by Ava O'Shay
“Fuck,” Ren said into his side. “I don’t cry.” She pushed against him and tried to get up, but Jolin held tight and pulled her into his chest.
“Stop. You’re okay.”
She fought for a second before conceding and letting herself relax again. She pulled the sleeve of the sweatshirt over her hand and wiped it across her face. Sniffing loudly.
“I don’t cry,” she repeated.
“There’s nothing wrong with crying.” Jolin lowered his face into her hair, breathing in her scent. She smelled fresh. Like a stream but girly at the same time.
“Did it hurt?” she asked. “When you got hurt?”
“Hey, I got the free question prize you didn’t.” He chuckled. He tried to calm his body when he moved his arm to pull her closer. This was not the time for her to feel his attraction for her. Sexual contact didn’t scare Ren. From what he’d learned in the last few days, she didn’t hesitate to take a guy’s dick in her mouth…to let herself be used. It was sincere affection she couldn’t handle. Letting him see her vulnerable and exposed was jarring. Ren… without her costume of clothes and make-up was telling. It let him see into her soul. Where he may have questioned her presence in his thoughts before…he now knew walking away from her was not an option.
“You can’t stay here. Come to my house. I’ll get pizza, set you up on the couch.” Jolin rubbed his hand up and down her arm.
“No.”
“I’m not letting you stay by yourself. What if they get out?” He let out a breath. “Wow, it feels so good to just be able to talk.”
Ren scooted to the edge of the bed. “Looks like your cured. Don’t need me anymore.”
“Grab some stuff and let’s go,” He directed her. Then moved to sit behind her, placing a leg on each side, he encircled her in his arms, speaking into her neck. “You’ll always be my cure.”
She froze in his arms.
“Come on. I’m starving.” Jolin let her go and hopped of the bed, clapping his hands. Ren jumped. He softened his voice and kneeled in front of her. “Please come home with me.”
Ren closed her eyes and blew out an unsteady breath. “Just for tonight.”
Ren walked out, leaving him alone in her room. Jolin straightened and looked around. Her room was neat, but the furniture was sparse. He wandered around touching small items that held some importance to her. A few small tattered photographs sat against the window sill. He lifted one to see Quill and Ren standing awkwardly in front of a house. He put it down and picked up another that held an older woman…her grandma maybe. Then he picked up a faded blue rectangle of paper. It was an invitation. He pulled it closer and looked at the date. It was his birthday. He turned it over and saw his name written in a scrawled crayon stroke across the back.
“Holy shit,” he said under his breath. He’d invited her to his tenth birthday party, and she saved the invitation. He stared at the paper—she hadn’t come to his party. It was the day the police came and took her away.
Ren startled Jolin when she returned with clothes draped over her arm. Her demeanor seemed unsure after the happenings of the afternoon.
“Was this from my party?” He held up the invitation, knowing it was from his party.
Her face went paler than it already was. “No, of course not.” She dropped her clothes onto the bed then stepped toward him, ripping the paper out of his hand and crumpling it into ball. “Stop going through my stuff. What are you, the cops?”
Jolin grabbed her wrist. She pulled at it but he kept his hold firm. “It had my name on it.”
“Then why’d you ask.” She let out a sad laugh. “You only invited me because the teacher told you everyone had to be invited.”
“No…,” his words stopped when she glared at him. “I don’t remember.”
“It doesn’t matter.” She pulled at her arm.
“Obviously it does since you have three things on your window sill. A picture of your grandma, a picture of you and Quill, and a party invitation.” His heart tugged at the memory of the little girl in the ripped dress being escorted out of his classroom. He hadn’t understood the severity of what may have happened. He was only ten and all he’d wanted was a new video game.
Ren dropped her gaze to the floor. “It’s the only invitation I ever got. I know you didn’t really want me there but …I pretended you did.” Her voice was so vulnerable he dropped her wrist, guilt cursed through him at restraining her.
“You didn’t come.”
Her expression changed to one of irritation. “Seriously? You think I had a choice?”
