‘Oh, sure, okay, erm, yes fine. Excuse me, will you? I’ve got to run to a meeting.’
She must have been very late, and even more distracted than usual, because she didn’t even have time to grab her BlackBerry off the desk.
Three meeting requests popped up when I turned on my computer. Clive wanted to see me. I seethed to think about how I’d helped Alex out of that vision board fix. Though I suppose that if the board bod wanted to meet me, I was at least getting some credit.
I’d already missed two of the proposed meetings. What a stellar show of company commitment, sure to impress him. He kept cancelling them and rescheduling at fifteen-minute intervals. I prepared my apology for making him wait.
When I walked past Alex’s office on the way to the big conference room I gave him a shoulder cold enough to chill his beer on, and when I was sure he couldn’t see me, the stink eye for good measure.
To my surprise, Clive wasn’t alone in the conference room. ‘Hi, Katie, thanks for coming. This is—’
‘Stacy, yes I know. Hi Stacy.’ Racy Stacy always managed to slink around the men in power so I shouldn’t have been surprised to see her involved in the vision boards too. I’d bet her board was pasted with the Kama Sutra and ‘after’ photos of Katie Price.
‘Hi, Katie, thanks for coming. Clive asked me to be here today because we’re making some changes. He’ll explain everything.’
I knew something was wrong by the way Clive cleared his throat.
‘As you know, Katie, the company has been in some difficulty, and we’ve looked at ways to raise our revenue. Initiatives like the Try Before You Buy trials were very well-received. But we also had to look at our costs.’ He kept looking at his notebook as he spoke and I realised he was reading a speech. ‘After careful consideration we’ve decided that we’d be more effective as a smaller organisation. We’re making several changes to the back office operations as well as some cost savings by combining office space where we have spare capacity.’
I really hoped this was about moving desks.
‘But we’ve also had to look at some changes to the client-facing side and, unfortunately, that means a reduction in the workforce. We’ve asked for voluntary redundancies to minimise the disruption for people, and a number of staff have taken advantage of that. But it isn’t enough.’ He checked his notes. ‘I’m afraid.’
Every last word was scripted, just like our sales pitches. Insert disbelieving laugh here.
Stacy slid a slender letter-headed envelope toward me. Those were the fancy envelopes that only got used in special circumstances. Despite the gravity of the situation I felt a stab of pride that my redundancy was deemed worthy of good stationery.
‘This is your notice letter, explaining your termination date and redundancy package. Because of your years with us, you’re eligible for several weeks!’ She made this sound like I’d won the lottery. My hands shook as I opened the letter. Effective today, I was no longer employed by Nutritious, PLC. In appreciation for my years of service I was eligible for six weeks’ pay.
‘Only six weeks?’ My bank was not going to be impressed with that.
‘Plus the month of your notice period,’ Stacy said. ‘We don’t expect you to work those four weeks so it’s really like nearly three months’ free money.’
‘Why me?’ I whispered to Clive.
He had the good grace to look uncomfortable as Stacy answered for him. ‘We had to assess each employee and unfortunately there were others with better performances.’
‘It’s because I was Needs Improvement in my last appraisal?’
‘We assessed a number of factors. Your time with the company counted in your favour, for example.’ She smiled sweetly through her lilo lips.
That was like being told you were the least ugly minger in the room.
‘So what happens now, after this meeting?’
Stacy seemed relieved that I wasn’t putting up a fight. I wondered if any of my colleagues would have to be carried out by security today.
‘To minimise disruption on the floor, we suggest you go home after the meeting. We can arrange for your personal belongings to be brought round to you.’
I thought about that for a minute. Six years with a company and I wouldn’t even get the chance to say good-bye to my colleagues. No leaving drinks, or good luck cake or forwarding email addresses. Just my belongings turning up in a box at my front door.
‘Okay. You’ve already decided, so there’s nothing I can do about that. There’s just one person I need to talk to before I go.’ I stood on shaking legs before I lost my nerve, and left the room. I was sure the floods would come later. Just then, shock and anger were running my machinery.
