We gathered around the table, and after a prayer, we all began eating, most of us silent besides the kids and their laughter.
“So you’re his parents?” My mom pointed to Jace as she stared at Judie.
Poor Judie and Wade — they looked incredibly uncomfortable, as did everyone else. I felt like crying, and when I looked across the table at Lauren, I got the feeling she finally understood why I didn’t want Georgia here.
“Yes,” Wade replied when Judie didn’t.
A small quiet woman, calm but firm, no one spoke when she did. No one interrupted her, even the loud Ryan boys. Kasey commanded respect the same way his mother did, and Jace was quiet but firm, just like her. But right now, she said nothing.
Afraid to look up, I kept my head down, my attention only grabbed when Jayden, who was sitting on my lap, would take pieces of my food and give them to Smoke, who waited eagerly under the table.
“Jayden, stop feeding the dog,” Jace whispered, sitting next to me.
“My God, how many kids do you have?” Georgia snorted.
“Two.” My voice was barely above a whisper. I thought for sure if I spoke up, she’d hear the crack in my voice and know I was moments away from crying.
I just wanted a family dinner. One where I could try to make Jace see what we had, surrounded by family friends, and get him to open up to me. But no. This was what we had. My drunk mother offending everyone.
“Has Ridley gotten back in touch with you? He mentioned you guys were going to lunch someday soon.”
Jace dropped his fork. The sound made me jump, but I was quick to defend myself. “I only saw Ridley that one time in my shop. And I never agreed to go anywhere with him.”
As if I had said nothing, she continued, despite Jace’s clenched jaw. I could literally feel him vibrating beside me. “Ridley’s a good guy. You should give him a chance again, Aubrey.”
Did she really just say that?
“No,” Jace said, his voice calm but final. “She shouldn’t give him a chance.”
“So, Lauren, do you do anything with your life besides watch kids? What about the dad of that one?” She didn’t even know his fucking name.
Don’t punch your mother. Don’t punch your mother.
“I take online courses with the local college and I watch the kids during the day.” Lauren looked at me and reached for her wine. “And no, Kyle’s not really a part of his life.”
“His name is Gavin,” Kari piped in. “In case you didn’t know.”
My mom didn’t even look in her direction.
Now you understand when I say my mother’s a real piece of work?
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Is this woman for real?”
Sadly, this was the way she’d always been.
When Georgia reached for the wine and poured herself a glass, and another for the stinky hobo next to her, I knew exactly where the night was heading, and I was pissed. Beyond pissed.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
Gracie, the poor little thing who’d gotten stuck next to my mom, looked at her and then me, probably wondering who the fuck she was. I’d never introduced the two of them, and frankly, I didn’t see the need right now.
I just wanted this dinner to end.
Here’s something I should point out. Georgia was an angry drunk. Always had been, and, like I said, I knew once she started drinking, what had already been said would just keep coming.
She stared at me, remembering my faults, probably wondering if I still had the same ones. She was looking for an angle, a way to get me to fall victim to her ways. Only I wouldn’t this time.
It was stupid. Everything was. Why she was here? What did she want? It was just stupid. Leave it to her to think we’d actually help her again.
My eyes dared to drift to Jace. His hand found his hair, frustrated as he watched my mother with a deep sigh.
“You really should give Ridley a chance.” Georgia said again. She was trying to fuel the fire, giving it all the oxygen it needed. “He’s working on a fishing boat and trying to make something of himself. He’s changed — we have all changed.”
“No . . . ” I sighed quietly, knowing Georgia had no idea how hot these flames she was fueling could become. “You haven’t changed. And I doubt he has, either.”
This was awful.
Wade and Judie were trying their hardest not to be involved and kept up their conversations at the end of the table with Denny and Shanna. Kasey and Kari watched us, Jace was staring at my mother in disbelief, Lauren was practically crying, quietly, and then the kids . . . they were playing with their food and paying no mind to any of us.