“No. I was just stating a fact.” Jolin held up his hands in defense.
“The police came and took me away. The neighbors called in and reported a disturbance. Quill and I were put into foster care. My mom gave up her rights to us a few years later. Sat at a table across from us and signed us off to the state. Who does that?”
Ren picked up her clothes and frantically folded them. “I couldn’t go to your fucking party because I thought I was saved. I thought my life would get better, but all they did was put me in a different hell.” She threw her clothes on the bed and jammed her hands on her hips. “That’s why your mom knows me. She told you, didn’t she? That she was at the hospital that day. She sat next to me while they examined me for penetration. Stucka specula up me when I was ten!” Ren picked up the ball of paper that used to be his birthday invitation and straightened it. “They did semen swabs on my face…my mouth…everywhere. Found out my mom sold me to her boyfriends for blow jobs and…just forget it.” She waved Jolin off.
Ren carefully placed the small invitation back on the window sill. “So I’m sorry if me keeping this bothers you, but it was the last thing I ever looked forward to. I wasn’t going to miss it for the world. I wore my best dress. The asshole ripped it and locked me in the bathroom. I crawled out the window and under the fence to get to school. I wasn’t going to miss the party. I didn’t even have a present for you.” She turned around. “I can’t go to your house, Jolin. Cut me loose. You don’t want any part of what I am. Best thing you did was forget about me and that invitation. I’m trash. Used and abused. Don’t make me something I’m not.”
Jolin stood in the middle of the room and waited for her rant to be over. “Are you done?”
“Look. You rode your white horse in and saved me from walking home from the police station. You did your good deed. You’re done. Nothing more is necessary. I already told you, I can’t pay my debts as it is.” Her fingers picked at her cuticles while she thought of every reason Jolin should bail on her.
“My good deed quota isn’t where it needs to be. C’mon. Let’s go.” He took her by the arm, grabbed her bag and stuffed the rest of her clothes in it, then led her out to his car. It had started to drizzle again while they were inside. He walked around the side of the car and opened the door for her.
Ren settled in her seat in her usual manner.Setting all her possessions on her lap, she began picking at her fingers again.
Jolin reached across and set his hands on hers. “Relax, Ren. The shit is over. I won’t let it go on.”
She frowned and buried her hands under her bags.
Serenity
Monday, October 27
10:00 p.m.
“Your mom’s home?” Ren asked when she saw the car in the driveway.
“Looks like it.” Jolin pulled his car in behind a small Honda.
“She was at the hospital. When the police took me today.” Her voice lost its strength when Jolin looked at her.
“I know. Remember. That’s why I came.” He touched her shoulder.
Her instincts told her to recoil, but her body yearned to move into his arms. She held her position. She knew his help wouldn’t come free. No one did anything without some payback expected.
“I’m sure she’s waiting,” Jolin muttered.
Jolin moved to get out of the car, but she grabbed his arm. “If I haven’t said it yet—thank you.”
He sm
iled and nodded. She grabbed her stuff and followed him into the house. His mom was standing at the entrance to the kitchen when they walked in.
“Ren.” Mrs. Daniel moved toward her with her arms outstretched. It was all she could do not to run back to the car. She stood her ground and let his mom wrap her arms around her in a tight embrace. “I’m glad you’re here,” she whispered in Ren’s ear. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you need.”
“So Mom, you got off early.” Jolin walked up behind his mom and pried her arms from Ren. Ren gave him an appreciative smile.
His mom took a moment to look from Ren to Jolin. “I made hot water. Jolin why don’t you get Ren settled in the extra room and I’ll bring some hot chocolate.” Jolin’s mom hurried off and left them standing in the entryway.
“Hot chocolate?” Ren smirked.
“It warms the soul. Come on.” Jolin grabbed Ren’s bag off her shoulder and headed down the hall. “We don’t use this room much—or ever.”