Alex was at his desk. I knocked on the side of the door before stomping in.
‘You’ve just had the meeting?’ he said.
So he wasn’t going to feign ignorance. He looked haggard, I noticed. Despite knowing he was a complete dog turd, a little part of me – Hopeful Katie – wondered if it was because he was concerned about me.
‘I’m leaving in a minute, but I wanted to ask you something first.’ I paused, just in case he had any plans to try to make me feel better. He snapped his pen open and closed. Click-click, click-click, click-click. ‘Did you know about the redundancies before we went out last time?’
His look could have given a polar bear frostbite. ‘I’m the finance director. I signed the papers.’
My face burned and my voice rose. ‘Before we went out, or after?’
‘Katie, do you take me for a fool? You threw yourself at me. Of course I got in there one more time.’ He shrugged. ‘Come on, don’t take it so hard. We both know you wanted it. Think of it as fulfilling your last wish. It’s no big deal.’ He glanced over my shoulder at the door, where Stacy stood.
‘All right, I’m leaving,’ I said to her. Then to him: ‘You’re a callous toadstool of a man.’
‘Whatever makes you feel better. Drinks later, Stacy?’ He winked at me. ‘See you round, Katie. Sorry about the job.’
In a daze I stumbled to Ellie’s desk. ‘I’ve just been fired. I’m going home.’
‘You’ve what?! I’m coming too.’ She grabbed her bag, hooked her arm in mine and led me out of my office for the last time.
In the space of one Tube ride, the impact of what had happened hit home. People who’ve never been made redundant might envisage what it’s like. They can imagine the sudden realisation that the income they rely on will stop, and the panic that sets in about trying to find another job. They’ve felt the universal reluctance that comes with having to update CVs and scrutinise job sites. All the what-ifs and worst-case scenarios play in their minds. But they can’t know the overwhelming embarrassment of losing one’s job. I felt physically ill every time I thought of my colleagues knowing I’d been made redundant. In fact, I only had to picture someone in the office and the humiliation welled up. They’d think I wasn’t as good as they were. Would they remember some slip in performance and say, ‘Well, I’m not really surprised’? I was the one chosen to go, not them. Eeenie, meenie, miney moe, catch a slacker by the toe.
‘Do you want to get a drink?’ Ellie asked as we let ourselves into the flat. ‘It’s nearly eleven.’
‘What the hell, let’s go to the pub. Do you mind?’
She dropped her laptop bag in the hall. ‘Let’s go.’
We were, understandably, nearly alone at our local. I ordered a bottle of wine but Ellie wouldn’t let me pay for it. Already we were making allowances.
‘Tell me everything,’ she said as she poured generous glasses.
First I had to fill her in on recent bedroom events with he-of-the-incredible-shrinking-morality.
‘Remember last week when I came home from seeing Alex? Well, I didn’t come home early because nothing happened … we slept together again. I didn’t tell you because I felt so stupid. I’m just sorry your bra had to be involved.’ Now even my humiliation was humiliated.
�
��It’s all right. It’s probably not permanently traumatised … I wish you’d told me last week instead of keeping it all inside.’
‘I just wanted to forget about it. And I didn’t think it mattered, beyond my shattered self-esteem. But then this, today.’
‘Do you think they’re related?’
‘They’re definitely related. I got it straight from the jackass’s mouth. Alex signed off on my redundancy … before we slept together. He knew they were going to make me redundant and wanted to get his end away one more time before the easy sex dried up. And I was stupid enough to let him.’
‘You weren’t stupid, Katie. You liked him. You did what any of us would. You trusted him.’
More fool me. Now I was screwed, in every sense of the word.
‘What’ll I do? I’ll lose the flat if I don’t find another job soon. I haven’t got the savings to cover the mortgage for more than a month or two. I’ll have to go live in my parents’ spare room.’ At the very idea the floods finally came. The bartender glanced at us. A lifetime of drunks had probably taught him not to get involved unless his personal property was involved.