“Yeah, you and your sister are doing so much better!” she said, pointing at us.
Maybe we weren’t doing all that great, but she wasn’t the best person to be pointing out our vaults.
“Don’t make a scene.” I reached for my wine, my frustration ratcheting.
“What the hell is that smell?” Gavin asked, looking up from the mashed potato mountain he’d made.
No one paid any attention to the poor kid aside from Kari. “Someone’s butt crack.”
Lauren looked at Kari, dumbfounded. Judie must have sensed the conversation changing and took Gavin, Gracie, and Jayden into the kitchen with her. “Mommy made you cookies in there,” she said quietly to them, drawing their attention from us to the sugar.
Jace snorted, the sound a little more agitated as he looked up, never meeting my eyes, but rather stayed focused on my mother.
“Don’t make a scene?” my mother repeated, blinking, and then laughed. “I don’t understand you, Aubrey. You leave to get a better life, and look at you now, two kids and no ring. What does that say about you?”
I was too shocked to reply.
Jace wasn’t.
“All right, that’s enough,” Jace said, his body tensing. “Don’t put your bullshit on her.”
“Stay out of this, Jace,” she said, regarding him for the first time.
“Fuck you! I won’t stay out of it. This is my apartment, and Aubrey is . . . ” He paused. I caught the hesitation. He didn’t know what I was to him.
“She’s not your wife,” Georgia had the nerve to say.
“Get out.” He slammed his fist down on the table, rattling the glasses. “Get the fuck out now before I throw you out.” She didn’t move. “I mean it, get the fuck out!” He stood, pointing toward the door in an aggravated jab.
“Jace Kenneth Ryan!” Judie scolded her son, her head peeking around the corner. “Don’t speak that way to a woman.”
He glared at his mom, as if he was about to say something to her, and then stopped.
What a fucking nightmare.
My mother’s mission in life, I swear, was to interfere with mine.
My mother stood. “Well, if that’s how you feel.”
Reaching for the wine in her glass, she finished it and removed herself from the table. Without another word, she left with Allen, leaving behind a stench in the air.
And I started crying.
Jace planted a kiss on my head. I could feel him looking down at me, his breath on my face, and then he walked into the kitchen where the kids were. I didn’t say anything, nor did I move from my place at the table.
Shanna and Kari got everyone sidetracked and moving on from what had just occurred as I moved from the table to my room, where I intended on staying the rest of the day. I didn’t want anyone seeing my ugly cry.
Jace was there within a minute. Soothing me, he brushed away my tears with his knuckles. “I’m sorry,” he said, drawing my eyes to his.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
He nodded, not convinced. His gaze lifted from my mouth to my eyes. “I’m sorry because you don’t deserve that. I know it was embarrassing for you.”
Finally he understood something.
I cried a little harder, the emotion of what had just happened, and what was happening between us, taking over.
>
His arms were immediately around me. “Aubrey . . . ” His sigh and look of sympathy had done me in. And then he whispered what I needed to hear, his lips pressed softly to my forehead. “Don’t let her win. Be stronger than her.”
He always knew my mother got to me in ways I couldn’t explain, and the fact that he was here for me tonight, in a way I needed, gave me hope we could make it through this.
When I walked back out into the living room, Jace seemed determined to turn the evening around, and started teasing my sister and Axe about their secret relationship.
I’d only just walked in, but I heard Lauren ask Axe, “If I were to get trapped in a fire, would you save me?” Axe stared at her as she continued, “Without your shirt on?”
No answer from Axe, just him staring at her. I didn’t think he knew how to reply to that.
Lauren rolled her eyes. “Try not to feel bad if I don’t survive.”
“He won’t,” Jace added, ribbing her.
“Well, then.” Lauren glared at Axe and then Jace. “What about Ben?”
