you something.”
“Thanks.” After a short talk with Mum, and a text message to Ethan, I curl up on my side and abandon myself to dreams of my new family.
Melanie
Saturday morning I wake before the alarm. Embryo transfer—five days since they took my eggs. Dr. Pierson gave me a bottle of progesterone capsules and some long-winded explanation as to why I had to take them. All I know is they make me sleep straight through the night. Every time. I breathe deep of the cool air and stretch my arms. Life is good.
After two restless days, Dani went back to the clinic to have her stupid packing removed. The surgeon apparently stuffed her vagina full of gauze or something. She said taking it all out hurt worse than the surgery. She’s napped like a cat in the sunshine ever since. I can almost hear the girl purr.
My hand creeps up to the locket at my throat. Today I give away my virginity. I click open the silver heart and brush a fingertip across the photo inside. I keep my promises, Dani.
I slip on my robe and pad into the kitchen to set the table for breakfast. Mom joins me a few minutes later. “So. The big day. Are you excited?”
“Yeah.” My eyes wander across the kitchen toward my bedroom. “Ethan’s not a jerk or anything, is he?”
My mother pulls me into a hug. “Don’t worry about him at all, honey. Keela assures me that Ethan’s a wonderful person.”
Yeah, but how well does she know the boy?
Dani wanders into the kitchen. She stretches her arms above her head and yawns. We grin at each other. No way my best friend would ever marry a loser.
Mom drives us to the clinic. She says she wants to be present when her daughter gets pregnant. She doesn’t work most Saturdays anyhow, so it’s not like she has to take the time off.
The nurse who leads us to Dr. Pierson’s office hands me a pill and a bottle of water. “The medication’s to help your muscles relax. You’ll need your bladder full during the procedure, so drink as much of the water as you can and wait until afterward to void.”
Muscle relaxer and a full bladder? Not good. I collapse into my usual chair. Glad I didn’t drink anything at breakfast.
Dani’s phone chirps. She glances at the display and walks out into the hallway.
Yeah. Probably another message from Ethan.
Mom studies my face, the way she always does when she’s gonna start some conversation she thinks I might not be mature enough to handle. After a glance at the empty doorway, she puts her hand on mine. “Keela asked if you’d stay on as your child’s nanny—at least until Danièle finishes college. You do want to, don’t you?”
“Dr. Pierson’s psychologist says a clean break is better. I need to accept that the baby will belong to Ethan and Dani.”
“Honey, separation anxiety and depression come from giving up your child. Danièle won’t make you leave. Wouldn’t you rather stay?”
“Well, yeah.” Any excuse to keep my baby. And be near Dani.
“Would you leave once Danièle graduates?”
Lose my toddler and my best friend both? “Not if I don’t have to.”
“You’d spend the rest of your life with her, then?”
Outside, an early morning shower struggles in vain to overpower bright sunshine. I’d have to leave Dani and my child behind if I married. “Yeah. Guess so.” Does it matter? I’ll probably never meet the right guy, anyhow. Not working as a nanny.
“Would you stay if Ethan left?”
“Well, yeah.” Leave Dani to be a single mom with my kid? Ain’t gonna happen.
Something troubles my mother’s eyes as they wander from my face down to—down to my locket.
Yeah, Mom, I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with Dani. But just because I’m having a baby for her doesn’t mean I wanna sleep with the girl. “I love her, Mom, but not that way—she’s not a boy.”
“She’s not a girl either, honey.”
“Mom, please don’t—” The sound of footsteps cuts off my thought.
Dr. Pierson walks in, deep in quiet conversation with Dani. The doctor motions for the girl to be seated. “In a moment, we’ll select an embryo for transfer. We harvested fifteen eggs. Four embryos survived. I recommend we use one and cryopreserve the remainder.” She glances at Dani and at my mother, but her eyes rest on me. “Two would increase the chance of success by perhaps five percent, but multiple pregnancies are riskier for the mother.”
Twins are good. Well, better than going through another stupid IVF cycle. “What happens if I don’t get pregnant?”
“We’ll transfer the others.”
No way am I gonna screw up the surrogacy. “Can we do them all?”
Dr. Pierson’s gentleness returns. “Not today. But you’re healthy enough to risk twins. Shall we select two?”
“Well, yeah.”
Dani nods. Mom only grins.
The doctor switches on a wall monitor, picks up the phone, and dials. “We’re ready. Two blastocysts for Fairbairn and Welles.”
On the monitor, some geek in a white lab coat walks up to the camera and hol
ds up a glass tray. Mom and Dani are talking, so I get up to take a better look. A label on top reads Fairbairn Ova, Welles Orch R. Dr. Pierson glances at the monitor and nods. “That’s the one.”
The guy sets the tray under some microscope gizmo. A moment later, the video switches to a closeup of four round cell blobs.
Dr. Pierson gives me another of her grandmother smiles. “Which one would you like?”
My heart stutters. I grab the locket at my throat and gape at Mom. Her eyes send only love. I get to choose my baby? My gaze drifts back to the screen. I want them all.
Four little round blobs—almost faces to my imagination. How’s a mom supposed to choose among her kids?
“This one.” I press my finger against the screen over the smallest one. A bit out of round. Different from the rest. Will she even survive if I don’t pick her?
Dr. Pierson speaks into the phone, and a thin glass tube sucks up my little girl. The doctor waves Dani toward the screen. “Your turn.”
The girl studies the remaining three blobs for some time before indicating one.
After the technician finishes, Dr. Pierson switches off the monitor and turns to me. “If you’re ready, we’ll do the transfer.”
Up to now, pregnancy’s been a dream. My gaze shifts back to Mom. Her face shines with tenderness. Will Dani and I spend our lives together? Leaving our children behind would kill me. Someday I’m gonna regret this. But at least I’ll be happy till then.
Dr. Pierson leads us to an ultrasound room—the same one we used for the mock transfer. Everybody waits outside while I change into my hospital gown.
After I open the door, I get all comfortable on the table, and put my feet into the stirrups. Dr. Pierson drapes a cloth over my knees. A moment later, the ultrasound technician arrives. She greases up a probe and slides it over my abdomen till she has the image she wants.
Dr. Pierson nods. “I’m going to insert the catheter. Let me know if you experience any discomfort.”
Dani squeezes my hand and grins encouragement. On the practice run, I was all tense, my muscles tight. This time my whole body relaxes.
The technician points at the screen. “Through the cervix.”