‘Have you thought about making a case for constructive dismissal? This sounds like it should be illegal. If Alex made you redundant because of the sex—’
That made me feel terrific. ‘My sexual techniques are a fireable offence? Bit harsh, don’t you think?’
She laughed. ‘Maybe you didn’t suck as much as you think you did. Ba dum bum. I mean that if he used you and then got rid of you, which he was able to do because of his position, then that might be illegal. Maybe you should talk to a solicitor about it. If there’s a case, you could get your job back … Don’t wrinkle your nose. You’ve got to be practical. You do like your job, and you’re good at it. I bet lots of the employees have had at least one bad review. I think you’ve got a right to find out.’
My head told me she was right but my gut rebelled at the very idea. I’d probably feel differently if I were a man. They didn’t usually get pinned with the Whinger label. I didn’t want to be one of those women who sue their employers.
Then again, I didn’t want to be one of those women who had no job, either.
‘I’ll think about it,’ I said as Ellie went to the loo.
She called Thomas in the afternoon to find out if anyone else faced the axe. I felt slightly less conspicuous knowing four more heads had rolled – three boys and a girl and all senior staff like me. Thomas said everyone was jumpy by lunchtime as news filtered through the office, and that the bosses had called a meeting when it was over to congratulate the Chosen Ones who’d kept their jobs. That left everyone counting fingers and toes, and the minutes till they could get to the pub for a good old gossip.
‘I really don’t want to talk to a solicitor,’ I told Ellie as we staggered back to the flat around dinnertime. ‘The way I see it,’ albeit blurrily at that point, ‘I’ve got the club and we’re expanding. Once the show airs we’ll need the extra staff to run the thing. I’ll call Jane and Pixie tonight and call an extraordinary meeting to ask for more hours. I only need three days a week, like I had with Nutritious, to cover my mortgage and expenses. Money’ll be tight but it’ll work for now.’
I was very pleased that so much alcohol had produced this elegant solution. Door closing, window opening and all that, I thought blearily. Everything would be fine.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
I woke the next morning with mood swings that made Naomi Campbell look like she just suffered a bit from PMT. One minute I convinced myself that redundancy was an opportunity. The Curvy Girls Club was my future, not nutritional supplements. Now I might have the chance to pursue that. Hurrah, elation! The next minute I saw looming mortgage payments carving great chunks out of my dwindling bank balance. Boo, paralysing fear and dejection.
Ellie reported back on events at the office. Jim, another of the Redundant Five, hadn’t gone as quietly as hoped. He took the opportunity before they shut off his email to tell the company about every Christmas party snog, printer room grope and illicit affair he’d heard about in his six years with the company. Ellie forwarded me the email. It read like the Who’s Who of shagging.
She also had it from Thomas that Smith took over all of my accounts with immediate effect. My days had been numbered from the time he started and Alex’s buddy system had just been another cynical move. I’d trained my own replacement.
Naturally I spent most of the week wishing grievous bodily harm on Alex and co but since I was a decent multi-tasker that still left a lot of time in the day to fill. No wonder bored housewives had affairs with their gardeners. It beat watching daytime telly.
By the time the club meeting came around on Thursday I’d cleaned under the sofa, the beds and inside the fridge, checked every tin, package and condiment for their expiration dates and ironed all my tee shirts (and Ellie’s). I was contemplating alphabetising the spices. Much as I dreaded seeing Pixie again, I had to get out of the flat.
She and Rob were just finishing up when I got to the offices. A jealous jolt went through me as I watched them working companionably with their heads together.
‘We’re just agreeing on venues for the next speed-dating nights,’ Pixie said. ‘And looking at possibilities for a website. How are you, love? Did you have a relaxing day?’