Ben was one of the paramedics in Medic 16 who was housed at Station 10. He and Jace hung out every once in a while, which was how Lauren knew about him. “He’s married, Lauren.”
“That’s just dumb. He should have an affair with me.”
I laughed lightly. Lauren and her theories.
“I should pass out or something, and then he would come and sweet Jesus” —Lauren fanned herself— “I could watch him work.”
She seemed lost in her dream for a moment.
“That’s dumb,” I reminded her, only to have Axe stand and walk into the kitchen, seeming annoyed.
“You did it.”
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t purposely start that fire, nor did I know he worked for the fire station.”
“Coulda fooled me, sister.” Lauren got up with a huff and followed Axe, only to come right back out with a bottle of wine in one hand. Screw the glasses; apparently we’d resorted to the entire bottle.
I wanted to forget about what my mom had said to me and Lauren, and this was exactly what I needed. My friends. The ones who appreciated me.
“I’m sorry.” Lauren looked at me, slightly serious, mostly drunk. “That was a disaster. Let’s drink.”
Part of me thought we weren’t any better than our mother, turning to this bottle she used for answers, but for tonight, I looked past that.
With Lauren and me passing the bottle back and forth, Shanna walked in, sitting beside me, her arm wrapped around me. “Dinner was great. Thank you,” she said sincerely.
My gaze caught Jace as he leaned against the counter in the kitchen, he and his brother talking, his arms crossed over his chest. For a moment we stared at one another.
As he gave me a wink, a smile tugged at his lips.
“So . . . how was last night?” Shanna and Rusty had a date, and I hadn’t gotten the details from her yet.
“Awful,” Shanna groaned, tossing her head back into the couch and crossing her legs.
“Why?”
“My legs were behind my ears.” Rubbing down her thighs, she looked terrified. “My legs burn today.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Yes. I’m not a porn star, Aubrey. He wants to try all this freaky shit, and it’s weird and I’m super pissed at your stupid sister for suggesting we read that book.”
“What book?”
“That Fifty Shades of Grey book.”
“You’re reading that, too?”
“It’s actually good.”
Lauren lifted the bottle in the air, sloshing it around. “Told you so.”
Watching the scene before me, the roar of the dinner simmering down and everyone relaxing, I realized how different my life would have been had I stayed with my mother and been influenced by her ways.
I would have been just like her. And because of that, I’m thankful for what I have right now, despite the gaping holes in my chest where I feel voids. For right now, I know I have something worth saving, here, with Jace.
There was no pretending. We had some things we needed to work out, but I saw some light today, a glimpse of light in our darkness.
And it took a night with my mother to see it. Ironic, huh?
Mayday . . .
Dispatch to command . . . who’s calling in the mayday?
. . .
Dispatch to command, I repeat, who’s calling in the mayday?
Command to dispatch . . . please stand by. We don’t know. Call in the fire chief. Block the road on Western. We have an unidentified male who entered the building. No word where he’s at now. Residents indicated there’s another male victim trapped on four.
* * *
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Aubrey
THE DAY after Thanksgiving flew by, and I was actually thankful for that. I worked at the shop from three in the morning until midnight. Every part of my body hurt by the time I got home, and I ended up falling asleep on the couch as soon as I walked through the door. It was a good thing Jace had the kids in bed, because I was most certainly not parenting material that night.
Saturday was Jace’s regular schedule, so I took the kids that afternoon to see him.
We parked in front of the candle shop, checked on Lauren, who graciously said she’d work today, and then walked up the street to Starbucks.
After Lauren invited our mother over for Thanksgiving, and because of the disaster that turned into, she wanted to get on my good side again. That meant working at the shop on the weekends so Shanna and I could have some time off.
Lauren was actually incredibly savvy when it came to retail. She could sell crack to a nun.
I stopped by Starbucks and then walked over to the station to see the boys outside doing maintenance on the trucks and checking equipment for the morning. Each day they went through all the trucks and made sure all the equipment had been restocked.