She followed him into a small room at the back of the house. It was decorated in yellow. Much like Jolin’s room, it was monochromatic down to the sheets and pillow cases. The color helped to raise her spirits. Ren sat on the edge of the bed while Jolin set her bag on the dresser.
“I guess we could use this time to work on our report.” Ren stretched then grabbed her ribs as pain shot through her side.
“Yeah. I don’t think we need to work on that tonight.” Jolin ran a hand over his head nervously. “Are you okay? Did they check you out at the hospital?”
The click of cups drew their attention to the door. Jolin’s mom stood with her eyes wide, her mouth open, and a tray of hot chocolate in her hands.
“Mom?” Jolin moved to take the tray. “Are you all right?”
Tears rimmed her eyes. “You aren’t stuttering.”
Jolin took the tray from her before she dropped it and set it on a small side table then hugged his mom. “Nope. Ren did it.” He smiled over his shoulder at her.
“I didn’t do anything…” Her words were cut off by another of Jolin’s mom’s hugs.
“Thank you, Ren.” She took Ren’s face in her hands and kissed her cheeks. “Thank you so much.”
“Okay, Mom, you’re killing her here.” Jolin lightly grabbed his mom’s arms and removed her from Ren.
“I’m sorry. We’ve been so concerned. Thank you, Ren.” Jolin turned her and pushed her out the door.
“Sorry about that.” Jolin sat beside her on the bed.
“She loves you. Nothing to be sorry about.” She rubbed her arms trying to get the chills to subside.
“Do you want to talk about today?” Jolin rubbed his hands up and down his thighs.
“Not really.” She slid her boots off and tucked her legs under.
There was a light knock on the door and Jolin’s mom appeared again, carrying a pile of soft blue pajamas in her arms. “I thought you might like to clean up a bit. Shower is down the hall. Help yourself to whatever you need.” She handed the pajamas to Jolin and retreated out the door.
“Your mom’s really nice.”
Jolin shrugged and handed Ren the clothes. “Why don’t you take a shower, and I’ll get us something to eat.” Jolin got up and left her alone in the room.
Every cell in her body told her she should grab her things and go home, but she felt so warm and safe in Jolin’s house she couldn’t make herself go. By the time she returned from the shower, Jolin was sitting in a chair in the corner and had placed a pizza on the small table.
Ren had put on the warm pajamas and ran the towel over her wet hair. She tossed her old clothes on the floor next to the bag. “I’m only staying tonight.”
Jolin shrugged.
“Seriously.”
“Whatever. We can take it day by day. I doubt my mom will be in agreement.”
“She seems to always see me at my worst.” Ren settled in a chair next to Jolin and grabbed a piece of pizza. Trying not to completely devour it.
Jolin raised an eyebrow. “You don’t get to eat much, do you?”
Ren chewed and chose not to answer.
“Why did you agree to do it? Why did you want to set me up?” Jolin finally asked the question Ren dreaded. “Why’d you want to take me down?”
She put the pizza down. “It really had nothing to do with you. Don’t take it so personal.”
“Don’t take it personal. You came in here, got me stoned and then…then.” Jolin’s arms were waving around.
Ren couldn’t help but smile at how crazy he looked.
“And stop looking at me like that,” he snapped.
Ren diverted her gaze and picked at her pizza.
“Why?” he asked again.
“Money,” she whispered.
“Were you that bad off?” Jolin reached out to touch her, but she recoiled and got up to sit on the bed.
“There is no way for you to understand my life or why I do what I do unless you are in my shoes. Even Quill doesn’t get it. I am a survivor and I do what I have to, to survive. Brock offered me a life vest and I took it. Is he a total prick for doing it? Yes. But he was there when no one else was. He gave me a break on the rent, and he gave me money for food. Don’t judge me when you don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on.”
“I’m not judging you.”
“Like hell you aren’t. You were hard before I ever took your pants down. You wanted me before I ever kissed you.”
“You were coming on to me like a horndog. I can’t help if my dick responds when you grab me.”