We were technically on speaking terms again. She’d rung the day after our argument to apologise for making me feel bad, so I was trying to put my feelings aside for the good of the club, as she’d claimed to be doing. But if she thought she could bully me again she’d better think twice.
‘I made snacks for tonight.’ I showed her the turkey sausage rolls and cookies.
‘Those look delicious. Give one here.’
‘That’s right, today’s a day off for you, isn’t it?’ Rob said as he continued slamming away at the keyboard in fits and starts. He approached typing like a starving man assaulted a sandwich.
‘Yes. Today and every day from now on.’ I took a deep breath as the shame of saying it out loud hit me again. ‘I was made redundant from Nutritious on Monday.’
Rob did a double-take. His clattering fingers stopped. ‘Katie! I’m really sorry to hear that. Was it expected?’
‘Not at all. The company made cuts. Five of us got the chop. They called me into a conference room and handed me a termination letter. I think I’m still in shock.’
‘I don’t blame you,’ he said. ‘That’s really troubling.’
Pixie didn’t think anything of his comment but I knew he was talking about Alex.
‘I know. I’m … weighing my options.’
‘All right,’ Pixie said. ‘We’re done here. Rob, take a sausage roll and get out. We’ve got club business to take care of tonight.’
‘The convening of the Coven,’ he said, grabbing a couple of rolls. Then he tipped a handful of cookies into his courier bag. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Katie.’
Ellie passed Rob on the way out, kissing him happily. She looked more excited than when we discovered that angel food cake had no fat.
‘You’ll never guess what happened today!’ She wriggled, making shaky maraca hands.
‘Alex’s penis fell off in the kitchen and was trod on by Cressida?’
‘Almost as good.’ She beamed. ‘Clive is having a thing with Racy Stacy.’
I didn’t want to steal Ellie’s thunder but, ‘We knew that from Jim’s email,’ I reminded her.
‘That’s true. But apparently his wife didn’t … at least not until Jim sent the email to her.’ She was so excited I worried she’d leave a puddle on the floor. ‘Apparently she’s some bigwig in the City,’ she continued. ‘He found her email online and broke the bad news. Then, would you believe it? She came to the office looking for Clive. And Stacy. She stormed straight into the middle of the management meeting waving the email printout and asking Clive if it was true. Jim named dates and places and everything. When Clive denied it she punched him in the nose! I felt kind of bad
for the little guy.’
Only Ellie would feel bad for a philanderer who got caught.
‘Did she find Stacy?’
‘No, someone tipped her off and she got away. And then when it was all over, Clive said, calm as you like, “I assume the last few minutes are not on the record.” As if I’d need to write something like that down. I’ll never forget it!’
It was a story to cheer my heart. I’d love to see Racy Stacy exposed for the Page Three model employee that she was. And so much the better if her lovers were outed in a Nutritious sting operation.
‘How was your day?’ Ellie asked me.
I gestured to the rolls and cookies.
‘Very productive, I see. Did you update your CV or look on that website I wrote down?’
I mumbled something lame. I didn’t have much time before my redundancy money ran out.
Ellie sighed. ‘You have to do it this weekend. Tell her, Jane,’ she said as Jane came in and threw herself into one of the chairs. ‘Katie needs to get her CV out there. It takes time to find another job … Jane, is everything okay? Are you feeling ill?’ She’d only been out of hospital for a week.
She shook her head. ‘I feel fine, thanks. Rea from Channel 4 phoned just now.’
Ellie and Pixie made excited noises while I tried not to show my panic. Jane took out her knitting. She tore through yarn like highly strung actors popped Xanax. ‘There’s no easy way to say this, and I’m so sorry, Katie, but they don’t feel you’re right for the show.’
There it was, on the table for everyone to see.
‘What do you mean?’ Ellie asked. ‘What’s happened?’
‘Katie’s shrunk, that’s what’s happened,’ Pixie said. ‘That’s it, isn’t it? Your size is costing us our publicity.’
So much for our uneasy truce.
The Curvy Girls Club Page 25