“Hey, Aubrey.” Kasey greeted me first, then knelt down next to a hose, checking it for wear. Looking down at him, I smiled and noticed his black eye. “Great dinner the other night.”
Both kids took off running toward Logan, who was by the side of the truck, rolling up hoses. “Uncle Logan!”
“Thanks.” I smiled toward Logan, who waved, each one of my kids wrapped around him. “What happened to your eye?”
“Tried to break up a fight.” He gave a hard laugh. “They weren’t done.”
“I see.” Looking around, I still couldn’t see Jace anywhere. “With who?”
“Who what?” Kasey was focused on the hose before him but glanced up briefly.
“Who was fighting?”
“Oh, uh, your boy and Sean.” Sean was another firefighter who was constantly battling Jace for some reason. I didn’t know too much about him and had only met him a couple times. He worked on the pipe, so it wasn’t often they had to work hand in hand. It was probably a good thing, because with the way Jace spoke about him, I was sure he’d leave him in a burning building if he had the chance.
“Why?”
“Some shit . . . I don’t know.” Kasey stood, his forearm wiping across his forehead. “Ask him. Is that for me?”
“No . . . it’s for—”
“Aubrey?”
Turning around, I saw Jace coming up the side of the truck with a SCBA in each hand. “What are you doing here?” He stopped on the side of the truck, opened a compartment, and shoved them inside.
I couldn’t help but notice a girl following close behind him. Dressed in the familiar Seattle Fire Department uniform, she was slender, with long black hair and big blue eyes.
Great. Just great.
No woman wants their man working with Megan Fox. Not that she was Megan Fox, but she could have been for all I cared in that moment.
Jace gave me a smile, taking the coffee from my right hand. “This for me, honey?”
“Yeah.” His right arm draped over my shoulder, tucking me into his side. “Thought you’d appreciate
it.”
“I do.” Turning his head, he whispered low in my ear, “Wanna try out ladder 1?”
He was joking. They had regulations against this sort of thing. But it was nice he was joking about it. After our distance lately, this was a good thing, right?
“Mmmm . . . it’s been years since we did it at the station.”
“In that case . . . let me show you my pipe.” He laughed, walking me back out of the way of the other firefighters and the girl, who was now talking to Kasey. In the distance I could hear the laughter of my children as Logan played tug-of-war with them and a fire hose.
Jace laughed. “I think they love Logan more than me.”
“I wouldn’t—”
“Jace . . . ” The girl who’d been following him was now holding a clipboard and looking at us. “I was hoping you could go over this with me so I’d be familiar with all the equipment.”
I didn’t like this girl already. I know, silly of me, but look at her. All big boobs, dark hair, tanned skin. Clearly she wasn’t from the Northwest.
“Oh, yeah.” Jace turned, his arm dropping from around me. “Sorry, honey. I’m working with the new recruit today. I gotta get going.”
“And she is?”
“That’s Ava,” Jace said. “She came over from Firehouse 17. She’s filling in for Leslie while she’s on vacation.” Leslie was a paramedic for their Medic 16, which they housed at this station.
Ava politely raised her hand to mine. “And you must be Aubrey?”
At least she knew my name. That’s good, right?
Ava moved around to the other side of the engine and busied herself for a minute as Jace turned back to me. I caught the redness of his cheek and asked why he’d been fighting with Sean.
“He was giving Ava shit as soon as she walked in this morning. It pissed me off that he couldn’t just keep his mouth shut for one day.”
“So you hit him?”
“No. He hit me. I was defending myself.”
I gave a nod, but it bugged me that he was defending this girl he’d supposedly just met. “Should I be worried about this girl?”
Jace laughed, his tone amused but slightly annoyed. “Are you shitting me? Just because I defended her doesn’t mean I give a shit about her. She can’t even lift a goddamn ladder out of the way. She’ll be gone by the end of the week.”
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