Ren flopped back on the bed and covered her face with her hands. “I didn’t do it with any motivation other than Brock was paying me. I’m sorry if it broke up your happily ever after with the wicked witch of the pom poms.”
“Are you sleeping with Brock?”
“Are you sleeping with the cheer whore?”
“You know I am. I mean was.”
“I didn’t know. Brock told me she was a priss and if I dirtied you she would leave you in the dust so not to filth her holier than thou rep.”
Jolin leaned his head back, covering his face with his hands. “Well I have. We have. Still would if she had her way.”
“You fucked her the night of the party?”
His head shot up. “Did you fuck Ty?”
“Fuck you, Jolin. Take your pizza and get out,” she mumbled through her hands.
“It’s my house. I don’t have to get out. Did you fuck Ty for money? Are you fucking Brock? Is that what you do to get groceries and rent money?”
Ren sat up on her elbows and glared at him.
“You told me you owed me. These are the questions I want answers to.” Jolin crossed his arms and sat back on the chair.
“But they aren’t the questions you should be asking.” Her voice was strained. She knew if he knew her why’s, if he really knew what she had done, he’d be disgusted. But maybe that is what he needed. He needed to know she wasn’t good enough, she wasn’t what he needed in his life. Elizabeth was a bitch, but she wasn’t a fucked up mess.
“What should I ask?” Jolin’s voice was quiet as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Help me understand why someone as incredible as you would sell themselves short.”
Ren sat up and pushed the sleeves of her pajamas up her arms, laying them out for him to see. “You should be asking why my arms have so many fucking scars on them. You should be asking if the penetration exam and the semen test came back positive. You should be asking what happened to make me this way. You’d be asking how far I would go to save someone I love. If you asked all those questions you wouldn’t ask me if I had sex with Ty or Brock. You wouldn’t ask me if my life is so bad I had no other choice.”
“Okay,” Jolin said carefully. “Pretend I asked all that. What are the answers?”
Ren shook her head. “That’s just it. You didn’t ask. You don’t want to know the why behind me. You just want answers to the surface stuff. Just like everyone else in th
e school, you are quick to judge me by what you see or hear. No one ever asks.”
“Don’t you do the same? To me. You only see me as the football jock who is trying to keep the only thing he knows, his stupid ass popularity.”
Ren shook her head again and moved to kneel in front of Jolin. “No. That’s how you see you. I don’t see you like that at all,” she whispered.
Jolin tried to talk but his voice seemed to betray him. He cleared his throat. “How do you see me?”
Ren closed her eyes. “You saw me before anyone else did. You invited me to your birthday. I’d never been included before. I don’t care if the teacher made you do it or your mom. At the time I didn’t know that’s how it worked. All I knew is you made an invitation for me.”
Jolin tried to interrupt, but Ren held up a hand.
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is I thought I was invisible. No one. Not the kids, teachers, my neighbors, ever saw me. If they had wouldn’t they have stopped what was going on?” Ren placed her hands on Jolin’s knees. “Wouldn’t they have seen how I was being ripped apart inside? But no one did.” She lowered her head. “Until the day you gave me an invitation to a stupid party. Everything changed that day. I thought it was magic. I thought you gave me magic.”
Her shoulders moved up and down as she breathed. She wished he’d reach out and wrap her in his arms, but she knew she’d chicken out and not be able to tell him what he needed to know.
“It started when I was eight. That was the year I disappeared to the world and became larger than life for my mother’s boyfriends. I had to. To save Quill. They wanted him. But I made sure I was better. I was the best so Quill could be safe.” Ren dropped her hands and rubbed her eyes. “I don’t fucking cry,” she moaned.
Jolin reached out and cupped her cheek. “I see you.”
She let out a laugh. “I know.” She sniffed and moved in between his legs, resting her head on his thigh. Jolin ran his fingers through the tangles of her hair.
“You gave me the invitation and it was like everyone saw me again. But your magic was too powerful. They saw what I had done. Everything. And they never asked why. They just judged me and labeled me. Ask me why, Jolin.”
